JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 August 1973)

NOTE: Peter Jones's 50th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Just A Minute. We hope you're going to enjoy the show. And once again I'm going to ask our four keen competitors of the game if they can speak for just one minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And let us begin the show this week with that most exuberant of performers, Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject is my foibles. Can you talk to us about them for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: They are manifold. But among them is a desperate desire to burst into lyricism at the drop of a hat. This all began when I was on a bullock cart on my way to Dorlich, where I was taken by my godmother in my youth. And one of the lyrics that I was prone to recite was:
There was an old man of Madrid,
Who went to an auction to bid,
And the first thing they showed,
Was an ancient commode,
Whatho! When they lifted... no, perhaps I'd better...

BUZZ

KW: ... not continue with that, but another...

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged you. Derek what is the basis of your challenge?

DEREK NIMMO: A justifiable hesitation.

NP: A very unjustifiable challenge, I don't think he hesitated, he was doing very well. So I disagree with your challenge, Kenneth gets a point for a wrong challenge and keeps the subject, and he has 34 seconds left, my foibles Kenneth starting now.

KW: Another which springs to mind is
There was a young lady of Ealing,
Who walked upside down on the ceiling...

BUZZ

KW: And her mother said "Rose...
That I suppose
Is a very peculiar feeling!"

NP: Derek challenged you as you started your second rhyme.

KW: What for?

DN: Repetition of supposes, repetition of youngs and various other ones.

NP: Ah yes.

DN: They were much the same lyric, with a dirtier ending!

KW: What was the repetition?

NP: What is the actual repetition?

DN: Well, young was repeated.

NP: Yes the word young, I'm afraid, was repeated. There was the other...

KW: It wasn't young! There was an old man from Madrid, and that was a young lady from Ealing, dear! There was no, there was no repetition...

PETER JONES: Quite!

NP: All right, all right, you've justified yourself Kenneth. You have another point and you have 31...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thirty-one seconds starting now.

KW: Another one of my foibles is to avoid the dirty crack. I mean in the sense of pavement, or in the sense of what comes out of people's mouths. Both are liable to end up with er...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged this time.

PJ: Ah hesitation.

NP: He stumbled, is a stumble a hesitation?

SHEILA HANCOCK: Yes!

DN: It always has been for the last six years!

NP: He actually repeated sense, but nobody spotted that one. There are 20 seconds...

SH: I did, but I don't want to talk about foibles!

NP: Nice to hear from you Sheila! There are 20 seconds left for you Peter Jones, because I agree with your challenge and therefore you gain a point and the subject starting now.

PJ: Well as I interpret the subject, we're supposed to talk about your foibles. Now I don't know very much about them. I know you have...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DN: Well deviation, if he doesn't know anything about them, he can't talk about them, can he?

PJ: That's never stopped you!

NP: Exactly Peter! In this game you have to try! You have to keep going even if you ah don't know a great deal about it. Peter you have a point for a wrong challenge, you keep the subject and 13 seconds on my foibles starting now.

PJ: Now I know he has one foible which involves always going to the wrong studio to do broadcasts. This in fact...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, it's not true. It's the first time, to my knowledge, that he's ever gone to the wrong studio.

NP: Well I'm in a difficult situation. I must explain to our audience and to our listeners, that today I did go to the wrong studio for this recording! But of course, I must disagree with Peter Jones. I don't always go to the wrong studio. I must also disagree...

PJ: Well that's a matter of opinion!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And I must disagree with Derek's challenge because he says as far as he knows, this is the only time. Well I must be truthful, in fact I have been before to the wrong studio. So what shall I do? Shall I let the audience be the judges?

IAN MESSITER: Oh yes!

NP: Audience, if you agree with Derek's challenge that I've only been to the wrong studio once, will you cheer. If you agree er that, with Peter Jones that I always go to the wrong studio, will you boo. And will you all do it together now.

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh I'm going! They think I always go to the wrong studio. You think I'm always in the wrong studio. Well bad luck on you next time if I'm... anyway! You agree with Peter Jones, you're all against the chairman as well as the panel! My goodness! Peter you have another...

SH: I'm not against you Nick!

NP: Oh Sheila! Thank you! Peter you have another point and five seconds on my foibles starting now.

PJ: I know another foible you have which I... don't want to...

BUZZ

NP: Um Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Sheila, you've got in just before the whistle, there are two seconds on my foibles Sheila starting now.

SH: I find it very embarrassing to talk about...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as you know whoever is speaking when the whistle goes, which is blown most delicately and exquisitely by Ian Messiter who thought of the game, gets an extra point. And er on this occasion it was Sheila who is in second place with Kenneth Williams behind Peter Jones who is in the lead. And Derek is yet to score. And Sheila will begin the next round and the subject is excuses. Sheila would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

SH: Excuses are something that I used to make when I was younger, but I've ceased to make now I'm aged. Because I think if people can't accept me as I am, well it's their bad luck! If I'm late, I just say I'm late. I don't make up any reasons. I remember my very first excuse was when I was three years old, and I decided to leave home. And my parents ran a pub and I packed my attaché case with all my belongings and walked out through the pub in dead silence because everybody was rather anxious. And five minutes later I came back shamefacedly, and said "I've forgot my gloves!" Which of course was just an excuse to get back. However since then as I say I've changed...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of pub.

SH: Oh yes.

PJ: It was a long time ago, but I thought it better to let the story unwind.

KW: No! It's too long ago! It's past it! You should have made it when it happened!

NP: No, no...

KW: You should make it when it happened! You can't wait for all that length of time! That's a disgrace! Sheila Hancock was well under way! You did a most ungallant thing!

NP: No, I think he was... I think...

KW: Most ungallant!

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: I don't think you should stand for that!

NP: In spite of, in spite of the way you're playing on the audience! I, I disagree, I think he was actually being gallant because he allowed Sheila to keep going so that we heard something from Sheila that we found very touching and interesting and then he decided to challenge. So I award him a point for a correct challenge and he has the subject with 17 seconds left, excuses Peter starting now.

PJ: I've known actors and writers who are more inventive in making excuses than they are in their work. One of the great secrets about excuses is to only make one at a time. If you fail to turn up for some function, and you explain that you are ill, that your uncle died...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went, and he gained that bonus point which means he increased his lead at the end of that round. He now has five points. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round please. The subject is training a performing flea. I don't know whether Ian Messiter's thought of the subject because he feels that you might have some personal experience but we'll soon find out as you start talking for 60 seconds now.

DN: Well training performing fleas is really a frightfully difficult thing to do. Of course you have to establish a breeding ground for your fleas. And one tends to use one's friends ears, so you can send them away with a flea on one, so they can grow and mature and become nicely rounded fleas.
An extraordinary thing is a flea,
You can't tell a him from a she,
But he can and she can
Whoopee!
Which is a very nice thing to recite when you are actually performing with...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: He's er reciting limericks again! Like Kenneth was! Nothing er to do with how to train a performing flea.

KW: Incorrect challenge, he wasn't reciting limericks before, so how could he recite them again?

PJ: No, you were!

NP: Kenneth Williams, thank you very much Kenneth, we enjoyed it. But I'm actually the chairman who has to make the decision.

PJ: If you believe that, you'll believe anything!

NP: He's not being repetitious about the subject, he's still talking about training performing fleas. So Derek you have a point for an incorrect challenge and 30 seconds left starting now.

DN: The equestrian flea is particularly desirable. As you all know, big fleas have little ditto on their backs to ride them and little similar have something rather different and so on...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes that's correct and you have 19 seconds left to start talking on training a performing flea starting now.

PJ: I know a little about how to train a performing flea, because I was once on a television programme with a man who did it for a living. And it was interesting at lunchtime, he rolled his left sleeve up, and gave his fleas a meal off his arm...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: I haven't come here to listen to a load of filth like that! It's disgusting! Supposed to be family entertainment and listening to people feeding fleas!

NP: Well it couldn't be more family minded than giving your own flesh to your fleas, could you?

KW: Disgusting!

NP: So Kenneth what is your challenge?

KW: Er deviation.

PJ: When he wants an evening of filth, he normally stays at home!

NP: Well he wasn't being devious from the subject I'm afraid Kenneth. So he gets another point and five seconds left Peter starting now.

PJ: And then he...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: A long hesitation.

NP: Well not a long one, but it was a hesitation.

PJ: It wasn't actually hesitation at all, no, no, no!

SH: Yes it was!

PJ: It was... I was waiting for the applause to die down!

KW: Ohhhhh!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

SH: Oh dear!

NP: You almost deserve a bonus point for that remark. But I'll resist the temptation as you're in the lead and say Derek has a point for a correct challenge and three seconds left on training a [performing flea Derek starting now.

DN: If you were training performing fleas, you'd have to start from scratch. This is terribly important...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, Derek Nimmo has increased his position so he is now in second place, having overtaken Sheila and Kenneth. But Peter Jones is still very definitely in the lead. And Peter we'd like you to begin the next round, and the subject is being virtuous. That's made you look sort of nonplussed. But would you talk on it now for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: What a wonderful subject! I feel very gratified that I have been invited by the British Broadcasting Corporation to address the English speaking world on this great theme! An old fashioned word, and there's a er...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila?

SH: Oh it's very unfair, hesitation.

NP: I'm not surprised after the things he was saying! He couldn't keep up his... I was going to say virtuosity, no it wasn't...

SH: I don't think you should allow the challenge really.

NP: I think I should because I think, I mean, when Peter starts talking about being virtuous, he slowly grinds to a halt. And er so Sheila, we'll see how you do on the subject, a point for a correct challenge, and 37 and a half seconds starting now.

SH: Being virtuous usually means being chaste and kind and charitable...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: It doesn't mean being chaste! I've been chasing her for years!

SH: But I'm virtuous, I haven't been... sorry?

NP: Well it means whether she was being chaste or chased.

SH: Yes I was being chaste.

NP: Chaste with a T or chased without a T.

DN: Oh I'm sorry.

NP: And I think she has a T in her chaste. So um so er you have 29 seconds left and another point Sheila and you begin on being virtuous starting now.

SH: However nowadays it is very difficult to find those qualities in people. Because unfortunately...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams?

KW: It's not difficult at all! She's looking right at me!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

SH: You can't allow that! You can't allow that!

NP: I'll put it to the audience if you like.

KW: Ask them! Ask them if I'm virtuous! Ask them if I am!

SH: They don't know him as well as I do!

NP: Without knowing him as well as Sheila Hancock, if you think that Kenneth Williams is virtuous, would you cheer. And if you think he's not virtuous, would you boo. And will you all do it together now.

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN

NP: You brought that one on yourself Kenneth Williams! They booed your...

SH: You're a lot of other things! You're a lot of other lovely things! But just not virtuous!

NP: I don't know what the result is but Sheila keeps the subject, we were having a bit of fun then. Ah there are 24 seconds left starting now.

SH: However children usually have this quality...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Children are not notorious for their virtue. They're notorious in fact for their cruelty. It's often remarked upon by scholars so...

NP: Yes I would agree, if we're going to be rather intellectual about this...

SH: It depends what you say virtue is.

NP: Often children do not have their virtues. Often we try to grow them up...

KW: Innocence they may have, but not virtue.

NP: Now you've proved you're not virtuous! All right...

KW: All this blethering and blethering, why don't you get on!

NP: Twenty seconds on being virtuous starting now.

KW: This is something I practice daily and it's largely a result of self-discipline. Let us not kid ourselves. Be there a man with soul so (unintelligible) never to himself act said, this is my home, our native land, whose heart is there...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: It's deviation, he's talking a load of rubbish!

NP: Let us go back to Sheila with being virtuous and six seconds to go starting now.

SH: I have come to the conclusion that being virtuous is very difficult to define...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of difficult.

NP: Yes she did say something was difficult before. So Derek you have a point and two seconds on being virtuous starting now.

DN: When a man goes er virtuous into their old age, their own...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: He stuttered! He stuttered!

NP: Sheila you pressed your buzzer before the whistle, what was...

SH: He stuttered!

DN: I did not!

PJ: He definitely did!

SH: You did!

NP: What is your challenge? What's your challenge, Sheila?

SH: Stutter, hesitation!

NP: Yes I think it was absolute rubbish he was talking.

SH: Yes.

NP: You win the point, you have half a second Sheila on being virtuous starting now.

SH: Eh? Oh...

WHISTLE

NP: You'll never guess what's happened at the end of that round!

SH: I'm winning!

NP: Yes! Being virtuous has taken Sheila into the lead, two points ahead of Peter Jones, who is four points, three points ahead of Derek, and one point ahead of Kenneth. And the subject is now...

CRIES OF "AWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Ohhh! But you're going to hear from Kenneth Williams now, it's his turn to start. And the subject is Wolfgang Amadeus Cristosossom Mozart. Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: Yes he was born in Austria, the place, I believe, was Salzburg, and was trundled round Europe by his Dad, all these, infant prodigy you might call him, on the harpsichord. And he was in Ebrey Street where there Mrs Clutton was the landlady and happen she said after hearing him once "oh if music be the food of love, play on..."

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock's challenged.

SH: Wasn't that Shakespeare?

NP: Yes, Shakespeare said it, but Mrs Clutton might have repeated it too!

SH: Ohhhhhh!

NP: So Kenneth Williams you didn't deviate from the subject and you have 30, 41 seconds left starting now.

KW: In fact when he played her his clarinet quintet, she said "oh I could die" and did! She expired in the arms of the St John's Ambulance that were there actually, very troubled...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Deviation, St John's Ambulance were not around in the 18th century!

NP: No, so Derek has a correct challenge and 30 seconds on Wolfgang Amadeus Cristossom Mozart starting now.

DN: Well dear Mrs Clutton, she did look after him terribly well. I remember one time when his mother came to visit him, she brought him this lovely steak and some asparagus. And when Mister Mozart returned to the scene (bursts into giggles) his landlady said "I..."

BUZZ

DN: ".... will cook the meat and put the bluebells in water!"

SH: Oh!

NP: You've been challenged by Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: When?

PJ: In the middle of that last er outburst.

KW: No, no, no!

NP: I don't know...

PJ: He didn't go on, he was laughing and not going on with the subject.

NP: Quite right, he was, he's quite right. Peter Jones you have a subject and you have er 14 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Actually he was only six when he lived in Ebrey Street...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Deviation, it's not true!

NP: Well I don't know how old he was in Ebrey Street!

DN: He wasn't six!

NP: What? He wasn't six? All right then, you've got the subject.

PJ: Do you know how old he was?

KW: Nine!

DN: Nine, nine!

KW: It says it in the Clutton biography!

NP: Yes he was nine actually! I know, I know you, I know when you...

LAUGHTER FROM PJ

NP: I know when you read it, you read the six upside down! The nine upside down and thought it was six, Peter. But I'm very sorry, it was actually nine. So there are 11 seconds with you on the subject um Derek starting now.

DN: Picture the scene in Vienna in the 18th century! Suddenly music moves from Italy to that venerable city there in Austria, under the Hapsburgs. And suddenly there are people like Heyden and...

WHISTLE

DN: And Mrs Clutton!

NP: Ian Messiter, I wish you'd think of some easier subjects for them and then I wouldn't have such difficult problems on decisions. Sheila Hancock is still in the lead, one ahead of Peter who has crept up on her a little now. Derek's creeping up as well, and Kenneth's still creeping! And Sheila we're back with you and the subject, oh very apt for this show, laughter. Would you talk on the subject of laughter for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: This is one of the joys of my life. And I hope everybody else's. I used to think when people said to me "isn't it nice to make people laugh?" that it was a bit of a waste of time. Until just recently when I needed a bit of cheering up, and I suddenly realised the value of laughter. It's a marvellously exhilarating letting out feeling, to let go. And I recommend it to all of you. However in our profession it can be a disadvantage as for instance it can cause you to hesitate on this show. Or if you're working, as I did for 18 months, in a revue with Kenneth Williams, and he is apt to say the odd obscenity under his breath to you, it is apt to make you uncontrollable and unable to continue with your part. And unfortunately I always continue laughing long after everybody else...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo had the temerity to challenge you.

DN: I'm so sorry, repetition of continue.

NP: Of what?

DN: Continue, I beg your pardon.

NP: What? Of what?

DN: Continue was the word that was repeated.

NP: Yes she did repeat it. What a pity because she was going so well.

DN: And apt she repeated as well.

NP: And she was doing so well after moving us I thought.

DN: Oh terribly... oh let her go on!

SH: I was about to tell a story about you Derek.

DN: Oh were you? Oh I'll withdraw now.

NP: You made your challenge Derek, you're entitled to a point for it, correct challenge and you have 12 seconds left on laughter starting now.

DN: Unfortunately it is very difficult to describe the noise made by this subject because you can't go ha, you have to go hee afterwards. Otherwise it would be repetition. And then sometimes you know, (starts to giggle) when one is standing by a lamppost...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: When one is standing by a lamppost? Hesitation! Or deviation!

NP: Well I think last time, because I couldn't hear him, I had to be harsher. On this occasion I will give him the benefit of the doubt and I won't be harsh and leave the subject with him with two seconds left on laughter Derek starting now.

DN: Throw your great belly back in the seat, and let those great guffaws...

WHISTLE

NP: Well on that occasion Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point and he's now gone into the lead. Peter Jones will you begin the next round please. Postcards, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Oh I love getting them! I had an uncle who used to collect postcards, and when he went on his holidays he sent them from wherever he happened to be, irrespective of where they actually originated from, which was rather confusing. The first joke I ever heard was on a postcard. I remember repeating it when I was about nine. It was a picture of a girl standing near a piano, and a man with a clergyman's collar was playing it, and another person was making an announcement. And the announcement ran "and now..."

BUZZ

PJ: "...Miss Stinger will sing When I am In My Little Bed accompanied by the curate!"

NP: But I'm afraid before you finished your joke, Kenneth challenged you.

PJ: He challenged me? What what what what?

KW: Repetition of a word.

NP: Yes there was, I'm afraid. Do you know what the word was?

KW: I can't remember now!

PJ: He can't remember! It's a foul!

NP: I let him go on because we wanted to hear the joke, but the word was announcement, he did repeat it. And that's when you pressed your buzzer so I know you spotted it. So Kenneth I give you a point and the subject and the subject is postcards and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well it's unfortunate that I should have been given this subject, because I really know nothing about postcards...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You weren't given the subject! You took it!

NP: Yes but after he'd won the challenge, I gave him the subject. I said I'll now give the subject to you. So it's a wrong challenge, so he keeps the subject with another point and there are er 22 seconds left starting now.

KW: Postcards are I think very rude! I think you've got these people...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: They're not necessarily rude darling! It's just your mind!

KW: I'm not talking about what they're depicting! I mean ordinary postcards...

NP: Sheila what is your challenge?

KW: You should put your letter in an envelope!

SH: Deviation!

NP: Why?

KW: That's my argument! I'm not talking about what's written on them!

SH: Postcards aren't rude!

NP: Postcards are rude? Well they're not all rude...

PJ: No, they aren't rude.

SH: No!

NP: Shall I give it to Sheila?

SH: Yes!

PJ: I got a postcard the other day from the Isle of Man with pictures of trams. I defy the most depraved person to find anything rude in that!

NP: Right Sheila, you have a point and you have 17 seconds on postcards starting now.

SH: It is one of the things that you have to do when you go on holiday. You set...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, it isn't one of the things you have to do!

SH: Well you do if you're...

DN: I don't send postcards on holiday!

NP: You don't have to do it but it's a phrase you can use... oh dear, that's one of those impossible decisions. I think I'll put it to the audience. Audience will you cheer if you agree with Derek's challenge and will you boo if you disagree and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I've forgotten who they were booing for now!

SH: Derek!

NP: You were booing for Sheila so...

SH: No, no! They were booing for Derek.

DN: Yes!

NP: Do you want Derek to have it? All right Derek, you've got a point from the audience and...

DN: No I haven't! She's got a point!

NP: Oh! So Sheila's got a point from the audience, there are 14 seconds left with you Sheila starting now.

SH: You can have views of the seaside or the mountains or a town that you're in. Or you can occasionally have the dirty ones or just ones of little fairies or witches...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

SH: Oh!

DN: She hesitated before her fairy!

NP: Yes!

SH: Yes I did.

NP: Derek Nimmo you have a point for a correct challenge and you have one second on postcards...

DN: I once read a postcard of George Bernard Shaw and he...

WHISTLE

NP: Well you probably guessed what happened then! It was neck and neck between Derek and Sheila. Just to let you know that Kenneth finished only just in fourth place behind Peter Jones. No, it was really only just, he had a lot of points there, and Peter had eight points, and he did very very well. Didn't get many in the last half of the show because um Derek got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went to become this week's winner! And with that we do hope that you've enjoyed it and from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.