JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,MLister
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and MOIRA LISTER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 December 1969)

NOTE: Moira Lister's only appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Moira Lister in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you have just heard we welcome for the first time on the programme t hat lovely star of stage and screen, Moira Lister. And I...

MOIRA LISTER: Thank you.

NP: I do hope that our three wicked male players of the game will be gallant! And let me remind you that I'm going to ask them, all four, to speak on some unlikely subject for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating in any way at all. Others may challenge if they think they are guilty and gain points. If you don't know how we score, it may become obvious to you as we progress. Let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek will you talk on the subject of hot dogs for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Of course I've always been a tremendous devotee of hot dogs. I've never really liked cold ones! I think whether it be an Alsatian or a spaniel or a poodle or whatever your cooking, they're so much nicer warm... than served with a cold salad...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth, you challenged, why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, if he's discussing real dogs, you'd never cook them.

NP: (laughs) We don't know what Derek does in his spare time, do we? Oh dear! Um, hot dogs do mean a food, I quite agree. So he wouldn't cook them, yes, that's quite right. So Kenneth Williams gains a point as I agreed with his challenge, he takes over the subject, 44 seconds left, hot dogs, Kenneth starting now.

KW: Hot dogs are revolting! But people do eat them, especially under circumstances which could be described, I suppose, loosely as an emergency. Frequently they turn up when you're filming very late at night with hot coffee. And people do pour this filthy sauce all over them and then they proceed to masticate them. And the whole process fills me with a er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed yes, the word he was searching for eluded him, thank goodness!

KW: I meant repulsed!

NP: So Clement you take over the subject, I give you a point because I agree with the challenge. There are 19 seconds left for hot dogs starting now.

CF: A hot dog is a meat substance invariably encased in skin and contains lights, lungs, blood vessels, gristle...

DISGUSTED NOISES FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: ...tissue appendages and not more than 15 percent of chicken which was...

BUZZ

NP: Moira you've challenged, why?

MOIRA LISTER: Deviation, I think this is absolutely untrue. No hot dog that I've ever tasted has contained any of those things.

NP: I don't know...

CF: You're fooling yourself!

ML: Never has there been a piece of chicken in any hot dog!

NP: I, I, I'm sure Moira that a lot of hot dogs could contain as much as more of those revolting things that Clement talked about. What I must do here Moira, is to give you a bonus point for a clever challenge because it's possibly true what you say. But I'm not certain, I leave the subject with Clement Freud for five seconds. Hot dogs, Clement starting now.

CF: Beef, veal, mutton, pork...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of the shopping list!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Not of a, yes it could be repetition of his shopping list, I'll give you a bonus point for cleverness Derek. Leave the subject with Clement Freud, two seconds left, hot dogs, starting now.

CF: And a certain amount of water...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of 60 seconds, the whistle goes and whoever is speaking then gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud and so he has a lead of one at the end of that round over all the others. You do see sometimes why I have difficulty because I know that when I give a decision and there's only two seconds to go, somebody is going to get another point. It's very very difficult. Moira will you begin the next round for us.

ML: Oh!

NP: Being a mother. Can you talk about that for just 60 seconds starting now.

ML: Being a mother is a wonderful thing, because it gives me a great advantage over my three opponents. Because it is the one thing that none of them can be! And I enjoy being a mother, I have two children. I would have had several more, but the only fear that I had was that any of the future children that I may have brought into the world would have turned out to be like my three opponents. I mean er take my dear beloved friend on my left...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: We're not opponents.

ML: You certainly are! You're buzzing away like mad!

NP: The way you play the game Clement, you are most definitely an opponent. Moira Lister has a point and she has 30 seconds for being a mother starting now.

ML: And my friend, as I said before...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

ML: Oh you brute!

DN: By her own lips!

NP: By her own admission she...

ML: I was just going to say lovely things about you all! But never mind!

NP: Oh well, we might, we might have a chance to hear them later Moira. Derek there are 27 seconds left for being a mother starting now.

DN: So when I came back from Casablanca, I thought it was time to become a mother. And I must say I'm enjoying it very much indeed. I think one of the things...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why...

KW: Deviation, he obviously isn't! He's telling lies!

NP: (laughs) Oh how do I judge on that! We um... oh...

KW: You know whether he's telling lies or not, don't you?

NP: All right then, I don't think Derek Nimmo is a mother. So I give it over to you Kenneth.

KW: Yes!

NP: You have a point and you have 20 seconds for being a mother starting now.

KW: Being a mother is of course one of the great blessings of the feminine sex. How else could our species procreate, you see. We've all got to be procreate...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of? What?

CF: Procreate.

NP: Procreate, yes I agree. Six seconds left for you Clement, the subject is being a mother starting now.

CF: Being a mother is something many people...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth, Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: We've already had, repetition.

NP: Yes you've all said it quite a lot. So it's been used too often and another point now to Kenneth Williams, four seconds left, being a mother starting now.

KW: One of the great blessings that let us all...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo...

KW: Oh!

NP: Why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, that's how he started last time, one of the great blessings.

NP: Yes we had the great blessing before. So there are three and a half seconds left Derek, being a mother starting now.

DN: For any woman, when she comes out with a baby, in his eyes...

WHISTLE

NP: Very interesting stage. At the end of that round Derek has taken a lead of one over all the others. That's created a silence isn't it. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, curing a cold, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Curing a cold is a very difficult thing to do, because many doctors say that this is impossible. Others say that what you must do is eat great quantities of food as opposed to a fever which can only be... cured...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth you challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Yes yes his cold dried him up, didn't it. Forty-four seconds left for curing a cold starting now.

KW: The best way to go about this and I speak with great authority, the best way to go...

BUZZ

NP: You've been challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Repetition, yes. The best way to go about it. So Clement you've got the subject back, 37 seconds, curing a cold starting now.

CF: Make an infusion of mint, bay leaves and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you've challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, Kenneth. They don't know much about curing colds, do they? Thirty-three seconds left, curing a cold starting now.

CF: You can't rush a...

KW: Indulge yourself and lay there in the bed eating everything you can lay your hands on, including the fruit, that's very good for a clear out. Nothing better. It's like a new pack of batteries. These viruses are in the system. And you've got to make your...

BUZZ

NP: Moira why have you challenged?

ML: How many systems has he got?

NP: He was talking about collective system, you see...

ML: He was curing his own cold.

KW: We've got other systems in our body. The intestinal system is quite distinct from the blood system. Yes!

NP: The viruses could be talked about in systems generally! She's trying to get in...

ML: I'm trying to get in.

NP: ...and it was a very good attempt, and there are 17, 16 seconds for curing a cold Kenneth starting now.

KW: You must stimulate the phagocytes! It's been told to us again and again and yet this advice is rejected...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: What?

CF: Again and again.

KW: He's clever, you know. He is clever.

NP: Clement has another point and you take over the subject and there are 12 seconds, curing a cold starting now.

CF: You get a towel and drape it over your head while you lean forward with a pot containing boiling water...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged.

KW: It's nothing to do with curing a cold, it's inhalation!

NP: Yes but inhalation is one of the most...

KW: No, that is the result of sinus congestion which is nothing to do with cold!

NP: That is quite, that is a very clever point....

KW: Oh I've been on the Antique Horse dear! When he took to my nose, he said "have it off", he said! He said "oh, a tracheotomy, definitely a tracheotomy, a tracheotomy!"

NP: Repetition of tracheotomy.

KW: Oh that would explain it!

NP: Kenneth when you have a cold, you invariably have nasal congestion. And people who do have colds, do inhale. So I think it's only fair to leave it to Clement and say there are five seconds left for curing a cold starting now.

CF: And inhale gently...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Second time he's inhaled!

KW: Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes! Yes!

CF: I hadn't said it yet!

NP: What did you say then Clement?

CF: Well I was only starting the process when this man... what's his name? interrupted me...

NP: I think you talked about inhaling before and you did say inhale that time. Do you think Clement Freud has said inhale twice. If you do audience, will you shout, cheer, if you disagree, will you boo, will you all do it now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They all think you said it twice Clement. Listeners can be the final judge. But Derek then gets a point and there are four seconds for curing a cold Derek starting now.

DN: I do it in much the same way as I do with a York ham actually. I think it's so...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, we're not discussing York hams, we're discussing colds.

NP: I...

DN: If I can cure York hams, I can cure a cold!

KW: No, the one is medical and the other of course, is smoking and all that to do with cooking. It's nothing to do with the other...

NP: You're getting too difficult Kenneth. He was said that he would cure his cold the same way as he would cure a York ham. He never explained, he might have translated the deviation. I think to be fair I must leave it with Derek with one second left, curing a cold starting now.

DN: So I put my...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round Kenneth and Derek are equal in the lead just one point ahead of the other two. Kenneth will you begin the next round, the things that some people get up to. A marvellous subject for you and will you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well the things that people get up to are manifold. One reads about these rags where undergraduates climb spires and place gerries or poes as they're sometimes called on the top, as a gesture, I suppose, of defiance. But they do say it can be construed as a publicity stunt. There are other people who sit on ledges and threaten to drop off at any minute. And the fire brigade arrive, and they spread these great nets below and all wait for them to carry out this threat. I think it's a waste of time and public money! Absolutely disgraceful! The other things that people get up to of course is mountaineering. They climb these mountains for no purpose, no purpose at all. They're not going to build anything at the top...

BUZZ

NP: Moira Lister you challenged, why?

ML: Repetition of no purpose.

NP: Repetition of purpose, so she gains a point and she takes over the subject of things some people get up to starting now.

ML: Like Derek Nimmo, wearing my frilly knickers!

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Clement has a point there and there are 13 seconds left for some people's frilly knickers that they... I'm sorry! Some things people get up to, Clement, starting now.

CF: Plymouth Argyle Football team recently got up to Carlisle in order to...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: I withdraw it. I thought he said Argyle, but he said Carlisle. Twice, not Argyle Argyle or Carlisle Carlisle. And so it was a total totally wrong challenge and I do apologise to Mr Freud and his wife if she happens to be here.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: An absolute charming and beautifully done. But we've got to be fair in this game Derek, and you came in because you thought you had a clever challenge there and you didn't. So I have to give a point to Clement Freud...

DN: I'm not worried, I'm not disputing! Give him a point! I'm happy for him to have a point!

NP: Oh the gallantry of them are so little... so lacking on most occasions. Eight seconds for things some people get up to Clement starting now.

CF: On the journey north, the team stopped at Crewe and got out and had cups...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: This isn't about getting up to anything, this is about train travel.

NP: Yes that's quite true. Can you justify it Clement, very rapidly? No you can't, Kenneth has a point, there are four seconds for things some people get up to Kenneth starting now.

KW: Balloons and helicopters and of course Boeings...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round, one person has a lead of one over all the rest. It is Kenneth Williams!

KW: Oh good! Oh!

NP: Derek will you begin the next round, a nice delightful subject, taking a Turkish bath. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well of course, it's terribly difficult to take a Turkish bath, principally because of the weight involved. Now I know of one in Jermond Street which I think is suitable for a quick theft. The way I would go about it actually is to come along with a very high movable crane and a large pantechnicon van. And I would suspend the crane over the top of the Turkish bath, possibly on Christmas Day when there'd be few people inside and that would keep the contents down...

BUZZ

NP: Moira why have you challenged?

ML: Deviation, it's entirely impossible to lift a Turkish bath, it's built in.

NP: Quite right, Moira you have a point and there are 35 seconds for taking a Turkish bath starting now.

ML: Well I just lie in it for hours on end. I feel the sweat pouring off my brow...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Repetition, hours on end.

ML: Oh!

NP: All right Kenneth, i give you one point for cleverness and I keep the subject with Moira Lister, 31 seconds Moira for taking a Turkish bath starting now.

ML: And as each drop of sweat pours from me, I... bid...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation alas Moira. So Clement has another point and there are 23 seconds for taking a Turkish bath, Clement starting now.

CF: There tend in Turkish baths to be three rooms of differing temperatures. And one progresses from one to the next. And in the end when you're in the hottest room of all, you lie with towels draped around you and you have to be very careful not to touch the wood which becomes increasingly hot as you stay there and almost unbearable to the human skin. It tends...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, he hasn't got human skin!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Do I give you a bonus point for rudery or what? I think it is...

DN: I don't mind what you do, it was worth saying, wasn't it!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well all right, what I'll do is I won't score any points because it was a good joke, and say that Clement Freud has four seconds to continue with taking a Turkish bath starting now.

CF: There are scales all over so you can weigh yourself in case...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement was speaking when the whistle went, he gets another point and it means that he's now in the lead alongside Kenneth Williams at the end of that round. Moira Lister will you begin the next round please, what can be crammed into a minute. What an apt subject for this show. Will you try and talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

ML: Well my last moment has come. I was in a tent in the jungle, and there were animals all round me. And I woke up and I saw this tremendous skin next to my face. A green slimy ghastly breathing animal was right next to me. And I thought this is the moment. At the end of all now, what am I going to do? if I jump from this bed at the moment, it is the enormous snake that is going to bite me and put its enormous fangs into me. What can I do? I lay there, the sweat pouring from my bow. And I thought if I jump at this second, it'll turn and that'll be the end of me. So I lay there panting, thinking all the time of the things that I'd done...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of panting.

NP: As she's repeated everything else, I'm not going to award it to you! So Moira has another point and she carries on with her panting for another 35 seconds starting now.

ML: And I thought of all the terrible things that I'd done to everybody. I thought of all the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of terrible things.

NP: Yes, I've already established she's already repeated other things, so she can go on repeating them. Twenty-three seconds for Moira to continue...

ML: All the laughs that I have pinched from Derek Nimmo, in the plays that we've done together. All the times that I've paged them. All the times that I've worked with Kenneth Williams and have let him take the laughs...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: This is nothing to do with things you can cram into a minute!

ML: It is!

KW: It's becoming a sort of public confession!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: But she is cramming everything into this particular minute...

ML: That's right!

NP: ...so Moira Lister has another point and there are 15 seconds for what can be crammed into a minute Moira starting now.

ML: And as I looked at that animal next to me, I thought now this is the end. The end has come, I must jump from this...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo, why have you challenged?

ML: End! End!

DN: Repetition of a challenge that won't be accepted! Repetition!

NP: Well as I haven't been able to award it to you before, I think on this particular occasion she's cramming everything into a minute including repetition, deviation and hesitation. And I've established that so you must keep going for another 10 seconds on what can be crammed into a minute starting now.

ML: I jumped out of the bed and I looked round. What do I see? Nothing but an enormous great bullfrog, opposite the door. And I'm saying...

WHISTLE

NP: By some rather devious means I managed to establish that in that particular subject, what could be crammed into a minute, you could cram in hesitation, repetition and deviation. And Moira Lister was extremely clever, she crammed them in many many times. And she's to be congratulated. As she spoke when the whistle went she gets another point...

ML: Oh you're very kind!

NP: She is actually in third place now. Just ahead of Derek, but Clement and Kenneth are still in the lead. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is frogs, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: These are possibly the most edible green things that hop about in the fields. Known in the French culinary language as renouie. The leg is eaten more commonly than the rest of the body and ideally tis is taken off the... outer...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, he didn't quite know how to get it off, did he! So there are 43 seconds left for frogs Kenneth starting now.

KW: Moreover what Clement Freud said is strictly inaccurate. Because he said you could eat a leg. If that is true, you'd obviously have a limping frog somewhere...

BUZZ

NP: Moira why have you...

KW: ...and that would be prosecuted by the RSPCA!

NP: Why have you challenged Moira?

ML: Stumbling over his words.

NP: No, no, I thought you were saying deviation. Kenneth you have another point, there are 25 seconds left for frogs starting now.

KW: Then of course there are those you get in your throat as well as those you stick a sword through. Those are used quite long, costume place. And they say "oh where is my..." referring to it you see, which I'm not going to do now, otherwise they'd get me on the challenge. And then there's another kind of frog again. It's a sort of nickname they give to Frenchmen...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went, he gains yet another point and gives him a very definite lead over all of the others at the end of that round. And Kenneth it's your turn to begin the next round. And the subject that Ian Messiter's thought of happens to be rather apt at this moment. It's called being sent up. So will you try and talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This has happened to me quite a lot. And... there are...

BUZZ

NP: Moira why have you challenged?

ML: Hesitation.

NP: Do you think there was a hesitation, listeners? If you agree will you cheer, if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CF: Boo!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Moira Lister they agree with you.

ML: Oh thank you!

NP: You have a point and there are 55 seconds for being sent up Moira starting now.

ML: I have absolutely no idea what it means by being sent up but I shall try to defend the subject. I suppose this happens to actors as with Kenneth Williams, when he's doing something peculiar on a stage or in a television show. And so the audience therefore say "let us do just what we've said to Kenneth Williams by..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of Kenneth Williams.

NP: Yes you cannot have too much of Kenneth Williams at this particular point, so actually repetition. Clement you have another point, 38 seconds left for being sent up Clement starting now.

CF: This means quite literally to be put into a container and lifted to some higher floor. One could be sent up in a lift, in a packing case, or in a partiloster which od the conveyor belt containing cubicles into which one gets to rise to a higher level than the one from which you came. In the theatre...

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I quite agree Derek, there are 18 seconds for being sent up starting now.

DN: You see, when I look at him across the table, I say "go on! Sucks to you! Go on! Clear off, you great big softie!" And that's what's being called sent up. And he knows that people shout all the time...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, you got in with exactly the same challenge, you have the subject back, nine seconds, being sent up starting now.

CF: (silent for about five seconds, with sound of laughter in the background) So having passed that much time without anyone challenging me at all, I thought I would say "go ahead, my name..."

WHISTLE

NP: That was the most interesting silence we've ever had on Just A Minute!

ML: Nobody challenged him!

NP: Actually eight seconds went by, nobody said anything and nobody challenged. But anyway Clement got a point at the end of that round, because he was speaking. He's now in second place but Kenneth is very definitely still in the lead. Moira Lister will you begin the next round, and it's a very pat one for someone who's in their first time on the programme. I might tell you Moira, you are in a very commanding third place, you're doing jolly well for a first time. And this subject is getting a break. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

ML: The first break I got was actually in my right arm. I used to play with my two elder sisters who used to play a game of Witchy and I was the good fairy. They used to tie a rope round me and throw me over the balcony of a two-storey house that we used to live in, as a great game. But this particular day that we were playing it, the telephone actually rang in the middle of the game, and so they rang...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Game has been mentioned before.

NP: It has been mentioned, alas. So there are 38 seconds for getting a break Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well getting a break means, I presume, an opportunity which when you're given it you have the chance to do something which ordinarily would never have presented itself to you! And so consequently you say thereafter "oh what a wonderful period that was in my life! That was my big moment! And then I went out there on to that stage, look at the reaction to me! They got up in their seats and they knocked on my door and made me a very nice proposition..."

WHISTLE

NP: Well that is a good moment to say that is the end of this edition of Just A Minute. Because Kenneth Williams was not only getting a break, he was demonstrating how to get a break. He took his break in both hands. He not only had a lead before, he finished up with a commanding lead and he's undoubtedly the winner this week of Just A Minute!

KW: Oh so lovely!

NP: Only one or two points separated Moira Lister, Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo who were second, third and fourth respectively. And that, I'm afraid, is the end of Just A Minute and from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.