JAM:CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald,ICarmichael
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, AIMI MACDONALD and IAN CARMICHAEL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 24 September 1973)

NOTE: Ian Carmichael's last appearance, Ian Messiter's 150th appearance blowing the whistle, Nicholas Parsons's 150th appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Ian Carmichael and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome back Ian Carmichael and Aimi Macdonald to do battle with our two regular male competitors in Clement Freud and Peter Jones. I'm going to ask them to speak again if they can on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show this week with Peter Jones, and the subject, a good old English one, steak and kidney pie. Peter would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: I haven't made one for some time. But when I did, I found the great problem was to cook the meat er kidney, well enough, without actually burning...

BUZZ

NP: Ian Carmichael has challenged.

IAN CARMICHAEL: He chucked an er in there. Or er in ther!

NP: In other words you felt that he hesitated.

IC: I heard a distinct er! Quite definite er.

PJ: Yes there was an er.

NP: There was an er. And so it was a tough challenge...

PJ: I erred!

NP: Yes you erred. Indeed! And Ian you have a point for a correct challenge and you have 47 seconds to take over the subject of steak and kidney pie starting now.

IC: A few months ago I was in a restaurant in the Strand and I saw on the menu steak kidney and oyster pie. I'd never had this particular dish although I'd heard about it...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AIMI MACDONALD: Deviation, I mean you don't get oysters in a steak and kidney pie.

NP: Oh you do, and you can, oh yes.

IC: That's the whole point of the story, you see, that's what it amounts to.

NP: In fact some absolute devotees have steak and kidney in their oyster pie.

AM: But that's steak and kidney and oyster pie, then isn't it.

IC: That's what I said it was, dear, I said it was steak and kidney and oyster pie.

AM: But that's not the problem, you see. I mean question.

NP: It's not the question...

AM: I mean...

NP: Aimi I think it's a very good challenge, but he wasn't deviating from steak and kidney pie, because his particular version of it had oysters in it. So I think we must allow him to keep going, having gained a point for a wrong challenge and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

IC: Unlike Aimi Macdonald, I had heard of it, though I'd never tasted this particular...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald's challenged.

AM: Deviation, I have heard of it, actually!

IC: So it's my word against yours really!

NP: Had you tasted it as well?

AM: No because I can't bear oysters.

NP: Well why did you challenge last time, if you had heard of it?

AM: Look, all I was saying last time was that we were talking about steak and kidney pie, not steak and kidney and oyster pie.

NP: Well all right, you, I believe you Aimi that you had heard...

AM: I feel very strongly about that you know!

NP: I know!

PJ: It's quite reasonable!

NP: You've made your point with such vehemence that I give in completely and I agree with you. Because I do believe that you've heard of it but not tasted it. So you have the subject now Aimi, 32 seconds, steak and kidney pie starting now.

AM: When I make my steak and kidney pie, I go down the road to the nearest butcher. I buy some steak, take it back and there I've got rolled up...

BUZZ

NP: Ian Carmichael challenged.

IC: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think you hesitated when you got back.

PJ: Crossing the road! That's all!

NP: She'd got back, she'd crossed the road! She hesitated in front of the house, she wasn't sure if she'd got back to the right place!

PJ: She'd forgotten the kidneys as a matter of fact! She didn't mention getting them! No she naturally would hesitate, go back, and then she'd be on her way! I think it's an unreasonable challenge, most unfair!

NP: Next time you ask me to dinner, remind me, don't have steak and kidney pie, we'll never get it. Ian I agree with your challenge so you have the subject, steak and kidney pie and there are 20 seconds left starting now.

IC: So I said to this waiter who I think was Italian actually, "may I have some of your steak and kidney and oyster pie because I've never had it before?" He then doled me out a very large dollop on to a white plate. I looked at it and couldn't see anything but the steak and kidney. He, I looked at him, he looked at me and said "sir..."

WHISTLE

IC: Wouldn't you like to know what he said to me, having got that far?

PJ: Yes!

IC: He said "sir, would you care for the oyster?" and took it off a plate from underneath and put a single solitary one in the middle of my plate of steak and kidney pie.

NP: Ian at the end of that round, you have a commanding lead over everybody else! In fact the only other person to score is Aimi Macdonald who has one juicy point, for her steak, not for her kidney. Um who's going to begin the next round? Clement Freud would you begin the next round? The subject after steak and kidney pie is Brussels! So can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: An amazing thing happened to me the other day. I went into a restaurant and asked for a steak kidney and oyster pie, and they put brussel sprouts into them calling it a brussels pie with the addition of pieces of pastry and the aforementioned meats and offals which I'm not supposed to repeat. It was one of the great delicacies in Fleet Street, and in fact... continuing up the Strand, you'd have been unlikely to find anything better until you reached Marble Arch, nay, Holland Park...

BUZZ

NP: Peter's challenged. Why?

PJ: Well, Holland Park, Marble Arch, it's too far away from Brussels! That is the subject!

NP: No he was talking about brussel sprouts. If you'd had him for deviation, particularly this brussel pie, you couldn't get a finer example anywhere up the Strand or Marble Arch, I'd have given it to you. Because there's no such thing, I don't think. Except as a figment of his imagination. But that was not a legitimate challenge Peter, so Clement has a point and 23 seconds on brussels starting now.

CF: The capital city of Belgium which lends it names to this delectable vegetable, brussels... is...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Aimi, you now have Brussels and there are 15 seconds left starting now.

AM: My very favourite vegetable happens to be brussel sprouts. Whatever I eat, I always ask for brussel sprouts with it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of sprouts.

NP: You can't repeat the sprouts, the subject is brussels.

AM: But it's the subject!

NP: No, no, brussels is the subject, not sprouts. Six seconds for you Clement on brussels starting now.

CF: My very favourite city in Europe is Brussels. And whenever I travel, I take particular care to go to Brussels...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement you're in second place at the end of that round, having gained a point for speaking when the whistle went, and Ian Carmichael will you begin the next round. The subject is something nice. Would you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

IC: Nice is a word that is frequently used to describe er something... you're putting me off, Clement Freud! Um when you can't think...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said um.

NP: Yes he did.

IC: Well er is only a hesitation, um is not a hesitation.

NP: I'm afraid you did hesitate so I give the subject...

PJ: Well Clement Freud was bumping and boring.

NP: Well it's to your advantage. Anybody could have challenged. He could have challenged himself as Clement did one week. Ah there are 49 seconds left on something nice, with you Peter Jones starting now.

PJ: I visualise it on the shores of the Mediterranean, on a veranda with the smell of memoza wafting up from the sea. And all this food laid out, a wine bottle underneath the table, in the shade cooling, ready to sip, as something nice walks in, in a kind of diaphanous negligee with a something...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Because he's going to be rude! I can tell!

PJ: I think that's prejudging the issue altogether!

NP: Aimi I can assure you, those who play this game regularly are so rude, it's not true sometimes.

AM: I know, but it's a family programme, isn't it?

NP: Yes but they're still rude. So do you mean you think he was being devious?

AM: Yeah oh absolutely.

NP: Well I don't think he was deviating from the subject on the card which is the correct challenge.

AM: Well you're the chairman, if you think it's nice I suppose...

NP: I can understand as a woman, you wouldn't think it nice.

AM: No!

NP: You might want to chat with the diaphanous whatsit lady...

AM: Yes!

NP: Yes so Peter I disagree with the challenge, you have a point for that and there are 25 seconds on diaph... I mean something nice starting now.

PJ: And as I relaxed in the hammock, because I should have told you in the first place that I was lying back in this string affair, beckoning to this creature who'd just arrived, and trying to reach the glass container with this precious liquid inside it, so that I could place it to my lips and quaff a glass...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh I've never heard anybody keep going with such a sort of...

PJ: Rubbish!

NP: ... devious turn of phrase in my life! But Peter you achieved it and you gained a point for speaking when the whistle went. And Aimi will you begin the next round and the subject is my peaches and cream complexion. That's what Ian Messiter's thought of for you to talk about and will you start now.

AM: My peaches and cream complexion is a very difficult thing to achieve. There are many stores in London where you can go to buy little pots of cream to rub in and things but...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I don't think it's terribly difficult!

NP: To?

PJ: To go into a shop and buy this pot of cream. That's not a difficult thing to do.

AM: I hadn't finished what I was going to say. I was only starting.

PJ: Oh really?

NP: She didn't say it was difficult to go into the shops.

PJ: I thought she said it was.

NP: She said it was very difficult to achieve a peaches and cream complexion.

PJ: Oh I see.

NP: There are many stores that you could go into. So I disagree with your...

PJ: So she gets an extra point from me?

NP: No, not from you, you had a wrong challenge.

PJ: Oh I had a wrong challenge.

NP: You made a mistake.

PJ: I made a mistake, yes right. My attention wandered for a moment, I was still back in that hammock in the south of France!

NP: Aimi you have a point for a wrong challenge and there are 47 seconds on my peaches and cream complexion starting now.

AM: There are jars of sticky stuff, there are bottles of gooey things, and sponges...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Ian Carmichael challenged.

IC: Hesitation.

NP: I think I would agree Ian, so you have 44 seconds now to tell us about, and this is talk on the subject of my peaches and cream complexion starting now.

IC: Well I think it's most interesting this should have been given first of all to a lady. And it is... quite obvious...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald's challenged.

AM: Oh a hesitation.

NP: Yes Aimi so you have the subject back. When he thought about it being given to a lady, he couldn't think why it shouldn't have been given to a lady. So you have 33 seconds, my peaches and cream complexion starting now.

AM: The most sensible thing to do is of course to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: why?

CF: She would have no idea what the most sensible thing to do is!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM AM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: We will give Clement Freud a point for a wicked and witty...

AM: No!

NP: ... thing but we leave the subject with Aimi Macdonald who has 29 seconds...

AM: Why does he get a point?

NP: Because he was being very wicked and he was being rather wicked at your expense. The audience laughed and you laughed, it's all in good fun, it's a family show.

AM: But when I do that to him, I don't get a point.

NP: You can be as rude as you like...

PJ: It happens to be more fun for the Freud family than it is for us!

AM: No I think, I think, as he challenged me so wittily, I think he ought to have it.

NP: No he didn't, you weren't actually deviating...

PJ: He can't talk about his peaches and cream complexion! It's just ludicrous!

AM: Yes but I'd like to hear him try, wouldn't you?

NP: Well he may try yet, you never know. We're going to see you try again Aimi, 29 seconds left starting now.

AM: The thing to do is of course to get an awful lot of sleep, an awful lot, oh, I've done it again...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah repetition of an awful lot!

NP: Yes and so they've got what we wanted. Clement for you to talk on my peaches and cream complexion starting now.

CF: The only way a sallow complexioned bearded man can achieve a peaches and cream complexion is to go out and buy peaches and cream and plaster them over his face. This is sticky, expensive, ugly, unnecessary, but expedient, because if I purchased...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round, an interesting situation. Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald are equal in second place behind Clement Freud and Ian Carmichael who are equal in first place, only one point ahead. Clement Freud would you begin the next round please and the subject is next time. Would you talk on that for one minute if you can starting now.

CF: Next time I play this game, I'm not going to do it with Aimi Macdonald, Peter Jones, Ian Carmichael. Nor will my chairman be Nicholas Parsons...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Oh deviation, it's utterly impossible what he's saying!

NP: Quite impossible to play without all of us, isn't it.

AM: Yes, yes. Of course.

NP: We're all so good aren't we?

AM: Yes!

NP: I quite agree Aimi, you have 43 seconds on next time starting now.

CF: Well challenged!

AM LAUGHS

BUZZ

NP: And you've challenged back or you intimidated her?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes hesitation.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And when you play such obvious aggressive tactics on a lady, all that happens is that she gets a point instead of you...

AM: Thank you!

NP: So Aimi has another point for that last challenge...

AM: Thank you!

NP: And she has the subject with now 41 seconds on next time Aimi starting now.

AM: The next time that I play this game, I'm going to be so rude to Clement Freud. Because he does a lot of very strange and silly things that he gets away with, and I'm not going to allow this to happen...

BUZZ

NP: Ian Carmichael has challenged you.

IC: Oh deviation by miles, really!

NP: Why?

IC: Well I mean next time is the thing we're supposed to be discussing, not his frailties!

NP: She was talking about next time he does all these things, you see, and I think making out a very good case for what she was going to do.

IC: Well I hadn't said anything for a bit, so I thought I'd better, you know.

NP: But if you're doing that...

IC: Otherwise there'll never be another next time for me!

NP: Well if I give the subject back to Aimi, there mightn't be a next time.

IC: Yes do because I've nowt to say about it!

NP: So Aimi you have a point for that challenge and there are 25 seconds on next time starting now.

AM: I'm going to be terribly careful not to repeat myself or deviate or hesitate. I am...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of or.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: Did I do that?

NP: For such an ungallant challenge and the boos from the audience convince me that I should obviously give another point to Aimi Macdonald for that challenge. And tell her that she has the subject still with 17 seconds...

PJ: It's mob rule!

NP: What's that?

PJ: Mob rule!

NP: Yes it's women's lib as well, rampant! Um 17 seconds, Aimi, next time starting now.

AM: I am going to talk terribly sensibly and intelligently for one entire minute about any subject you care to give me Nicholas...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well you're not talking about next time.

NP: Yes she was, that was what she'd established, that was what's going to happen next time. She's going to talk for one minute with intelligence and clarity...

IC: I think you're partisan Nicholas! I think you're terribly partisan!

PJ: I can't believe that...

NP: You're absolutely right, but I can't give you a point for that challenge.

PJ: I can't see how...

IC: Just because Peter Jones isn't as pretty, I mean, he can't help that, can he.

NP: Some people think that Peter Jones is as pretty. He just doesn't appeal to me, that's all.

IC: Well only Mrs Jones! I don't know!

PJ: Please try and get our personal lives out of this Nicholas!

NP: You were the one that brought it in!

PJ: I don't see how she can possibly make a boast like that and...

NP: And sustain it next time?

PJ: Yes!

NP: Well all right, we'll have to wait till next time to find out if her boast comes true or not. But as she was boasting if you like, she wasn't deviating from the subject on the card of next time and there are seven seconds left with you Aimi on next time starting now.

AM: I already feel a veteran of the game because no...

WHISTLE

NP: Well before the letters start rolling in, if you think that I was helping Aimi Macdonald, you're probably perfectly right. But I think she deserved it in the view of the fact of the way she's been intimidated and treated by the others. And I have to tell you at the end of that round, she's doubled the amount of points she had and she's got a commanding lead over all the three chaps! Aimi would you begin the next round please, the subject is how to get absolute quiet. That's what Ian Messiter's thought of for you to talk about and will you start now.

AM: This terribly easy actually. If you start off by talking terribly loudly, then people will, will not listen to you, you see. So you have to...

BUZZ

NP: Ian Carmichael.

AM: I know, I did a thing.

IC: You did actually, you're right, dear. Quite right, yes.

AM: I know.

NP: She, she got absolute quiet until Ian challenged and he's got a point for a correct challenge and 47 seconds...

AM: It's a shame really because I was going to do something quite interesting.

NP: Oh well we'll all wait afterwards to see what it is.

IC: I'll be gallant and let her finish if she wants.

NP: Was it all right for radio, what you were going to do?

AM: Oh yes.

NP: Oh good!


AM: Don't worry, I'll get it back in a minute!

NP: (laughs) With this team, I'm not surprised! Um 47 seconds Ian on how to get absolute quiet starting now.

IC: One of the er...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You did get it back Aimi! No, Peter Jones got it!

AM: I didn't expect him to goof up so early!

NP: He gave you a chance Aimi...

AM: I know!

NP: You didn't take it. Peter, yes?

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I must legitimately give it to Peter and tell him he has 46 seconds on how to get absolute quiet starting now.

PJ: I get absolute quiet immediately by explaining that there is a microphone in my teddy bear. On the other hand one can look as though one is suddenly having an attack of some kind, go white at the lips, and staring eyes will produce an effect on any audience which is not necessarily hilarious, but it can be. But if you persist in it and really start trembling, shaking, loosening one's tie, and making a tremendous fuss, grabbing the first thing that comes to hand, you can achieve a modicum of silence because the people are naturally alarmed, they don't know what you're going to do next. They think you may go absolutely berserk!

BUZZ

NP: I'm afraid that Ian Carmichael, when you grabbed Aimi for the second time, Ian Carmichael challenged you. What is the challenge?

IC: Well I mean, the whole thing is totally devious because it is incorrect. The more he was doing it, the more noise we were getting from the audience.

NP: I would say that's a very good challenge and there are four seconds left on how to get absolute quiet starting now.

IC: One of the sure ways of getting quiet is to drop a brick...

WHISTLE

PJ: Very good!

NP: At the end of that round Aimi's in a very definite lead ahead of all the three men still. Peter Jones will you begin the next round and the subject is what I never do. Sixty seconds left for this subject starting now.

PJ: I never travel around in Zeppelins because I can't, as they're very slow moving about...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: If he's never travelled around in them, how does he know they're slow moving about?

NP: He's seen them! They are slow Aimi.

AM: Are they?

NP: In comparison with aeroplanes they're very slow. But not in comparison with mules of course. But anyway, that's why it's so difficult to judge isn't it. I think, what I never do, he wasn't deviating from the subject on the card, Peter you're still with it, 49 seconds left, what I never do, starting now.

PJ: And you, Mister Chairman, have reminded me that I never travel about by mule either. Camels occasionally I have used in the desert, because they can go a long distance on a very small amount of liquid. Visiting the Pyramids they are just about the only means of transport you can use without attracting attention, because bicycles are laughed off the sand and the cars...

BUZZ

PJ: ... that are available are just hopeless. Helicopters... what?

AM: Total deviation actually.

NP: What?

AM: He's not telling us what he never does, he's telling us what he does.

NP: No, I agree with you, he wasn't establishing what I never do, he got away from that. Aimi you have the subject now, there are 21 seconds left, what I never do starting now.

AM: I never wear hobnail boots in summer... ever...

BUZZ

NP: You have to keep going and tell us some ever things you never do Aimi, otherwise you'll be challenged as you were on this occasion by Clement Freud.

AM: Oh?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I would definitely agree with that Clement and there are 14 seconds on what I never do starting now.

CF: I very seldom tend the...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He's telling us what he very seldom does! And it's supposed to be what he never does!

AM: Yes.

NP: I quite agree with the challenge and you have 11 seconds, what I never do starting now.

PJ: I never wear hobnail boots in summer, spring, winter or autumn...

BUZZ

NP: Ian Carmichael challenged.

IC: Well there was a suspicion of a hesitation there.

PJ: No, not at all!

NP: No I think it was a sort of a slither...

PJ: No trace of hesitation.

NP: You slithered from one word to the next without exactly hesitating. That's the way I would interpret it. So I give you the benefit of the doubt, you keep the subject, you have six and a half seconds...

IC: I think you take payola off these regular fellows!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: With you Peter, six and a half seconds starting now.

PJ: I never ride a unicycle when I am appearing in public because I find...

BUZZ

NP: Ian Carmichael has challenged.

IC: He stopped there!

NP: Yes, hesitation, you're quite right.

PJ: Somebody buzzed!

AM: Look I had it in first!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Ian Carmichael has a point for a correct challenge and he has half a second on what...

BOOS AND JEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Shut up audience or you'll go! I might tell you we only have a few seconds left to play this game and at the end of the game, I'm going to turn you all out! If there is a half a second left in this round but there are a few seconds left to complete the game. If you don't let us complete it, we won't be able to say good night!

PJ: Big deal!

NP: Now that is how to get absolute silence, is to say to the audience we may not have time to say good night. And they couldn't care less! Ian you have half a second on what I never do starting now.

IC: I never...

WHISTLE

NP: Well what I never do gave the last round a very interesting twist to the final result. Peter Jones rushed forward from fourth place to finish in fourth place! Alongside Clement Freud which is unusual for Clement Freud! Ian Carmichael moved with tremendous speed at the end to finish in second place. But none of the men managed to beat this week's winner who was the lovely Aimi Macdonald! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.