NOTE: Barry Cryer's last appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Thank you, thank you, hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world. But also my great pleasure to welcome four stars from the great firmament of comedy performers and writers who have joined me to sparkle and shine here tonight. And they are Paul Merton, Graham Norton, Barry Cryer and Clement Freud. Will you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst who's going to help me keep the score and she'll blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. And as usual I'm going to ask our four players of the game to speak if they can on the subject I will give them. And they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is calling from the Radio Theatre in the heart of Broadcasting House which is in the heart of this great metropolis of London. And we have in front of us a great cosmopolitan audience drawn from all quarters of the greater London area and beyond. Welcome to them as they cheer us on our way, hopefully! Hopefully! And we begin the show this week with Graham Norton and who better? Graham the subject is a sore point. Will you talk about a sore point in this game if you can starting now.

GRAHAM NORTON: A sore point is essentially any point that is stuck in you! Ow! Gee that smarts! Golly that hurts! Ouch! These are the sorts of things you might say when attacked by a point that turns out to be saw. Obviously a blunt point wouldn't be as sore as... a point that wasn't...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation?

NP: Yes I think there was hesitation.

GN: Do you?

NP: Yes I do. You can look at me with that hurt look on your face Graham but I have to agree with hesitation. Clement you have a point for a correct challenge, and you take over the subject, a sore point, and 41 seconds are available starting now.

CF: Asore point, like Star point is a little known beauty spot in the West Country. You can...


NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BARRY CRYER: Ah well, I think it's deviation. Asaw is a small coastal town in India. Maybe of the identical name, I don't know. Perhaps you could ask the audience or...

NP: I know...

BC: ... any passing baboon?

NP: I'm not going to risk that, not with this lot. I'm trusting the fact that there is Asore Point in the West Country...

BC: Do you know that for a fact?

NP: No, I don't know that for a fact.

BC: Well, I trust Clement's knowledge.

NP: Well if you trust Clement's knowledge, then Clement has an incorrect challenge...

BC: And I've got him a point, haven't I?

NP: You've got him a point...

BC: Yes.

NP: But you're very generous like that.

BC: I know!

NP: Yes...

BC: I'm a fool to myself!

NP: An incorrect challenge Clement, so you have 34 seconds on a sore point starting now.

CF: A sore point on your body can be almost any place, anywhere which pains you. "Sore," you tell the doctor, and he says "take your clothes off," which you do readily. And sore points tend to make medics look down beneath the belt, because that is the most usual place for a sore point...


NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: I felt he was drawing to a close!

NP: Yes! I think he'd wound down so far that it was almost hesitation. So we give you the benefit of the doubt Barry and we have 12 seconds from you on a sore point starting now.

BC: Asaw is a small coastal town in India with a prominentary sticking out from it known as Asaw Point.... Asaw...


NP: Paul challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Hesitation.

NP: It was hesitation.

BC: Indeed.

NP: You made your point.

BC: Yes.

NP: And you paused.

BC: But I feel sore!

NP: I know! And Paul's got in with four seconds on the subject of a sore point starting now.

PM: Well the doctor said to me, "does it burn at the tip?" I said "I've never tried setting fire to it, to be honest!"


NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Paul Merton, and Paul has now got three points. Clement Freud has two, Barry Cryer has one and Graham who started so magnificently hasn't got any. But that's Just A Minute, isn't it.

GN: Mmmm!

NP: Barry would you take the next round, the subject is punch. Tell us something about punch in this game starting now.

BC: Punch, a historic magazine, now owned by the gentleman who runs Harrods which I would buy if I won the lottery, if it were not for the hassle of trying to get an Egyptian passport! Years ago I did in fact write for the aforementioned... magazine, publication...


BC: Magazine I said twice, I think.

NP: I know, and Graham challenged.

GN: You said it three times now Barry.

NP: Graham you got in, you've got a point for a correct challenge, 43 seconds, you tell us something about punch starting now.

GN: Punch is delicious served at parties. In France, they refer to punch as effont dukoff which means from the back of the cupboard! Yes, any old drink you've ever brought back from holiday will be poured into a bowl...


NP: Paul?

PM: Repetition of back, ah...

NP: Yes...

PM: Brought back, back of the cupboard.

GN: Oh I did that.

BC: Yes, yes.

NP: Paul Merton you have a correct challenge, you have 29 seconds, tell us something about punch starting now.

PM: Henry Cooper was fighting Cassius Clay in 1963, this is before th Mohammad Ali boxer became world champion. And... oh I can't say Henry Cooper again!


NP: Barry challenged.

BC: I think he was flagging a bit there.

NP: He was yes, he lost his gist. Ah...

PM: Oh my gist?

NP: Yes. The flow, you lost your... anyway! Twenty seconds Barry, punch starting now.

BC: Punch had a very famous dining room with a carved dining table and around the walls were...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

BC: And yes there were two dinings.

NP: That's right. And Clement...

BC: I give my own!

NP: Clement, 16 seconds, punch starting now.

CF: I used to write for Punch many years ago. It was a humorous magazine which came out weekly. And the editor was a man called Alan Coren...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I don't know why Alan should make him pause, but he did. And seven seconds for you Paul with a correct challenge on punch starting now.

PM: The Alan Coren that Clement mentioned now appears on Radio Four doing The News Quiz. But as indeed Mister Freud said, he did used to...


NP: Just a minute, Clement challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well I'm not Mister to begin with!


PM: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mrs Freud! I had no idea, I had no idea the operation had come from!

NP: Ah but while you are knighted Clement, it is still possible to...

PM: I thought he was knitted! I'm sorry!

NP: While, it is still possible to spell you, in the show business sense of saying Mister.

CF: No!

NP: You mean none of us may never call you Mister again?

CF: No, Clement is fine!

NP: I don't think he was strictly deviating from Just A Minute or the rules. So Paul, you have another point, half a second starting now.

PM: Knights of the realm...


NP: Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point, and he has got a strong lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud will you take the next round, the subject is the millennium wheel. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: Last week Sir Paul Merton invited me to come on to the millennium wheel which is a splendid erection near the River Thames, sponsored by British Airways. And if you go on the millennium wheel, often enough, you get an upgrade each time you fly to... I would like people to bear that in mind, because it would be sad if the millennium wheel didn't have as many customers as it deserves...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Deviation, I'm not a Sir!

NP: That's a good challenge actually, yeah, that's correct...

CF: Oh that's a better challenge?

NP: Paul, the millennium wheel, 35 seconds starting now.

PM: It goes round and around and around and around...


NP: Clement yes, yes, yes, hoisted on his own petard. Right, 31 seconds, you've got it back Clement, the millennium wheel starting now.

CF: It gyrates and revolves and spins and rotates...


NP: Wait, Graham, you...

GN: It doesn't gyrate!

NP: No...

GN: I've been on it! I don't know what you were doing in it, Clement!

BC: The gyratory system at Hangar Lane in London doesn't judder! Gyratory means going round.

GN: No, the gyratory Hangar system means standing still in a car.

BC: Yes.

GN: Yes.

PM: Although, although strictly speaking you can't stand still in a car.

NP: Yeah but don't let's go into all that...

PM: Unless you've got the roof rack off!

NP: I have decided that Graham has a correct challenge...

BC: But gyrate means to go round! Clement was right!

GN: Well repetition, he said it before!

BC: He was right!

NP: Gyrate, does it mean to go round? Gyrate?


NP: All right Clement, they all seem to agree with you. Twenty-six seconds still available, the millennium wheel starting now.

CF: It circulates in a clockwise direction from left to right if you stand to the south of the Thames, and in the reverse motion, should you be on the north side...


PM: I think we've, I think we've ah worked out which way it turns! Um hesitation!

NP: And I think we've worked out where it is as well...

PM: Yeah yeah.

NP: And he couldn't find other words for Thames. So 11 seconds, the millennium wheel with you Paul starting now.

PM: I've not yet travelled on the millennium wheel but people I speak to say it is a wonderful experience. Probably, my luck, I'll probably go... probably!


NP: Ah Barry, Graham you challenged.

GN: Two probablys.

NP: So Graham at last you got in on the millennium wheel, three seconds starting now.

GN: The millennium wheel is like making love! Fifteen minutes thinking "oh we're nearly there..."


NP: I'm glad you did get in Graham! You spoke as the whistle went, gained that extra point and you're one point behind Clement Freud who is a few points behind Paul Merton who is in the lead. And Barry Cryer, you're pulling up in fourth place. And Paul Merton your turn to begin, telling tales. That's the subject, talk on it starting now.

PM: Once upon a time there lived a little man in the woods. His name was Barnaby Barnaby. And he used...


NP: Graham your light came on first.

GN: Are you trying to trick me?

PM: One word! That was his name! Barnaby Barnaby! One word!

NP: But we work in the realm of sound on radio...

PM: Do we?

NP: Yes! So what we hear is more important than what is written. And what we hear is Barnaby Barnaby, repetition and...

PM: But he's only got one name! That's his name! Barnaby Barnaby!

NP: And in the rules of Just A Minute, that is repetition...

PM: Am I to be penalised because this man has a silly name?

NP: Yes you are penalised, because In Just A Minute, Barnaby Barnaby is repetition. And Graham buzzed first so he's in with 55 seconds on telling tales starting now.

GN: In my brother-in-law's farm, we used to play a game called telling tails. It revolved around a dairy where we put the cows against a wall, and pull their tails out of little holes. And then we'd have to walk along a path and guess which cow was which...


NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

BC: Sorry...

CF: Hadn't we had a cow?

NP: No, we had cows before, and it was cow the second time.

GN: Oh God! All right then!

NP: Right, 39 seconds, Paul, oh sorry Graham on telling tales starting now.

GN: Of all the tales that I've been told, I think my favourite is that of Tier Nenoge, which is the Gaelic expression meaning land of the young. There was a fair maiden who lived upon this small thing surrounded by water and there you remained not old forever. She came to the mainland to see a boy or something, I don't know...


NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Rather dilatory, was there a repetition of old. Was this an old tale you referred to when you started? And then another old came along. And Clement's shaking his head in a very gyratory manner!

NP: And so he's right! Graham...

BC: I apologise Graham.

NP: ... 11 seconds...

GN: Have I still got this?

NP: Yes! Telling tales starting now.

GN: In a library once...


GN: Thank you!

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well if you hadn't argued with Barnaby Barnaby, you wouldn't be in this mess!

NP: So give Paul a bonus point because we enjoyed the comment or the interruption. But Graham gets another point for being interrupted and he keeps on with telling tales and 11 seconds starting now.

GN: Telling tales is a super thing to do in the library on a Saturday afternoon...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: We have had the library before.

NP: Yes.

GN: Have we?

NP: Yes. No, we never had a library...

BC: It's library-library, it's one word!

NP: He was in the cow shed before.

NP: No, we've, and the library.

GN: Actually it might have been the library a second ago, yes.

NP: You were? Right, well done Clement. Seven seconds, telling tales starting now.

CF: Once upon a time in the forest, there was two small girls called Polly and Maisie who followed...


NP: So Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and other points in the round. He's now one point behind Graham Norton who's two points behind Paul Merton who's in the lead. And Barry is bringing up a very strong rear! And...

PM: As if it was his own!

NP: And Graham Norton, we're going to hear from you again, it's your turn!

GN: Oh God! Yes?

NP: And the subject now is the pyramids! Tell us something about the pyramids in Just A Minute starting now.

GN: In Egypt, mummies are kept in the pyramids, whereas in Ireland, they're kept in structures known as the bungalows...


NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Repetition of kept.

NP: Yes, two kepts.

GN: Well listened!

NP: Well listened! Now tell us something about the pyramids and you have 54 seconds starting now.

BC: Howard Carter, the famous archaeologist is always associated with the pyramids, and the sarcophagi therein. And there is a legendary tale of the aforementioned man seeing a bandaged figure coming out, pressing its lips to its bandaged appendages at the end of its arms which he then sang I Saw A Mummy Kissing Sandy Claws! This tale...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.


CF: (can barely speak for laughing) Repetition, repetition...

BC: Oh I'm so ashamed!

NP: I know!

GN: Do you always tell it like that?

NP: But unfortunately you did repeat mummy and Clement got in first, 32 seconds, pyramids Clement starting now.

CF: The Pyramids is a not very well known pop group consisting of seven people who were previously called the Y-Fronts because they gave such enormously reliable support. The Pyramids, if you look at them carefully consist of a violinist, a pianist, an oboe player and a flautist, two chaps on a euphonioum, and then... (starts to laugh)


NP: I think they let you go Clement, because they enjoyed watching you struggle! But I think the act of mercy, Paul challenged. And he's got the pyramids, six seconds starting now.

PM: Mister Barnaby was the man who invented the pyramids, back in the early days of the 18th century...


NP: And Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, acupuncture. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: I know that acupuncture is said to be enormously effective. But I have no great faith in it. I met a man who went to an acupuncturist, and as a consequence, because the acupuncture expert gave his treatment to many people who wanted to stop smoking, this man began to start to smoke! He had 46 cigars on the day after his initial appointment. And thereafter was a tremendous fan of Players, Woodbines, Wills, Captans...


NP: Barry Cryer's challenged.

BC: Just an enquiry. What was the last brand? Drills?

NP: No, it was hesitation.

CF: WD and HO Wills.

BC: On a point of information, was it drills?

CF: Wills!

BC: Oh Wills!

NP: Wills...

BC: Wills whiffs!

NP: That's right. That dates you, that goes right back to pre-war.

BC: Yes! Carbon-dates me, that!

NP: Barry...

BC: Only, only a Camel can satisfy me! Yes Nicholas?

NP: And 26 seconds, acupuncture starting now.

BC: Acupuncture practised by acupuncturists. Do they get pins and needles, I ask myself. I have been completely pierced in my time! And I can vouch for the intricacy... efficacy...


NP: Graham Norton challenged.

BC: Oh, could you hear the F?

GN: Yeah well, but there was a bit of hesitation. Was there a hesitation?

NP: Hesitation...

BC: Not really!

GN: There was a hesitation yes.

NP: He was struggling with efficacy.

GN: Yes.

NP: And you got in Graham with 14 seconds on acupuncture starting now.

GN: I believe acupuncture is very effective. Because no matter what is wrong with you, someone sticking a big needle in you is going to distract you from that pain, ache or disease. You're going to think "actually, whatever is ailing me isn't so bad after all..."


NP: So Graham Norton again speaking as the whistle went and with other points has moved forward. He's now only one point behind our leader Paul Merton, and then comes Clement Freud and Barry Cryer in that order. Graham your turn to begin and the subject, my address book. Tell us something about my address book, I don't mean my personal one. Take the subject, start now.

GN: My address book reads like a veritable "who's that?" of show business! Yes, everyone is listed under N for nobody! I worry sometimes that the famous people I meet never seem to want to become my friend. I worry about it sometimes late at night as I toss and turn...


NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: Were there two sometimeses?

NP: Yes there were. I sometimes worry about it.

BC: Sorry Graham.

GN: That's all right.

NP: All right, no...

GN: I'll not be your friend!

BC: Am I in your book?

NP: Barry's got in with a correct challenge, 43 seconds Barry, my address book starting now.

BC: My address book is a veritable panoply of my life, representing as it does so many people I have met through the years. Lou Amour, what a superb name, a beautiful woman in Cheltenham, anywhere, er... anywhere...


BC: Why did I say anywhere?

NP: Because you thought of Lou Amour...

BC: Yes I did.

NP: And you went, you went.

BC: I hope she's listening, if she's listening...

GN: Did she write Western novels?

NP: Right, you pressed first Paul, hesitation, 29 seconds, my address book starting now.

PM: I don't really have an address book because I haven't got any friends and so it's very sad...

NP: Ohhhhhh!

PM: Is there anybody here who would like...


NP: Barry Cryer challenged.

BC: So Paul can't talk about my address book, can he?

NP: He can if he wants to.

BC: He hasn't got one.

NP: He can own a book but have no friends in it.

BC: He said he hasn't got an address book, so he can't talk about my address book.

PM: Am I to be penalised for my lack of address book?

BC: In this programme, yes! He hasn't got one, Nicholas!

NP: I know but he's taken the subject of my address book and he's trying to talk on it. I mean logically I don't think I could take him away from it Barry. Much as I'd love to give it to you.

BC: All right.

GN: Give it to him later!

BC: It's all right!

NP: Paul...

BC: We'll make it up!

NP: Right!

BC: As do you Nicholas!

NP: Right! So technically you were correct Paul and you have the benefit of the doubt, 23 seconds, my address book starting now.

PM: My address book happens to have 500 pages in it. It's called The A To Z London Telephone Directory, and it's wonderful to know that all my chums and acquaintances are listed in alphabetical order. There's nothing I like better to do...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Lots of them are ex-directory.

NP: They may be ex-directory, but he can still say that a lot of his friends are in that...

CF: All my chums, he said!

NP: All right, all my chums.

BC: Yes!

NP: Right...

PM: But none of my chums are ex-directory apart from Barnaby Barnaby and I don't, I don't speak to him as much as I used to!

NP: No you're right, he did say all my chums, so well listened Clement. Ten seconds, my address book starting now.

CF: I'm possibly the last person who has an address book without post codes, London W1 H14...


NP: So Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and other points in the round. He's now equal with Graham Norton, and Paul Merton is still just ahead of them. And Clement, it's your turn to begin, the subject, Brussels. Tell us something about Brussels in this game starting now.

CF: It's very important if you have a lisp, not to go to a travel agent and ask for Brothels! Because you are acutely misunderstood! Brussels is the capital of Belgium, a small country which has been at it for a very long time. Oddly enough all sorts of conferences seem to take place there. United Nations. There was once in a building of the European Parliament a hyena who ate every other day an official who worked for...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Drugs!

NP: Yes so what's the challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: It's deviation, this is just deviation, isn't it.

NP: What?

PM: There's not a hyena eating an official every other day. We would have heard about it by now surely!

NP: I'm sure you're right. If there'd been a hyena eating every day in the European Parliament in Brussels, we would have heard about it by now. Paul you have a correct challenge, and you have 24 seconds, Brussels starting now.

PM: I keep a hyena in the attic, and I feed it with brussel sprouts every other Wednesday, which isn't very good, because ideally they should be eating every day. It's a curious creature, the brussel sprout, because it's one of those funny looking...


NP: Graham challenged.

GN: It's not a creature really, is it, the brussel sprout.

NP: No it isn't.

PM: It's a creation of God!

GN: Yes...

NP: Deviation...

GN: Oooohh no, no, it's not, Paul! It's not a creature at all.

NP: It's a vegetable.

GN: Nothing like one!

NP: Graham, 12 seconds, tell us something about Brussels starting now.

GN: Brussels is a very depressing dreary place. I would rather shoot myself than go there! I don't intend to get a free ticket from Eurostar for this big plug I'm giving that horrible city now! Oh it smells...


NP: So a keen contest in points but the honours in humour are pretty evenly divided. As we go into the last round, you might be interested to know that Graham Norton is trailing Paul Merton by one point, and a few points behind him is Clement Freud and a few points behind is Barry Cryer. And Paul it's your turn to begin, and the subject is water under the bridge and you start now.

PM: It's a very necessary ingredient for the game of Poohsticks. The rules are simple, you drop your stick into the water and then run to the other side of the bridge to see who's come out first, whether you or your opponent. Simon and Garfunkel had a marvellous hit record in 1969 I believe. It was written by Paul S...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Sorry, I thought he'd said Paul before.

NP: Yes it did sound like it, no, no, Simon and Garfunkel.

CF: Big mistake!

NP: Not much like Paul, but it doesn't matter! Forty seconds, water under the bridge, still with you Paul starting now.

PM: Well it's got to go somewhere I suppose. So you stick a bridge over a bit of water and there you are...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of stick.

NP: Yes!

PM: Oh!

NP: Yes indeed, well listened Clement. Thirty-six seconds, water under the bridge starting now.

CF: Water under the bridge is absolutely okay. What you have to worry about is water over the bridge. It's called a flood!


NP: Barry, Barry you challenged.

BC: The flood dried up rather, rather quickly!

NP: Twenty-six seconds Barry, with you, water under the bridge starting now.

BC: The only time I've visited Brussels, I stayed in a hotel where the concierge looked rather like an ugly Khrushchev. And when I went up to my room, I plugged in my electric razor and all the lifts stopped...


NP: Barry you've challenged, you've challenged yourself!

BC: Did I press my button?

NP: You challenged, yes...

BC: I was boring myself to tears!


NP: I know you were! Because you were talking on the wrong subject!

BC: Oh?


NP: This is...

BC: You see the effect it's had on me!

NP: This is how this game gets people after a time! You very cleverly challenged yourself...

BC: Yes! I knew there was something wrong! I had that feeling!

NP: So what is your challenge? Deviation?

BC: Ah deviation...

NP: Yes well that is a correct challenge...

BC: From the whole programme!

NP: That is a correct challenge Barry!

BC: Yes!

NP: Well listened to yourself!

BC: Yes!

NP: So that's a correct challenge, I have to give you a point for a correct challenge. And say that...

BC: My ploy has worked!

NP: Yes! And you keep the subject...

BC: What was the subject? It seems so long ago now!

NP: The subject was water under the bridge.

BC: Ahhhh!

NP: Yes and there are 14 seconds left starting now.

BC: A charming older lady went into a music shop in the West Country and asked for the record of Trouble Over Bridgewater. The assistant disabused her of this notion and informed her it was in fact a hit by Simon and Garfunkel which he then...


NP: So Barry Cryer then speaking as the whistle went brought this game to an end with a magnificent flourish. And er great panache and style and finished in a very strong fourth place.


NP: I've never heard anybody finish in fourth place and get a bigger cheer than that! But it was a strong finish because Barry it is your contribution which we enjoyed. And in a very good third place was Clement Freud. And in a very very very admirable second place was Graham Norton. And in a fine first place, only two points ahead of Graham was Paul Merton, so we say Paul you are the winner this week! Thank you very much! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Barry Cryer, Graham Norton. I thank Janet Staplehurst for helping me with the score and blowing her whistle so delicately. And also we thank Claire Jones who, our producer and director, and has to make sense of all the things we do. And we're indebted to Ian Messiter who created this magnificent game. And we're indebted to our audience who have come in off the streets of London just to cheer us on our way. They've been warm, they've been passionate and we've loved them dearly. So from our lovely passionate audience, from our passionate panel, and from your passionate chairman Nicholas Parsons, good-bye. Tune in the next time we play Just A Minute. Until then good-bye!