JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,TBeverley
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and TEDDIE BEVERLEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 October 1969)

NOTE: Teddie Beverley's only appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Teddie Beverley in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome to the game to speak up for the ladies Teddie Beverley and I hope she can speak up well against these three old lags at the game. The rules are as before. I'm going to ask one to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating in any way from the subject if they can. If the others think they've failed, they will press their buzzer and challenge them. And if I uphold the challenge, then they will gain a point and take over the subject and the remaining 60 seconds. And if I don't uphold the challenge, then whoever is speaking will gain a point and continue with the subject. That is the way we score, that is the way we endeavour to play the game. The rest should become evident as we continue. And let us start with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It looks as if it is going to be your day today Kenneth! Kenneth the subject for you is the things I say. Can you speak for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Some of the things I say are curiously idiosyncratic. I have made expressions like "your actual" really quite famous. And I'm almost known for "your actual". Many people have said "whenever I hear you, I always think of your actual!"

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of your actual.

NP: Yes well that is perfectly correct, he said your actual three times. So Derek Nimmo has gained a point and there are 42 seconds left for him...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes Kenneth Williams feels very hurt about this. He had so much more to say. But I'm afraid that the rules are the rules and Derek Nimmo you have 42 seconds for the things I say starting now.

DN: Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. There came a big spider and sat down...

BUZZ

NP: Teddie Beverley you challenged, why?

TEDDIE BEVERLEY: I'm not altogether sure you're saying. You're reciting, aren't you?

KW: Ooohhhhh yes! Brilliant!

NP: That is our new girl jumping in right at the beginning and getting a very well-deserved point. Teddie there are 34 seconds left, the things I say, starting now.

TB: Yes well I'm not sure I'm going to say anything either. I think I'll sing as you recited. But the things I say, I'm afraid, are all really rather silly you know. Seeing as I'm a lady I say things like "how do you do" when I meet people. I say "good-bye" when I leave them. I say "good morning" when I wake up in the morning, and I say "good night" at night...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Good, good, good, good, good!

KW: Oh no, they were attached to another word.

NP: Ah yes there was a...

TB: No, is good morning a word, and good night a word?

NP: No I'm afraid they are two separate words, yes. Some people do hyphenate them but I think within the rules of the game it is absolutely correct so Clement Freud has a point and there are 18 seconds left for the things I say Clement starting now.

CF: The things I say to my bank manager are "please could I have some more money?"

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, the things I say, not the things I say to my bank manager.

NP: Well I'm afraid, you know, one takes the subject, the things I say, and you can say it to anybody. So I'm afraid Clement Freud has another point and he has 13 seconds left for the things I say starting now.

CF: Two pints of milk, one yoghurt and three pints...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, he couldn't possibly say that to his bank manager!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: He might...

CF: I might bank with my milkman!

NP: He might, but none of us believe it! So Derek Nimmo you have another point because your challenge is correct. There are 10 seconds left for the things I say starting now.

DN: When I get up in the morning I say "round about the houses lived a little bear. The bear's name was Teddy, and what..."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Two bears.

NP: Clement Freud you listened so well, another point to you Clement, five seconds left, the things I say starting now.

CF: A five pound note, and three pounds in silver...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Two pounds.

CF: Five pounds!

NP: Kenneth Williams has a point...

KW: Oh!

NP: Kenneth you have a point, and Kenneth Williams continues with teh subject for three seconds on the things I say starting now.

KW: Well they include "here, stop messing about!" I've often...

WHISTLE

NP: You know Kenneth Williams started with the subject. I'm sure he was dying to get back...

KW: I should have had it all the time!

NP: Yes I know!

KW: Everyone was waiting for me!

NP: Building up to (impression of Kenneth Williams's snide voice) stop messing about!

KW: Did I win?

NP: Yes! Kenneth, no, where are we? Oh yes, the score at the end of the round...

KW: Have I won?

NP: No... We've got six more rounds to go yet Kenneth. Can you stay with us?

KW: Well am I in the lead?

NP: Ah, no, you're in second place.

KW: Here! You sure?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh yes!

NP: I er...

KW: It's not bad, is it!

NP: Not bad, no. I must explain to our listeners that Kenneth Williams was so disbelieving, he had to leave his chair at the other side of the stage, and rush up to mine to make sure. But Ian Messiter scores very very well. Clement Freud is one point leading over Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. And they one point lead over Teddie Beverley. How exciting at this point, isn't it. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, it's a long one.

DN: Oh dear!

NP: What to look for in a good second-hand car. Have you established that long thought Derek Nimmo? Because we'd like you to try and talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

DN: Well of course it really depends, what to look for in a good second-hand car, how good it is. Now if you've got a Rolls Royce the most important thing to do...

BUZZ

NP: Teddie Beverley you've challenged, why?

TB: Did he not say good twice?

NP: Yes but, but it's a good second-hand car. It's on the card so he's allowed to say it. So Derek Nimmo has another point, he has 52 seconds left for what to look for in a good second-hand car starting now.

DN: Having seen one of the afore-mentioned machines, I leaped into the back seat, tear it up and look for half crowns. Now you'll be surprised how many you find. Occasionally threepenny pieces. And then another thing to look for is a carpet. Now if a carpet is good and clean, you will be lost for words as I am at this moment...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, yes. He's lost for words by hos own admission. Clement Freud has another point and there are 26 seconds for what to look for in a good second-hand car starting now.

CF: The most important thing to look for in a second-hand car is the engine. Because they have this nasty habit of hardly going...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, by definition it couldn't be a good second-hand car, if it didn't have an engine.

NP: Yes but you see we've also established that it is second-hand.

DN: It can't be a a good second-hand car unless it had an engine.

CF: My very point!

NP: It could be a good ...

CF: The exact point!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I maintain in spite of what the audience say that a second-hand car could be good, the condition could be good, but the engine could not be good. You see, second-hand means it is not new, it is not good in that sense. So I am still with Clement Freud who has another point and has 20 seconds left for the subject starting now.

CF: Danish blue cheese sandwiches are a great...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you've challenged, why?

KW: Deviation, we're not having anything about a good second-hand car! Danish blue cheese sandwiches! Load of rubbish!

NP: Kenneth Williams you have a point and you have er 16 seconds left for Danish blue cheese sandwiches... no...

KW: No! That's not the subject! Go on!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud is threatening Kenneth Williams with a very early challenge with his buzzer right beneath his nose! We'll see how Kenneth Williams stands up to this intimidation as he continues talking for 16 seconds on what to look for in a good second-hand car starting now.

KW: I wouldn't have a car on my first hand, let alone my second hand! I don't need them in any way. But if I were looking for anything in such a vehicle, I would certainly have a good look at the interior mechanism. When you lift the bonnet, you can always tell straight away whether it has been well...

WHISTLE

NP: I'm sure that all the followers of Kenneth Williams will be surprised to hear that he's now in second place behind Derek Nimmo...

KW: Oh lovely! Nice isn't it!

NP: Clement Freud it's your turn, will you begin the next round, the dog next door. What a marvellous subject. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The dog next door is a cross between a Great Dane and a Pekinese. And many people passing by wonder how it was possible to achieve such an exit. Our neighbours who are proprietors of this animal...

BUZZ

NP: Teddie Beverley why have you challenged?

TB: Don't you think there's some deviation there?

NP: I think there was a lot of deviation. I think to be fair within this game, Clement Freud was about to try and explain so what I must do is give you a bonus point for a clever challenge and leave the subject with Clement Freud, with 46 seconds left, the dog next door starting now.

CF: When Mr and Mrs Featherstone who live in the house to our right are asked...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: I doubt if Mrs Featherstone is a dog! Deviation!

NP: But they might be the owners of the dog. I don't think he quite justified the situation. That was a too abrupt challenge, you must give someone a chance.

DN: Oh I'm so sorry!

NP: So Clement Freud has another point on that situation and there are 42 seconds left for the dog next door starting now.

CF: Asked to explain how this strange marriage came about, they'd bring a six foot box and say that this is how it happened. And this box is very well-known in the neighbourhood and it's called the mating block. The Great Dane who was the father of the afore-mentioned anuimal barks all night. This is boring and tired-making and many of us...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you...

DN: I think it's totally disgusting! Absolute vintage Freud filth!

NP: I think it's devious but also he hesiatted right then!

DN: Hesitation as well!

TB: Yes!

KW: You've got to abide by the rules, haven't you.

NP: Yes. Well all right he got in on two points. Derek Nimmo you have a point, there are 17 seconds left for the dog next door starting now.

DN: The dog next door to me is a thoroughbred British bulldog of splendour, unique. He goes out every morning with a Union Jack coat on his bed, led by a red, white and blue lead. He goes along the street with his head held high...

WHISTLE

NP: I suppose there are different ways of playing to the audience, and Derek Nimmo's got a very good one. Appealing to their British instincts. Tremendous round of applause and Derek gets a bonus point at the end, no, not a bonus point, an extra point. For those who may be listening for the first time, if I haven't established it, whoever is speaking when the whistle goes telling us that 60 seconds are up. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round and try and talk for 60 seconds on the subject of winkles, starting now.

KW: They are not a food I would care to eat myself. But I do know people whho enjoy them enormously. And one particular friend of mine used to take great pleasure in taking the tin, and pulling them out and piling them up in this grotesque method on a plate with all the empty shells beside. And these things laying there looked horrible! I used to sit there. How can you eat them? I don't know! They look like worms on your plate. How can you eat? "oh nutrition," he said. "Every one of these contains your essential vitamins. You could live off them and if you drunk champagne with it, you'd have all your necessary protein to keep you in good health, and body fibres, limbs, stout of wind, wind of lere... oh...

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh dear! Stout of limb and then...

KW: I know!

NP: It was lovely though, wasn't it! The audience showed their appreciation. You went for 45 seconds without being interrupted, that's jolly good.

KW: Oh! Yes! Who challenged?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of wind, yes.

NP: Oh yes and you've challenged for what? I have to establish it with the listeners because...

CF: Repetition.

NP: ...people do write in sometimes and say why. And we can't remember a long time later. So Clement Freud you have another point, you have 15 seconds left for winkles starting now.

CF: I can't get my winkle out, oh isn't it...

SCREAMS OF LAUGHTER

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Vintage Freudian filth!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think to be fair to Clement Freud, you can't challenge for filth. So Clement Freud has another point and he continues for the next 13 seconds on winkles starting now.

CF: Oh isn't it a doer?
I can't get it out with an old bent pin,
Has anyone here got a skewer?
These are the words of an early Victorian song called Winkles, which was sung at Southend...

WHISTLE

NP: Well for the sake of good taste, I was so pleased that Clement Freud was able to go back and continue what he started to say. Clement Freud with his little dissertation on winkles ahs gone into the lead. And Teddie Beverley will you begin the next round, how to be good Teddie. That's the subject and will you start now.

TB: Ah yes, well, do you mean pure like Derek Nimmo here? Or do you mean good at it, like Kenneth Williams would have us believe. You see to be good, I would say for a girl, would be to see a mink coat in a shop window and start saving up for it. And then of course, it depends what you mean by good. Because if you were good for your sugar daddy, I think then your real daddy would think you were bad, you see. And I'm very glad you asked me this because I really have always been so very very good, it's a wonder...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged.

DN: Well repetition of good, at this stage...

NP: Yes we have had three, we've had a bit too much of the goodness.

TB: Yes.

NP: So Derek you have another point, you have 34 seconds left for how to be good starting now.

DN: I get yup early in the morning. I brush my hair carefully. I clean my teeth and show them to my mummy...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation. This is an endless catalogue again of Derek Nimmo's personal hygiene! We have it every week, his personal hygiene. He's always on about how he gets up and brushes this...

NP: I know, you...

KW: ...combs the other!

NP: You've made your point...

KW: Yes.

NP: It is probably Derek's way of starting the day out to be good. So I think I must be fair, give him another point and say that there are 27 seconds left for Derek Nimmo to tell us how to be good starting now.

DN: Then I walk out into the street, and hand six brand new shiny pennies to the nearest beggar that I see waiting there. I get on to the bus and I pay my fare as I'm...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Clement, you have another point, 14 seconds for how to be good starting now.

CF: The best way to do this is to avoid being bad. Going around, speaking nicely to kind people, helping old women across the street, children...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Helping old women across the street is deviation. Helping old women is not good. It may be many things, it may be charitable, it may be kind, but it's nothing to do with goodness.

NP: Kenneth you make your points with such aplomb, everybody thinks you must be right. But I think there is an element of goodness in that...

KW: Oh but I haven't spoken for hours!

NP: I know! And when you do, you do it so well, don't you. But you could have had him for hesitation, I would have allowed that. But it's too...

KW: I meant that! I meant to say that! I was about to say that!

NP: Yes I know you were, but it's too late now, I'm afraid. So there are four seconds left, another point to Clement Freud, him to continue on how to be good starting now.

CF: Patting children on the head. And calling on my parents asking if you might clean their shoes...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Clement Freud has jumped into a very definite lead. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, the subject is parking. Can you talk on that subject, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I drove my Austin Seven up to the side of the street, and said to the lady with the yellow hat on "would it be all right if I left my machine behind?" She said "of course, it's awfully nice that you ask me first." I said "I always fo that, because I like to be good." So I got up, out of the car, first of all removing my winklepicker shoes, and then I saw the funniest thing at the side of the road, the dog next door. Now you'll be totally surprised. And the funny thing was, do you know who was leading it? My sister! And there they were...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, he hasn't been on to parking for a very long time.

NP: No, you're quite right. But we were so enjoying it, we'd forgotten about that, hadn't we? Well done, Clement Freud, you concentarte so well. Another point to Clement Freud, 24 seconds left for parking starting now.

CF: This so something for which it's almost essential to have a park. But having a good second-hand vehicle is a help. You draw in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, it's not necessary to have a car to park. You can park yourself in a chair.

NP: Well done Kenneth, well done.

KW: Thank you! Thank you!

NP: So Kenneth Williams has another point and he takes over the subject of parking, 15 and a half seconds left starting now.

KW: Well I once dod this myself in another friend's car. And the lady come and put her head through the door and said "here, you've been over your prescribed time!" And I said "but darling, is there really any prescribed time.."

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged.

KW: What?

NP: He's challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes.

KW: Well you've done yourself out of a very good anecdote, dear!

NP: All right, finish the anecdote and then we'll go back to the game.

KW: No, I just realised it was dirty!

NP: The only thing that's prescribed was that bus fare.

TB: And I just realised that I'm really much too young for this programme.

NP: You're doing very well Teddie, you're doing very well, you're still in there with a chance. And four seconds left for Clement Freud on parking starting now.

CF: Many major cities have regulations limiting the amount of parking that one is...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah at the end of that round, Clement Freud who was speaking gets another point, and he has also increased hbis lead over the other three who are all about equal in second place. Clement Freud, a delightful subject, a fascinating one for you, and very interesting I think the results are going to be. Because Ian Messiter's thought of the subject, kneeology. Clement Freud would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: This is something which I've always been very good at. Because frequently, kneeologically speaking, I have been personally responsible...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged, why?

DN: Repetition, he's speaking frequently kneeologically.

NP: He's speaking frequently, yes, but he's not speaking repetitiously. So therefore he has another point and he has 50 seconds left starting now.

CF: What I have said has gone down in the annals of kneeology. I can do know better than to quote the first occasion when I was in Warbeswick in East Suffolk, and our village team were entertaining Lowestoft Railway. I was batting at number six, or to coin a phrase, I was in the middle order of our side. The bowler from the other end came up...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, you challenged. Why?

KW: Deviation, what has this got to do with kneeology?

NP: Absolutely nothing at all! And I don't think Kenneth Williams has any idea about it. But anyway Kenneth you have 35 seconds left, 36 seconds left, for kneeology starting now.

KW: I certainly do have every idea about kneeology. I know exactly what it is. It is the study of things which are new. In so far as when they...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, you've challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Entirely right. Clement Freud you take over the subject of kneeology with um 23 seconds left starting now.

CF: Doctor Stanley Proustinghouse was probably one of the great authorities on this subject...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Deviation.

NP: Yeah, absolutely right, he had nothing to do with the subject. Derek Nimmo you take over for 17 seconds, the subject’s kneeology starting now.

DN: The thing about kneeology is that it is a made-up word, not to be found in any dictionary whatsoever. So therefore if one wants to talk about it, one has to talk absolute rubbish...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you've challenged, why?

KW: Hesitation.

LAUGHTER FROM CF, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: What?

KW: He definitely hesitated. He went oh-wo-wo-wo.

NP: Did he hesitate?

KW: Didn't you hear him hesitate? Didn't you? You're sitting next to him!

NP: No, unfortunately he was being devious and I was listening to this so carefully. He didn't hesitate as far as I remember. So Derek Nimmo still has the subject...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...with 10 seconds left for kneeology starting now.

DN: The way that you spell this word is N-E-O-L, the same letter that I've just said, G-Y. Which makes it a rather interesting word because if you...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you've challenged. Why?

CF: Word, word, word. Three words in there.

NP: Yes indeed. So Clement Freud has another point, has two seconds left for kneeology starting now.

CF: This is the study of coining phrases...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud has got a commanding lead at the end of that round. We did hope that they would all challenge like mad, because we wondered if any of them what it was. I don't think actually any of them did know what it means from what they were saying. The actual, kneeology, means the science of words.

TB: I thought it was the study of knees!

NP: Teddie Beverely you didn't... ah yes...

TB: The study of knees, yes.

NP: Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject is paddling, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Pardon me if I recall when I was in holiday. I had occasion to walk on the promenade, as some people would have it, a long, wide and very beautiful sandy beach. And this friend said "the only thing against our promenading in this fashion is that we do come to effluents." I said "oh dear! What on earth are they?" And he said "it is a place where sewers discharge into the sea, and you have to be very careful about treading in such water." I said "oh no because I've been told that saline matter always purifies germs in a matter of seconds." So when we came to this stream, I simply took off my shoes and socks and waded off way into this effluent. But unfortunately it was deeper in the middle than I had anticipated. In I went, the trousers were soaked! And when I came back to this beach cafe to have the cup of tea which we'd gone all that way for, you understand, "oh," they said "what happened to you.."

WHISTLE

NP: If you take in the last series of Just A Minute and this one, it is a very long time since anybody has managed to speak for 60 seconds without being interrupted, and do it so well. So he not only gets two points, but as he did it so well, we;ve decided to give him an extra bonus point. Three points!

KW: Oh!

NP: Well that I'm afraid is all we have time for in this particular game of Just A Minute. Let me give you the final score. Teddie Beverley who after all hasn't played against these three experienced people before was in fourth place but she did jolly well. And in second place equal, a little bit in front of Teddie, were Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. But about a dozen points ahead of them was this week's winner, Clement Freud! Well we do hope you've enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, good-bye from all of us here.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.