WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON, RICHARD VRANCH and TONY BLACKBURN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 9 June 1995)
NOTE: Tony Blackburn's last appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the only game of oral skill for four that is allowed on television. My guests this week, as usual my two regular stalwarts. On my left, captain of the London team, a man who's not just a gigolo but also a savage wit and raconteur, television's very own Tony Slattery!
TONY SLATTERY: Thank you very much and tonight I have with me a man who deserves no introduction. I'm sorry, needs no introduction. He's been a disc jockey all his life and he's only fallen off once! He is the wonderful, the quasi-legendary, Tony Blackburn!
NP: My other regular guest, on my right, captain of the Midlands team, a man as closely associated with supermarkets as baked beans, automatic doors and trolleys with wonky wheels. He is the scintillating host of Supermarket sweep, Dale Winton!
DALE WINTON: Thank you, and with me I have a man whose talents are so varied that he could easily be mistaken for Leonardo Da Vinci. Except Da Vinci never played the London Palladium. He's one of television's countless band of musical nuclear physicists, comedy improvisers, it's Doctor Richard Vranch!
NP: Well those are our four panellists and they're going to play Just A Minute. They're going to try and make points for themselves and the one who has the most at the end of course will be adjudged the winner. But most important, the scores of each team will be added together, and will it be London, or will it be the Midlands? Who will triumph this week? You'll find out if you stay with us. And I'm going to ask them to speak if they can on a subject I give them and they'll try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. The other three can challenge them at any time they wish, and if I agree with the challenge, well then they get the points, if not then their opponents get them. It'll all become very clear as we play the game. And we're going to begin the show this week with Dale Winton. Dale the subject I have in front of me is having a double. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
DW: I always enjoy a double. And I always enjoy one particularly after...
DW: Oh no!
TS: Repetition of enjoy.
DW: Yes you're right.
NP: Tony that was a correct challenge, repetition, so you have a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, having a double, 57 seconds starting now.
TS: Vodka, that's my tipple. Well, that and turps obviously. Meths also depending on whether it's the weekend or midweek. You see what I like to do with my double shot as they're called, because I used to work in bars so I know the lingo, is that I first put in a base of milk, then mix it up with cherries, just a little fabric conditioner, and then whatever comes to hand in the kitchen area. I've got a lovely leatherette bar in the lounge at home. It's a through walkway type sitting room...
NP: Tony Blackburn challenged.
TONY BLACKBURN: I just wanted to say hello.
TS: Lovely! Lovely!
NP: Well done, sorry, you haven't played the game before. Tony's played it quite a lot. It was nice to hear from you.
TB: Thank you.
NP: An incorrect challenge, you've given your partner another point. So you're doing very well, very clever of you.
TS: Thank you Tony.
NP: Tony, 26 seconds, having a double, starting now.
TS: I like to relax with some off... (collapses in giggles)
NP: All right Richard Vranch.
TS: I'm so sorry!
RICHARD VRANCH: There was a hesitation.
NP: Definitely Richard. You got in with 11 seconds to go, the subject is still having a double starting now.
RV: If you have a double, then you might walk along the street and see someone coming towards you who looks exactly the same as you...
NP: Ah Dale?
DW: It was you twice, it was having a double who looked like you, and then you saw you.
NP: Yes, well listened Dale.
DW: I was seeing double literally!
NP: Well listened and you've got a point. So three seconds are left, well done, having a double starting now.
DW: Vodka, gin, beer...
NP: Who challenged? You challenged first Richard.
RV: A bit of a hesitation before beer.
NP: There was a bit of a hesitation before beer.
DW: Was there?
TS: You could drive a bus through it!
DW: I just don't like to mix my drinks too quickly!
NP: I wouldn't worry Dale, because though Richard challenged you. He not only gets a point for himself, he gets a point for your team.
DW: Oh that's all right.
NP: So Richard you have one second on having a double starting now.
RV: Having a double at the end of the...
NP: When that whistle goes, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Richard Vranch. He's taken the lead at the end of the round. Tony, the subject, I don't know why they've chosen this for you, it's corn. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
TB: Corn's got to be the major part of the British... continent...
NP: Dale yes.
DW: Well I mean it was hesitation.
NP: It was, yes indeed. Corn is with you now, 55 seconds Dale, starting now.
DW: Corn is one of the most popular vegetables you can buy. You can have it tinned. It appears in supermarkets on the fresh fruit and vegetable stands and goes deliciously with tuna fish. Personally I prepare the dish with tuna fish...
TS: Repetition of tuna fish.
NP: Too much tuna fish, I'm afraid.
DW: I know, I know.
NP: From a man on the tuna, right. Forty-two seconds for corn with you Tony starting now.
TS: Corn is a useful by-word for anything that's slightly twee, fey and generally d'movieea décolleté (starts to giggle) as they say...
TS: That's a French expression!
NP: What were you challenging for Tony?
TB: I thought it was hesitation.
NP: No he wasn't, he was just laughing at his own jokes.
TS: I wasn't laughing! I wasn't laughing, it was wind!
TB: Well that as well.
NP: Anyway are you, you weren't hesitating so I disagree with the challenge...
TB: It was hesitation.
NP: No, no, I disagree with the challenge I'm afraid Tony.
NP: He gets another point, but your team also gets a point and Tony continues, 34 seconds, corn starting now.
TS: Corn means a particularly sort of unfunny kind of humour. I don't know why Nicholas Parsons springs to mind. It's not necessarily that Nick is the physical embodiment of all that is universally regarded as corn. But I think, you look back to things like Sale Of The Century and I just...
NP PRESSES TB'S BUZZER
NP: Yes you challenged Tony?
TB: (laughs) Well he...
TS: Deviation! Deviation! Deviation!
TB: I thought it was deviation!
NP: Definitely! He was deviating...
TB: And he was having a go at you.
NP: Well that was deviation wasn't it...
NP: The things he was saying were pure deviation.
NP: Eighteen seconds on corn starting now.
TB: A lot of people consider that I built my entire career over the last 30 years on corn. This is absolutely...
NP: Yes Tony?
TS: That is deviation, it's not a lot of people, it's everyone! It's an un, it's an unfair challenge...
TB: I object very strongly to it!
NP: Don't worry Tony, I'm not going to give it to him. What I will do is I will give him a bonus point because the audience enjoyed the challenge. But as it's completely untrue, I will then give you a point because you were interrupted.
NP: So you have another point for that, you have 12 seconds to continue on corn starting now.
TB: One of the cleverest comedians that purveys corn has got to be Ken Dodd. The amazing thing about him, of course, is that he can go on talking about corn and indeed delivering some terrific jokes, ah again...
NP: Dale you got in half a second before...
TB: I'll never play your record again!
DW: I'd be grateful if you wouldn't!
TS: Has Dale made a record?
DW: Yes! I certainly have. It got to number 62 in the charts but we'll pass on that...
NP: I would like to know your challenge actually rather than the record...
DW: There was a hesitation, there was definitely...
TB: There wasn't!
DW: There definitely was.
NP: There was no hesitation! No I disagree, Tony you have another point, you have half a second on corn starting now.
TB: Corn has...
NP: Right! So Tony Blackburn was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, and he's moved forward now from being in fourth place to second place equal with Richard Vranch, just behind our leader Tony Slattery. And Dale Winton is only one point behind them. So we move on and Dale Winton, it's your turn to begin. Dale the subject we've got here is barking. Will you tell us something about barking in this game starting now.
DW: People often think I'm barking! Because I...
DW: Oh that's unfair!
TB: It was hesitation.
NP: It was hesitation.
DW: I was about to bark!
NP: No you weren't, you thought you were going to get a laugh and didn't! You paused, I'm sorry. As you had a correct challenge Tony, 58 seconds, barking starting now.
TB: The great thing about living in the London area is that we have the wonderful place called Barking. Which will never really be a major seaside resort or indeed it's one of those places that I personally wouldn't want to go on holiday for a terrific length of time. Nevertheless I've been to Barking many times and the people there are excellent. The supermarkets are wonderful, the cinemas are great. And a lot of the shows that they put on there are absolutely wonderful as well...
TS: Repetition of wonderful, I'm afraid. He was doing very well.
NP: I know...
TS: He was doing very well there.
NP: Right so Tony, correct challenge, barking, 32 seconds are left starting now.
TS: When I was a child growing up in London, I used to watch television. One of my favourites was Lassie and I could never get over the fact that the aforementioned super-hero dog used to communicate so much information just through barking. Woof, it would go. What's that, young... dog? Fourteen people have fallen down a mine shaft...
DW: Ah, er, ah...
NP: Yes Dale?
DW: You're all looking at me horrified but I thought that was hesitation.
TS: It was.
NP: It was hesitation.
DW: Oh thank goodness for that!
NP: I've never looked at you horrified in my life.
DW: I'm terrified to press my buzzer because I was chastised in the last round!
TS: Were you?
NP: Oh no no no! You weren't! You know how to win an audience don't you. Right Dale...
TS: Was your record really released or did it...
NP: No it just crept out! Right, 17 seconds, barking with you Dale starting now.
DW: Barking is a state of mind. The Madness Of King George nearly won an Oscar for this very subject. And if you look at many members of the current Royal family, one might be tempted to think they are also barking! I on the other hand think that they are a wonderful...
RV: Two thinks, repetition of think.
NP: I know, but we should have waited for his other remark, shouldn't we?
NP: Well it would have been more tactful after what he said in front of it. Yes that was correct...
TS: Was it?
NP: Yes Richard you get a point for yourself and also for your team and you've got two seconds on barking starting now.
RV: Barking dogs late at night really annoy me because...
NP: Richard Vranch was then speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point for doing so. He's moved forward, he's now in second place only two points behind our leader, Tony Slattery. I'm going to do something slightly different now. I'm not going to give them a subject on which to talk, I'm going to offer them an object and we'll see what happens. The two segments move back and out from the bowels of the furniture...
OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL
NP: ... come two objects or maybe three objects, yes, three objects. Tony Slattery, it's your turn so would you tell us something about those three objects without hesitation, repetition or deviation starting now.
TS: Well it's a long shot but they do look like the er (laughs)
NP: Richard you challenged.
NP: No, that's...
NP: That's hesitation, we need another challenge, yes.
NP: That's your point and you have 57 seconds, there's the object, tell us something about them starting now.
RV: For those that can't see, it's a magnifying glass, a mossacin and a pipe. And this must be...
TS: A mossacin? It's a moccasin.
NP: It's a moccasin! You might have mossacins, but that was definitely, it is a moccasin. So Tony, correct challenge, 53 seconds starting now.
TS: These are the implements associated with Baker Street's most famous detective. No, not Charlotte Rampling, it is in fact yes Sherlock Holmes. Interestingly they remind me personally of his perhaps most famous case, yes the case of the...
NP: Oh yes?
RV: Have we had two famouses?
NP: You had two cases.
TS: And two cases.
DW: And two yeses.
TS: Yes all right! Miss Nose!
NP: There's the object, tell us something about them, 34 seconds starting now.
RV: I can't possibly tell you the real name of the shoe. But of course Doctor Watson was the real hero...
NP: Ah Tony?
TS: Repetition of real.
NP: There was too much real. Yes I'm sorry. Tony you got in again, 29 seconds, there's the objects starting now.
TS: The mystery of the barking dog was discovered when the aforementioned...
TB: I don't understand that this has got anything to do with what we're talking about...
TS: You didn't give me much chance!
TB: A barking dog?
TS: You didn't give me much chance.
TB: What's the barking dog got to do with it?
TS: Oh all right, have the point!
NP: Because he did hesitate.
TB: He did hesitate.
TS: All this bickering!
NP: Tony quick...
TS: It's between me and him Nicholas! Just leave it!
NP: He's on your team!
TS: I said leave it!
NP: He's on your team!
TS: (in East Enders accent) I've got to get out of this Square, it's doing my head in!
NP: Oh when team-mates fall out, what hope is there for us? Tony Blackburn you have a point and you have the sub, the object, 21 seconds starting now.
TB: These objects of course are associated with Baker Street. It's always nice to go down that particular place because you can see so many people wandering round and enjoying looking at...
NP: Ah Dale.
DW: Well I thought that was a hesitation.
NP: I think it was, it was rubbish as well! But Dale there are the objects, tell us something about them, 10 seconds are left starting now.
DW: Sherlock Holmes was the proud owner of the pipe, the slippers and the magnifying glass...
TS: Deviation, there's only one slipper there, you said slippers. It's not Cinderella!
DW: Well they couldn't get both of them on the plinth!
TS: It's not a plinth, it's a revolving platform! You're having trouble describing...
NP: You're getting very pernickety in this show aren't you.
TS: Don't you look at me like that!
DW: I think I deserve a point actually and if you don't mind I'd like to continue!
NP: Dale I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because though there's only one moccasin there or slippers, you could refer to them as say...
TS: I thought we'd established...
DW: Yes well I did actually...
NP: He was the owner of the slippers so, so...
TS: Yes all right! Don't get angry!
NP: You're a fine one to talk!
TS: It's only a parlour game! Don't sit there in your yachting blazer and bark at me!
NP: Yachting blazer, this isn't a yachting blazer!
TB: Can I just make a point here?
NP: I think anything would be good.
TB: I can't help but notice Sherlock Holmes couldn't have owned those, because Sherlock Holmes wasn't a real person.
NP: Well that would have been a very good challenge, but you've blown it now, haven't you! Right so...
TS: Are you still a DJ?
NP: There are six seconds...
TS: We thought you were dead!
TB: What makes you think I'm not?
DW: You're talking to him!
NP: Dale, you have six seconds, there are the objects. I agree with, disagree with the challenge, so you get another point starting now.
DW: Green moccasins or one individual as you can see in front of you would denote that Sherlock Holmes had one foot...
NP: So Dale Winton was speaking as the whistle went, got a point for doing so. He's moved forward and he's now in third place just ahead of Tony Blackburn...
OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE
NP: I'm so excited, I'm overcome with emotion. After that breathless spin round the linguistic wall of death, we're going to take a short breather. Stay tuned because you will see us after this!
NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute. We pick up the story as our heroes venture ever deeper into the land of verbal madness where chaos reigns. Richard it's your turn to begin, ironing out the creases at Edgbaston. There's a good subject for a Midlands team. Will you talk on it starting now.
RV: My first job when leaving school was ironing out the creases at Edgbaston. If you've ever watched the game of cricket you'll know that the bowlers rub the ball between their legs as they run up to throw it. This is because it puts a shine on one side of the spherical object and that makes the bowling so much more...
NP: Ah Tony?
TS: There was a bit of a hesitation, bowling spppsss so much.
NP: Yes yes I think so.
TS: Rogue vowel in there.
NP: Yes, right. I agree with the challenge and 43 seconds are available for ironing out the creases at Edgbaston Tony starting now.
TS: When I do my ironing and it's a peculiar idiosyncrasy I know, I take my shirts to Edgbaston, although I live in London. Ironing the creases at Edgbaston is one of the most gorgeous ways that I spend my leisure time. My other pursuits include...
NP: Ah Dale you challenged.
DW: Well I mean take your pick! I mean... I mean, I would have to say there was a stumble, there was a hesitation just now. But actually I would have taken offence at the earlier one, there was something at Edgbaston, which is ironing out in... but never mind!
NP: I quite agree. Right Dale you got in there, 24 seconds on ironing out the creases at Edgbaston starting now.
DW: I've always liked watching cricket at Edgbaston. As you look across the green lawns and the bowlers and the bastmen and the wicket-keepers and their stumps. What a joy to behold, watching the game...
TB: Slight slight hesitation there, I think.
NP: No, there was no hesitation. He kept repeating the word the about seven times. But I'm afraid, your first challenge was for hesitation. I don't think he did hesitate. Dale...
DW: I've not got to go on again, have I?
NP: Yes you have.
DW: How many seconds have I got left?
DW: Oh that's all right.
NP: Yes, ironing out the creases at Edgbaston, 13 seconds starting now.
DW: Ironing out the creases at Edgbaston takes me into Birmingham. It's on the way which is why I represent the Midlands team. If ever you're visiting that part of the world, the Midlands I'm referring to...
NP: Ah yes Tony?
TS: Repetition of Midlands.
NP: Midlands yes.
DW: Did I say Midlands twice?
NP: You did yes.
DW: Oh dear!
NP: Tony you've got in with four seconds to go on the subject starting now.
TS: I ironed out the creases at Edgbaston using a thermonuclear warhead. It's really effective...
NP: So Tony Slattery was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. He's now taken the lead, he's one ahead of Richard Vranch. Dale Winton it's your turn to begin...
NP: Nuneaton, will you talk on it for 60 seconds if you can starting now.
DW: The favourite person to come from Nuneaton was Larry Grayson. I visited his house on many an occasion. He had a huge flagpole in his front garden and the house was by the name of The Garlands...
TS: That's repetition of house, I'm afraid.
DW: Oh was it?
DW: It's true what I'm telling you though.
TS: Is it?
NP: Well I don't see whether it's true or not, he didn't say it was incorrect. So repetition, 51 seconds, Nuneaton with you Tony starting now.
TS: I baked some bakewell tarts the other day and I left them in my bedroom and I came back and they were still there. And I thought none eaten! Can you believe it! Because normally when I do that sort of food preparation in my boudoir, all the confectionery and aforesaid comestibles just disappear! They were still there...
NP: What's... what is your challenge?
TB: Sorry it's a little bit back, but why were you making bakewell tarts in your boudoir?
TS: There's nothing else to do in Stockwell!
TB: Deviation, I would have thought.
NP: No, no, you see the point is ah that er...
TB: You don't cook in your boudoir!
TS: You've never been to my house! And you never will!
NP: That might be one of his particular fetishes, cooking bakewell tarts in his boudoir, I really don't know. As long as...
TB: That's silly!
NP: ...he keeps going without repetition, hesitation or deviation...
TB: That's silly, cooking bakewell tarts...
TS: Silly! I won't take that from Tony Blackburn! Silly! Silly!
TB: No way would you have cooked a bakewell tart in your boudoir!
NP: Tony you can be silly as you like in Just A Minute as long as it's not deviation from the actual subject. So I'm afraid I disagree but at least your partner gets another point, he keeps the subject, 30 seconds are left, Nuneaton starting now.
TS: I'm not sure where Nuneaton is. It's up north. Do they have electricity there? I think they do. But it's because of being a Londoner you see, so Nuneaton is not a place I've visited on the intercity rail network because there's always er ah...
NP: Ah yes?
DW: Well need I say any more?
NP: Well I think...
DW: He went er ah wooah.
NP: I agree, a challenge, a point and 19 seconds, Nuneaton, starting now.
DW: How many seconds?
DW: Right, Nuneaton is in the Midlands. It's very near Coventry. Again it's Junction Number 21 on the M1 Motorway. I've often visited...
TS: Repetition of one.
DW: Oh do you know he's right!
NP: Back to you Tony, Nuneaton starting now.
NP: Back with you Dale...
DW: I'm sorry, I'm being very unhelpful...
NP: Nine seconds, Nuneaton starting now.
DW: If you travel...
RV: Was that hesitation?
NP: That was hesitation. Eight seconds with you Richard starting now.
NP: Why, he didn't start?
TS: No, I just knew he was going to say something devious!
NP: I'm sorry you interrupted him. He wasn't, he hadn't even started, only half a second. Another point to you Richard, seven and a half seconds, Nuneaton starting now.
RV: Nuneaton is the place where I first kissed a girl. Her name was Julie and we were lying in a hayloft just in the centre of town. She came up to me and said "please, please"... oh...
NP: There were two pleases, but the whistle went before the second please so Richard you had the benefit of the doubt and you gained the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And now as we have no more time let me give you the final score. Well, Tony Slattery began in the lead and he finished in the lead. He was no less than five points ahead of Richard Vranch in second place, six points ahead of Dale Winton, and 10 points ahead of Tony Blackburn. But I have to tell you, the all important... congratulations of course to Tony Slattery, well done Tony! And now we come to that all important team score. The two Tonys representing London managed to finish two points ahead of the Midlands so they are the winners this week! A triumph for Tony, a triumph for London! And once again the grim reaper of television scheduling is brandishing his rusty scythe in the studio doorway. So from my guests, Tony Slattery, Tony Blackburn, Dale Winton, Richard Vranch and myself, Nicholas Parsons, good-bye. And don't forget to tune in next week for another truly wicked mega-happening jam. Which also happens to be the initials of Just A Minute. So tune in for it. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!