starring TONY HAWKS, SUE PERKINS, TIM RICE and ROSS NOBLE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 August 2001)

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world and also to welcome to the show this week four delightful and charming and talented players of the game who have come together to give you of their best, show off their verbal dexterity, their intellectual ingenuity as they try and speak on a subject that I give them in Just A Minute without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. In no order of sequence but as they are surrounding me on the stage it is Ross Noble, Tim Rice, Sue Perkins and Tony Hawks. Please welcome all four of them! And beside me sits Janet Staplehurst who's going to help me keep the score and blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this edition of Just A Minute is coming from the famous City of Varieties in the heart of that great city of Leeds in the heart of that great county of Yorkshire. And we have a real white rose audience here from all parts of Yorkshire and some from outside the county who have come to cheer us on our way. As we begin the show this week with Tim Rice. Tim, how to recognise a real Yorkshireman. That is the subject, go for it if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

TIM RICE: Not many people know that Robert Mugabe is a real Yorkshireman because spelt backwards Mugabe says "eee bah gum!" But I digress, from what, I hear you cry. Yorkshiremen...


NP: Sue Perkins challenged.

SUE PERKINS: Repeat of Mugabe.

NP: Yes but he also said "I digress" which is deviation isn't it? And you've got the first point and you have 51 seconds to take over the subject which is how to recognise a real Yorkshireman starting now.

SP: I won't indulge in clichés, a flat cap and the whippet. But I will say that putting the simple letter t' before every word...


NP: Ross you've challenged.

ROSS NOBLE: I thought that was hesitation.

NP: It was hesitation yes. So Ross Noble you have a correct challenge, so you get a point for that and you take over the subject. You have 45 seconds available, how to recognise a real Yorkshireman starting now.

RN: The Yorkshire Tourist Board in fact placed many cardboard cut-outs of Yorkshiremen around the area to please the Americans because when they arrive in town, they want to see a real down to earth, salt of the... whatever it is...


NP: Tim Rice you challenged.

TR: Hesitation I'm afraid.

NP: Yes it was, well he stumbled. We interpret that as hesitation. Tim, a correct challenge, a point to you for that, 33 seconds available, how to recognise a real Yorkshireman starting now.

TR: It's very easy to recognise a real Yorkshireman. He's just come out the mine, he's about to bowl 14 overs of blistering pace and furthermore...


NP: Sue Perkins challenged.

SP: Margaret Thatcher shut down all the mines in er...


NP: I think that was real sympathy applause. But actually he wasn't deviating, strictly speaking from the subject, because I mean, the cricketer he was talking about, one in particular, a Yorkshireman we know, did come from the mines and did play for Yorkshire and for England which was Freddie Trueman. So technically you are correct Tim so...

TR: Technically? I'm correct which ever way you look at it!

NP: All right, but I was just being generous to Sue, why not? Um, Tim, incorrect challenge, so you get a point for that, you keep the subject, 27 seconds, how to recognise a real Yorkshireman starting now.

TR: You can recognise a real Yorkshireman by the fact that he refers to this magnificent county as ridings, not bits of north and south.


TR: And I knew that that would get a big round of applause. Actually I hoped it would get a rather larger...


NP: Tony challenged.

TONY HAWKS: Well actually I, sort of, he was going to go round of applause, but he did repeat get. Get a round of applause, hope it would get a larger round of applause.

NP: He did.


TH: Yes I was er...

NP: You haven't got many friends in this audience!

TH: It's all right, I hadn't said anything in this show and I thought I'd like to get in.

NP: Yes, there we are, no, it's a tough challenge...

SP: It's as simple as mentioning ridings!

NP: But a correct one, so Tony you get a point and the subject and 13 seconds, how to recognise a real Yorkshireman starting now.

TH: My father is actually from Yorkshire, and my mother's from Essex...


NP: Tim challenged.

TR: Repetition of my.

TH: Correct!

NP: Hoisted on your own vocal petard!

TH: Yes!

NP: Yes.

TH: That is fair...

NP: It was the same kind of challenge but let's not be too picky as we go along though please. Ten seconds available, another point to you Tim, how to recognise a real Yorkshireman starting now.

TR: A real Yorkshireman is everywhere you look in this beautiful city of Leeds...


NP: Sue Perkins has challenged.

SP: I think he said beautiful city before when we begun this about four and a half hours ago!

NP: I don't think it was as long as that, but he did refer to it, yes, repetition. So six seconds for you Sue to tell us something about how to recognise a real Yorkshireman starting now.

SP: I look out in the audience and I see, amongst the gathering here at the City Varieties a beautiful crop of real...


NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point, on this occasion it was Sue Perkins who with other points in that round has now gone into a strong lead ahead of the others. In fact she's one point ahead of Tim Rice, and two ahead of Tony Hawks and Ross Noble. Ross your turn to begin, the subject, pips. Just pips, that's all. Tell us something about pips in this game starting now.

RN: Pips is the sound that you hear when the money runs out on a public telephone. before electricity was invented, people would have to hold an orange above their head and squeeze it, so that the tiny seedlike things inside would fall down making a ting noise on the top of the phone. Of course the trouble with that was, because there wasn't any electricity you couldn't hear the other person on the end of the phone...


NP: Tim has challenged. The audience were laughing so much, Tim was sitting beside you, and he was the only one, probably, who heard what you said. What's your challenge Tim?

TR: I think he repeated phone. I feel very bad about this! I know, I know it's unpopular but it was true.

RN: Did I not say public telephone and then phone?

TR: You said phone two or three times...


NP: Ross is playing to the audience, that's why they're clapping.

TH: I think he did say phone again though.

RN: Okay.

NP: He did say phone a second time. So Tim a correct challenge, 38 seconds on pips starting now.

TR: Pips I always associated with Gladys Knight. I often wondered what one of her backing singers would say when asked "what do you do for a living?" he would have to say "I'm a Pip". This would seem strange at first glance or first... ah!


NP: Tony Hawks challenged, yes?

TH: Um er hesitation and um...

NP: Well he hesitated after he repeated the word first.

TH: Well hesitation, whatever you like. I've lost the will to live!

NP: Twenty-four seconds, pips with you Tony starting now.

TH: Like Tim I used to love watching Gladys Knight and her Pips. Leaving on their midnight train to Georgia. And indeed what a magnificent job it was because all they had to do was repeat things that she sung. There wasn't any words to learn because they just copied whatever the diva herself had come out with. I am amazed at the ability that they had just to do it, just to say... oh!


NP: Oh the frustration of the game is overwhelming and Tim you challenged first.

TR: Well he sort of stumbled and...

NP: He stumbled, we interpret that as hesitation.

TR: He was getting higher and higher and then he hesitated.

NP: He should have gone a little bit higher because you got in with one second to go.


NP: Yeah but it's true. One second is still available Tim, pips starting now.

TR: Melons are...


NP: So Tim Rice was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and he has now taken the lead at the end of that round. Sue Perkins would you take the next round, the subject is what I can do in Just A Minute. The audience are laughing already, they've got rather...

SP: What upsets me is it's the laughter of true knowledge which...

NP: No, I think it's imagination, they're just wondering what you're going to say. But go on the subject if you can, 60 seconds starting now.

SP: In Just A Minute I can tell you about the shortest ever recorded battle which took place between a group of Sherman tanks and one man called Harry. As he stood there, he thought to himself "how on earth will I win this one? Should I form a pincer movement?” Then I thought "there's only one of me, and unless it is possible to split myself..."


NP: Ross challenged.

RN: Was it one man called Harry?

NP: Yeah, one man called Harry, yes.

RN: Yes!

NP: A repetition.

RN: I was on a win there!

NP: Yes! You have a point, you have a correct challenge and a point for that. And you have 43 seconds available to tell us something about what I can do in Just A Minute starting now.

RN: What I can do in Just A Minute is re-enact the best scenes from the Nicolas Cage film Gone In Sixty Seconds. This tend to be the bits where the aforementioned actor takes a big bit of metal and breaks into one of the cars that he's trying to get for the villains who have paid him some money because his younger brother is involved in a scam, which quite frankly, you know, he's a bit er...


NP: Tim Rice you challenged.

TR: Well there was a bit of bits and hesitation I think.

NP: So Tim, correct challenge, 23 seconds, what I can do in Just A Minute starting now.

TR: I could run about four of five feet in a minute. I could swim one yard. I could...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: There were three I coulds.

TR: Yes sorry.

NP: He let two go but did the challenge on the third. Tony tell us something about what I can do in Just A Minute, there are 16 seconds available starting now.

TH: If I did it now, I could get arrested! So I won't, instead I'll talk about what I might do in a minute, if I had that much time left, but I've probably only got 20 seconds or something like that. But I can tell you this, if I had a full minute available...


NP: Right, thank you! At the end of that round Tony Hawks speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point and others in the round. He's now in second place behind Tim Rice, just ahead of Sue Perkins and Ross Noble in that order. But Ross it is your turn to begin. I'm sure this has been chosen especially for you, the art of yodelling. Tell us something about the art of yodelling Ross, in 60 seconds starting now.

RN: Yodelling is what dyslexic people write down when they're trying to describe Kate Moss's profession! The other important aspect of yodelling is what is often used to describe the child of the Grand Jedi Master. It is often taken part in the valleys where the goat herd stands there shrieking out across the void. I feel a bit sorry for the young people in inner city areas who have to use lift shafts in big flats in order to create the same sort of effect. It's about time that this government got round to giving some grants to these particular youths in order to create the necessary Swiss-type singing which can be so beneficial when old people hear it, except of course if they're deaf, because it has to be said a lot louder than if... could somebody buzz in please!


NP: They were being a bit naughty. He was going so well, and the audience were enjoying it so much, the other three players decided to let him continue with his rambling which is... they were but they were surreal and delightful. And you should have kept going for another eight seconds, you've have done the full minute. But you appealed for help and Tim was the first one to come to your rescue, and he buzzed so Tim yes? I don't know what the challenge was but I should think he did everything that you shouldn't do in Just A Minute. But he did it magnificently and the audience loved it. So give him a bonus point. But Tim, you have a subject, having got a correct challenge, eight seconds available, the art of yodelling starting now.

TR: (sings) I Remember You-Oooh! (speaks) This was a hit record in 1962 by Frank Ifield and he put yodelling on the map where it should never have left...


NP: Indeed he did, Frank Ifield yes. I was with him at the Palladium, lovely! Right... I don't know why you laugh!

RN: Were you performing or were you just going on a date? What was the...

NP: I was on the same bill as him! At the palladium...

TH: Did Bill mind or not?

NP: In the 60s, I was working with Arthur Haynes, we were top of the bill with Frank Ifield. And er I've already been mentioned...

TH: It's been a downward spiral ever since!

NP: I know! Who was speaking as the whistle went? It was Tim Rice, wasn't it, so he's increased his lead at the end of that round. And Tony your turn to begin, the subject, sloth. Tell us something about sloth in Just A Minute starting now.

TH: I can't be arsed!



NP: I've given two other players bonus points for their contributions so now Tony gets a bonus point for his contribution, the illustration of sloth. But of course Tim Rice challenged, it was hesitation, and you have the subject Tim, sloth starting now.

TR: Sloth is a very sluggardly, slow moving...


NP: Ross challenged.

RN: I thought he was hesitating there.

TR: I was.

RN: Okay.

NP: So Ross...

RN: Wooohhoooo!

NP: ... you tell us something about sloth in 56 seconds starting now.

RN: I feel a bit sorry for the sloth because it's just a normal little animal but he's also one of the deadly sins! Which I don't really feel is appropriate. I mean how would you feel if it was thou shalt not kill, murder, pig? It just doesn't make sense! To bestow these qualities on to a creature is...


NP: Sue Perkins challenged.

SP: Two creatures?

RN: Animal wasn't it?

NP: No, animal...

SP: I'm retracting it! I sense hostility!

NP: Ross, another point to you, 38 seconds, sloth starting now.

RN: Sloth can all, all, blah blah!


NP: It was that time, yeah that was hesitation. Tony you got in first and 37 seconds on sloth starting now.

TH: I still can't be arsed!


NP: I can't give you another bonus point Tony, sorry, because I can't distribute them too freely, it wouldn't be fair on the others. But Sue you got in first, 35 seconds on sloth starting now.

SP: Sloth is my favourite deadly sin in that it requires very little effort. In fact to be naughty and be slothful at the same time means that you really have to get out of bed which is something that in my profession, I'm well used to! In terms of the seven deadly sins, it's the one I most...


NP: Tim challenged.

TR: Repetition of sins.

NP: Yes you mentioned the sins...

TR: If not deadly as well, I can't remember.

NP: Well it doesn't matter.

TR: It's a long time ago.

NP: Twenty seconds for sloth from you Tim starting now.

TR: Sloth hangs upside down all day long from a branch of the kookaburra tree. I'm talking absolute cobblers but...


NP: You say it so convincingly the audience, every one, was convinced that it does. Right, you're thinking of bats I think. Right, 13 seconds, you got in first Sue starting now.

SP: Sloth is accompanied by its distant cousin, avarice. And if anyone has any idea what that means, and could put it in plain and simple vocabuly, I'd be very grateful...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Er what does vocabulee mean?

SP: I don't know, but I'll bet you've got one second-hand, a bargain!

NP: Though she didn't quite get the word vocabulary out, I did know what she was trying to say. So I don't think I will give it against her.

TH: Oh you've spent so many times in pubs with people slurring at you, you understand that language!

NP: You've obviously spent your time with a lot of sloths, have you?

TH: I have too!

NP: So Sue, five seconds on sloth starting now.

SP: Strangely Tony has woken from his sluggish state and now presses a buzzer with a...


NP: So Sue Perkins speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. She's moving forward, she's only a couple of points behind Tony Hawks, Ross Noble's behind both of them. But out in the lead is Tim Rice who also begins the next round. Tim, love letters. Tell us something about those in this game starting now.

TR: Love letters straight from your heart, keep us so near while apart. I'm not alone in the night, while I can have all the love that you write. Yes those words strike home every time I hear them. I am moved, deeply affected. What excellent lyrics they are. Would that I had written them, if only because the income from that song is about 78,000 pounds a month and has been so since 1936 when Edward Hayman penned them. He also penned... ah!


NP: So Ross Noble, you listened very well, yes, he did pen ...

TH: He also penned ah!

SP: That was the net 78,000 pounds that went out wasn't it?

NP: Thirty-two seconds available Ross, love letters starting now.

RN: I sent about 15 love letters a week, and I now have 20 restraining orders against me! Unfortunately for me Natalie Imbruglia does not appreciate the attention that I am giving her, despite the fact that I don't use my own handwriting. I go to the local newspaper and using scissors and glue I create a letter which I feel myself is an act of sheer love for her. She is by...


NP: Yes Sue you challenged. What was the challenge Sue?

SP: I don't like to do it but it was hesitation.

NP: Yes it was.

RN: Oh yup.

NP: And you got in with five seconds to go on love letters starting now.

SP: After having Natalie Imbruglia's mail redirected to me, I saw first hand Ross's attempt to gain...


NP: So Sue Perkins is shooting forward there with great style. And not only more points and one for speaking as the whistle went, she's now equal with Tony Hawks in second place. They're now trailing Tim Rice by only four points and they're a few points ahead of Ross Noble who also begins the next round. Ross the subject now is nostrils. So 60 seconds now.

RN: Flared nostrils are often a sign of anger. It was also the most fashionable way to have your nose in the 1970s. David Soul used to often... bla bla bla!


NP: Ohhhh! Tony you challenged first.

TH: I think there was a hesitation.

NP: That was a hesitation.

RN: I said bla bla bla as well.

TH: Repetition of bla as well then.

NP: Fifty-one seconds available for you Tony on nostrils starting now.

TH: One of the disappointing things about growing older as a man is that your nostril hair increases as you grow to be more and more...


NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: A couple of grows there, weren't there?

TH: Certainly I said more and more anyway. Go on, take it, it was terrible! It was disgraceful and it was getting worse! Take it!

TR: It's not even very funny.

TH: I don't want to talk about nostrils, I'm sick and tired of them!

NP: You put a whole dampener on the whole thing!

TH: I'm afraid that sloth thing is carrying on really!

NP: I know! Tim it's a correct challenge, he did repeat, and 43 seconds on nostrils starting now.

TR: Where would we be without our nostrils?


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Slough!

NP: I don't know what...

TH: It's an answer! He asked a question, I had to answer it!

NP: You've given an answer Tony but...

TR: A very good challenge, chairman! He should have the subject!

SP: Yes! Give it to him! Make him do it!

NP: Right! They're being very generous and they're also putting each other under pressure! So the subject is nostrils and you have 40 seconds starting now.

TH: Unbeknown to people here, the Government put a new decree in last night that if you didn't have any nostrils, you had to go to Slough! And that explains my previous...


NP: Ross Noble challenged.

RN: Repetition of Slough.

TH: No, no, no! No you, I'm allowed to say Slough in my challenge! I didn't say it while I was talking!

NP: No, you didn't say it while you were talking.

TH: Yes.

RN: Oh that's true, yes.

TH: Yes.

NP: He said... Tony, an incorrect challenge, a point to you, 32 seconds, nostrils starting now.

TH: They do flare and people say it is indeed a sign of anger. But I know someone whose nostrils do that thing where they get bigger at the sides when they're just slightly cross. And this is confusing...


NP: Sue Perkins challenged.

SP: It's a bit, repetition of when three times.

NP: Yes there was when, yes.

TR: Very good! Very good!

NP: I don't know if it's very good, but it's accurate! Sue you got in with 21 seconds on nostrils starting now.

SP: The thing I hate about my nostrils is that they're slightly bulbous which is not to detract from the enormous ski slope which has appeared on the side of my face, like a sun dial almost! And in the summer many people come with crampons and try and climb the north face of my own visage. I'm very interested to hear Ross, and I'd like to hear more from him as I stumble my way through and then...


NP: But Tim challenged.

TR: Well, A, I would obviously like to stop her because she wanted to be stopped. But there was a couple of hears.

NP: That's right, yes, and she was deviating...

SP: Thank you Tim.

TR: That's all right, that's all right Sue.

NP: Tim you've got in with three seconds to go on nostril starting now.

TR: Nostrils, what an inspiring topic to talk about even for three seconds...


NP: So let me give you the score at the end of that round, because I think we're actually moving into the last round. Ross Noble is taking up a noble fourth place but with great style. And um great perspicacity and inventiveness. Sue Perkins is in third place with great strength and coherence and plausibility and intelligence. And er in second place with great sloth and er all kinds of other things he, he conveys is Tony Hawks who is only three points behind Tim Rice which is very interesting. And Sue's only four points behind so anything could happen. Sue Perkins it's your turn to begin, it's the last round, and here's an aggressive subject for you, a bunch of fives. Tell us something about a bunch of fives in 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SP: A bunch of fives is something you won't get from a florist, unless of course you just told her you're sleeping with her husband! In which case she's likely to bear down on you with a bunch of fives also known as a knuckle sandwich, GBH, or this is what happens if you spend an extended time in Scotland!


NP: Oooohh! Ooooh yes Tim?

TR: Well admirable sentiment of course, but um there was a gap you could have driven a truck through! Hesitation.

NP: There was a gap but it wasn't hesitation.

SP: I wish I had, then I wouldn't have said that thing about Scotland!

NP: I know because er I don't think either you or Tim should venture north of the Border for quite a while after what you just said. Tim you had a correct challenge so you get a point for that and you have a bunch of fives in the final round and you have 42 seconds starting now.

TR: A friend of mine was in a pop group called A Bunch Of Fives. And they didn't have much of a career, it was a total disaster from start to finish so that's enough of that! A bunch of fives is actually... as pointed out so...


NP: Ross Noble challenged.

RN: A little bit of hesitation.

TR: There was, I was stumbling, I'm falling apart you see.

NP: Ross Noble, 33 seconds, a bunch of fives starting now.

RN: I once went to see The Bunch Of Fives, live in concert and I have to say they were the finest pop group I ever saw. If it wasn't for Tim Rice down the front shouting "You're rubbish! Get off! You'll never amount to anything!" I thought this wasn't pleasant so I gave him a bunch of five, five-ser!


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Well was there a hesitation?

NP: There was a hesitation yes. he made his point, he got his laugh, did it wonderfully. And we are hearing from everybody in this round which is the last round on the subject of a bunch of fives. Sixteen seconds with you Tony Hawks starting now.

TH: A bunch of fives is when all the centre halfs in the Premier League go out for an evening out. It is...


NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Two outs.

NP: There were two outs.

TH: True.

NP: Yes there were two outs.


NP: What do you mean oh? It's the rules! Ten seconds with you Tim on a bunch of fives starting now.

TR: A bunch of fives is something I would only resort to in the very last instance. Like if somebody said to me "hello", then...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: How about if someone buzzed you with a second to go?


NP: All I can do there is give Tony a bonus point for we enjoyed the interruption. But Tim was interrupted so he gets a point for that and he keeps the subject with the last three seconds, well, he may only go for one, we don't know. A bunch of fives starting now.


NP: And he has been challenged. Ross Noble?

RN: Sorry, I just wanted to see him punch someone!

NP: A bonus point to Ross Noble, and Tim has still got the subject with two and a half seconds, a bunch of fives starting now.

TR: I abhor violence! I hate it!



NP: So Sue you got in, yes?

SP: He was grimacing and he was lost in the magic of the ham-moment and then just got er speechless!

NP: He definitely, yes, he hesitated there.

TR: I just, I just lost it, I dried...

NP: I know, I know, thank you for explaining to our listeners what he looked like at that particular time! It does help in radio, and er...

SP: I wanted to!

NP: And Sue we have heard from everybody with great style on this last subject of a bunch of fives. And Sue Perkins has got in with one and a half seconds to go starting now.

SP: After this show Tim Rice will...


NP: So it only remains for me to give you the final situation. It hasn't changed much throughout the show but the points have moved forward consistently throughout. Ross Noble, started in fourth place, finished in fourth place. But with a lot of points! Sue Perkins... and a lot of style as well! Sue Perkins started with great flourish and finished with great flourish and a lot of points, but just in second place, behind Tony Hawks who had equal flourish and panache and style, and he has got a lot of points. But four points ahead of them, the man who took the lead at the beginning, kept it through the end was Tim Rice. So Tim Rice we say you're the winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to our four delightful players of the game, Ross Noble, Tim Rice, Sue Perkins and Tony Hawks. Also thank Janet Staplehurst for helping with the score, blowing her whistle with such policeman like style. And also our producer Claire Jones. We're indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are deeply indebted to this lovely Yorkshire audience here at the City of Varieties in Leeds for cheering us on our way. We hope you haven't felt too hot because we've loved having you here. From our audience, from the panel, from me Nicholas Parsons, hope you enjoyed it, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Till then good-bye! Yes!