NOTE: Linda Cobley's first appearance blowing the whistle.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! Yes!


NP: Thank you, thank you. Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons and as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world to this delightful game. And I'm also delighted to say that this is the first in a brand new series of Just A Minute. And it's also my pleasure to welcome back four outstanding players of the game. From the world of comedy, we have the delightful outrageous Paul Merton, the charmingly witty Julian Clary. And from the world of theatre, the irrepressibly witty exuberant Derek Nimmo. And from the world of journalism, politics and culinary matters, the multi-facetted Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them. as usual I'm going to ask them to speak if they can on a subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Linda Cobley, who's going to help me keep the score and blow her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the magnificent Theatre Royal, a beautiful theatre right in the centre of the city of Bath. And before us we have a very excited, hyped up, Bath audience. And the first subject is Bath Oliver. Isn't that delightful? Paul Merton, will you take this subject, Bath Oliver. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PAUL MERTON: Many of you might be fans of the Laurel and Hardy films. I was reading something rather interesting about these movies the other day. You have these bits towards the end of each motion picture, where Oliver Hardy looks into th er...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.


PM: Yes.

NP: Yes there were two Hardies so that is repetition. So Clement, sorry love, it's Derek.

DN: Derek.

NP: That's right, yes.

PM: Have you not been introduced?

NP: Derek you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course, you take over the subject. There are 47 seconds left and it is Bath Oliver starting now.

DN: Well these are these wonderful biscuits that were invented by Doctor Oliver that are supposed to cure your liver. And when the poor old fellow who was a physician snuffed it, he left the recipe to his coachman, Mister Atkins. And he nipped along to a handily adjacent man who could make these bits of confectionery and made an absolute packet out of it. I also think of Bath Oliver because of the pub in Broad Street called Oliver, which I go to a great deal, because they make a very mean margarita. Third cointreau, similar amount of tequila and some lime juice. And I bunged it down my throat at Bath Oliver's. I do think it is a particularly welcoming hostelry in the city of such splendour...


NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.


NP: Why?

CF: Bath is not a city, it's a town.


PM: Can I just say there hasn't been a reaction in a theatre like that since Abraham Lincoln last attended!

NP: Is that why that box is empty over there?

PM: I think so! It's a tribute to him!

NP: Right! Clement you have four seconds, having got a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, Bath Oliver starting now.

CF: Bath Oliver like Liverpool Nimmo is a confection which I would...


NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud so you'll be pleased to discover he's in the lead at the end of that round. Derek would you take the next subject, it's called manners. I'm sure something you know a great deal about it. Would you talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Manners is the family name of the Dukes of Rutland, who live at Belvoir Castle in the fair country of Rutlandshire. Manners is something also you try to teach to your children. I have had a son who's married to a very pretty girl called Marina. Her parents live in Bath, her surname is Flood. And I tried to teach him manners when he was little which was frightfully difficult. Because I noticed one day he was wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and I said "that is disgusting, why don't you use... something else?" He said "no because..."


DN: What?

NP: Paul you challenged, what was it?

PM: I've forgotten, to be honest!

NP: I will tell you it was hesitation.

PM: It was hesitation, was it? Oh.

NP: Correct challenge of hesitation. And the subject is manners and there are 31 seconds left starting now.

PM: Lady Chatterley was looking for a new chauffeur and she decided to employ the first man that came to visit her that morning. In fact his name was Mellors which was unfortunate because there was a Stan Manners outside who would equally have dome the job very well I'm sure. But for the fact that he hadn't got there on time. She was a scrupulously difficult employer was the woman I mentioned earlier, because she used to insist that she would have a bath with her friend Oliver every morning about half past 11. And of course this put an enormous strain on the...


NP: Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. So he's now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. Julian Clary, your turn to begin, rank outsiders. Ah that is the subject, can you talk on it for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

JULIAN CLARY: Certainly can. Um, an outsider ah...


NP: Derek challenged you.

JC: Ah a hesitation?

CF: Boo! Boo!

DN: The answer was he couldn't, but ah...

NP: Derek, Julian has only played the game twice before and you have been playing it for years...

DN: First time in England too!

NP: And so I'm not going to allow that one, and say Julian you were interrupted, it was the first time back after a two-year absence from the show. So you have a point for being interrupted, you keep the subject, there are 58 seconds to go, rank outsiders starting now.

JC: A rank outsider is an outsider with a personal hygiene problem! I think to be an outsider is bad enough but to be a rank outsider must be terrible. The good thing about being a rank outsider is it gives you the opportunity to come from behind! Which er...


JC: ...in my experience is not to be sniffed at, if you follow my drift. I used to play a lot of rugby when I was at school and I was a rank outsider because I never got anywhere near the ball at all. On one occasion the ball just landed in my...


NP: Derek has challenged, yes?

JC: Ball.

DN: Well I hate to say it, but two balls!


NP: And strangely enough, you can't have two balls in Just A Minute because that becomes repetition. Twenty-six seconds are available Derek, rank outsiders with you starting now.

DN: I was given a horse called Dig Up St Edmonds which I was told was a rank outsider by a distinguished member of this panel. In fact the gee-gee came into...


DN: Oh gee-gee.

NP: Clement Freud... yes Clement?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes that's right. The audience even got it before you pressed your buzzer. Fifteen seconds for you Clement with another point of course, rank outsider starting now.

CF: If you wanted me to cite a rank outsider, a pilot officer, a second lieutenant, even lance-corporal is the sort of rank outside which it would be hard to get. Unless one had no rank at all...


NP: Paul Merton has challenged.

PM: What's he talking about?


PM: I'm big enough to admit that I'm lost completely!

NP: It's what I call a little Freud hyperbole which I don't think really, it's sort of deviating from the er what is an outsider...

PM: Well...

CF: Why?

NP: Well no, no, you see, those people who hold those rank don't think they're rank outsiders. If you think that they're rank outsiders, I mean, you can't make that half and half...

PM: Nicholas, you've understood more than I have!

NP: In that case I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you have a point and one second to go on rank outsider, Paul, starting now.

PM: Well of course...


NP: Paul Merton was again speaking as the whistle went, and has moved forward. He's just in the lead ahead of Clement Freud and then Derek Nimmo and Julian Clary in that order. Clement your turn to begin. Would you take the subject of gratuities and tell us something about it in this game starting now.

CF: A gratuity is money and/or benefit, paid in order to obtain better service than you might otherwise get. Ten percent, 12 and a half, even 15 is the sort of figures that are occasionally added to accounts to pay to those people whose job it is and who are given money in order to perform them.


NP: That was all you had to say on it, was it Clement?

CF: For the moment!

NP: That's right.

CF: I may be back.

NP: Derek got in first, hesitation, gratuities is with you Derek and there are 35 seconds to go starting now.

DN: Well when Tommy Cooper was getting out of a taxi, he handed the driver a tea bag and said "have a drink on me", which I always thought was a particularly mean gratuity for anyone to give, even such a wonderfully accomplished amusing comedian as the aforementioned Mister TC. I don't like having to give gratuities in restaurants. I think it's much better to do as the French do and include it in the bill. It's terribly difficult when you've had absolutely ghastly...


NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: Did he sort of trip over his words then?

NP: Yes he often trips over his words. But I mean ah...

JC: You just turn a blind eye?

NP: Well...

DN: Like we do when you don't start!

JC: We're not getting on at all well!


NP: I think that, I think that facetious remark of Derek's means that you should have the benefit of the doubt here Julian and take the subject with seven seconds to go on gratuities starting now.

JC: I always like to give a large tip, especially if I'm in a Greek restaurant and there's a Greek waiter who looks like he might be hung...


NP: Um Derek challenged.

DN: Two Greek waiters.

NP: Two Greeks, yes.

JC: Oh what a lovely idea!


NP: Derek you've got in... you see, you lose the subject and you gain extra points, don't you because you got back in with one second to go on gratuities starting now.

DN: Mr Charles Courtland who employs me...


NP: Right so at the end of that round Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went and we now come back to Julian who begins the next round. The subject Julian is the press. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

JC: The Press is an obscure underground film which concerns itself with sexual activity on underground trains...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He was underground twice.

JC: He was yes.

NP: He went too underground.

JC: Isn't it difficult.

NP: it is difficult, it's a difficult game Julian, yes.

DN: Yes.

NP: Fifty-three seconds for you Derek, the press starting now.

DN: Noel Coward was once asked by The Sun newspaper what he would like to say to them and he said "shine". Which always seemed to me to be a reasonable remark...


NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Deviation, that's the wrong story.

DN: What was it then?

PM: He said, it was a paper called The Star and they said "have you got anything to say to the star and he said "yes, twinkle".

NP: That is absolutely correct, that is what he did say and he's quoted as that. So you were deviating in the fact you were misquoting...

DN: It is actually a true quote.

PM: You mean he used the same joke twice?

NP: Ah, so I agree with you, he did say twinkle to The Star and you have 43 seconds on the press Paul starting now.

PM: When we think of the wonderful achievements throughout all the towns of this city, is there a greater sense of wonder than what's come out of the city of Corby, the trouser press we see in our hotel rooms. Has anyone ever used one? I never have, they're quite good for keeping your toast warm in the morning! You put on some jam and stick it in the middle of this machine and it is indeed kept to a mildly lukewarm temperature throughout the entire AM period of the day. And also I think what we generally...


NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Repetition of think, and the trouser press is not made in Corby, they're made in Windsor.


NP: Well you get one point for a correct challenge of repetition but I don't give you another one for cleverness. Um, 16 seconds for you Clement on the press starting now.

CF: In the west country, a press would be thought to be a cider press where cider inside her inside...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Cider.

NP: He had too much cider Derek, so eight seconds for you on the press starting now.

DN: A washerwoman was attacked by a sex maniac and he fled away and the headline the next day was "washer..."


NP: What was the headline?

DN: Oh Lord! Nut... "Nut screws washer and bolts!"

NP: It's a bit of an anticlimax if you don't build up naturally to the payoff isn't it. But you were speaking as the whistle went, you gain an extra point for doing so. You've moved forward Derek, you're still behind Paul Merton who's in the lead. Clement we're with you to start, taking the waters. Oh how apt for this lovely lovely place of Bath. Taking the waters, Clement, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The French have a thing about their livers, as a consequence of which Perrier, Evian, Vetel, Vichy and Contrexville are places to which Frenchmen go a lot and take the waters. They walk around carrying a glass, holding it up to the sun and the stars if it is the evening. And if it's after 1964 when the aforementioned newspaper first hit the light of day. And they feel that taking the waters is enormously beneficial to their insides, better than cider which is drunk in the west country a lot. And I know that Bath has a tremendous reputation for the waters. If you read jane Austen you find that all sorts of people from different parts of the country, also Scotland... gathered...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Sadly that was hesitation.

NP: Sadly it was, because he magnificently went for 55 seconds!

PM: Oh!


NP: And that's what can happen in Just a Minute, you go as strongly as that for nearly the whole, and he doesn't get any points at all, unless he gets back in five seconds time. But Paul got in, a point for a correct challenge and five seconds on taking the waters starting now.

PM: I suppose there are a lot of people who regard taking the waters as one of the healthiest...


NP: So Paul Merton got that extra point and now has increased his lead at the end of the round. Oh what a lovely subject, my worst nightmare. Paul I think you can do justice to that one in this game starting now.

PM: Well I've been having my worst nightmares funnily enough in the last week because in a few days time I will be going back to the world of stand-up comedy that I haven't done for about 10 years. And I've had these terrible dreams where I am standing on stage and I haven't got a clue what I'm going to say next. Nobody is laughing and so i say to the audience "does anybody here have a question?" And I know that if I oh oooh!


NP: Julian!

PM: I started to think about it and it's horrible!

JC: He hesitated.

NP: He did hesitate, didn't he. And there are 38 seconds for Julian to tell us something about my worst nightmare starting now.

JC: My worst nightmare would be when they ran out of baby sham in my local hostelry. What would I drink to wet my whistle when I go home after a long day's work at the...


PM: A long day's work? When have you ever done a long day's work?


NP: What are you challenging for Derek?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No!

DN: And also if he'd gone...

NP: The audience have endorsed it...

DN: If they'd run out of baby sham in his hostelry...

NP: He laughed at his won slip-up...

DN: If he went home to drink it, he wouldn't have brought it anyway, would he?

NP: But that would be deviation...

DN: Oh all right.

NP: ...so it's nothing to do with, you said hesitation. So Julian you have another point for an incorrect challenge and you have 28 seconds to tell us more about my worst nightmare starting now.

JC: I woke up in a cold sweat because I couldn't taste those bubbles in the back of my throat. I thought this can't go on! What am i going to do? So I went to the beautiful city of Bath and ...


JC: ...and consoled myself. Because they've got some lovely pubs there and they're full of baby sham, to the very...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Too much baby sham.

NP: You had too much baby sham.

JC: Oh it's not possible!

NP: I know! Twelve seconds are left, my worst nightmare starting now.

CF: To talk of my worst nightmare presupposes that one can have a best nightmare which I personally would not accept. My worst nightmare therefore is the sort of thing...


NP: Right so Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went. Julian Clary we're back with you and the subject is urban myths. Can you tell us something about that in your baby sham besotted life...

JC: Besotted?

NP: Besotted! Sixty seconds starting now.

JC: An urban myth about me is that I'm married with three children! It's certainly not true! The actual basis of urban myths are a mystery, it's a kind of um fact...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! Of course not!


NP: And the audience have endorsed it once again! Julian you have another point and you have 50 seconds, urban myths starting now.

JC: There are them as do say Cliff Richard has got a colostophy bag! And this is another example of an urban myth. The man has got a colostophy bag...



NP: That's how you have to try and say one of those things, rather than repeating the phrase.

JC: Yeah, I'm getting the hang of it now!

NP: Paul you challenged first, urban myths, 42 seconds starting now.

PM: Well the source of urban myths is very difficult to determine. It's usually a friend of a pal that it's happened to. Oh I was on holiday on safari when this mad axeman cut off the head of a warder in the park and held it above the car. And when you actually question the original source... I said source before!


NP: Clement you have a correct challenge, there are 22 seconds available, urban myths is the subject, you start now.

CF: In my local hostelry which is called The Nine Naked Geriatrics, there is a man who is hot on urban myths. His favourite story is about a man on safari...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Ah two mans. Man and man.

NP: Yes that's right, repetition of man. So Paul you got in with eight seconds on urban myths starting now.

PM: If you really examine these stories, there is a man called...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of stories.

NP: Yes you did have stories before.

PM: Did I?

NP: Oh yes.

CF: Absolutely.

NP: And so Clement it's with you, six seconds to go on urban myths starting now.

CF: A Rolls-Royce bought on the 19th of any calendar month is the urban myth's habit...


NP: Right, at the end of that round Paul Merton has increased his lead. He's in a strong position ahead of the other three who are almost equal in second place. Clement we're into the last round...


NP: Why did they laugh I wonder?

PM: It's always been a mystery!

NP: That's a lovely audience. The last laugh, what a wonderful subject on which to finish the show. Clement it's your turn so tell us something about the last laugh in this game starting now.

CF: The last laugh is a wonderful subject on which to finish this show, says Nicholas Parsons. And I can't say I agree. Because the last laugh...


NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged.

DN: Well he stopped.

NP: He did stop yes, because there was a laugh. But it wasn't the last laugh because we hope we're going to have some more in this round as you continue with 53 seconds starting now.

DN: I must say to have the last laugh is a wonderful thing. He who laughs last laughs longest, so they say. And as I...

NP: Paul you've challenged.

PM: Repetition of laughs.

NP: Yes the subject on the card is last laugh and you said laughs twice.


NP: Don't look at me so surprised Derek, I can assure you you did do that. Actually I must explain to the listeners sometimes when they've made a challenge and they disagree with me, they stare at me as if to bluff me out of it and that's what that sort of...

DN: We're looking, we're looking at you with contempt!


NP: I don't know why the audience applaud that! Right, correct, laughs, repetition, 42 seconds, the last laugh with you Paul starting now.

PM: It's the title of a fairly well-known German silent film, The Last Laugh. Starred an actor called Emil Jannings who made the er career in...


NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Well he was just about to hesitate wasn't he?

NP: He did hesitate.

JC: Oh he did.

PM: Are we accepting psychic challenges?


PM: About to hesitate?

NP: No what I think you meant was that the, you were going to get in first because you realised he was hesitating. But well done, he did hesitate! And we're going to hear from everybody in this last round on the last laugh, and 34 seconds for you Julian, the last laugh starting now.


NP: Ah who challenged? Paul?

PM: Repetition of tortoise.


NP: If you keep up this peculiar ploy...

PM: It's a psychic challenge!

NP: Well he hasn't said it yet...

PM: Well he hasn't, otherwise that robs the psychic nature of it, if I wait till he says it!

NP: Give him a bonus point, but a point to Julian because he was interrupted, 33 seconds, the last laugh starting now.

JC: I know some very good jokes about tortoises but I'm not going to do them now!


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Well he's not talking about the subject, he's talking about tortoises. I know some very good jokes about tortoises but I'm not going to talk about them now. He's not talking about the subject.

NP: But he could have been going on to say...

DN: Oh could he?

NP: ...that this was going to be the last laugh.

JC: Yes!

NP: And there was a last laugh.

JC: There was!

NP: And Paul's bonus point got a big laugh when he said about tortoises you see. So he got a big laugh and that was the last laugh in this particular show. So Julian didn't deviate then so...

PM: He only has to say tortoises once more and everybody's going to be really amazed!

NP: Twenty-nine seconds with another point for you Julian, the last laugh starting now.

JC: Here we are in the last round of the show, and I'm having the last laugh. Because I've got about 12 points and I've never won a game!


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I'd just like him to have another point!


NP: If you keep this up, he's going to win, you know! Another point to Julian Clary, 21 seconds left, the last laugh Julian, starting now.

JC: It's hillarious, the last laugh, because I'm overcome with people's kindness. And you're so kind, it's making me laugh. You think wouldn't it be incredible if I got to the end of this round without being interrupted with no-one lunging for the buzzer, like you all do, morning, noon and night on this game. Nicholas, as you know, has lovely teeth. They must have cost a fortune! And that girl next to him never says anything! It really is a laugh!


NP: Well Julian you brought that round to an end with style and panache. And as you saw from the audience response with great affection from them. And you have leapt, leapt forward. Because I now have to give the final situation. Derek Nimmo who's been known to win many times in 32 years, came in fourth place for once. Sir Clement Freud, who's also won many times, because he's one of the regulars as well, came in third place. And in second place, somebody who's only played the game twice before, it was Julian Clary. A round of applause for Julian! A magnificent effort on your return, Julian. But ahead of you was the man who had the most points so we say he is the winner this week, it is the irrepressible Paul Merton! Well it only remains for me to say thank you to these four great players of the game, Paul Merton, Julian Clary, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. I'd also like to thank Linda Cobley for keeping the score for me and blowing the whistle so elegantly every time the 60 seconds was up. We also thank our producer Chris Neill who keeps us in order and sees that it all comes together in the end very very well. And also we must thank Ian Messiter who thought of and created the game and keeps us all in work. And we are so delighted here with this wonderful reception we've had from this marvellous audience here in this lovely city, cathedral town, abbey town of Bath. The warmth of your reception makes us feel we must come back again. On behalf of me Nicholas Parsons and all the rest of the team we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then good-bye!