WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring TONY HAWKS, WENDY RICHARD, BARRY CRYER and STEVE FROST, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 10 May 1999)
NOTE: Barry Cryer's last television appearance, Steve Frost's last television appearance, Nicholas Parsons's 550th appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And once again it is my pleasure to welcome you to Just A Minute, the exciting outrageous and sometimes impossible game in which I ask my four guests to speak on a subject I will give them without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. And let us right away meet the four guests who are going to play the game today. And we welcome first the multitalented Tony Hawks. Beside him that most talented comedy writer Barry Cryer. And on my left the ever-popular Wendy Richard. And beside her the delightful stand-up comedian Stephen Frost. Please welcome all four of them! They're going to pit their wits and their verbal dexterity against each other and try and score points. And today we're going to begin the show with Tony Hawks. And the subject is garden gnomes. Oh that's got a little ripple from the audience! We would like to hear about garden gnomes. Tell us something about them in this game Tony starting now.
TONY HAWKS: In these days of Cool Britannia, it's most important for you to have the right image. And I can't think of a better way of doing this than having a garden gnome in your front garden. Personally I have over 150 and I know them all by name and I have a little chat with them in the morning...
NP: Barry Cryer you've challenged.
BARRY CRYER: Name them!
NP: Well Barry Cryer that wasn't a challenge within the rules of Just A Minute. But as we enjoyed the comment we give you a bonus point for that. But as Tony Hawks was interrupted he keeps the subject and he gets a point for being challenged and he continues with 45 seconds available still on garden gnomes starting now.
TH: I am always very amused by how mortified David Bowie was by the fact that one of his hits was called The Laughing Gnome. And during the 70s and 80s he was trying so hard to be trendy and popular...
NP: And Wendy...
WENDY RICHARD: Hesitation.
NP: Yes we interpret that as hesitation. Wendy you have a correct challenge so you get a point for that, you take over the subject and there are 32 seconds available, garden gnomes, starting now.
WR: I only have one garden gnome at the rear of the house. Then there are garden frogs and there's... stone frogs...
NP: Stephen Frost you challenged.
STEVE FROST: A bit of hesitation there.
NP: There was hesitation.
WR: I was getting the mental picture, you see, of those frogs.
NP: You can repeat the subject on the card, either collectively or independently if it is more than one word. But Stephen it was hesitation so you have a challenge which is correct, you get a point for that, and you have 23 seconds available, garden gnomes starting now.
SF: You can get ones that look like they're fishing, playing tennis, snooker and even badminton nowadays. These are what we call modern garden gnomes. Back when they were first invented by a Norwegian, I might add, they all... (bursts into giggles)
NP: Wendy you challenged.
WR: Well apart from that, well he did, he hesitated, you were talking twaddle!
NP: He realised that he was talking twaddle and that's why he paused. Wendy you have a correct challenge, Wendy gets a point for that and she takes over the subject, eight seconds are available, garden gnomes starting now.
WR: I also have a garden gnome on one of the shelves in my bathroom. A fan sent it to me from Canada when he heard me...
NP: Tony you challenged.
TH: That's a bathroom gnome!
WR: No it wasn't, the shelves are bathroom shelves, this is a garden gnome.
NP: Wendy don't worry, I disagree with the challenge. I like the idea of the challenge so I'm going to give you a bonus point.
TH: Thank you Nicholas.
NP: So Wendy, garden gnomes is, and you have got the subject still, only two seconds to go starting now.
WR: A fan sent me from Canada after I'd discussed this subject on this programme...
NP: When that whistle is blown, it tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. It was of course Wendy Richard so she's taken a strong lead at the end of the round. And who takes the next round? Barry Cryer, let's hear from you, slang. Tell us something about the subject of slang in this game starting now.
BC: Slang is an argot, a patois, a vernacular. Rhyming slang is a very common idiom. I once heard a man described as an all's-quiet-on-the-western! I will not go into this any deeper! But the essence of the euphony of this sort of language. Years ago some fellow said to me, "I came here on the sucker". "What do you mean," I cried. "The Tube," he said, "suck a jube!" I've repeated sucker...
NP: Sometimes if you keep going Barry, they don't notice it or they enjoy what you're doing, and let you go with kindness.
BC: Yes, they wouldn't give a sucker an even break!
NP: But Tony Hawks challenged first so yes, it was a repetition, and so you have the subject of slang Tony, 41 seconds available starting now.
TH: Yes as Barry said, you can sometimes get in a London taxi and that driver will go on and in other ways...
NP: Oh it's a tough game, yes!
SF: Hesitation there.
NP: You got in first yes, slang is with you, 24 seconds starting now.
SF: Well as we all know, slang is Norwegian for bell. Then you are a...
BC: Slang is... slang is not Norwegian for bell.
NP: I quite agree.
BC: I challenge Stephen Frost.
NP: Absolutely and I agree with that, deviation. He can't prove it, and it's with you Barry Cryer, 20, 19 seconds available starting now.
BC: The same gentleman I alluded to earlier...
NP: Ah Wendy, no, Stephen?
SF: Gentleman, that's the second gentleman he said.
NP: Yes you talked about...
BC: Did I say gentleman before?
NP: Stephen you've got the subject back, another point to you, and 15 and a half seconds, slang starting now.
SF: My favourite slang word is, and I'm going to tell it to you right now, because I've loved it ever since I could use the English language to express myself. Here it is, the one that makes me laugh, and will probably tickle your ribs as well, is of course, that old favourite that everybody...
NP: Stephen Frost kept going till the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so and he never actually gave us any slang and nobody challenged him! Wendy Richard, we've got a subject here, we want you to talk about smelly cheeses. Sixty seconds starting now.
WR: I love cheese and are fortunate enough to have low cholesterol which means I can eat as many smelly cheeses as I like. In fact I enjoy best the goat's cheese which is a smelly cheese. And there's other... Italian...
NP: I'm afraid so.
BC: She hesitated.
NP: She started thinking, yes, cheese got up get nostrils and she absolutely faded away. Right there are 47 seconds available for you to tell us something about smelly cheeses starting now.
BC: Gorgonzola, the brother of Emile, the renowned novelist, is my favourite, and I've hesitated already...
SF: I'm going to take it!
NP: I think you actually waited for a laugh which didn't come as strong as it is...
BC: No, no, no, I was peaking too early! Sorry, Beijing too early!
NP: Stephen it was a correct challenge, another point to you and 39 seconds, smelly cheeses starting now.
SF: As we all know, smelly cheeses is slang for I've got the sneezes, the one I was trying to talk about before I ran out of time. My favourite smelly cheese is Camembert which of course comes from Fraaaaaaance...
NP: Wendy you challenged.
NP: Yes I think when you draw a word out as long as that, aaaaaaaaahhh, I think that is hesitation. No-one's ever elongated a word as long as that in the whole history of Just A Minute as Stephen did just then. And he deserves to lose it, I'm sorry! Wendy I agree with your challenge and you have smelly cheeses back, 26 seconds starting now.
WR: Smelly cheeses are usually of the soft variety. There are hard smelly cheese but sift smelly cheeses...
WR: Oh! (bursts into laughter)
TH: I think there was a repetition of soft.
NP: Yes there was.
TH: Amongst other things!
NP: Amongst other things, yes. Soft smelly cheeses, yes. Wendy's gone! Isn't it lovely to see Wendy go like that! Tony... oh I hit myself!
BC: You show taste!
NP: I know, right! Tony you had a correct challenge so you take over the subject of smelly cheeses and there are 18 seconds available starting now.
TH: I have several pairs of socks which I have cultivated according to the smell of various cheeses. Gorgonzola is just one, there are many others...
BC: I don't want to hear any more of this!
NP: I don't think the viewers do either!
NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?
BC: Deviation from taste! We don't want to hear about his socks!
NP: Actually that's quite a good challenge isn't it really, but it wasn't in great taste was it.
BC: Well it's your verdict Nicholas.
NP: I know it is.
BC: It's your career!
NP: Bad taste, deviation, eight seconds, smelly cheeses starting now.
BC: I was in a hotel some years ago in this very city of Birmingham. And I detected an odour emanating under my door jam. "What is that?" I cried, and a man come...
NP: Barry Cryer was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and it's a very interesting situation. They're all almost equal, they've all got five points apiece. Except for Tony Hawks who's only got four. It's only one difference, and what difference do the points make? It's the talent that's displayed which I love. Right the next subject is chat shows, it's Stephen Frost's turn to begin, Stephen tell us something about chat shows starting now.
SF: I have never been on a chat show in my life. Not been invited, not been interested enough...
NP: And Wendy's challenged.
WR: Not been.
NP: Not been, not been. Such a sad life you've had, isn't it! Not been in. Wendy got in with 55 seconds, so she's got 55 to continue, chat shows, another point of course, carry on Wendy, now.
WR: There are very few good chat show hosts. I myself was actually the first ever guest on Wogan's chat show. I have also been on other people's chat shows. But as I said, they are not always as good as some of the others. I think Michael Parkinson is one of the best...
NP: Stephen you challenged.
SF: I can't believe you were invited on if you talk like that!
NP: So Stephen within the rules of Just A Minute, what's your challenge?
SF: Ah, ah, um, repetition.
NP: Of what?
SF: I can hear her breathing!
WR: At least I haven't talked as much twaddle as what he has on this programme!
NP: Wendy I disagree with the challenge, you keep the subject, another point to you, chat shows is still with you, 35 seconds starting now.
WR: I actually would like to have a chat show of my own one day. Because I'm a very good listener and I think I would be the ideal chat show host...
NP: Who has challenged?
BC: Repetition of host.
BC: I think from earlier.
NP: You said host earlier.
WR: Oh have I?
NP: You got in with a correct challenge, you've got chat show, 30 seconds starting now.
BC: Chat show is the only known expression which rhymes with macho! And there is a long lineage of these talk programmes. I remember a story of Peter Sellers in America many years ago, er conversing...
BC: I don't remember it well enough!
NP: No well you've got to remember it but you couldn't get it out fluently within the rules of Just A Minute. So Tony got in first with a challenge, I think hesitation, chat shows with you Tony, 19 seconds starting now.
TH: I think it's appalling that people only go on chat shows when they've got something to sell. Going on saying something like I wrote a book, Round Ireland With A Fridge...
NP: And Barry challenged.
BC: Repetition of something.
NP: Right. There are 13 seconds available, chat shows Barry, starting now.
BC: Peter Sellers some years ago...
NP: Yes that's a challenge, what...
BC: Repetition of Peter Sellers. Oh!
NP: Yes, if you've said it before, you can't repeat it even when you get the subject back. Stephen another point to you, and the subject and 11 seconds, chat shows starting now.
SF: I think the best chat show host would of course be Mister Nicholas Parsons himself. That's the...
NP: What, someone disagrees?
WR: I want to challenge him for being totally and utterly ridiculous! I mean how can you say something like that?
SF: Sorry Wendy.
NP: Why? You don't think I'd be a good chat show host?
WR: That is a totally and utter... worse than what do we do on this show? Derivation.
SF: Derivation, yes, demolition.
WR: Worse than that!
NP: So what is your challenge?
WR: He's talking rubbish again!
NP: That I wouldn't be a good chat show host?
WR: Look, let's not get personal about this! I am just saying that he... all right, let it go! I still think he was talking rubbish.
NP: Well you challenged, my love. You've got to...
WR: Yes because I think he was talking rubbish!
NP: Right, all right Wendy, I'm going to disagree actually and leave it with Stephen and say that you have five seconds on chat shows Stephen starting now.
SF: I would love to be the first guest on this particular piece of television with my friend here presenting it, because we would talk...
NP: Stephen Frost speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and they're all vert close. Only one point separates all of them in different orders of upward Tony Hawks, Barry Cryer... equal with Wendy Richard...
NP: Tony Hawks! Oh Stephen's just in the lead. He's one point ahead of the others.
SF: I take back what I said about you making a good chat show host! You just failed the audition Nicholas!
NP: No I, chat shows are a different discipline.
NP: This is a game show where I generate humour and comedy, that's my job.
TH: Well, you're doing a very good job. Now generate the next round!
NP: All right, here's a good subject for you Tony Hawks, because it's your turn to begin. Lou.
TH: Lou as well as being a place, I believe, in the west country, is also slang for toilet. And the Americans call it john. And if you go over there, in a very trendy place, they'll have Olivia Newton for the ladies, and Elton for the gents, which I think is hilarious and rather sweet when I saw it there. I've never been to the place...
BC: Repetition of there.
NP: There, oh that's a tough challenge, isn't it.
BC: It's cruel, wasn't it.
NP: No it wasn't cruel, but it was within the rules of Just A Minute so we give it to you. You have a correct challenge, you have 44 seconds on Lou starting now.
BC: Lou in Cornwall is the very place in which my wife and I spent our honeymoon, 37 years ago...
NP: You've been challenged by Tony.
TH: I refuse to believe it could be that long Barry!
BC: Oh toss!
TH: Look at you! A young fresh-faced little pup that you are!
BC: And your eyesight's going!
TH: I know but that's because I haven't had a honeymoon!
NP: I'm afraid I can&'t give you any points for syncophancy... syco...
NP: For sycophancy, sycophancy yes, well there we have it.
SF: Sick in his panties? What's going on here?
BC: Making fun of his friend!
NP: So an incorrect challenge, Barry, you've still got the subject, lou is with you and there are 38 seconds starting now.
BC: I remember we went to see Sick The Bismarck, or was it Sink The Bismarck when we entered...
CRIES OF "OHHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: What do you mean ohhh?
BC: For the sake of a cheap shot at Nicholas.
NP: I know, it didn't quite come off, did it?
BC: You see, there is justice.
NP: Is there?
NP: Sycophancy, right, there are um 33 seconds available for Lou with you Stephen starting now.
SF: As a child I holidayed in Lou in Cornwall. We played on the beach, went sailing at night, and also went to the fish and chip shop which sold the best... croissants...
NP: Wendy yes?
WR: I think there was going to be a slight hesitation.
TH: Why did you go sailing at night?
BC: Yeah I wondered that.
NP: I thought...
WR: Go night fishing!
TH: Yeah, I just wondered why as a child they...
NP: No, no, you can't sail then, I would have had him for deviation.
NP: You could have had him for deviation because you can't sail at night.
BC: Catching starfish!
GROAN FROM THE AUDIENCE
BC: What a sad man I am!
NP: It got the groan it deserved! It was fun! Right Wendy you have the subject of Lou, you have 24 seconds starting now.
WR: Well loo is a slang word for toilet. And what really annoys me is that when one goes to the theatre, there are never enough ladies' loos. It's all right for the gents because they just stand up against a wall. But ladies have all this...
WR: Oh, two ladies!
TH: Well I don't, I go to the toilet! I don't just stand up against the wall in the theatre. It wouldn't go down very well, would it.
SF: Well it would go down!
TH: But ah, I think the repetition of ladies...
NP: Yes I think the image you created of the gents standing up against a wall... I think we'd better go back to Just A Minute before this goes any further down that particular path. Tony Hawks, a correct challenge, loo is with you, 10 seconds available starting now.
TH: Lou is a beautiful girl. I used to take her red roses, walk in the country with her. And what a romantic time we had. Actually in that place Lou in the west country which I said earlier but no-one...
BC: Repetition of country.
NP: West country, yes, right. Barry you got in with half a second to go... well it's shrewd isn't it! And you have the subject of Lou starting now.
BC: Lou is the headquarters of the...
NP: So Barry Cryer not only get that, got that point for speaking as the whistle went, but with many other points in the round he has moved forward and he's now in the lead. Just ahead of er Stephen Frost, Wendy Richard and Tony Hawks in that order. All right, Barry...
NP: Go for your points, you're in the lead. It's your turn to begin, the subject, oh a lovely one, the dentist's chair.
BC: The very apprehensive, terrified patient lolls back in the dentist's chair, suddenly leaned forward and grabbed a very vulnerable part of the aforementioned medical practitioner's anatomy. "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?" he said, which I was always thought was the perfect ploy. Only last year I suffered from a large abscess which I can assure you does not make the heart grow fonder. And visited the aforementioned poet of the dental art to see if he could alleviate my pain. And I wish I was in that chair now because I would be feeling less of the aforementioned agony...
NP: Oh yes, so you've challenged Tony?
TH: I think there were three aforementioneds.
NP: There was yes, he had four mentions yes.
NP: Right, repetition of afore as well as other words.
BC: I'm grateful!
NP: No, you did well, we were in the dentist's chair with you.
BC: I wanted anaesthetic for that bit!
NP: Tony you have a correct challenge, you have v24 seconds, you tell us something about the dentist's chair starting now.
TH: What I've never understood about dentists is why they talk to you when they've got your mouth wedged wide open. They say "where did you go on holiday this year?" and you say "ahhhhhh" or they say "Lou, very nice..."
WR: They say twice.
NP: They say yes, you could have had him for ahhhhh too, couldn't you.
BC: Repetition of ahhhh.
NP: Yes absolutely. But Wendy it was correct, you have 13 seconds, you tell us something about the dentist's chair starting now.
WR: I am absolutely terrified of dentist's chairs. I will be quite honest. I have a broad yellow stripe down my back. But as I don't want to...
SF: She hasn't!
NP: She was talking metaphorically Stephen.
SF: Is that a Greek language?
WR: No, it's Norwegian!
NP: So Wendy you have another point, you keep the subject, five seconds, the dentist's chair starting now.
WR: And although I don't care for visiting the dentist's chair, I know I must go because I don't want my teeth to fall out...
NP: So Wendy Richard speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and she has leapt forward with other points in that round and she is now equal with Barry Cryer in the lead, just ahead of Stephen Frost and Tony Hawks in that order. And Wendy it's your turn to begin. Here's a good subject, hiccups. Tell us something about them in this game starting now.
WR: Hiccups can be most uncomfortable. Unfortunately I at times suffer from hiccups but my Cairn terrier Shirley Brahms...
WR: ...when she was a puppy, she used to get hiccups...
BC: Oh yes...
SF: Two shes.
NP: Two shes yes.
SF: Plus I am sick and tired of listening about that dog!
WR: People love it!
WR: You're obviously not an animal lover are you?
WR: No, well lots of other people are
SF: I'm a lover like an animal!
WR: Oh really?
NP: Yes we...
BC: Do dogs have hiccups?
BC: Do they?
NP: Hiccups is with you Stephen and there are about 50 seconds available starting now.
SF: The best way to cure hiccups of course is to drink a glass of water upside down which is very difficult to do because you spill it all...
BC: It's deviation from accuracy. You don't, you can't drink it upside down, the water would fall out! You drink it from the other side like that!
SF: Yeah but then all the water would fall out.
BC: No, you've still got the water.
SF: No, look awaaurgh waurgh wah!
SF DEMONSTRATES TRYING TO SPEAK WHILE DRINKING WATER
BC: I mean...
SF: Awaurgh waurgh wah!
NP: Steve you...
BC: You tell me how you can drink from a glass like that!
BC HOLDS GLASS UPSIDE DOWN
SF: Oh well!
NP: I think we've had enough on this! Right, you were, he was deviating in the sense that you can't drink from a glass upside down. That is devious so you have a correct challenge Barry and you take over the subject of hiccups and there are 43 seconds available starting now.
BC: Other cures are a key down your back, a sudden shock or alarm, a friend shouting "fire", that will always cure hiccups. I have tested this to my own satisfaction...
NP: Stephen has challenged.
BC: He's just bitter! He's just bitter!
SF: I'm just amazed how close you came there to... cure, there were two cures there. And another cure...
BC: I like to pass on the information, I don't care. It's the game that matters, not the points!
NP: Thirty-two seconds for you Stephen, hiccups starting now.
SF: There was a man who had the hiccups for 72 years and he died in this...
NP: Wendy yes.
WR: Think we had a bit of a hesitation there.
NP: Twenty-seven seconds for you on hiccups starting now.
WR: I ah...
NP: I'm afraid there was Wendy. Two full seconds you paused with no sound emanated from your delightful lips. So Stephen, correct challenge, 25 seconds with you starting now.
SF: (makes hiccuping noise) is one one! (bursts into laughter)
BC: I couldn't spot it then, but there was something there, wasn't there!
NP: That was a definite hesitation which you deserved after that demonstration.
SF: Yeah sorry.
WR: And a repetition!
NP: And a repetition yes.
SF: That's two for the price of one!
NP: Yes but it's repetition of words and not ideas. So Wendy correct challenge and there are 22 seconds available still on hiccups starting now.
WR: Unfortunately when I start hiccupping I find it very difficult to stop. And even a cold key down my back, or someone shouting "boo" put a (bursts into giggles)...
NP: Tony yes?
TH: Well she's made herself laugh so much, she can't carry on!
NP: I know, it's...
TH: I think the thought of someone saying "boo" was what did it. Boo!
NP: She's gone!
BC: I've got the hiccups now!
NP: It's that sort of show. Tony a correct challenge, hiccups with you, 11 seconds available starting now.
TH: I was once going to take Wendy Richard's delightful dog for a walk but I couldn't because it had such bad hiccups it didn't want to go. I was mortified! I'd so looked forward to taking this little canine creature out that I was...
NP: Ah Barry?
BC: Repetition of taking.
NP: Yeah, correct challenge. Barry this is the second time you've done it in this show. You've got in with half a second to go, and it's hiccups starting now.
BC: A much vaunted remedy...
NP: So Barry's playing the game with great aplomb. He's getting many points including that last one for speaking as the whistle went. And he has moved forward. No, he's both moved forward and so has Wendy, she's got a lot of points on hiccups. In fact they've all got quite a lot of points, but it is Barry Cryer, Wendy Richard, Stephen Frost and Tony Hawks in that order, for those who are interested and I know some are deeply involved. Right let's carry on with the show. Stephen Frost, oh it's making me laugh this subject, lumpy custard! Tell us something about lumpy custard in Just A Minute starting now.
SF: Do you know I prefer lumpy custard to the smooth kind? You can get your teeth into it and suck it through, down your gums, into your throat. And it makes me feel so good that I have second helpings of lumpy custard. When I was...
NP: Who's challenged?
WR: He had a hesitation there.
NP: No, I don't think there was any hesitation, I thought it was disgusting but there was no hesitation. The audience, I mean, have you ever heard an audience go eurgh before? No, I don't think so. Unfortunately we're going to hear more from you about lumpy custard Stephen...
WR: Right, I apologise.
NP: Another point, lumpy custard and there are 47 seconds available starting now.
SF: Not only do I not mind it lumpy, I prefer it cold as well. This way keeps me young, beautiful and healthy and the person I am today. If it were not for lumpy custard smeared all over my body every morning, my skin would be as rough as rats. But as you can tee... see...
BC: As you can what?
NP: As you can tee! Oh dear! Well may you dry on that! Wendy you've got in first, yes, hesitation and there are 29 seconds. And this is going to be the last round, it's very close. So let's, for those who are interested in points, go keenly forward, 29 seconds, lumpy custard with you Wendy starting now.
WR: I think lumpy custard is one of the most revolting things that could ever be served up to you. When you're standing either in the school canteen or at the works eating place and you see them pick up this big jug and all this lumpy custard just goes blup blup out...
NP: Tony you got in on the blups first.
TH: Yeah repetition of blup.
TH: I've always wanted to say that!
NP: Well have you? You've said it now, did it make you feel better?
TH: Repetition of blup yes.
NP: Right. Fourteen seconds, do tell us something about lumpy custard starting now.
TH: Like Stephen, as a small child I used to enjoy lumpy custard. It's something strange about it but it's texture pleased me in some way. And Mrs Fincham, the mother of one of my friends at school was particularly good at making this kind of custard. And I'd rush round to his house at 4.35 after school...
NP: So Tony Hawks' lumpy custard brings that round to a finish, giving him an extra point and also brings the show to an end. And what a fitting end because they've all contributed so much and they're almost equal. But in second place Stephen Frost and Tony Hawks were only two points behind joint winners which were Barry Cryer and Wendy Richard, together equal! So congratulations to them. It only remains to say thank you to our four intrepid players of the game, that is Tony Hawks, Barry Cryer, Wendy Richard, Stephen Frost. From them, and from me, Nicholas Parsons, hope you've enjoyed the show and will tune in again when we start to play Just A Minute. From them, from all of us, good-bye.