JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,DJacobs
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and DAVID JACOBS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 August 1973)

NOTE: David Jacobs's first appearance, John Cassels's first show as producer.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and David Jacobs in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard from the announcer, we are very thrilled and delighted to welcome this week for the first time to play Just A Minute David Jacobs. Very courageously and sportingly I think, come along to do battle, a battle of wits against these three clever and experienced exponents of the game. I'm going to ask them to speak as usual if they can on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And we'll start the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of is my giddy aunt. Would you talk about your giddy aunt for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My giddy aunt was called Mary Sudbury. She was a sergeant in the paratroop regiment, and a very large lady indeed. I remember when I was training for the Suez Crisis, or what became of that, in Cyprus, I was out on manoeuvres one day. And I saw coming towards me this large...

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs has challenged.

DAVID JACOBS: Well I think he said large twice.

NP: He did, David, you're quite right!

DN: Very good!

NP: The first point to our newcomer, David Jacobs.

DN: Ooohh!

NP: He gets a point for a correct challenge and he takes over the subject now with 41 seconds to go on my giddy aunt starting now.

DJ: My giddy aunt was a very frustrated person because she was an ice skater living on an island in the Pacific. Because none...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: I was going to say deviation, but he said she was very frustrated. And I would like David A, to um...

NP: You're wriggling out of a bad challenge, he will get a point for an incorrect challenge...

CF: I would like to welcome him and say good evening. I'm sorry I spoke and um...

NP: Oh we're never sorry when you speak Clement...

CF: I'll go on then!

NP: But don't try and wriggle out of your challenges. Um er Derek, I mean David, you have got another point because that was a wrong challenge. You keep the subject, you have 31 seconds left, my giddy aunt starting now.

DJ: She was er a frustrated person...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in this time.

CF: Ah she repeated.

DN: Her frustration.

DJ: Oh I see.

NP: Clement I agree with your challenge, so you take the subject, having got a point for a correct challenge, 28 seconds, my giddy aunt starting now.

CF: When my giddy aunt's vertigo ah reached...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

PJ: He said er! He actually said er!

CF: A bit unkind, isn't it.

NP: Well you have the subject Peter of my giddy aunt now, with 25 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I remember her so vividly sitting on the horse on this roundabout, doing round and up and down arcs...

BUZZ

NP: Very clever Peter!

PJ: Thank you very much!

NP: I think I know your challenge there.

PJ: Fell into that trap!

DN: Round.

NP: No, he didn't say round, he said round and up and down.

DN: And roundabout.

CF: No, round...

NP: Round, roundabout is...

PJ: Roundabout is what she was sitting on!

CF: Round roundabout.

DN: It was worth a go! It was worth a go!

NP: He led you into a challenge which he gets a point for and there are 17 seconds left on my giddy aunt starting now.

PJ: She wore a straw hat with a lot of fruit on it. Cherries, pears, grapes and a few feathers as well. And she whooped it up in the most amazing way...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DN: Repetition of up, up and down, up.

NP: Oh!

PJ: Up you!

NP: That's what I call a tough challenge, but being a correct one, I have to give it to you. And of course it's a wicked one too because there's only five seconds left, you got in just before the whistle Derek, you have my giddy aunt again, five seconds starting now.

DN: And as this vast woman floated down towards me, I said "my giddy aunt, it's my giddy aunt!"

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round of my giddy aunt everybody spoke, everybody got some points. And the lead is held equally between Derek Nimmo, David Jacobs and Peter Jones. They all have two. Clement Freud would you begin the next round, the subject is our one hope. Would you talk about that starting now.

CF: Our one hope is a rabbit called Winkle, who is black and white. We've given up the cat. The dog is pretty useless by now. The children have gone away. My giddy aunt has left for Cyprus to take party in another aerobatics demonstration for the local government. But this animal which I've previously mentioned and therefore not allowed to refer to again by name, is totally our last hope. If war should break out again, there is no other person to whom I would entrust the safety...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: A rabbit isn't a person!

CF: You don't know our rabbit! Your rabbit may well not be a person.

NP: This is one of those difficult decisions...

PJ: You can't say, you can't compare it to another person.

NP: If you have a pet, you often refer to it as a person. But basically I agree, in principle...

PJ: Well not that sort of pet! A Penthouse pet possibly!

NP: Yes but I think you're right Peter. It is an animal and therefore you should refer to it in that way. So I give you the challenge, a point to you, 24 seconds left, our one hope starting now.

PJ: I welcome the opportunity to address the English speaking world on this momentous subject of our one last hope. Which I believe, fervently ladies and gentlemen...

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs has challenged.

DJ: Well I thought the question was our... oh is it our one last hope, is it?

NP: No, our one hope.

DJ: Oh, our one hope. Well he started talking about our one last hope.

PJ: Yes well that's the particular one I'm talking about!

DJ: Oh is it? Well we are in trouble.

NP: We are in trouble because you see his one hope could be his last hope.

DJ: Yes.

PJ: Yes I've only ever had one! And it was the last one!

NP: So I don't think, strictly speaking David, he has deviated though it was a good challenge. Thirteen seconds with you Peter, our one hope starting now.

PJ: Get behind the United Nations and seek to pass words of wisdom, kindness and love, one to the other, across the seas and the dominions and that...

WHISTLE

NP: David Jacobs will you begin the next round please, the subject is my status symbol. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

DJ: My status symbol is unknown to most people. I do have the privilege of using after my name four letters. TTOM...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of T, I'm afraid.

NP: I'm afraid... yes it's tough, isn't it.

DN: It's tough! Oh it's tough David!

CF: If you'd had the VC, this would never have come up, would it!

DJ: I deserve it, you see, for coming!

NP: Yes I think you do, David! I'm afraid it was such a deliberate repetition I have to award it against you. And so Derek you have the subject of my status symbol with 47 seconds left starting now.

DJ: My status symbol is a signed photograph of David Jacobs...

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs got in.

DJ: Yes because he stumbled over my name.

NP: And therefore you thought it was hesitation.

DJ: Hesitation.

NP: And I would agree and give you the subject back and say that you have 43 seconds for my status symbol starting now.

DJ: TOM stands for Tots...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of T...

NP: Yes.

CF: ...O and M.

NP: You see you had the T before and if you repeat it a second time...

DJ: My goodness me! Well done!

NP: It's a tough game David, and it's wicked the way they play it! Clement you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 38 seconds on my status symbol starting now.

CF: My granny said to me "don't wear your status symbol on your sleeve. Otherwise you will stop the traffic and women of indeterminate age will come up to you and say "excuse me, isn't that your status symbol..."

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs.

DJ: Oh I made a terrible mistake then.

NP: No, it's all right, you probably don't realise...

PJ: Hand probably slipped on the buzzer, didn't it David?

DJ: Actually yes.

PJ: Far too greasy in this climate, yes.

NP: No, it gives me an opportunity to remind the audience if they don't already know that you can repeat the subject on the card.

DJ: Yes I did know that and I...

NP: So we won't award any points and tell Clement that he has 26 seconds to continue with my status symbol starting now.

CF: And when I visited the upper reaches of Suffolk, even as far as Norfolk, the status symbol diminished astonishingly. It was quite small when I got to Lincolnshire. And people said "excuse me, is that small thing..."

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of small.

CF: Yes.

NP: Yes I'm afraid the smalls got into trouble! And there are 10 seconds for you Derek on my status symbol starting now.

DN: My fellow member of the panel who I illustrated... giving this lovely...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I think there was a hesitation. Yes seven seconds...

DN: It's my stutter! It's very difficult!

NP: I know!

DN: And I just find it rather difficult to get my words out occasionally. It's very nasty.

NP: I know and when you have three people staring at you and trying...

DN: I wasn't looking at them, I was looking at the audience. They're much prettier than that lot!

NP: You look at the audience so much I can't often hear you which is very difficult for me. Ah Clement, seven seconds on my status symbol starting now.

CF: In Devon, Dorset, Wiltshire and Cornwall, my status symbol tends to be a mulberry bush which hangs from our belt...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went so at the end of that round, a very interesting situation. Peter Jones is in the lead. He's two points ahead of Derek Nimmo, David Jacobs and Clement Freud who are all equal in second place. And Derek Nimmo your turn to start, the subject, laughing. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well all sorts of things can make you laugh, can't they really. It's very extraordinary. And looking at this audience tonight, I'm in positive hoots. And a great welter of people coming up on this wonderfully warm evening, sweltering away. I look at them, I laugh out loud! Ho hee, says I! I think they must be a load of old chumps and mugs! They've got better things to do than hanging around sitting on these seats! They could be out wandering along the banks...

BUZZ

DN: Who buzzed?

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of they.

NP: Well tried Peter! He did say it more than once.

DN: Are we going to have ands and...

PJ: Well that's a repetition if he said it more than once!

NP: Yes but we don't usually bother to pull each other up on ands and theys and thes.

PJ: Well he said up! What about up?

NP: Well all right...

PJ: What about up?

NP: Because of, because of, your quits now because...

PJ: That up rankles!

NP: I know! Because of your up, I will give him your they. I mean because of his up, you can have his they.

PJ: Oh well thanks. You always make it sound rather patronising when you give me a point!

NP: No, I'm just trying to... I try to be fair and...

PJ: I know! And you fail most of the time!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

DN: I like that! It makes me laugh anyway, I can tell you!

NP: Why do you think they ask me back? Because if they didn't have a chairman who consistently fails...

PJ: It's not for me to try and unravel the workings of their minds! Poor deranged creatures!

NP: All right Peter, I've unravelled yours...

PJ: No, I admire the way you keep trying!

NP: So you challenged, you challenged...

CF: But no more ups or theys.

NP: You challenged on a they, and you have got 34 seconds on laughing starting now.

PJ: It can be very good for you. It's an excellent exercise because the muscles of the chest are moved and jostled and the joints of the shoulders very often are er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, yeah?

CF: Hesitation or hee-sitation or I don't know what it was.

NP: He couldn't think how to describe it.

PJ: Yes well I certainly was hesitating yes.

NP: So Clement you have a point on the laughing situation and there are 20 seconds starting now.

CF: One of the most regular things that make people laugh are jokes about politicians as in...

BUZZ

NP: Ah David Jacobs challenged.

DJ: I think one of the things that makes you laugh is! I don't know what sort of a challenge that is.

CF: Yes, mmm.

DJ: Was that all right?

NP: That's correct English, one of the things is. That is right.

DJ: He said one of the things are.

DN: Yes.

NP: Oh well that is incorrect English, you have a point.

DJ: All right.

NP: And you have 14 seconds David on laughing starting now.

DJ: It is a very famous gramophone record which revolves at 78, and...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No, I don't think so.

DJ: Oh all right.

NP: I disagree. Five seconds...

PJ: Well he wasn't going at 78, it was about 53 I think!

NP: Five seconds on laughing David starting now.

DJ: It is called... sorry...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: It's a big reflex action! When you hear a hesitation, one forgets that you're being lenient because he's a new thing and one automatically presses. I'm so sorry, it's just automatically when one has a correct challenge, one tends to make it. But I withdraw it and I'm sorry I did it now!

NP: David Jacobs has another point and there are four and a half seconds on laughing starting now.

DJ: It's called The Laughing Policeman, a very...

WHISTLE

NP: Those wicked challenges against David Jacobs for er er a hint of hesitation, but not a real one gave him the lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round, the subject is Saint Martin. Would you talk about him for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: There are of course a number of Saint Martins. But the one that I would like to talk about was previously known as Blessed Martin of Corres. He lived in I think the 15th century, my hagiography is weak. In South America and had an extraordinary ability for communion with animals. There was a time when the monastery in which he resided had a plague of rats and mice and the Abbot was about to put down poison which would have destroyed these animals but...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of animals.

NP: I'm afraid there was but it was such an interesting story.

PJ: Yes well go on with it, I don't mind! Give me a point... give me a point and let him continue with it.

NP: All right, give Peter Jones a point and let Clement Freud continue with the story...

CF: I don't speak for nothing, I'm sorry!

NP: Peter take over the subject of Saint Martin, 29 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I'd like to speak about the other Saint Martin who resided in the fields and had this...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud's challenged.

CF: Well that's absolute nonsense! The church is called St Martin's.

NP: In the field, yes...

CF: Saint Martin didn't reside in the field!

PJ: Yes he did, not the same field, but he was in a field! We all know that!

DN: It's called Hearty.

PJ: Just in Tuscany, you remember. He lived there beside a monk. You must know!

NP: Well I suppose, you know, this is the thing. You're not strictly speaking, deviating from the subject on the card because there could have been a Saint Martin who er, who resided... no, you don't reside in a field! That's living! No, you could, I think that's a bit, I think that's a bit...

PJ: Well he resided in a field, because he couldn't stand it in Sienna. You remember during the revolt in Sienna in 1429...

CF: Yes I remember it well!

NP: All right, I think you've very well established that you were deviating...

DN: It was the Qianti Revolution, wasn't it, when all those growers from Qianti...

NP: That's right, all those growers.

DN: ...banded together...

NP: The Qianti Revolution!

DN: ...reserved the name of Qianti, yes I remember.

NP: Very well yes, and David Jacobs hesitated as well. So Clement Freud you have the subject back and there are 23 seconds left on Saint Martin starting now.

CF: One of the most extraordinary things about Saint Martin was that it was some 450 years after his death that he was finally canonised, an exceedingly rare thing in the Catholic Church. But an amount of rejoicing took place, not only among black people of whom he was one, but among devotees all over the world, was fantastic...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah Clement Freud got a well deserved point for speaking as...

CF: You can talk religious nonsense and nobody has the courage... It is extraordinary, isn't it!

DN: Because it's Simon de Forrest isn't it. It's Simon de Forrest, not, not...

CF: No, no, Lady of the martheadpoist...

NP: Peter Jones will you begin the next round. Putting out a fire. The subject is yours, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: The great thing to remember when you're putting out a fire is not to use water. Because that can be terribly dangerous. Find if you can a er bucket of sand...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation, a splutter.

NP: Yes there was.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Fifty seconds for you on putting out a fire Derek starting now.

DN: All sorts of rather unusual ways of putting out fires actually. I remember when I was in the Wolf Cubs, we had a various curious way of putting them out, which I couldn't possibly relate on this story! But anyway the more conventional method is to call for the Fire Brigade...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has...

CF: Repetition of method.

NP: Ah yes, I'm afraid there was. Clement you have the subject, 36 seconds, putting out a fires starting now.

CF: Perhaps the most important single ingredient to putting out a fire is actually having a conflagration because otherwise it is totally pointless. But faced with say a burning house which this afternoon will do very well to illustrate what I am talking about, open the windows and the doors, they tell you on television, because if you do that, ah...

BUZZ

CF: I can't really remember what...

NP: David Jacobs has challenged.

DJ: Hesitation.

CF: Don't open the windows and doors, yes!

NP: That's right, don't open them...

CF: If anybody is listening...

NP: If anybody's listening...

DN: That has to have a handy fire going!

NP: Shut the windows and doors so you can't get out! It's what... David I agree with your challenge, you have 10, no you have 12 seconds on putting out a fire starting now.

DJ: Get out of your motor car, close the door behind you, run as quickly as you can to those brushes that are by the woodshed and you will find if you...

WHISTLE

NP: Well David Jacobs once again got the point for speaking when the whistle went, he's maintained his lead, he's two points ahead of Clement Freud who's one point ahead of Peter Jones, and he's one point ahead of Derek Nimmo. And David Jacobs would you begin the next round and the subject is patience. Would you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

DJ: My doctor tells me that I am one of his very best patients. I don't have to see him very often because I carry with me an enormous stock of medicaments. If I travel the country as I often do, I take all sorts of bottled...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Forty-three seconds Derek, patience, starting now.

DN: A jack, the knave, King, Queen, Ace, two, three, clubs, diamonds, hearts and spades. How lovely to play a game of patience. I do think on warm summer evenings like today, to sit in the garden with a table in front of you, and to cut the playing cards down...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of cards.

NP: Yes, um, 25 seconds, patience with you Peter starting now.

PJ: This is a great virtue. Imagine that woman sitting on the monument year after monotonous... (laughs)

BUZZ

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek yes you challenged.

DN: Hesitation but I mean it was...

PJ: Well I...

NP: No, he didn't hesitate.

DN: Well he blew up then! Year after monotonous hahahaha.

NP: You challenged...

DN: Repetition of hahaha then!

PJ: It's a personal style which I shall never be able to change.

NP: No, I thought it was very clever, he did that and you challenged. Your buzzer went before he paused.

DN: No it did not actually.

PJ: Before I hesitated? Yes, I think it did now you come to think of it.

DN: I think that's one you should put to the audience.

PJ: You seem to have caught on to this game in the last five minutes Nicholas in the most extraordinary way!

NP: All right well, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt Peter. So you have 14 seconds, patience starting now.

PJ: And the game of course is played by oneself, sitting in a private room if you have one. And a table is necessary, chair to help one the best...

WHISTLE

NP: You will not be surprised to hear at the end of the round, Peter Jones has taken the lead. And Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject, old wive's tales. And there are 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Hang on! I haven't got it written down!

BUZZ

NP: David Jacobs has challenged.

DJ: I thought he hesitated.

NP: I think he did David. You're in, there are 57 seconds, old wive's tales starting now.

DJ: An old wife once said to me "if you have chilblains, get a large bowl and pour specially prepared water into it. Take off your shoes, remove your socks and dangle your feet into the actual appliance I have mentioned before." If you are Derek Nimmo, then you can twiddle your...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, because he couldn't find another word for toes. I don't think there is one! Thirty-five seconds Derek on old wive's tales starting now.

DN: I always indulge in polygamy. And my oldest wife is a fairly ancient gorilla with a particularly large tail. And when I see her come...

BUZZ

DN: What's the matter?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation, er.

NP: Oh no, you're being too difficult and devious now, no I don't...

CF: Oh.

NP: So he has another point and there are 19 seconds on old wive's tales starting now.

DN: Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor doggy a bone. When she got there, the aforementioned was bare and so the wretched canine got one! Which seems to be a fairly stupid old wive's tale...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

DN: Oh when? When?

NP: On the aforementioned. What was your challenge Clement?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: From the basic nursery rhyme!

NP: How do...

CF: It was also not an old wive's tale.

DN: It was told to me by a very old wife.

NP: Yes actually that's a good challenge, because the old wive's tale does say the cupboard was bare. And therefore you were deviating from the old wive's tale. You were giving your own version of it. So that is therefore devious.

DN: What's devious about that?

CF: Well done.

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The audience want me to give it to Derek Nimmo, don't you?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek Nimmo has a point, there are two many of them out there for me to inalienate. Nine and a half seconds left, old wive's tales, Derek starting now.

DN: If there is any wonderful dear old wives in the audience tonight and they would like me to look at their tails after the show, perhaps they could pop around and I'd be most happy to...

WHISTLE

NP: I'm afraid we have no more time, so I'll give you the final score. Clement Freud, unusually for him finished up in fourth place, just a little way behind David Jacobs, playing the game for the first time extraordinarily well because he was only one point behind Derek Nimmo. And Derek was only one point behind this week's winner Peter Jones. We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Till then from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Cassels.