starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS and FRED MacAULAY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 16 August 1997)

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure not only to welcome our listeners, the audience in the studio, but the four intrepid and experienced players who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back two young performers who've excelled themselves in the game before, that is Tony Hawks and Fred MacAulay. And two who have proved their worth over many years of playing Just A Minute, that is Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. And will you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them to speak if they can on a subject that will give them. And they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. And they will score points or lose points in that process. Elaine Wigley sits beside me, she'll help me keep the score, she'll blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the delightful Citizens Theatre in the Gorbals in Glasgow and we are once more... And citizens is the first subject. Let's ask Tony Hawks to start the show by talking on the subject of citizens, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

TONY HAWKS: Quite some time ago the citizens of the United Kingdom embarked on their greatest collective task, to elect a new Government. And do you know I've been so busy since then, I haven't even bothered to find out who won it! If...


TH: I don't really mind! I don't know why everyone got so excited about it. I haven't picked up a paper. I just don't care! I'm in the...


NP: Derek you were the first one to challenge.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of excited.

NP: Excited. Yes Derek, that is a correct challenge, so you get a point for that and you take over the subject of citizens, there are 33 seconds left starting now.

DN: (in Derek fast hectoring style) Well I'd like to use the word excited too. Because I am exactly that to be here in the Citizens. So many of my chums have actually performed here. Murray Macdonald, the great song producer, came down and saw on this very stage Stanley Baxter. Took him away, he went to London, and I was in a play with him called The Amorous Prawn. I've not ever seen him in pantomime because he always...


NP: Tony Hawks...

DN: What's the matter now?

TH: He's not completing any words!

DN: I was getting a bit of a pace on.

NP: He was getting a bit of a pace on. So Tony what was your challenge?

TH: Ah deviation from the English language.

NP: Yes! I think actually it was Derek Nimmo speak really which we accept in Just A Minute, even though we have to listen very hard to pick up every word. So Derek I call that an incorrect challenge, you have a point for that, 14 seconds are left, the citizens starting now.

DN: (slow sombre tones) The Citizens has produced many great plays...


NP: Tony Hawks...

TH: He did it again!

NP: What?

TH: Well he didn't say citizens, he said cissizins.

DN: My dear old banana! If you'd travelled to here from Manila as I have, you'd be very lucky to get any words out at all, I can tell you! There you are!

NP: So Derek, we allow you to continue. If you could get over your jetlag and ennunciate a bit better we'd all be pleased! The subject is still the citizens, another point to you, 12 seconds starting now.

DN: Now Barrabas by William Douglas Home...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.


NP: Why?

CF: He's speaking quite clearly now!


NP: Clement we give you a bonus point, because we liked the challenge but it wasn't anything wrong within the rules of Just A Minute. So Derek keeps the subject, eight seconds are left, the citizens starting now.

DN: A Day In The Life Of Joe Egg by Peter Nicholls was perfomed on this very...


NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Repetition of very.

NP: Yes.

TH: You said this very stage the first time.

NP: You said very before. You've got in with one second to go, rather clever that is. You get a point of course for a correct challenge, one second on the citizens starting now.

TH: Partic Thistle...


NP: At the end of that round, whoever is speaking by the way when the whistle goes gains an extra point. It was Tony Hawks, he has two points. Derek Nimmo got most points in that round, in fact he got almost as many as last time he was playing here! But he did extremely well in spite of his jetlag which he talked about. And Derek we'd like you to take the next round, the subject is porridge. What an apt subject for a Glasgow show before a Glasgow audience. Porridge, tell us something about it, starting now.

DN: Porridge is the most delightful dish. The good thing about it is it totally foxes the French. When they see it lurking on a sideboard, they don't know whether it's a pudding or what it is! And I do like that very much. Actually if one travels across the Bright Isle from Inverness to Loch Licket and with your little billy can, boil water, put in the oatmeal and then you can have your porridge. And my goodness, it does taste frightfully good. It was also a television comedy show with Ronnie Barker and that very nice young Beckwith boy who so sadly died...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Sadly his name was also Beckinsale.

NP: Beckinsale! That was deviation from the correct cast so Tony, correct challenge, 28 seconds are left, you tell us something about porridge starting now.

TH: Doing porridge isn't necessarily a bad thing. You can go into prison and come out a better person. Mandela went in and when he came out he was President! My cousin went...


NP: Fred you challenged.

FRED MacAULAY: Yes. It er that's incorrect. I don't know quite whether that's nearest deviation or...

NP: No you're quite right, he didn't come out as President. After he came out, later he was elected President.

FM: You can come out as a homosexual but I don't think you can come out as the President!


FM: Hello! I've been keeping this secret from you! I'm the President!


NP: A very good challenge that got it's well deserved round of applause! And Fred a well deserved point for you and 16 seconds to take over porridge starting now.

FM: When I was a young boy growing up in the village of Killen in Perthshire, porridge was part of our staple diet, morning, noon and night. We cooked it once a week on a Sunday and then cut it into slabs on the Monday and put it away in the drawer where it would lie there festering in the cold...


NP: Oh! I think that applause was for your deprived childhood, Fred! Right Fred MacAulay was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. He is in second place as we have joint leaders Tony Hawks and Derek Nimmo. Fred your turn to begin, the subject, mesisng about on the river. Sounds a frightfully English subject to bring up to Glasgow but anyway. Tell us something about messing about on the river starting now.

FM: Well the only river I've ever messed about is the Clyde, just a short hop and skip from here, from the Gorbals. And I've often wondered what a single Gorbal would look like!


FM: But another time we will discuss that, because messing about on the river brings to mind (whistles)


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of C.


NP: Clement you have 43 seconds, messing about on the river starting now.

CF: Messing about on the river is actually a very English thing to do. In Toad Of Toad Hall they seem to... I said Toad twice, I mean...


NP: What a sporting player! Tony you got in first, 34 seconds left, messing about on the river starting now.

TH: No ship's captain worth his salt would allow messing about on the river. These senior officers have incredible powers when they're on board ship. They can actually marry you. It's never happened to me, perhaps one's never fancied me emough!


TH: I messed about on the river with Rosemary wilcox, many years ago! Quite some exciting time we had. The boat was rocking quite a lot, I have to say. But this was not for the reasons that you have jumped to. The reason was...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Ah repetition.

NP: Yes there were too many reasons. But I can understand that Rosemary...

TH: It was the reason really, to be honest!

NP: Eight seconds are left for you Clement, messing about on the river starting now.

CF: Messing on board ship always means providing provender, food, porride, the sort...


NP: Oh Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point, he's now equal with Derek Nimmo in second place, one point behind Tony Hawks and Fred MacAulay's in third place. And Clement your turn to begin, a red herring is the subject. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: A red herring is very different from a Patagonian blowfish, about which there seems to be a lot of news because the world wildlife fund is concerned about extinction about that South American (pauses)


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I think that might have been a hesitation.

NP: Yes it was, yes, 42 seconds, a red herring with you Tony starting now.

TH: I bought a herring in a fishmongers and took it home. It was wrapped in newspaper and I read all the articles that were on that. And I suppose in a way that was a read herring. I also think if I was to talk about Patagonians whatever Clement said, I could do it for a minute and no-one could challenge for deviation because I could claim that that was a red...


NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Two I coulds.

NP: Yes, because you could have claimed it was a red herring. What a pity, clever idea! Twenty-three seconds, Clement...

TH: Thank you Nicholas!

NP: ....another point to you, a red herring is back with you starting now.

CF: A green mackerel, a blue herring... but...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Derek, 18 seconds, tell us something about a red herring starting now.

DN: They used to put a dried red smoked herring in front of the hounds to put them off their scent. A very mean thing to do, and that was why it was called a red herring. Another example might be when Tony Thing over there...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I'm sorry, I just can't allow him to call me Tony Thing! This is deeply insulting!


NP: So that is deviation from your correct name?

TH: Deviation from correct manners! I must say I'm surprised at you Derek! What is your last name? Derek what-is-it?

NP: Three seconds, a red herring is back with you Tony starting now.

TH: The Patagonian fish cake eclan...


NP: So Tony Hawks got points in that round, including that extra one for speaking as the whistle went and has moved forward, ahead of Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo, equal in second place, and then Fred MacAulay. And Tony your turn to begin. The subject, oh very apt, festivals. Because we are part of May Fest up here in Glasgow. But tell us something about festivals, Tony, 60 seconds starting now.

TH: The Glasgow May Fest is obviously much better than the Edinburgh Festival. Who wants to wander around up and down hills? Most of the people in that country become prematurely old. Oh what did I say country for? I meant city...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Yes.

NP: Yes what?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Absolutely.

CF: Two countries.

NP: Forty-eight seconds, festivals Clement starting now.

CF: Festivals is an angram of St Flavies, a place which I have not been to, but I'm sure has a lot going for it. The festivals that I enormously enjoy are the May Fest in Glasgow, and secondarily, Edinburgh Festival where we never fail to find wonderful audiences who don't mind a bit if I hesitate, deviate or drink glasses of water when I should be speaking. We have a festival in Aldesborough near where I live in Suffolk. And it is exceedingly highbrow. I have a just... eight...


NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: Hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation yes. Six seconds are still available on festivals, it's yours Fred starting now.

FM: This May Fest is my favourite festival. It's where I first put my feet on the stage to become a stand-up comedian...


NP: Fred MacAulay got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. And Derek Nimmo it's your turn to begin, the subject, mackintosh. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

DN: Charles Mackintosh, a citizen of Scotland, invented the mackintosh which was named obviously after him, in 1823 when he put some rubber, and combined it wth some pich tar. And it has become a generic name, rather like biro or hoover or dare I say Freudian. It's one of those things which makes you terribly happy in life. I think I would like to have a Nimmo called after me...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I'd just like to say I'd like to have a thing named after me!


NP: So what is your challenge?

TH: Ah just trying to be, you know, flippant.

NP: You were, you got a round of applause for your flippancy. So we'll give you a bonus point for that, he gets a bonus point for being interrupted, he gets the subject, 37 seconds are left, mackintosh starting now.

TH: C. Rennie Mackintosh from this city was a great furniture designer, so people say. Now I have a friend who has a lovely Georgian house in Russell Square, and he's filled it with Mackintosh furniture, which I think looks so inappropriate...


NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of furniture.

NP: You mentioned the furniture before, I'm sorry Derek. Clement has got in on mackintosh with 22 seconds to go starting now.

CF: A very worrying thing to come across if you walk around Kelvin Grove is a Gorbal in a mackintosh.


CF: These strange small furry beasts who usually wear umbrellas or carry walking sticks should not, I think, prefer raincoats...


NP: Clement was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's moved forward, he's one behind our leader Tony Hawks. He's just ahead of Derek Nimmo and Fred MacAulay in that order. And Fred your turn to begin, a good egg. I'm sure you are one but can you talk about the subject in this game starting now.

FM: It is a curious expression, a good egg. Tony Hawks, a good egg? Of course he is! Is that because he's white on the outside and yellow in the middle? Is that because he came out the back end of a chicken? I think not. Obviously it is a word that has come, or a series of words that have been put together to form er...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: A rather sort of a pause.

NP: Yes.

DN: Heitation.

NP: Derek, hesitation, 40 seconds are keft, a good egg starting now.

DN:One of the best eggs, a good egg, that I have ever tasted is a ballut. This is very popular in the island of the Phillipines. What they do is they go along with ducks...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: That's not just one island, is it?

NP: He said the islands of the Phillipines.

TH: I thought he said the island. Sorry.

NP: So Derek, an incorrect challenge, 31 seconds, a good egg starting now.

DN: Duck eggs take 28 days to incubate. And they actually eat them in that particular place that I've just mentioned before when they're about to be hatched. So you cook them and you eat a duck as well as the white egg at the same time...


MP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of eat.

NP: Yeah I think you saved us from something very unpleasant actually.

DN: No, jolly tasty actually!

NP: Twenty seconds for you Tony on a good egg starting now.

TH: Any egg that is thrown and lands on a politician is a good egg.


TH: I go out and throw them like nobody's business! And "get off that soapbox", I say!


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of throw.

NP: I don't think so.

CF: Yes!

TH: No, I said any egg that is thrown.

NP: So 11 seconds still with Tony on a good egg starting now.

TH: Clement Freud is clearly a good egg. The honourable way he accepted defeat in that challenge shows to me he is a man of great heart. Fred MacAulay also who...


NP: Tony Hawks is also a good egg. And he kept going on the subject till the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud will you take the next round, the subject, poaching. Will you tell us something about it in Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CF: Poaching is something you do to a good egg. And in order to discover whether or not the quality is high enough for poaching, the sensible thing to do with this thing that comes out of the backside of a chicken is to immerse it in a glass of water and see whether it sinks or floats. And be extraordinarily careful should it rise to the top. There are many different ways of poaching eggs. And Elizabeth David gives in her book an excellent method whereby she uses the wooden spoon to create a whirlwind, a whirlpool I should have said. Silly about whirlwind...


NP: Fred, you challenged.

FM: He was doing so well. He didn't repeat himself until he said "I shouldn't have said whirlwind"! So it's repetition.

NP: Of whirl, that's right. So um 19 seconds with you Fred on poaching starting now.

FM: If we'd been good and eaten our porridge all week, then on Friday my father would go out and poach for us a good egg which would have been from a Gorbal! It would take him days to hunt it down, but if he stalked it carefully, up the heather moors, then we could be sure that poaching was well...


NP: Fred MacAulay speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And at the end of the round he is still in fourth place but only just behind Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud equal. And out in the lead Tony Hawks. And Tony your turn to begin, the subject, good advice. Have you given any? Have you received any? Can you talk about it starting now.

TH: My grandfather, a man of great wisdom, said to me once, "son..." He was wise, he wasn't very good with generations. "To whatever extent you have placed the responsibility for your feelings of love and wholeness on someone else, is the degree to which you are bound for disappointment." Which was annoying because I'd asked him what the capital of Poland was. I have some good advice for you. Never leapfrog a unicorn! (laughs) When I first came on this programme I asked Paul Merton, my friend, for some good advice on how to play it and he said "it's easy, just take the piss out of Nicholas!" I have to say I've followed that advice very closely and it's never let me down. Although it seems rather unfair on our fine upstanding chairman although he's seated at the moment. He will stand later...


NP: Oh! Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Stand, repetition.

NP: What a pity! I was enjoying that.

TH: I said upstanding.

NP: And do you know he kept going for 53 seconds without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Almost had the full minute! Anyway Derek you got in with the correct challenge, there are seven seconds left, good advice, starting now.

DN: Good advice is what I give to my children, and they completely ignore it! Never a borrower nor a lender be...


NP: Well Tony Hawks is still in the lead, just ahead of Derek Nimmo now, just ahead of Clement Freud, and he's just ahead of Fred MacAulay. Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, the subject, foul play. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Well I must confess at this point that I have actually played foul. I remember in the egg and spoon race at my little son's school at one time, I was asked to compete against Roger Bannister who was also a parent at the time. And he was much faster than I am or ever would be. And so when we set off I put my thumb on the object that I was holding on the piece of metal, and pushed it all the way and I won! And I got a bottle of cooking sherry as a prize, and I was frightfully. And everybody said I was a good egg, but of course I have said egg so I'll let somebody else come in...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged, repetition of egg. Foul play's now with you Tony and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

TH: I went to see some performing geese doing Hamlet so I suppose this was a fowl play. The ducks (laughs) also were doing The Importance Of Being Earnest at a different lake just up the road. That was a better fowl play, I have to say. Some could say that it's foul play to twist the words in the way that I did there, but that's very...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of say. I let him go on a bit because I haven't got much to say about...

NP: It was a correct challenge even though it wasn't very well received. Six seconds are still available, foul play is with you Clement starting now.

CF: I went into a public bar where there was a notice declaring "food, drink and a kindly word..."


NP: Well the position has not changed throughout the whole of this edition of Just A Minute. Tony Hawks took the lead, he's maintained the lead, he's just ahead of Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud equal in second place. Fred MacAulay is trailing them a little and he begins the next round. Letting the cat out of the bag. A lot of cats have been let out of bags on Just A Minute. Tell us something about the subject, if you can Fred starting now.

FM: If someone lets the cat out of the bag, then it's generally accepted that they've let slip a piece of information that they really shouldn't have. And it's always said with a bit of irony. It's not the kind of thing that you would say if you didn't...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two says.

NP: There were two says, yes. Derek you have the subject, you have another of course, 47 seconds, letting the cat out of the bag starting now.

DN: It is an expression which is rather related to never buy a pig in a poke. Because in olden times a farmer would put into a bag a cat. And take it to the market hoping to sell it. And the man would not investigate it and find it was a porker inside. So if he did actually have a look to see what was there, he would actually let the...


DN: ...cat out of the bag and it would run away!

NP: And er Clement Freud challenged you before you got to the run away. Yes?

CF: On the second actually.

NP: On the second actually.

DN: There's always a lot of actuallies.

NP: Yes.

CF: Mmmmm.

NP: Twenty-six seconds Clement, letting the cat out of the bag starting now.

CF: I think this is probably a culinary expression. There's a lot of cooking in the bag that goes on. And letting the cat out of the bag would presuppose that you put one into it first. I'm not a tremendous gourmet when it comes to feline creatures. But there must be bits of cat which would be wholely delicious.


NP: Oh!

CF: They agree!

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Well he just stopped, didn't he?

NP: I know.

CF: I was listening to the audience reaction.

NP: I know and you got it too, they were quite disgusted.

CF: Glaswegian Cat!

NP: Right Tony you've got in with three seconds to go on letting the cat out of the bag starting now.

TH: John Major let the cat out of the bag when he said...


NP: Tony Hawks spoke as the whistle went, gained an extra point, has increased his lead ahead of Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud, they're still equal in second place. In fact the position has remained throughout in exactly the same order. And we are entering the last round. We began with a Scottish subject, very apt for Glasgow because we talked about the citizens. And we're in the Citizens Theatre in the Gorbals at Glasgow, part of May Fest. And we're going to end with reels. Clement you have 60 seconds starting now.

CF: For an only child to try and dance an Epsom Reel was always a difficult matter. But we have something called French knitting which was done with cotton reels into which four nails were stuck. And you bought wool and you carried a bit of woollen thread over a nail on to another. And out came an endless sausage of woven material with which you never quite knew what to do. I made tea cosies and mats, serviette rings and napkin holders. And the thing kept coming up out onwards and on. There was no end to these...


NP: Fred MacAulay's challenged.

FM: I just realised there was a repetition of onwards and onwards.

NP: Yes!

CF: No.

FM: Did you not?

CF: No.

FM: Oh well.

CF: Onwards and on, I said.

FM: Onwards and on?

CF: Mmmm.

NP: Onwards and on!

FM: Did you close down the second word? Did you?

NP: That's right, it was a slight deviation from er um English as we understand it. But it doesn't really matter. Do you want to carry on Fred? You're not going to win, but would you like to finish the show for us? I think Clement can't win either even if he gets the points. So reels is with you Fred MacAulay starting now.


NP: And he's been... yes...

CF: Hesitation, he can win, you know!

NP: With your help like that, another point to him, yes of course he can. Another point for an incorrect challenge Fred...


FM: Thank you Clement!

NP: Another point and you've still got 13 and a half seconds starting now.


NP: And er... Tony you've challenged.

TH: Repetition!

NP: Of the pause?

TH: Yeah repetition of nothing!

NP: Which he didn't make! Incorrect challenge, you've got 13 seconds on reels Fred starting now.

FM: Last Hogmanay we went up to Dulwin Bridge to spend the New Year's Eve up there and ...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Milguy.


FM: This is very embarrassing!

NP: It isn't, the audience are loving it! There we are. Seven seconds, another point Fred, reels starting now.


FM: When we...

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: It was hesitation, I'm not going to allow it! The er, it's another point to Fred, five seconds on reels starting now.

FM: Whem midnight struck, a bagpiper struck up, and he played a tune that we...


FM: Thank you!

NP: So Fred MacAulay kept going magnificently until the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And as we come to the end of this edition of Just A Minute, he has now finised up... very fair because, I always say it's not the points, it's the contribution they make. And it's all wonderful. But equal in second place are Fred MacAulay, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. So that's very fair, isn't it! But a few points ahead of them was the man who took the lead at the beginning and maintained it throughout, Tony Hawks. So Tony we say you're the winner this week! And we thank them all for their great contribution to the fun that we try to generate in Just A Minute. I thank Elaine Wigley for keeping the score and also blowing the whistle so delicately when the 60 seconds were up. Anne Jobson for producing and directing the show, Ian Messiter for creating the show for us all to play. And this audience here in the Glasgow Citizen's Theatre who have come to enjoy themselves. We've been privilleged to have been part of May Fest. So from all of us here and me, Nicholas Parsons, thank you and good-bye! Good-bye!