WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON, TONY BANKS and MARIELLA FROSTRUP, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 11 August 1995)
NOTE: Tony Banks's last appearance, Mariella Frostrup's last appaearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, oh hello, hello, it's time once again for the unstoppable juggernaut of frivolity that is Just A Minute to come crashing into your living room. And my guests, well, I have two regulars. And as usual on my left the captain of the London team. We have the demonic presence and the insouciant personality of the amazing Tony Slattery.
TONY SLATTERY: Thank you, thank you very much. And ladies and gentlemen, tonight I have with me a man who is the MP for Newham. He's also, he was also once Entertainments Officer for the Bader Minhoff Gang! A little known fact is that he once appeared in a very naughty video called Men Who Spank Tortoises! His name is Mister Tony Banks!
NP: On my right, the captain of the Midlands team, a man who cannot live up to the introduction that Tony Banks has just received. He is the premier checkout boy, the genial host of Supermarket Sweep, Dale Winton!
DALE WINTON: And with me I have a columnist, television presenter, chat show host and film reviewer. She's the only person ever to have conducted a live television interview with a frog, true! Please welcome Mariella Frostrup!
NP: Well the rules of Just A Minute are ridiculously simple until you start to play the game and then it's simply ridiculous. And they're going to try and make points for themselves, that's very important. But also they're going to try and make points for their teams to see which will be the victor at the end of this week's show, Midlands or London. And they try and do that as they ask them to speak on a subject I will give them. And they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. It all becomes clear as we play the game and we begin with Tony Slattery. And Tony the subject here is down the tube. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
TS: Well statistically it's been proven that on the London Underground, the Northern Line contains the most number of suicides. And that's because there is nothing else to do. There are no trains there, absolute emptiness and silence whistling through the tunnels and...
DW: I hate to mention it but deviation, because silence doesn't whistle. Silence is silent.
NP: What a clever challenge! Yes! As they say in show business, not just a pretty face!
DW: Oh! As you said to me in my dressing room, not an hour since!
MARIELLA FROSTRUP: You're vying with me!
NP: Right Dale, you have a correct challenge, so you get a point for a correct challenge, there are 44 seconds left, starting now.
DW: The London Underground is a myriad of tracks. You've got the Jubilee, Northern, Metropolitan, Circle, District, Victoria. They all lead to all four corners of greater London. It costs well between one pound 70 for the smallest journey, up in...
TS: Deviation, it's one pound 30!
DW: Actually er he's right.
TONY BANKS: This is a man who knows his Underground!
TS: Zone 1 and 2, one pound 30. (blows raspberry)
MF: That's wrong, it's not true! I think it's a pound!
TS: No it isn't!
MF: It's a pound!
TS: No, I live in...
NP: Yes I know, but the point is his challenge is correct. Because Dale said the cheapest is one 70, and it's not the cheapest so Tony's challenge was actually correct. It shows you how they spend their lives, always on the Underground. Tony a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take back the subject of down the tube, 29 seconds starting now.
TS: I tried to get a chocolate bar out of one of those machines. We've all attempted to do that. What did I have to use in the end? A rocket launcher! Ten p, 20p, just to er...
NP: Yes Dale?
DW: Too many pees!
NP: There were too many pees, yes!
DW: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am being, I am being...
NP: No you're being hard.
DW: I don't know what I'm being actually! I don't really want this subject anyway. How much longer have I got?
NP: You've got 18 seconds, the subject is down the tube starting now.
DW: It's the turnstiles that confuse me most of all...
TS: You don't have turnstiles!
DW: You do!
TS: You have turnstiles at football matches!
TB: That's why he gets so confused over the price.
TS: I know!
NP: In Just A Minute, no, no... I'm on Dale's side here, because you put your ticket in to it...
TS: You're the chairman!
NP: ... and that thing, that thing moves like a turnstile. And I think that's perfectly legitimate. Sixteen seconds for you Dale, another point starting now.
DW: Whatever it is that you impale yourself on when inserting your ticket, usually yellow, hopefully you will not be met by a guard who will ask to inspect it. This is because generally I have bought the wrong one for the journey I wish to take. Usually I spend less than one pound...
NP: Ah Tony Banks.
TB: The word usually.
NP: He's used the word usually before, yes, yes.
DW: Is it nearly over?
NP: Yes. Tony Banks you've cleverly got in with only three seconds to go on the subject, down the tube starting now.
TB: I use the London Underground every single day of my life and I must tell you the central line is...
NP: That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Tony Banks so he's in second place. And it's Dale Winton's turn to begin, what I overheard Dale, that's the subject, can you talk on it, 60 seconds, starting now.
DW: What I overheard in the green room, which is the place we come before recording Just A Minute, was intimate apparel talk. Mariella Frostrup's personal belongings were er said...
NP: Mariella, yes?
NP: Hesitation yes.
DW: You can have the point actually, you can have the point.
NP: You can have the point because you've got it for the Midlands as well as yourself, 50 seconds, what I overheard, Mariella starting now.
MF: The conversation that Dale is referring to was between Tony Slattery and myself. And I don't think I need to go into any ah further detail about it...
NP: Yes? Right Dale you got in first.
DW: Well I do apologise for doing...
NP: No, no, don't apologise...
DW: No I'm apologising because I've got to take on the subject and I don't want the subject, but I will say hesitation.
DW: How much have we got left?
NP: Let me tell you! You've got a correct challenge and a point and 27 seconds, what I overheard starting now.
DW: What I overheard was the barman talking to the lady who serves the drinks. She arrived with a tray of wonderfully decorated little canapés that you might eat, twiglets, things like that. And we sat there munching while another couple from across the room were talking about Mariella and ...
TS: That's repetition of Mariella.
DW: Yes you're right.
NP: You mentioned Mariella, and though we feel we can't have too much of Mariella, it counts as repetition within the rules of Just A Minute. So Tony I think you pressed first, didn't you?
NP: Twelve seconds are left, starting now.
TS: What I overheard was rumours...
NP PUSHES MF'S BUZZER
TS: What is going on?
NP: Mariella you've got another point, you listened very well that time! What I overheard, eight seconds starting now.
MF: What I overheard in the green room was Tony Slattery being offered a large amount of money to take his clothes off! And a lot of other people offering him similar amounts to keep them back on...
NP: No, no, what is the challenge?
TS: Is it... oh a bit Welsh! It is interesting. I was going to buzz for the repetition of the word amounts. But the first one was amount and the second one was amounts.
NP: That's right, you are correct. So you were interrupted just before the whistle went. So you get another point for that Mariella and you have just half a second for what I overheard starting now.
MF: What I overheard...
NP: Yes right! Mariella was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. I'm going to do something slightly different now.
NP: Instead of giving the players here a subject, I'm going to offer them an object. Those black segments will part and through this piece of furniture will arise something that is rather horrific and frightening.
OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL
NP: There is the object. They have to speak without hesitation, repetition or deviation on that subject if they can and Tony Banks, will you begin. There is the object, please tell us what you think it is in 60 seconds starting now.
TB: Well as someone who is very much involved in animal welfare, I find this particular exhibit to be totally and utterly disgusting...
MF: Deviation, what is it though?
NP: I don't think... yes it was a good try Mariella but I don't think...
TS: Well done, you pretty little thing!
MF: Not bad for a girl, eh Nicholas!
NP: It was brilliant by any standard! But let's be fair within the rules of Just A Minute and I'm afraid sexism does not come into this particular show in any way at all! Tony Banks, you have another point, you have 53 seconds, there's the object starting now.
TB: It clearly is an animal that has had its body chopped...
TS: Sorry, repetition of animal. It was animal welfare, and animal.
NP: Animal yes.
TB: Okay fair enough.
NP: No but he is still on your team.
TB: I know.
NP: It's good.
TB: I don't mind him stopping me.
NP: There's the object...
TB: Any time you like!
TS: All right!
TB: All right yeah!
NP: Fifty seconds, Tony Slattery starting now.
TS: You can get this from any joke shop. It's a... I don't know what it is actually!
DW: There was a hesitation there, I'm afraid.
NP: Yes it was hesitation. Dale, 47 seconds, there's the object, tell us what, something about it starting now.
DW: Many names spring to mind when looking at this object. It clearly is nothing to do with Judith Chalmers, Norman Lamont or Norman Tebbitt. I just wonder what it might be. I think it's a...
TS: Repetition of Norman.
NP: Oh yes, yes.
DW: He's right.
NP: Thirty-nine seconds Tony Slattery, starting now.
TS: If you watch Dale Winton in Supermarket Sweep, you'll see that as you cruise down the aisles, this is the latest in the frozen food department. Yes, with your fish fingers you can have half a scabby ram's head...
NP: I don't think so Mariella.
MF: He went (takes a breath)
NP: Well he's got to breathe you know!
MF: I never do!
NP: Tony, 26 seconds, there's the object starting now.
TS: This is the god mohmoh-humpoo...
DW: Well I'm sorry, there was a moh moh!
NP: Repetition of moh!
TS: That's the name of the god, mohmoh-humpoo.
DW: Oh stop it! I've never heard such nonsense in all my life!
NP: Even if it was true... even if it was true, Tony you still, you did still repeat moh.
TS: No, it's, mohmoh-humpoo is the Polynesian god of daytime television!
NP: Dale you have the subject, the object I mean, 23 seconds starting now.
DW: Tony Slattery's quite wrong of course. I never sold anything like that in my supermarket. But I have a feeling it would be a big seller. I'll tell you what it is, it's a wildebeest, captured ah...
NP: Hesitation definitely.
MF: That wasn't drawing breath.
NP: Thirteen seconds for you on the object starting now.
MF: It's perfectly obvious that this ram's head is in fact a replacement for the original cover of the Rolling Stones album... Goat's Head Sue...
NP: I think so Tony, the object starting now.
TB: This poor creature was obviously cut from its body at an early age. And we now have to look at it singing I Aint Got...
NP: Tony Banks was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so. Mariella has almost identified it but if anybody can give me a complete description of what it is, they will get a bonus point. Yes Mariella what do you think?
MF: Well it's definitely a ram's head.
NP: Yes we know that.
MF: And isn't the er...
NP: It's a type of ram's head.
NP: It's a type of ram's head.
MF: It's a, it's a, it's from, it's not the Midlands.
NP: It is the Midlands.
MF: Is it? Is Derby in the Midlands?
NP: Derby Ram, well done! Well done yes!
MF: I know my rams! I know my rams!
NP: So a point for a Derby Ram and er we've reached the halfway mark in our contest.
OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE
NP: Now after that foray into the realms of the absurd, let's restore a bit of order. While we do that, we'll take a break and you'll see us after this.
NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute. And to restore some sunshine in our bleak little world, let's see what Mariella Frostrup can do with this next subject, Caesar's camp. Mariella...
MF: Would you like to do it?
NP: Can you talk on that subject, 60 seconds starting now.
MF: Caesar's Camp is a place I used to be sent in my youth in the Roman era when I was just growing up in my toga. We used to lie around, eat a lot of grapes, have orgies, that sort of thing. And Caesar's camp was where I used to be sent to clean up my act every summer...
NP: Yes Dale?
DW: Well I'm sorry, you were sent there twice.
NP: Yes you were sent there more than once.
MF: Yes I was, you're absolutely right.
DW: Well there you are.
MF: Every summer I was there.
NP: Right, 47 seconds on Caesar's camp with you Dale starting now.
DW: I wouldn't be at all surprised if Caesar was camp as they say. The term was probably...
TS: Hesitation there.
NP: Hesitation yes, Tony Slattery, 42 seconds, tell us something about Caesar's camp starting now.
TS: I failed my O-level camp Latin, that happens to be true. Because there was a translation package called Caesar's camp. I started "Caesar chased the naughty poet through the camp". And that happens to be true. The... writer... oh!
NP: Tony Banks.
NP: Hesitation, yes. Can you tell us something about Caesar's camp, starting now, Tony Banks.
TB: As a matter of fact I don't think I can tell you anything about Caesar's camp at all. I know...
NP: Ah Mariella?
MF: Well there's no point in going on then, is there!
TB: But I was going to try!
NP: That's right! Mariella, what I do there is give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the challenge so much...
TS: We enjoyed it Mariella, you lovely thing!
MF: Such a sweet little girl! Sorry!
NP: Don't mock me please!
MF: I wasn't! It was Tony! Don't pick on me!
NP: I'm not picking on you, I'm picking on Tony. Right there we are. Ah Tony Banks, you get a point for being interrupted, you keep the subject, Caesar's camp, 27 seconds starting now.
TB: Well of course Caesar camped all over Europe, rather like Des O'Connor. Though of course not with the same result...
TS: Repetition of of course, you said....
NP: There's too much of course, yes.
TB: Oh did I?
TB: All right okay. I was going to be rude about old Des anyway.
NP: Caesar's camp with you Tony Slattery, 20 seconds starting now.
TS: Caesar's camp is not like Butlin's camp because in Caesar's camp you can kill people (bursts out laughing)
TB: Ah hesitation.
NP: I think so Tony, 15 seconds, Tony Banks, Caesar's camp starting now.
TB: Well a large number of people have at different times seen Caesar's camp. Because if you travel around this country, all over from north...
TS: Repetition of all over. We had all over Europe.
NP: We had all over Europe before and now all over...
TS: I'm sorry Tony.
TB: I'd forgotten about that. That was ages ago, wasn't it?
TS: But you see...
NP: You might, you might be arguing amongst yourselves but between you, you're getting a lot of points for the London team.
TS: I know.
NP: Yes, six seconds on Caesar's camp Tony Slattery starting now.
TB: He did it again! He does that every time! We're going to win!
TS: It was for you!
NP: Dale you got in first.
DW: My hand was just...
TB: Yes! Quite!
NP: You knew what they were going to do and you didn't do it. Right, five seconds for you on Caesar's camp starting now.
DW: Caesar's camp is a holiday resort near the Midlands, where we play for of course on the programme from the Midlands team...
TB: Midlands twice.
DW: Yeah right, he's right.
MF: Yes but he's been told to do that hasn't he.
NP: I know he has, but he's got in with half a second to go on repetition starting now.
NP: Tony Banks was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. And he's leapt forward. But Dale Winton is still in the lead and then Tony Slattery and Mariella Frostrup in that order. Right Tony Banks, your turn to begin, the subject, my secret. Ask an Mp on the show and then ask him to talk about my secret. Oh that's a bit daring isn't it. Right, 60 seconds starting now.
TB: My secret is so dark, devious and horrible that I'm even too frightened to tell the audience what it is. I have the world's largest collection of Des O'Connor records. I first started collecting these when I saw him performing at a Buddy Holly Live concert at the Trochidera Elephant and Castle in the 1950s. I was amazed at his ability to sing, to dance, to keep us all entertained for so...
TS: Now that is deviation!
NP: Ah I'll tell you what. No, Tony Slattery, what we'll do is the audience enjoyed that challenge so I'll give you a bonus point for an enjoyable challenge...
TS: Thank you Nicholas.
NP: As it was not within the rules of Just A Minute, and it wouldn't be fair to Des O'Connor to accept it either, I'm going to say Tony Banks, you get a point for being interrupted. And you keep going on my secret, 30 seconds are left starting now.
TB: He is an absolutely amazing man...
DW: We've had two amazings.
NP: We've had two amazings.
TB: Have we? He's a very amazing man! I love him!
TB: It's out! The secret's out!
NP: Right Dale, 28 seconds, my secret starting now.
DW: My secret is all about my first girlfriend whose name was Dot. Strangely enough, people always used to look at us together and think "I bet he's a friend of Dorothy's". I never quite understood what they were talking about. Having heard about it, they said to me "well that must be your secret". I said "my secret? I have no idea what you're talking about because everything in my life is an open book..."
NP PRESSES MF'S BUZZER
NP: Mariella challenged.
MF: Behave yourself! Yes, talking rubbish!
NP: Talking, no he was talking... you're right, repetition of talking.
MF: Repetition of talking, exactly! Talking yes!
MF: I just threw in the rubbish bit...
NP: I know, that's right yes.
MF: ... to spice things up a bit.
NP: So Mariella you have a point not only for yourself but for your team. Which is really clever of you to get in there.
MF: I'll tell you what...
MF: I know how to play this game!
TB: Will you press my hand? Will you press my hand?
TS: No, you belong to Des!
NP: Right let's have 10 seconds from Mariella on my secret starting now.
MF: My secret is that I'm actually Margaret Thatcher's love child. I was conceived in the early 1920s and (laughs)
NP: Tony Banks.
NP: No, it was hesitation. Two seconds for you Tony Banks, on my secret starting now.
TB: My secret is that I'm still a socialist within the Labour Party...
NP: Tony Banks was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so. Things that go bump in the night. Tony Slattery I think it's your turn to begin. Will you talk on that subject starting now.
TS: In the 70s, there used to be this game called clackers. Do you remember that? And I used to play with them every night. And in that sense they used to go bump. And neighbours would complain, knock on the wall, say "stop using those horrible toys". I replied "no" because that was the kind of boy I was... (starts to laugh)
NP: Yes it was Tony Banks, so you've won a point for yourself and your team.
TB: You're quite happy.
TS: That's fine.
NP: You have 43 seconds, tell us something about things that go bump in the night starting now.
TB: Things that go bump in the night frighten me. Because I'm actually a very cowardly...
DW: There was a hesitation there.
NP: I think there was a hesitation yes.
DW: Over very.
TB: There was. I'm a very cowardly person, that's what I was trying to say.
DW: There was a very.
NP: Dale Winton, things that go bump in the night is the subject, you have 38 seconds starting now.
DW: Do you know the worst thing that can happen to a person is to live above people that are at it all night long. Things that go bump in the night, you'd be amazed! I've rung the council and said "what do you think about these... neighbours I've got..."
NP: Yes Mariella?
NP: No I don't think it was hesitation. But Mariella, don't worry...
MF: I know, I'm not.
NP: You're not. It's another point to your Midlands team yes.
TS: This is gamesmanship!
NP: It is gamesmanship.
DW: No, it's not!
MF: It's called technique dear! You wouldn't know a lot about it!
NP: Dale, an incorrect challenge so you get a point for that, things that go bump in the night, 27 seconds starting now.
TS: Got him! Got him! Huge hesitation there.
NP: Huge hesitation. Twenty-six seconds, things that go bump in the night, Tony Slattery starting now.
TS: The reputed most haunted house in Britain is Bawdy Rectory. It was the centre of great poltergeist activity, the word being German, meaning naughty or noisy ghost objects...
DW: There were two ghosts.
NP: Two ghosts.
TS: Oh yes!
TB: Scary! Scary!
NP: Things that go bump in the night, Dale back with you, 14 seconds starting now.
DW: Above my bedroom, I'm sure it's not a poltergeist...
TS: Repetition of above, we had the neighbours above.
NP: We had the...
DW: Oh we did, didn't we.
DW: Oh I'm sorry, yes we did.
NP: The noisy ones. Twelve seconds, things that go bump in the night Tony starting now.
TS: (in falsetto) One of the worst things (starts to laugh)
MF: Incomprehensible anguish!
NP: Deviation from his normal voice. Mariella...
MF: Oh dear!
NP: You have a correct challenge, you have 11 seconds, things that go bump in the night starting now.
MF: Things that go bump in the night can be very irritating particularly for people who work on breakfast television. A friend of mine has that job and is constantly driven mad by her noisy neighbours who spend a lot of time upstairs...
NP: Mariella Frostrup was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point for doing so. And she's moved forward but she didn't quite catch up our leader. So at the end of the contest, the one with the most points was Tony Slattery, so congratulations to Tony.
NP: But the team that had the most points, four ahead of the London team, were the winners this week, the Midlands team, Mariella Frostrup and Dale Winton. We have no more time to play Just A Minute. If you want to play this game at home, do remember it is a game for experts. If you are tempted to try, do make sure you are wearing the right protective underwear. It only remains for me to say on behalf of my distinguished guests, Tony Slattery, Tony Banks, Mariella Frostrup, and Dale Winton and myself, Nicholas Parsons, we do hope you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. And you will tune in at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful and ridiculous game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!