JAM:CFreud,PJones,THawks,FMacAulay
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, TONY HAWKS and FRED MACAULAY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 March 1997)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure not only to welcome the listeners to the programme but also to welcome to the programme the four exciting and dynamic personalities who are going to play the game this week. We welcome back two of the original players of the game who have been with us for many years, and still playing with great aplomb, that is Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And two of the younger generation of comedians who have shown such skill in Just A Minute, that is Tony Hawks and Fred MacAulay. Would you please welcome all four of them! And this particular recording of Just A Minute comes from the Student's Union in the ancient Scottish university of St Andrew's. And we have an audience in front of us who are looking so excited because we were here a few weeks ago.... and I threw out the suggestion that we might come back and it was received with such enthusiasm we could not wait to return to this beautiful little town situated on the East Fife coast just beside the famous golf course. And this wonderful audience of undergraduates, graduates, profs, doctors, lecturers, bejans and bejantines, absolutely everyone is here in the audience waiting to hear Just A Minute again. Elaine Wigley sits beside me, she has a stopwatch, she has a whistle, she's going to keep the score and blow that whistle when 60 seconds is up. And I'm going to ask our four talented panellists to speak if they can on the subject I will give them and of course they have to try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And this week we're going to begin the show with Tony Hawks. Tony, greens. That's the subject, can you talk about greens in Just A Minute starting now.

TONY HAWKS: A few weeks back I was told a very unsavoury joke by a small child on the subject of greens which I think perhaps I will share with you, although maybe I shouldn't. It's what's the difference between broccoli and bogeys? You can't get children to eat broccoli!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

TH: Now this is most...

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged, yes?

FRED MacAULAY: Repetition of the word broccoli.

CRIES OF "OHHHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh yes! Those are the rules of Just A Minute, you can't repeat words, that's why it's so difficult to keep going. But Fred, you challenged, it's a correct challenge. You get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of greens and there are 41 seconds left starting now.

FM: There may be 41 seconds left Nicholas, but there are 18 famous greens here in St Andrew's and what a fine place it is!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

FM: Famous for...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of famous.

NP: There was too much famous, and it is famous. Yes! And 32 seconds available for you Clement Freud, having gained a point for a correct challenge, to talk on greens starting now.

CF: I could have said cabbage, kale, spinach, peas, beans, broccoli, asparagus. But as we are in St Andrew's which is a great centre of golf, I thought I would talk about greens here and...

BUZZ

NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed, so we hear from everybody in the first round, isn't that exciting! Peter, 16 seconds are available, the subject's with you, having gained a point for a correct challenge, greens starting now.

PJ: The Americans have gone to great trouble to try to persuade children to eat greens, mainly spinach. And they invented this character called Popeye and his androgynous girlfriend Olive Oyl...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Tony got in just before you got her name out.

TH: I just wanted to know how you were spelling that.

PJ: O-L-I-V-E O-I...

TH: No, no, an, an, androgynous.

NP: Androgynous.

PJ: I, there's no obligation to spell it, is there?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Absolutely none! Three seconds are available for you Tony having got the subject back, greens starting now.

TH: Honestly what a family the Greens were! I wish they'd never moved in next door!

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went and whoever does that in this game gains an extra point. So he's in the lead at the end of the round, everybody else is equal in second place. Peter Jones, the next round is a fence. That's the subject, would you take it please and start now.

PJ: A fence is like Fagin, a man who buys stolen property and sells it at a great profit. And if you see anybody doing this, I suggest that you try to stop them using whatever means you can. Sit on them if you like! Sitting on a fence is a kind...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: ...of citizen's arrest. And it is the best thing to do if you catch them at it. Er...

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement you challenged first, yes? Hesitation we interpret that as, 31 seconds, a fence starting now.

CF: At Aintree where the Grand National is run every year, there are a number of fences which have endearing names like the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Well he's talking about lots of fences here rather than a fence.

NP: And I think Beechers came before the eighth or the ninth. So um in sequence I don't think it was actually correct. But um so Tony correct challenge, 13 seconds starting now.

TH: I don't know whether any of you are interested here in the audience tonight, but I have 300 video recorders back stage which I am trying to shift, which Peter Jones handed over to me earlier...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks was again speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Fred MacAulay will you take the next round, the subject, friends. Tell us something about friends in Just A Minute starting now.

FM: Well it used to be that you could talk about friends and people assumed you were mentioning your amigos or your buddies or your close pals. But ever since the arrival on these shores of the Channel Four sitcom, you can't mention the word without people saying "who do you fancy most? Is it Monica or Rachel, maybe it's Phoebe the ditzy blonde one?" Then of course for people who are attracted to the male of the species, there's Joey, the dim but handsome one, Chandler who I assume is everybody's favourite. And of course the learn...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes I'm afraid you did say of course before um...

FM: Oh that's all right.

NP: All right. It's in the rules. Right, 30 seconds, Clement you have friends starting now.

CF: Nicholas Parsons recently had his 50th anniversary in show business. And a number of his friends turned up, actually, quite few. But they all appeared in Hello magazine some weeks after the occasion. And I remember seeing pictures of Mrs um Chairman...

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: There was a hesitation there.

NP: There was a hesitation yes. Five seconds Fred on friends starting now.

FM: Well I count myself as a very lucky man because I've got friends like Tony Hawks who's asked me on many an occasion...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement your turn to begin, the subject is porter. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

CF: A porter is someone who carries your bags, usually for money. And they are sometimes called porter. And they drink porter which is a sort of darkish beer quite often created by putting a red hot poker into ale and giving it a hue as well as a smell which is indicative of the action taken by brewers to create porter...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I'm surprised, he's quite wrong about them making something into porter. Putting a poker in it! Porter is brewed like beer! With malt and hops and so on! And it's rich and very nourishing.

CF: Have you tried putting a poker into it?

NP: Peter I would incline...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Your culinary knowledge convinces me that you deserve the point and the subject and there are 32 seconds Peter starting now.

PJ: If you've ever seen that wonderful play The Barretts of Wimpole Street, you may remember a scene in which the father, Barrett, tries to persuade his daughter, Norma Shearer...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Two Barretts.

NP: There were two Barretts, I'm afraid, yes.

PJ: Yes there were, there were a lot of Barretts in er Wimpole Street.

NP: Yes that's right. Porter is back with you, 21 seconds available Clement starting now.

CF: At London Airport they now have porters that carry messages stating...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of carry from the first time he was talking.

NP: Yes.

CF: Carrying I said the first time.

NP: Oh! (laughs) Oh! I'll tell you what. As I, as I can't actually judge on this one, I now...

CF: Why can't you judge?

NP: ...give it to...

CF: You're the chairman!

NP: ... the superior wisdom of this audience at St Andrew's which I love to do. So I would like you to be the final judge, did he say carrying or carry before? If you agree with Tony Hawks you cheer for him, and if you disagree you boo for Clement Freud and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you for listening so well! Tony you have 15 seconds on porter starting now.

TH: If a porter isn't working hard enough on your behalf, you can always threaten him with a red hot poker! This always does the trick in my experience. They must be very miffed at the way at airports now they have these free trolleys...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: You can't just pick up a red hot poker!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You really have got a real thing about red hot pokers, haven't you Peter?

PJ: Well I haven't! I don't keep bringing them up! Other people are bringing them up all the time.

NP: So what you're saying is deviation because you can't pick up a red hot poker?

PJ: Yes!

NP: Well...

PJ: And anyway it's very unkind and I don't think John...

NP: If...

PJ: I don't think John Major would approve of that sort of behaviour!

NP: If the handle's sufficiently er desensitised, you can pick it up. Why else do you think, if you work in a foundry they have some red hot pokers.

PJ: But you can't pick one up because it's not there! They don't have red hot pokers all over the place at Heathrow!

NP: If we can't use supposition or fantasy in Just A Minute I think we've had it! So Peter I have to disagree with the challenge, give the benefit of the doubt...

PJ: You think you can find these pokers?

FM: I don't think it would just be the end of the poker that would be desensitised either, would it!

NP: Right Tony, benefit of the doubt, two seconds on porters starting now.

TH: Nyree Dawn Porter was in the Forsythe Saga...

WHISTLE

NP: Right! Tony Hawks has increased his lead at the end of that round. The others are almost equal together in second place. And now we have a very golf-type subject, a niblick. And Tony...

CRIES OF "OHHHH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It's not erotic, I do assure you! Tony it's your turn to begin so will you tell us something about a niblick starting now.

TH: If you wander into the hallowed clubhouse in the Royal and ancient golf club here at St Andrew's, hanging on the wall there is a niblick. Ralph Niblick his name is, and he was hung there for not wearing a tie in the bar! It is of course, i jest, an old wooden club used mainly for getting out of bunkers. Herr Hitler...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: It's used for getting balls out of bunkers!

NP: (laughs) Oh I think it's a subtle challenge, we have to give you the benefit of the doubt. Clement, 30 seconds, a niblick starting now.

CF: A niblick was once called a blinkie, an anagram of niblick, because of the speed with which a ball was hit out of a blunker...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Tony?

TH: You can't hit a ball out of a blunker! A blunker has walls all round it!

NP: Yes it is a little bit devious from the, er, knowledge of golf that I possess. So back with you Tony niblick, 18 seconds starting now.

TH: Tony I have a trusty old niblick. I intend to use it tomorrow when I shall play golf with Fred MacAulay on the old course. I shall get it out on the fifth hole and beat him around the head with it! Because frankly they're useless clubs made of a substance which will not propel balls...

WHISTLE

NP: And you will see a few niblicks in the Royal and Ancient if you go and look there. Yes they did actually use them and they did get round the course with them. And Tony Hawks you kept going with the subject till the whistle went, gained your extra point and you have increased your lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones your turn to begin, a blue stocking. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Oh it's a phrase used to describe women, girls very often who er used to study to the exclusion of not much else. Now the one blue stocking of course doesn't make a pair. And er I suppose if one wore one blue stocking it would be someone who is sort of half interested in studying, I don't know. When I was a boy, about eight years old, I lived next door to a family who had a daughter of about my age. And once she called me into the sitting room there when her parents were out. And she revealed that she was interested in something called romance which I didn't actually know what she meant! I didn't er, haven't ever heard the word probably. Because my parents didn't get on all that well, and they didn't ever remove...

WHISTLE

NP: They were all agog! They want you to get to the nitty-gritty of that story!

PJ: Well I know!

NP: Anyway Peter...

PJ: Yes?

NP: A point for speaking as the whistle went, and other points in the round, you're now in third place just behind Clement Freud but Tony Hawks is still our leader. Fred MacAulay it's your turn to begin, the subject is the old course which we mentioned earlier but tell us something about it in this game starting now.

FM: Yeah, Tony mentioned that we are going to be playing golf there tomorrow, which comes as a bit of surprise to me because I brought my basketball boots. But never mind, I'll try to avoid him and his niblick as we walk down the fifth which as you know is one of the many holes there. Eighteen to be precise, there's the Burn followed by the Dyke if I remember correctly. Cart Gate, then of course the curiously named Ginger Beer which came as a surprise and a shock to the large American golfer, John Daly, a recovering alcoholic, when he played there and won the Open Championship in 1995. Then there are sixth, seventh, eighth which have got curious names but none so... odd...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged. Yes what is the challenge Clement?

CF: I thought there was a hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation Clement. So tell us something about the old course, this famous, the most famous golf course in the world, and 20 seconds are still available starting now.

CF: One always wonders when the place was called the old course, because having been built it must have been the new course. And over the years, I suppose, people have said where are Fred and Tony going to play? And they say "mmmm the old course I should think..."

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks you're still in the lead. Clement Freud is in second place then Peter Jones then Fred MacAulay. And Clement your turn to begin, seventh heaven. Some find it on the old course. Some find it in St Andrew's. Where do you find it Clement, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Seventh heaven is pretty low down in heavens. I mean the first heaven has got three michelin stars, is absolutely brilliant. When you get to the seventh heaven, I doubt that there would be much more than buffet and a sweet trolley. I have no intention of going down as far the line as seven, so let us think where one would go beyond. Is there an eighth heaven, if there is I haven't heard of one. What would you get there and when does it become hell? These and many other questions I would like to leave to my colleagues in this game who only have to press their buttons in order to persuade me to stop...

NP: Peter, press yours!

CF: ...this...

BUZZ

NP: Tony you have a challenge, what is it?

TH: Well er, everything stopped! And I thought well...

NP: Which we interpret as hesitation...

TH: Yeah.

NP: Seventh heaven is with you, 12 seconds are available starting now.

TH: Presumably Peter Jones was in seventh heaven as as a young eight-year-old he was invited into his neighbour's house where romance began. What a marvellous opportunity for him to discover at this early age...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Tony Hawks again speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And has increased his lead and he also takes the next round. And the subject Tony is rectors, very apt for here. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

TH: Any further educational establishment worth its salt should have a prestigious figure as its rector. Why then should a seat of learning like St Andrew's University...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: How do you spell prestigious?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Any other challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PJ: No, no, but he asked me to spell something!

NP: He asked you to spell androgynous which we can't, prestigious. So Peter they enjoyed the challenge, you got a round of applause for it...

PJ: Really?

NP: So we give you a bonus point for your remarks but Tony was interrupted so he gets a point for being interrupted and keeps the subject, rectors with you Tony starting now.

TH: Why then did should they choose Nicholas Parsons as theirs? What kind of drugs are they on here? And er as far as...

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: There was a bit of a stumble, I'm going to claim er hesitation.

NP: It doesn't matter what you said, you would have had it anyway.

FM: Yeah.

NP: Right, 38 seconds, Fred, rectors starting now.

FM: I'm wholly in agreement with Tony that learned places of education should have outstanding rectors. I was fortunate enough to be at Dundee University and the rector at that time was none other than Clement Floyd, Freud, oh...

BUZZ

FM: I'm in awe of being in his presence again and seem to have got away with that little fluff, I don't think anybody...

NP: You were challenged actually, you challenged, Clement, your challenge.

CF: Fluff!

NP: A fluff, yes. Deviation from the name as we understand it. So Clement a correct challenge, 24 seconds on rectors starting now.

CF: When I was selected rector of Dundee University, the secretary approached me and said "we are extremely pleased that it was you who was selected". And I said "why?" And he replied that I was the only one who would fit into Peter Ustinov's gown! He had been my predecessor and had saved them purchasing new clothing for this high office...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud kept going until the whistle went, gained that extra point. He's still in second place behind our leader Tony Hawks. And Fred MacAulay's turn to begin. Fred the subject is scrabble. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute please starting now.

FM: Well I've gone on record in the past as saying that the only decent thing you can mention about the Welsh language is if you're playing scrabble and you've got seven consonants you're laughing! L-P-G-W-D-S-V is a word pronounced (makes noise like someone preparing to spit). It translates into English as "forgive me, I have a viral infection". And it's worth about 37 points. And I don't think there is anybody more boring on God's earth than these scrabble freaks who can tell you what the points value is of every word you utter to them. You know the types...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I've known golf players who are pretty close!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Repetition of points as well. Points.

FM: Points.

NP: So yeah, I like that, I like that, a bonus point to Peter for that particular round of applause and you, you are challenging on what? The repetition?

PJ: Ah well, conceit really!

NP: He did repeat points.

PJ: Yes he did.

NP: Yes that's right, well done Peter! So you have a, you also have a point for um a correct challenge and 29 seconds for you on scrabble starting now.

PJ: Yes it's a pretty boring game in my opinion. But it can be played on aircraft when you're not able really to play cards satisfactorily. And if you like crossword puzzles which I don’t much, then you are probably very well into scrabble. The word of course can also be used to describe to scrabbling which is a kind of er...

BUZZ

NP: Fred challenged.

FM: Yes a hesitation there.

NP: A hesitation, a very strong er.

PJ: Yes it was, yes.

NP: More than one actually. Fred you've got back in on scrabble with four seconds to go starting now.

FM: I always feel as though I've cheated a bit, if I use the blank square in scrabble...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of square.

NP: Yes you talked about squares before I'm afraid. And Clement's got in with only half a second to go on scrabble Clement starting now.

CF: Cubed!

WHISTLE

NP: So a lot of points were scored in that round but er as we approach the last round of the contest Tony Hawks is still in the lead, just two points ahead of Clement Freud, one point ahead of Peter Jones. Ah that's Clement and a few points behind is Fred MacAulay. And Clement it's your turn to begin, trifles is the subject Clement, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: A trifle which the French call le trifle is a sort of pudding which can contain almost anything. Usually cake, alcohol, jam, custard, cream, hundreds and thousands...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well it can't contain almost anything, it's an exaggeration!

NP: You couldn't put a red hot poker into it!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, logically...

PJ: Even a shin of beef wouldn't go too well either!

NP: You're quite right, logically it could not contain anything. So a correct challenge to you, 44 seconds available to you to tell us something about trifles starting now.

PJ: But if you use as a base some sponge cakes and a lot of sherry, or some similar liqueur. And you add fruit that is available in the house, sometimes raspberry jam, that adds a lot to it. And a few split almonds, it can be a very nice dish, topped with thick whipped cream. It's not exactly on a sort of diet, it's not, it's got a lot of cholesterol and ...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Well of course, it's not on a diet, it's a pudding!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Tony another point to you and 19 seconds to tell us something about trifle starting now.

TH: My step-grandmother used to make the most magnificent trifles. She'd bring them down in the morning because she'd make them at night, God knows why! And she'd say Tony look at what I've made you. I'd say "it's a trifle". She'd say "yes, nothing much gets past..."

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: Repetition of the word say.

NP: Yes well done Fred, so on the last round like the first, we're hearing from everybody. Isn't that nice. Seven seconds for trifle with you Fred MacAulay starting now.

FM: Trifles is worth 37...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: (laughs) Deviation.

NP: What?

CF: Trifles is!

FM: Well if you'd let me finish the sentence...

CF: No I don't like trifles is!

FM: Well, I, no, no...

NP: Justify yourself!

FM: Yes I was going to say trifles is worth 37 points on a scrabble board!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Fred you get a point for being interrupted and a point for your justification which the audience enjoyed.

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged again.

CF: It's not worth 37 points!

NP: Well he didn't say that in Just A Minute, he was justifying it outside the competition.

CF: Ah!

TH: It depends where you put it as well, doesn't it?

FM: That's right, I was counting a triple letter score on the F! See Peter, this isn't as boring as golfers!

PJ: No, but it is touching on humbuggery!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Fred MacAulay's got a number of points and he has four seconds to continue starting now.

FM: I remember well my school days and the lunches we used to have in the...

WHISTLE

NP: So Fred MacAulay speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, gained a large number of points in that game. He's only played the game three times before, so his contribution was marvellous!He came from lying nowhere actually and with that last flourish he leapt forward to be alongside Peter Jones and Clement Freud in second place. Just three points ahead was Tony Hawks so Tony with the most points we say you're the winner this week! So it only remains for me to thank our four intrepid players of the game for their delightful and interesting contributions, Clement Freud, Tony Hawks, Peter Jones, and Fred MacAulay. We do thank this wonderful animated student audience here at this wonderful university of St Andrew's. Thank you for coming. Beside me I must thank Elaine Wigley for the way she kept the score and blew her whistle. We must thank Ian Messiter who created the game, Anne Jobson who produces and directs and we are deeply grateful to her. But from all of us here, to our listeners without whom we would not be at work, thank you for tuning in, be with us the next time we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Until then good-bye!

THEME MUSIC