WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring GRAHAM NORTON, TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON and SU POLLARD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 June 1995)
NOTE: Su Pollard's first appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the show that lets comedians, politicians and actors burble on until sometimes they start making sense. My guests this week, as usual and usually making sense, on my left, the captain of the London team, comedy improviser and millionaire playboy Tony Slattery!
TONY SLATTERY: And with me a man who has written and performed some tremendously successful one man shows and stars in countless radio programmes. He's not only kissed the blarney stone, but he appears to be having a torrid relationship with it, he is the delightful Graham Norton! Welcome to you Graham!
GRAHAM NORTON: Thank you very much.
NP: And on my right, the other regular player of the game, the captain of the Midlands team, a man who started out as a DJ in a biscuit factory, he really did. And now he's the jammiest dodger on television, the hazardly sexy Dale Winton!
DALE WINTON: Nicholas, I didn't know you cared. I didn't know you cared. Thank you.
NP: Ever since we started the series.
DW: Well we won't go into that. And with me I have a woman who turned holiday camp into a whole new brand of humour when she starred in the legendary sitcom series Hi De Hi. I mean of course the energetic Su Pollard!
NP: Well those are our four exuberant players of the game this week. And as usual I'm going to ask them on the subject that I give them and they are going to try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. The other three can challenge any time they wish. If I uphold the challenge, well of course, they gain a point. And if not whoever is speaking gains the points. That's how we play the game and it is the Midlands against London. And we begin this week with Tony Slattery. Tony the subject is my first audition. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
TONY SLATTERY: Well this is a true story. After I left university I went into television and films. And my first audition was for a remake of The Dirty Dozen in which I had to try and play the part of a very rough Marine. I attempted an American accent. After it the director said "why are you trying to sound like Katharine Hepburn? Can you not be a little more masculine?" I said "no". He then replied "well we're looking for a part of a Vietnamese woman who has something wrong..."
SU POLLARD: Excuse me, are we going to get to the actual audition? We're waffling about who you've met.
TS: No, that was, that was in the audition.
NP: That was all in the audition.
TS: All this was happening in the audition.
NP: All that was happening in his audition.
SP: So that's allowable then?
NP: Oh yes, provided...
SP: Carry on then!
GN: I was just interested that they were looking for a part of a Vietnamese woman.
GN: I just wondered which bit?
TS: I was going to play the pancreas!
GN: Oh fair enough!
NP: Su I must explain as you haven't played the game before, as long....
SP: Yeah, don't make me sound thick Nicholas! Do it gently, please please!
NP: I will, I'm always very gentle. I'm always very gentle Su. You should know from the past. Now listen um....
SP MAKES A FACE AT THE AUDIENCE
SP: Sorry duck, carry on!
NP: I know... When you try and kiss someone like that, it is agony! Now listen Su, as long as he doesn't deviate from the subject on the card and that is still, I think, his first audition...
NP: So Tony an incorrect challenge, you have a point for that, you keep the subject, 32 seconds, starting now.
TS: I carried on with the audition by singing "there's no business like show number twos". And then I thought to myself, well he's not very impressed. But then I played my ace card, yes, the trick with the ping pong balls. Put them in the ear and they shoot out of their mouth. I ended up in Billy Smart's circus as a speciality...
DW: Oh it's utter nonsense! I've never heard such rubbish in all my life!
NP: Yes I don't believe that he's ever been in Billy Smart's circus.
DW: It was the masculine bit that got me earlier on! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: There is no quarter given in Just A Minute, they are outrageous beyond words. Dale you have a correct challenge...
DW: Thank you.
NP: And you get a point for that of course, 15 seconds are available for you to take my first audition starting now.
DW: This is the first time that I've ever told anybody about my first audition. True! I was asked to go along at an audition for a taste bud in a coffee commercial. Attired in a pink leotard I was invited to jump up and down and express how gleefully pleased I was to be tasting this particular brand of beverage. When the...
SP: Yeah! Yeah!
DW: That's absolutely true!
NP: Whoever is speaking when I activate that whistle gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Dale Winton and he is in the lead at the end of that round. Dale will you take the next round, the subject is chatting at Chatsworth. That's a nice subject associated with the Midlands. But can you talk on it, 60 seconds starting now.
DW: I've been to Chatsworth House many many...
DW: Oh I've done it already!
NP: You've done it already, many many...
GN: That was a nice gift!
NP: Yes yes, I know, but it's so easy to do Graham, as you may find out yourself.
GN: I think I will!
NP: Yes, 58 seconds, you've got in very rapidly, chatting at Chatsworth starting now.
GN: (stretching out words) Chatting at Chatsworth for me, I think would be quite limiting. Because the only thing I could think of saying would be how do I get back to London, will it take very long, and can anybody give me a lift?
DW: What is this, Swahili? What is this? It was very long and it...
TS: That's his delivery.
NP: That's his delivery.
TS: We don't complain when you lisp! It's just natural!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
SP: He doesn't lisp! My feller!
DW: It was hesitation! I'm appealing to the chair, it's up to you...
GN: Are you though?
SP: Yes and I thought you were replacing Loyd Grossman, in case he gets ill and can't make Through The Keyhole!
NP: No I do think actually at the pace, I do think Graham at the pace you deliver you'll have difficulty taking breath in between...
NP: Because that becomes a hesitation.
GN: No, no, fine!
NP: No I agree with the hesitation, he did...
GN: Make rules up, that's fine!
TS: Leave it! He's not worth it!
DW: Actually I am!
GN: It's just a silly game!
SP: Well at my time of life, anything's worth it!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: So Dale...
DW: Yes Nicholas?
NP: You had a correct challenge, hesitation, 43 seconds are available, chatting at Chatsworth starting now.
DW: So there I was chatting at Chatsworth, sitting on the terrace, taking a cup of tea and a scone when these American tourists approached me. They said "oh it's such a regal place. Do you see many aristocracy here?" To which I replied "you'd be amazed. I've just been stopped by a minor Royal who asked to borrow ten pence to go to the lavatory to go and readjust her makeup.."
TS: Repetition of to go.
NP: To go.
TS: I'm sorry Dale.
NP: To go too often yes. So Tony you got in first, a point to you, and you take over the subject, 27 seconds, chatting at Chatsworth starting now.
TS: I made a terrible social faux pas once. There was a Royal garden party at Chatsworth and there was a visitor's book and in that...
NP: Yes? Yes Su?
SP: I think I've, I think I've over-stretched! You see I thought... I'm really sorry because I thought you said twice "and I was thinking". But I don't think you've said that at all!
NP: But at least you're thinking, I mean that's a great asset in Just A Minute. But...
SP: I shan't be asked back! I can see it now! I can see it now!
NP: I think you will, the audience love you very very much...
SP: I'm getting the hang of it though, aren't I!
SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
SP: Yes! I'm so sorry!
NP: That's all right, can we just keep quiet a moment Su!
NP: We all love you! Stop it! Right, 22 seconds, you have a correct, an incorrect challenge so you keep the subject, chatting at Chatsworth Tony starting now.
TS: At Chatsworth there is a hormone replacement therapy unit. I went to the site to have some liposuction done but the machine was on blow instead of suck! So I am now 42 stone! I met Su Pollard there, she looks very young for her age. I won't hear a word against you, except perhaps the word "mad"!
SP: That's not fair! You were putting the opposition off by making them laugh! And we can't find our buzzers!
TS: He did then!
DW: I did!
SP: Get off, I'm not playing with you again!
TS: But Dale had a challenge.
NP: Dale you challenged.
DW: I did actually buzz then Su, we got the point.
NP: You got the point, well, we don't know until I tell you what the challenge is, what is it?
DW: Oh hesitation.
NP: Yes it was hesitation yes!
SP: Well done, May-bean!
SP CLAPS DW
DW: Stop it! Stop it!
DW: (in higher pitch than usual) You said you weren't going to say that! (realises he sounds even camper than usual, so changes to a very deep voice) You said you weren't going to say that!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
SP: Perhaps at nights you do that other little voice (squeaks in a high pitched vaguely Mickey Mouse type voice) I thought you weren't going to say that!
SP: I'm so sorry!
NP: That's all right, no, Dale has got a point for a correct challenge which means also the Midlands team has got a point. So he has four seconds to continue...
DW: How many?
NP: Four seconds, that's all.
NP: Take over the subject, chatting at Chatsworth starting now.
DW: Chatting at Chatsworth on the lawns of the flowers and the beautiful water displays...
SP: Very good! You're so clever!
DW: No I'm not!
NP: Dale Winton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and he is now still in the lead. And also the Midland team are now of course leading the London team. And now we do something slightly different. Instead of me offering them a subject, I offer them an object. The black segments there are going slowly and they've gone. And out from this piece of furniture...
OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL
NP: ... will rise an unusual looking object. Two objects you might say. There it is, Su Pollard it's your turn to begin. What you have to do is to identify them if you can but what you most importantly have to do is to talk without hesitation, repetition or deviation on that object starting now.
SP: What I see before me appears to be something that was worn probably by Jesus in the year 85 thousand AD. They look as old as that as well...
NP: Jesus, AD?
GN: That'll be deviation from truth.
SP: Yeah but, yeah but you can't have BC.
NP: That's Before Christ.
SP: Yeah well he came after didn't he, with his sandals!
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
SP: Of course he did, didn't he Dale? I'm sorry, I'm challenging the challenge, I'm sorry!
SP: I'm carrying on now with it.
NP: I think actually Graham's challenge was correct. So Graham there's the object, you have 47 seconds starting now.
GN: These are shoes worn by female bakers to cut out the shape for drop scones. They tread all over the pastry, willy nilly, who cares? And then you pick them up, give it a bit of a dusting off with flour, chuck it in the pan or on the griddle...
SP: I'm challenging flour, I think he said it twice.
NP: No he didn't say flour.
GN: You're so wong! So wrong!
NP: But there's deviation, because they're not, what he said was deviant, it was not correct.
SP: It was deevint did you say?
SP: I don't think Nicholas is correct, it was deevint! Deevint!
NP: I was deviating from the English language! But that was a correct challenge because he has actually deviated from what those really are, he was inaccurate. So you have the subject back and you have 30 seconds, talk on the object starting now.
SP: (long pause) The item...
DW: Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I thought they were going to buzz for a hesitation there.
NP: But you buzzed first. They weren't so keen.
DW: Oh were you? Oh well in that case hesitation.
NP: Hesitation I'm afraid.
SP: No, no, I'm sorry, I've got to disagree.
SP: Because I was hoping to say such a lot in one breath that I had to get myself together for the next thing I was going to do. You're not allowed to challenge that! Sorry!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Su I'm sorry, as much as I love you, the rules of the game are that you have to get going as soon as...
SP: I'm making my own rules up! I think my rules are better!
NP: I know, I know. Dale she did hesitate most definitely so you have a point for yourself, a point for the team of course, 29 seconds, there's the object starting now.
DW: I have a pair of these, a more modern version, at home which I wear in my quiet moments when nobody's looking. But I can tell you where they come from originally. They're Friar Tuck's flip-flops. And beautiful are they too! And indeed they've lasted for many an eon! If you look underneath them you can see they're balanced precariously on a metal stand. Don't think that was from the original year. But look at the sandal itself. The toe is not an open toe so...
TS: Repetition of toe.
DW: Repetition of toe.
NP: Repetition of toe. Yes.
SP: No that's not quite right because that is um, what is it when it's a two words, um....
TS: Two words!
SP: I was just about to say hibernating! (laughs)
SP: These hibernated words...
NP: You're trying very hard Su, but I think you're up the wrong alley there, I wouldn't go...
SP: Fair enough!
NP: Tony you have a correct challenge, six seconds, there's the object starting now.
TS: These are a pair of Vivien Westwood earrings. The problem is you can't wear them because they interfere with air traffic control at Heathrow...
NP: So Tony Slattery was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. Now none of you have correctly identified the objects although you've talked very amusingly about them. Can you give me a correct identification, I'll give you a bonus point. Have a guess if you don't know, yes?
TS: Is it something to do with gardening?
NP: No, nothing to do with gardening. Yes?
DW: Are these the shows worn when you go, when the Tower of London, the prisoners...
NP: No, they are 19th century... what were you going to go for?
GN: Oh I was going to say something to do with coal mining, walking over shales or something.
NP: No you're way off.
TS: Coal mining?
NP: Much more domestic, much more domestic than that.
SP: I believe this is to do with grape treading...
SP: ...or something like that...
NP: Grapes are never that size, I can assure you! No, they are scrubber's clogs!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
GN: And we didn't recognise them!
SP: I've never worn those in my life! How dare you!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: In the 19th century, women who had to clean floors in big offices and so forth, had these things on their feet so after they'd cleaned the floor they could walk back and not make marks on the wonderful surface they'd left behind.
TS: What do you mean? Not make marks? They'd be covered in big round things!
GN: They'd think a horse had come in and done it! So the cleaner wouldn't get in trouble!
NP: They wouldn't be footmarks. I was told that's what they're for, they've come from the Oxford County Museum. And so they do exist and they're disappearing now...
OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE
SP: Bye! Back to your scrubbing! Good luck!
NP: Anyway we've reached the halfway mark in our contest, let me give you the scores. It is equal, 15 points to both teams, and I think I should go off now and sit in a darkened room for a few minutes. So stay tuned and you'll see us after this!
NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute. Let's rev up the engine and ram our way into the next round which will be taken by Graham Norton. My greatest fear, can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
GN: My greatest fear is that my entire family will be killed in a bus accident leaving me to look after my sister's children. Funnily enough this is also their greatest fear!
DW: Oh oh oh oh!
GN: Yes yes yes!
DW: Oh oh oh I'm so sorry!
NP: No, listen, an incorrect challenge because he thought you'd repeated something and you hadn't. Forty-eight seconds for you Graham to continue, my greatest fear starting now.
GN: My greatest fear is that the girl who was born just before me, out of my mother, will die and her little offspring people...
NP: Yes you challenged Su?
SP: Yes I think...
NP: Repetition wasn't it.
SP: Yes I would say so. Just a certain hesitation.
NP: No, repetition of die!
TS: No, he said be killed in the first one! Not die.
DW: No, he said they'd be killed or die.
NP: That's right.
SP: Be killed and die, sounds like you and I.
NP: So it was a repetition of die, wasn't it?
SP: Yes it was.
NP: Yes, well done Su, well listened!
SP: Yes thank you!
NP: So Su... Su...
SP: Oh I'm having such a good time! Yes?
NP: Yes, right, my greatest fear is the subject. You have 40 seconds starting now.
SP: My greatest fear is finding a member of the opposite sex coming out of my wardrobe fully clothed. I would absolutely love this person, hopefully on the male side, to be absolutely...
DW: Absolutely twice.
NP: You said absolutely twice.
SP: Oh did I?
DW: It's all right, we still get the point.
NP: You get the point for the team Su, so don't worry.
SP: Well, well done! Hey this is quite good, this! It's better than Give Us A Clue!
NP: Twenty seconds Dale, you take back the subject, you take over the subject, my greatest fear starting now.
DW: I know exactly what my greatest fear is. It would be to visit Norwich and appear as a contestant on the Sale Of The Century! That wonderful programme we all love from years ago. And be one of the people that answers questions, get too many right, and win a caravan which I have never ever wanted. What is it when...
NP: You thought he said never never when he said never ever.
SP: No, no, no.
GN: I feel awful about the whole thing, I'm very sorry.
NP: No don't feel awful. If we don't try, we don't get anywhere!
SP: Yeah but flipping heck, you've destroyed it...
GN: I'll write that down Nicholas! That's very good! It was deep!
SP: I'm challenging you because you're just diversifying off the thing! He's trying to get his head together to keep going and you're just talking waffle!
NP: But don't you realise Su...
TS: Can we please get on?
NP: Su don't you realise if he's challenged and it's incorrect, he gets another point.
TS: This is like the United Nations Fishery Commission!
NP: I know so there we are...
SP: I feel like I'm being had up by the Court of Human Rights for battering Nicholas Parsons to death or something terrible!
TS: Here's hoping!
NP: Dale Winton you have another incorrect challenge...
DW: What's the subject? I've forgotten!
NP: It's my greatest fear.
DW: How many, how long...
NP: You've only got five seconds left.
NP: And you start now.
DW: My greatest fear on said evening entertainment on-screen show would be to win a shower curtain...
NP: So Dale Winton was then speaking when the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and the Midland team are now back equal with the London team. And Tony Slattery it's your turn to begin, the subject toffee nosed. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
TS: Snobbism as the French call it of the English is one of the greatest and most despicable class traits in our betrayal-ridden system. Working class people are often seen... and...
SP: Was it... was it...
NP: Hesitation, Dale got in first I'm afraid there.
SP: Oh fabulous!
NP: Oh I think...
DW: I've lost the will to live! I've got to stop this, I'm getting camper by the minute!
NP: Yes, right...
SP: It doesn't matter though, you're still working!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: And working well as well, Dale, right! Toffee nosed is the subject, 45 seconds starting now.
DW: Toffee nosed is an extraordinary expression and you get it when you visit the fun fair and eat a toffee apple. Shove it in your gob too quick, and out it comes and it goes all over your nose, hence the expression...
NP: Right, yes?
DW: What was wrong with that?
SP: Well you said toffee nosed and you said nose again.
SP: So in an earlier round, Mister Parsons pointed this out to m, that you can't have a er, er, what is it? That word anyway.
DW: She's right!
SP: So he said it so can I have a point there for this team?
NP: Yeah after what you, I don't know what you're talking about but you can have the point yeah!
DW: We're on a roll here! Go for it!
NP: Thirty-five seconds for you Su on toffee nosed starting now.
SP: Yes toffee-nosedness can be attributed to people who've had a marvellous education or think they have like they've been to Rodene or finishing school in Sweden, whereupon they take the Alps, the Alple air...
SP: The Alple air!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM TS AND THE AUDIENCE
SP: (bursts into tears) I said Alple didn't I!
DW: Alple air!
SP: Oh I can't, I can't have a point for spotting that I done it wrong?
NP: No I'm afraid you can't because Tony spotted it first. And Tony you have a correct challenge...
SP: Coronation Street is easier than this!
NP: I know!
SP: Flipping heck!
NP: Twenty-one seconds starting now.
TS: I once had supper with Mao Tse-Tung. He used the wrong fish knife. He then said to me "naughty". I said "you toffee-nosed old Red Square twit!"
NP: Ah yes what is it?
GN: It was deviation.
NP: Of course I don't believe he's ever had a meal with Mao Tse-Tung.
GN: Yes, mmm-hmmm.
NP: Graham, 13 seconds, toffee nosed starting now.
GN: Some people look toffee-nosed but they're not. They've simply been overdoing the sun bed. Ah and they...
DW: Oh I'm sorry, there was a ahhhhh!
GN: It was the beginning of a word!
DW: Was that a toffee-nosed way of saying it!
NP: I think actually Graham was actually reacting to what he'd said. So I consider it was part of his speech on that occasion. So Graham I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt...
GN: Bless you for that!
NP: No, no, don't, don't get carried away with it, I mean it's just a point...
GN: I know, but you are genuinely nice!
NP: Yes, all right, six seconds...
GN: No, really!
NP: I'm getting worried now! Six seconds...
GN: So kind!
NP: Toffee-nosed starting now.
GN: Toffee-nosed is something that a small confectionery object might be if it were made out of toffee...
NP: Well Graham Norton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so and he's um, he's moved into third place actually. Dale Winton actually got most points and then he was followed by Tony Slattery. But the team that had most points, two more than the Midland team, the London team, Tony Slattery and Graham Norton, you are the winners this week! There we are! We do hope that you have enjoyed this extravagant and outrageous edition of Just A Minute. And on behalf of my wonderful guests, Tony Slattery, Graham Norton, Su Pollard, Dale Winton and myself Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in. Tune in again when we play the game and we take to the air and play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!