JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,BTook
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and BARRY TOOK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 November 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Barry Took in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again we're delighted to welcome back to do battle with our three regular contestants Barry Took. And just to remind you all, I'm going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me if they can do so. And we begin the show this week with Clement Freud, a nice subject for you Clement, pate. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Pate is what builders use to affect (unintelligible) into window frames. And if they use vavoline the whole thing is totally pointless because it falls out. Pronounced differently like pa-tay which often has a circumflex over the A and an accent a gue alongside the E, it is a mass of meat often held together with egg, flavoured with onion, and as often as not herbaceously...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of often.

NP: Yes.

BARRY TOOK: I was copying it all down, I was!

NP: Yes! I was going to rush home and make it.

CF: Never mind, it wasn't going to be very good!

NP: Um ah Derek I agree with your challenge...

PETER JONES: It was quite interesting up to that, but it was flagging a bit, I thought!

DN: Yes I thought it was flagging a bit.

NP: Well it was a good thing you challenged wasn’t it.

DN: Yes.

NP: So let's let Derek have a go now, and Derek you get a point for a correct challenge and there are 31 seconds on pate or pa-tay starting now.

DN: I was standing in Glen Iris which is in Melbourne, in the state of Victoria, in Australia, when this man came up to me and said (in Australian accent) "hello Derek, would you like to see my little Pattie? She's a lovely sheila." (normal voice) And I said "that's a very odd thing to say, how can your pate be a lady of that name?" He said (in Australian accent) "no, you don't quite understand me, Mister Nimmo." (normal voice) He was a lot more polite by this time. He said (Australian accent) "I have this dear little Pattie, I want you to come back to my house and have a tube of Fosters with me and some nice snipe.." (normal voice) I said nice snipe...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Repetition so Clement with two seconds to go you have pate once again starting now.

CF: Black or white peppercorn...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud who of course has the lead as a result of the end of that round. Peter Jones, will you take the second round and the subject is my secret method. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well of course the more people I tell about it, the less secret it will be. So I'm not really going to divulge very much. Except that I have been using it for many many years...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in first again. I have to know what your challenge is Clement.

CF: Um many many.

NP: I know but we just want to be sure. I agree with your challenge Clement, you have 44 seconds on my secret method starting now.

CF: My secret method is to get half a pound of minced pork, six ounces of fresh ground veal and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, it's not secret because he revealed it in the last question.

NP: No he didn't actually say that. He just gave some of the ingredients in a pate.

DN: Well it's no longer secret then, is it?

NP: No, he's about...

DN: He's already told us!

NP: ... to give his secret method of pate as I understood it. I don't think it was a justified challenge. A very good attempt, but I'm not going to grant it, no. Clement you have a point for an incorrect challenge and you continue with 37 seconds on my secret method starting now.

CF: To which I pour a nameless ingredient, place it in an oven of indeterminate temperature, and bake it for a period of time which I'm not prepared to divulge. Many of my best friends consider it the finest meal they have ever eaten, because vegetables, fish, rice, fruit as well as condiments and spices and a hint of sulphuric acid... The oven...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of oven. And a hesitation.

NP: Yes well you can't have them both, you can't have two points. There was a hesitation after sulphuric acid and who wouldn't? But I agree with your first challenge anyway Derek so you have four seconds for my secret method starting now.

DN: My secret method is to keep the bum on my buzzer...

BUZZ

DN: I messed it up! It's my thumb on the buzzer! Not me bum on my fuzzer! I'm so sorry!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All I can say...

DN: My mummy's listening! Can I please apologise?

NP: All I can say that in Just A Minute, sometimes you get these little slips and the truth comes out! And Barry Took, I'm delighted to say challenged. And so Barry, what was the challenge?

BT: I've forgotten in the welter of apology!

NP: Hesitation?

BT: Hesitation I would have thought!

NP: Deviation, yes...

BT: Deviation and...

NP: Everything except repetition! But considering what he was talking about, it wasn't very far behind. Barry you have a point for a correct challenge and you have two seconds left on my secret method starting now.

BT: My secret method is silence!

WHISTLE

NP: Barry Took was then speaking as the whistle went and gained the extra point. He's moved into second place alongside Derek Nimmo. And Clement Freud is still in the lead. And Peter Jones is trailing. Barry would you begin the next round please. The subject, making the most of it. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

BT: When I first appeared on this programme, I was intensely delighted by it. And I thought I shall be making the most of it as a broadcaster. I know that was a fairly literate thing to say, but I felt deeply and passionately that this was my great moment in broadcasting. Many years ago I sat on this humble stage...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of broadcasting.

NP: Yes.

DN: No, broadcaster and broadcasting.

NP: He said broadcast and broadcasting.

PJ: Did he?

NP: Oh yes he did.

BT: Yes!

NP: So he has a point for an incorrect challenge...

BT: Yes!

NP: Forty-one seconds left on making the most of it Barry starting now.

BT: Once...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Oh you rotten thing! Barry Took has another point because he hasn't been with us as long as you and there are 39 seconds for making the most of it starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Ah! Derek Nimmo's challenged.

DN: Well hesitation and he's been here a bit longer now!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Not only that but his hesitation was a bit longer too! Only trouble is it's not fair to Clement Freud if I give you a point for that so...

DN: I don't mind you upsetting Clement Freud! It's got nothing to me! I can't think of anything better in my life!

NP: I don't want to upset, upset the audience...

DN: I know you're frightened of Clement Freud, you've always been frightened of him...

NP: No, I'm not frightened of him...

DN: You went to school with Clement Freud! He's always been frightened of Clement Freud! I don't blame him! I'd be frightened of Clement Freud, wouldn't you? Imagine seeing that on a dark night!

NP: I must...

DN: What?

NP: ...be equally fair between you two tough contestants, Derek and Clement, that I will do the same as last time Barry with us. I gave a point against you and Clement for that, so I'll do the same again. Barry has another point and he keeps the subject of making the most of it. And this is the last time Barry that I'm going to be so lenient. There are 37 seconds on making the most of it Barry starting now.

BT: When I first mounted this podium back in 1951...

BUZZ

NP: Don't worry yes Clement...

DN: Repetition of when he first. When he first stood on the stage and when he first...

NP: Yes, when he first stood on the stage. That's a frightfully clever challenge. There are 36 seconds now with you Derek on making the most of it starting now.

DN: If you get a point in this game, you really have to make the most of it. Because they're pretty hard to come by I can tell you. When you've got a loaded bigoted chairman sitting there, all puffed up with vanity, holding in his hand... his arm... no I'm just testing really. You should see what he's got down there today, a bottle of gin! I'm not surprised! He's making the most of it! Every now and again, you think he's drinking water, not a bit of it! He has quick swigs, he does. He needs it you know, it's gone to his brain, it's a bit soft! It's age really, 65! My father was at school with him, he knows! And he tries to play juveniles all about, because he's making the most of it. Mind you it won't last much longer...

WHISTLE

NP: In spite of the things he said, I'm tempted to give him two points because it was a magnificent little um er dissertation wasn't it. Ah Derek, oh you've just gone ahead. Let's move, let's put you back on shall we and start the next round with Clement Freud! We've heard enough from you for a bit! Clement will you begin the next round please, the subject is affairs of consequence. That's a lovely subject isn't it. Would you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I had no affairs of consequence until I was 15. On this and after that date I began to indulge in a fully... half-hearted...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well I thought it was hesitation but...

NP: Yes I agree about the hesitation. We're going to hear from you again Derek and there are 50...

DN: Oh so sorry!

PJ: Very understandable at that age!

NP: Yes! Affairs of consequence Derek and there are 49 seconds left starting now.

DN: I would like first of all to make a public apology for speaking again. It's not...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He's talking about, or he's meant to be talking about affairs of consequence.

DN: Well that was an affair of consequence.

CF: A totally irrelevant remark which has got to be deviation.

NP: No, he started off by saying I do wish to apologise...

PJ: He wanted to make a public apology! Well I want to make a party political broadcast!

CF: I would like to sing God Save The Queen but if we are going to stick to the subject...

NP: He hadn't got time to really establish that he was deviating from the subject of affairs of consequence because the apology might well have been to do with his first affair of consequence. So Derek you have another point and you have 46 seconds on affairs of consequence starting now.

DN: Affairs of consequence are often the consequence of affairs. This is a truism which I believe was spoken by my friend Smith round about 1942. And I wrote it down particularly because he was one of the green... facts...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! I agree with the hesitation. Clement you have 31 seconds now on affairs of consequence starting now.

CF: The consequence in my affairs began with Mavis and moved smoothly through Gladys via Stella on to Mary and across the board to Ursula. The latter lady being exceedingly angry about the whole thing and suing me for libel. Also slander although I had never spoken disparagingly about her. But affairs of consequence are such that you come out of it shaking slightly at the knees, blushing to your eyebrows...

WHISTLE

NP: What a lot of nonsense he does talk on occasions! But you keep going Clement, gained the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. You're now in the lead alongside Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. And Derek would you begin the next round, the subject, old habits. Can you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Old habits are difficult to get rid of. It is a sort of rather boring truism that one hears from time to time...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: If it's boring, I don't want to hear about it!

DN: Oh really?

NP: What's the challenge?

PJ: Repetition of time!

DN: (laughs) Freud told him to say that! I saw him whispering!

NP: I know!

DN: Rotten cheat, Freud! Slow on your buzzer and then you pass on the information! Rotten cheat!

NP: The thing is he still said it. So repetition, Peter you have 51 seconds on old habits starting now.

PJ: I've seen Derek himself wearing them from time to time on the television screen...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of time. Time to time.

NP: Yes time to time.

PJ: Oh yes!

NP: Forty-six seconds...

PJ: I think Freud told him that!

NP: Forty-six seconds Derek, old habits starting now.

DN: One of the things about the Carmelites are the fascination of their habits...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: One of the things has got to be is, it's not are.

NP: Yes.

CF: Deviation of grammar.

NP: Deviation of grammar, that's what I call a tough one.

DN: It is a tough one, isn't it.

NP: But you have to keep going...

CF: Don't give it, if you think it's tough!

NP: No, no...

PJ: No, very good!

NP: It is tough but accurate so you get a point and I'm allowed...

CF: It's a correct challenge!

NP: What?

CF: I mean it's correct!

NP: It's correct.

CF: Good!

NP: But it's still tough! And there are 41 seconds...

CF: You would make a great judge! You really would!

NP: I'm not a judge. I don't set myself up as a judge, I'm a chairman! And he's got to be a very strange human being. Forty-one seconds...

DN: May I second that motion?

NP: And in Just A Minute he's got to be a bit of a madman too.

BT: I once knew a judge who had a wink. And everybody thought they were getting off lightly and he used to go "I sentence you to be taken from this place to the place from where you were brought, and sentenced to be whipped on the soles of your feet and that class of thing". I don't know why I mentioned that!

NP: We were beginning to wonder too, Barry! But um...

BT: I think it's the heat! The heat and the zips!

NP: Forty-one seconds...

BT: You're not allowed to mention flies on the BBC!

NP: Forty-one seconds, old habits Clement starting now.

CF: I didn't begin old habits until I was 43 when I was mature and elderly enough to indulge in them. And a lot of my pleasure it has given me to date. One of my most revolting old habits is the wearing of a shirt for a week or more at a time. But... (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well, quite justifiably, he packed up! So hesitation!

NP: You would pack up if you got that sort of reaction from the audience! Did you plant him there Derek?

DN: No, I think they could just smell him from there!

CF: I was barracked by a laundrette operator!

NP: Oh the gentleman in the front row hasn't smiled until now. Anyway Derek I agree with your habits, I mean, I agree with your challenge and you have the old habits back with you and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

DN: When they receive Bar John of the Cross, the Vision of the Blessed Scapula, they change the colour and texture of their habit from white to brown. And...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of white. He mentioned white earlier on when he was talking about the er...

NP: The white scapula, yes, that's right Peter.

DN: The white scapula? I had nothing...

PJ: No, the Carmelites.

NP: The Carmelites were wearing the white things.

CF: No.

NP: Oh yes, you were talking about the Carmelites, you used the word white.

PJ: I gave up counting after about five!

NP: There are seven seconds Peter with you on old habits starting now.

PJ: And they can be very comforting as one nears the end of one's life, when the shadows are lengthening...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Very tough challenge, repetition of ones.

NP: I'm not going to allow it.

DN: Oh all right.

NP: Peter Jones has...

DN: When I make tough challenges, you can say it. You say "that's a tough challenge". You're allowed to say it to impress the listeners you know.

NP: One second left Peter on old habits starting now.

PJ: Very nice indeed!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones got some well-deserved points at the end of that round and he's moved forward but he's still in fourth place. And Barry Took will you begin the next round, the subject, the Equator. Would you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.

BT: Who was it who said "I can put a girdle around the Earth in 40 minutes and make it 10 pounds lighter?" I don't know the answer to that question, nor am I going to attempt to give you any rational explanation. The Equator is the thing that circumnavigates... is that the word I'm looking for? No, it isn't...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. What is your challenge?

DN: Oh ooohhh various hesitations.

NP: There was hesitation occasionally yes.

DN: And a deal of deviation.

NP: Yes.

DN: You name it, it was!

NP: All right, you have a point because I only accept one of them. Forty seconds on the Equator Derek starting now.

DN: Well of course it's terribly hot there. I do like Equatorial Africa. Now when one's out there, amongst those people with the shining skins living in their little crowds with spears, there is a feeling of primitive man, I'm doing Kenneth Williams! Which terribly excites me! Somehow when you sit around a pa at night with a little billy can if you have one...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes, Clement you have 18 seconds on the Equator starting now.

CF: I first came across the Equator when I walked from Daris Salaam due east and suddenly a notice was placed...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: You can't come across the Equator if you're walking due east. Only if you're going southeast or northwest you can then cross the Equator. If you're going due east, you keep on going east, and you can't get to the middle!

NP: Very good challenge yes. The Equator is equidistant between the North and South Poles. If you're going due east you'd never come anywhere near the Equator, you'd be the same distance all the way.

DN: You'd keep on going round and round in circles.

NP: So Derek Nimmo has a point and there are nine seconds on the Equator starting now.

DN: The first time I crossed the line, there was jolly old King Neptune, the demon barber. And I had my face covered with foam. We were there on the Mauritania...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo crossing the Equator got an extra point and he's taken the lead at the end of that round. And the subject now Peter Jones. Would you go on ping pong. Would you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well this of course is the name for table tennis. I don't think it's very apt really. Because it's obviously meant to sound like the game as being played. But I think it would be better if referred to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of think.

NP: Yes yes um Derek you have the subject of ping pong with 47 seconds starting now.

DN: When one looks at the state of the world, and you see that America and China did not speak to one another for all those years, isn't it incredible when one realises that...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Repetition of one.

CF: When one.

NP: Yes all right Peter, you have 34 seconds now on ping pong starting now.

PJ: Better if it had been called pong pong. Because...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And very apt that he should have because of his remark about the shirt!

CF: Repetition.

NP: What of?

CF: Pong.

NP: Pong is on the card.

CF: No, ping pong is.

NP: Ping pong is two words, and pong is one of the words on the card. He didn't say ping pong but he repeated pong.

CF: Aha!

NP: And there's a bit of a whiff around so jet's get on with it. And the subject is still with you Peter, 30 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And as Derek Nimmo was explaining to you, it was this great game played at a green table which brought the two nations...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of game.

PJ: I hadn't got to the game before.

DN: Yes you did at the beginning.

NP: Right at the beginning you talked about the game of table tennis.

PJ: Oh you mean when I was talking before?

NP: Yes!

PJ: Oh yes, I thought you meant this time.

NP: Yes! But I'm afraid it all counts Peter and I have to try and remember back. There are 20 seconds Derek back on ping pong with you starting now.

DN: I think it would be a very good idea if the game was called ping ping...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of think.

NP: Yes he did say think before, you're quite right. Eighteen seconds on ping pong with you Clement starting now.

CF: Onomatopoeically if it were called ping ping pong pong instead of ping pong (laughs) it...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes...

PJ: He gave up after ping ping pong pong!

NP: Well he might!

PJ: Yes.

NP: There are 12 seconds Peter for you with ping pong starting now.

PJ: Actually over there in this oriental world where it is indulged in frequently, night after day, there they...

WHISTLE

NP: I think he deserved that applause for managing to find a day after the night when you have to keep going after the phrase. Peter you've leapt forward at the end of that round, but I'm afraid you're still trailing a little behind Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo. Derek's still in the lead, a way just ahead of Clement. Derek will you begin the next round, the subject, cheers. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Cheers are something that one tends to hear in a football crowd, or perhaps even in a theatre, not of course in this one, because we're not really quite good enough to be rewarded with that particular kind of acclaim. Other times in a pub perhaps, you lift your cognac, contained in a glass, to your lips and there you say "cheers" to your jolly chums. And they say "what a good old fruit". Then of course you have to pay the bill which is a nasty part of the evening which I don't like very much. Mind you it has been said that a cup of good cheer, now I use that word just right there. Before I'm pulled up and told I'm speaking ungrammatically I would like to say that people do, on Tuesdays in Lent, say "cheers". Now why, you might ask? I'll tell you. Because if the pancake won't go round the right way...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: He's reduced to talking about pancakes! He can't talk about cheers any more and now he's talking about pancakes.

NP: You know I would be inclined to agree with you Peter...

PJ: You would?

NP: What has cheers got to do with pancakes turning round the right way?

BT: I thought it was ping pong!

PJ: No, no!

NP: Well done! He was... why don't you try saying good evening again? You won a point for it last time! There are 10 seconds Peter, with you, cheers starting now.

PJ: And they can give heart to the person who is struggling in fourth position. In any kind of competition and...

DN: (very loudly) Hurray!

PJ: ... they will feel rewarded...

DN: (loudly) Hurray! Hurray!

WHISTLE

NP: Shut up! Well those ironic cheers from Derek Nimmo...

PJ: They were ironic, were they?

NP: They were ironic yes.

DN: They weren't at all!

NP: He was trying to convey that you were struggling in fourth place but you're not. You were doing very well in third place. I'm afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute so let me give you the final score. Barry Took came back after doing so well on his first visit to us, did quite well but he did finish in fourth place behind Peter Jones who leapt forward but he didn't quite catch up Clement Freud who was in second place. And who didn't ever quite catch Derek Nimmo who was once again the winner of Just A Minute! So we do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.