WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JUNO ALEXANDER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 March 1972)
NOTE: Juno Alexander's last appearance.
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Juno Alexander in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And we welcome our four contestants back again. And once again I'm going to ask them all to speak on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And once again according to how well they do this and how often they are challenged they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And let us begin the show this week with Juno Alexander. Juno the subject this week for you is hats. Can you talk to us for 60 seconds on hats starting now.
JUNO ALEXANDER: These are probably the most useful of all apparel as they can keep the ears warm, prevent the hair from getting tied carefully in, when travelling in an open car. They also prevent the water from trickling down the back of the neck, can save the head from being bashed and falling off horses or motor-bicycles. Cowboys can use them fro fetching water. I have used one once to put shopping in. They can be made of wool, cardboard, silk, feathers, flowers. Hats could be made of any material...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well two can be mades.
NP: Yes you have a repetition of made.
JA: Can be made? Oh dear.
NP: So Kenneth Williams I agree that was a correct challenge for repetition so you take over the subject of hats, you gain a point for a correct challenge, and you have 19, 24 seconds starting now.
KW: Well this muscatelly I knew once said to this lady "have these nits" and she said "but I want a hat". He said "well they will fly around you and in such close formation that they will create the most beautiful toke you've ever seen." "Oooh," she said, "but they're not very clean, are they, nits?" And he said "no..."
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you first.
CLEMENT FREUD: The double nit.
NP: Yes. You knitted your nits. Clement Freud you have a point for your correct challenge and seven seconds for hats starting now.
CF: With a crochet hook, and a pound of wool, here's Charlie, your host, and I forget what he says after that...
NP: The whistle which is blown for us as always by Ian Messiter the creator of the game tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. And on this occasion it was once again, Clement Freud and he has a lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams will you begin this round, cornucopia. Kenneth can you talk to us on cornucopia for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well as far as I know, it's some sort of horn into which they stuff plenty of everything, you know, your grapes, bananas, your apples and your oranges...
NP: Juno Alexander's challenged you, why?
JA: Well I thought there were awful lots of yours. But then I suppose that's not it, is it.
NP: Well we don't really challenge...
JA: No, no.
NP: I know you're new to the game. You haven't played as often as our three regular men. But we don't on such little words...
JA: I will add one point to his cornucopia.
NP: Yes, otherwise if we did, you know, you'd challenge, challenge on every the and it and but.
NP: And we would never get playing the game, would you.
NP: So Kenneth an incorrect challenge so you gain a point for that and you have 52 seconds for cornucopia starting now.
KW: The simile of course lies with series. And indeed Shakespeare likens it to Cornucopia when he said (very very fast, almost unintelligibly quick) "why my troops, my Lord, have opened up a cornucopia, bowing the head as series plenteous knowed". And that of course...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, why?
CF: Repetition of plenty.
KW: No I didn't, I said plenteous. You great fool! Why don't you listen? He doesn't listen! The second time it was plenteous knowed.
NP: Well I don't know what you said, I thought you said two plenties.
KW: No you're wrong! I didn't!
NP: Well all right we'll take your word because you did go very fast which is unusual for you! So you gain a point Kenneth for an incorrect challenge and there are 41 seconds for cornucopia starting now.
KW: (fast speed Stanley Unwin-esque gibberish)
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you again.
NP: Of what? Rubbish! Yes!
CF: All the things I couldn't understand!
NP: Repetition of what he said just before! What he said before was it Clement?
NP: Definitely, all right, you get a point and you have 35 seconds for cornucopia Clement starting now.
CF: This is in fact a horn of plenty as Kenneth Williams mentioned, although he...
NP: Kenneth Williams why...
KW: I've already mentioned it, he's repeated it! (laughs hysterically)
NP: Kenneth in this game he has repeated what you said...
KW: (screaming hysterically) Exactly! You're not allowed to repeat in this game! So it's not allowed! I've won!
NP: (laughs) You've won? We've hardly got through the end of the first round! I've forgotten what the challenge was now! Oh yes repetition. Now he only repeated what you said, and in this game it's only repetition if you repeat what you said yourself. So Clement Freud did not repeat himself, so, that sounds funny doesn't it. So he has 31 seconds, having gained a point for an incorrect challenge to continue with cornucopia starting now.
CF: It would be indescribably boring to detail that you dug in and pulled out your apples, your oranges, your bananas and your pineapples...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: This is deviation, the digging in and pulling out pineapples, it's all so devious! I've never heard such rubbish!
NP: I don't think...
KW: It has nothing to do with a cornucopia.
NP: I don't think digging in and bringing out your apples and pineapples and pears, I don't think that has got anything to do with a cornucopia. No I give you the point on this occasion Kenneth and tell you that you have 22 seconds for cornucopia starting now.
KW: Well as the poet said we stand upon this distant shore with cornucopian dreams of yore, and nourishment and thought supreme shall always give us this long dream, which all sustaining...
KW: Who's challenged?
NP: Peter Jones, Peter Jones has challenged.
PETER JONES: Well it was deviation.
PJ: Nothing to do with the cornucopia.
NP: He said, he established that the poet had said on this cornucopian shore. Is that right?
KW: No, cornucopian dream.
NP: The cornucopian dream and so he was...
PJ: Well a dream of a cornucopia isn't a cornucopia!
NP: Well all right... well I will end, let the audience be the final judge because this is one of those difficult decisions...
PJ: You'll have to wake them up first!
KW: He's dropped off!
NP: They're coming up quite nicely, the fellow who was asleep's come through quite nicely.
PJ: Oh your people repeating everything!
NP: No I think the audience should be the final judge on this rather difficult decision of this er...
PJ: How much longer is there of this one subject?
NP: We've only got five seconds left, that's why I thought you came in.
PJ: I see, yes it was, yes.
NP: So you did that to get the audience on your side, did you?
PJ: Well I wanted them to know the situation, that's all!
NP: You know the tenseness of the situation and Peter Jones also wants you to know that he hasn't yet spoken and he hasn't yet scored. But be fair...
PJ: And I've got a wife and three children to support!
NP: So in spite of his wife and three children, will you please be fair. If you agree with his challenge will you cheer, if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I think the cheers just had it, yes.
CRIES OF "AWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: So the boos are all saying "aww". Peter Jones you have a point for a correct challenge, you have six seconds on cornucopia starting now.
PJ: It's a grocer's shop in Dejon in the heart of the mustard area and I have been there...
NP: Is that a bit of fantasy or is it true Peter?
PJ: No it's somewhere in France, I can't remember where it is exactly In Dejon, but it's somewhere...
NP: But you've seen a grocer's shop called Cornucopia?
PJ: Yes, a little supermarket there.
JA: And it's full of good things isn't it.
NP: Anyway Peter you have now two points and you're creeping up on Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams who are both equal in the lead at the end of that round. And Peter Jones we would like you to begin the next round and the subject rather aptly I think is my favourite subject. Will you talk about that, my favourite subject, for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: My favourite subject would give opportunities to Kenneth Williams to quote at length from the poets, and give us an intellectual treat, picnic even, if we were allowed to listen to it long enough. And would also furnish Clement Freud with the chance of interpolating witticisms, jokes and amusing remarks, and would have also built into it the opportunity for me to actually score at the very last second of the 60 seconds. It would also be entertaining, would not involve any repetition on the part of any of the people participating in this witty game, so brilliantly chaired by Nicholas Parsons whom I have admired for so long. And it would have an opportunity for the lady guest...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of opportunity.
NP: Yes there were too many opportunities...
PJ: There were, yes.
NP: Correct challenge, the repetition of opportunity, there are nine seconds left for you Clement Freud on my favourite subject starting now.
CF: My favourite subject is cornucopia. I would...
NP: Juno Alexander's challenged.
JA: It must be a deviation, because his favourite subject and everybody's is Clement Freud.
NP: I quite agree. Um, I'm sure that that is a very unkind cut at Clement Freud but the audience clapped, and so for a bad joke, we will give you a point Juno and say you have five seconds on my favourite subject starting now.
JA: My favourite subject is me. I am 46 years old, rather stupid, but...
NP: Ah Peter Jones, Peter Jones challenged actually before the buzzer, before the whistle...
NP: What was it?
PJ: I thought it was deviation because she's obviously not as old as that!
NP: And as she's already admitted that she was, she gets an extra point for a wrong challenge...
NP: And she has half a second for my favourite subject Juno starting now.
JA: I am...
JA: You're wonderful!
NP: So Juno...
JA: I wouldn't have minded him winning it for being so gallant!
NP: Yes! So being so gallant, it puts him in fourth place behind you now, who's in third place behind Kenneth Williams who's in second place behind Clement Freud. Clement, your turn to begin and the subject, pie. What a delightful subject to talk about. Will you go on that for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: When I first came across this road, it was in an arithmetic class at school and I was told that pi equals 22 over seven. As I advanced along my path of education it was explained that pi equals 3.142 and later still when I started the culinary arts, somebody mentioned that butter, sugar and flour with a modicum of mixture like...
CF: I meant moisture.
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
CF: Thank you very much!
KW: Quite all right.
NP: Kenneth you have a correct challenge and a hesitation, for a hesitation, and you take over the subject of pie and there are 33 seconds left starting now.
KW: With the intention of having a blackberry one, I was picking these things in a hedgerow, when a bloke said "they're sprayed with insecticide and if you eat them you'll die." I said "ooh no" and I dropped the lot! And I went home and never had none of this. But we bought instead a manufactured pie in a shop. Now this was covered in wax and had on the outside "glutamates are added". I phoned them up and said "Here! What are these? I've never heard of them!" They said "it's chemicals." I said "yes all right, mate, don't mind me..."
NP: Oh dear! You made your point so well none of us want to buy any of those pies. We all want to have our home made pies. And Kenneth you have leapt into the lead, alongside Clement Freud. Juno Alexander, we're with you now. Would you start this, it's your turn to start, I should say. And the subject is driving a bargain. Would you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
JA: I do this daily. It is a bargain because my husband bought it for me. And when driving it I recapture my youth because I keep the good down and as long as I wear dark glasses, a scarf over my head, and keep my skirts short I have a very merry time. Its clutch has burned out recently but as long as you keep it filled with petrol and oil, and the tyres nicely pumped up, it will carry you through England, Scotland, Wales, France, Belgium, Holland...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: It's not amphibious!
KW: Oh yes!
NP: But she never said that she crossed the water on it.
NP: She just said it carried her through those different countries.
JA: One could have thought that.
NP: She never said that she crossed... just a minute Juno, I'm on your side!
JA: I know!
NP: She never said that she crossed the Channel to get to France, she just said that it carried her across France. She was making a statement of fact. So it was an incorrect challenge and she has another point and 26 seconds for Juno on driving a bargain starting now.
JA: Doing this has altered my entire life, having made me rather aggressive, but also...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?
PJ: I don't think she's aggressive! Um and so it's a deviation.
NP: When she plays Just A Minute she's very aggressive.
PJ: Do you think so?
JA: I have to be! It's the only...
PJ: I don't think she's aggressive. I thought she was, you know, not aggressive really at all.
NP: Well I think she is aggressive when she plays Just A Minute.
PJ: Oh all right.
NP: In fact as Juno says you have to be in this game. So it's an incorrect challenge...
PJ: I think you're a good deal more aggressive than you were when I started!
NP: Because you're a good deal better at the game than when you started! And I have to say, what sounds slightly unchivalrous to Juno, yes you are aggressive because it means she gets a point for an incorrect challenge and keeps the subject with 18 seconds left, starting now.
JA: I take ladies in the car with me, who are extremely brave in view of the way in which I conduct this vehicle on occasion. Especially if I have not seen its interior... oh...
NP: And Kenneth Williams got in first.
KW: I'm afraid it's hesitation.
NP: Yes she teetered so close that eventually she got the hesitation. But you got in first and there are only two seconds Kenneth for you on driving a bargain starting now.
KW: I do it in the Arab countries, I always say "half of what you say is what I'll give..."
NP: Once again Kenneth Williams got two quick points, one for getting in before the whistle and one for speaking when the whistle went so he's now taken the lead at the end of that round. And Kenneth Williams it's your turn to begin.
KW: Thank you very much.
NP: The subject, Benito Mussolini.
KW: Oh him!
NP: So your reaction was delightful but would you talk about him for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well in a political vacuum such as we witnessed in Europe with the collapse of the Weimar Republic and these centres of liberality, there did come into the picture these National Socialists. The form it took in Germany was Nazism and the form in Italy of course...
NP: Clement Freud challenged, why?
NP: Of what?
NP: Yes there were two forms you see. The form in Germany and then there was the form in Italy which was Benito Mussolini's form. There are 45 seconds left for you Clement Freud on Benito Mussolini starting now.
CF: It took in Italy, it was fascism in the person of Benito Mussolini. And the extraordinary thing about this was that during the war, there were 40 million Italian um...
NP: Kenneth Williams got in first.
NP: Yes there was, he didn't want to speak the Fascists again and he couldn't think of another word to replace it with, as he often manages to achieve. Thirty-three seconds on Benito Mussolini now with you Kenneth starting now.
KW: In the Foreign Office correspondence there is a copy of the letter sent by Neville Chamberlain to this gentleman. And it does begin "Mio Caro Benito". And it states that he has been offered the Order of the Bath. And he actually accepted it. Now I know may seem very odd that a fascist dictator out there in Rome should be getting this high order from England. After all it's the sort of thing...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: Repetition of order.
NP: Yes he had the order more than once.
KW: They're more interested in this than the other!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: You're absolutely right Kenneth! They definitely are, we all are, but we still are primarily here to play Just A Minute!
CF: I'll be fair! Kenneth can talk and I can challenge!
NP: Yes so... all right I'm going... Clement has a point for a correct challenge and he continues on Benito Mussolini for eight seconds starting now.
CF: He was a small plump man and immensely vain. He shaved twice a day and had a study which was 38 feet long...
NP: Well Benito Mussolini brought points to both Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud in that round. Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, so he now has gone into the lead alongside Kenneth Williams. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject olives. Can you talk to us about olives for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: When Popeye the cartoon character had a lot of spinach and a surplus amount of energy, his creators, having no idea what else to do, invented for him a wife called Olive. And all that was hers became Olive's. It's also the vegetable grown particularly in the hot countries, and comes either black or green and produces olive oil...
NP: Peter Jones you challenged, why?
PJ: It's not a vegetable.
NP: No it's a fruit isn't it, from a tree. Yes it must be...
PJ: It's from a tree, I don't think it's a vegetable.
NP: No I've always understood it to be a fruit, we'll probably get letters telling me whether I'm right or wrong. Peter Jones gets um olives as a fruit and 32 seconds left starting now.
PJ: Olives are rounded, dark...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?
KW: Well because this is a lot of rubbish! I mean they're obviously not rounded. I mean anyone's only got to look at an olive and they know they're rounded. I mean you see it's just rubbish isn't it.
PJ: They're not square! They're not angular are they!
KW: No but you see...
PJ: Are they rectangular!
KW: But you see they have the same shape as an egg and you don't say that's rounded, you say it's egg shaped. I mean it's shape is unique to itself...
NP: So it's olives...
PJ: I didn't want to say olives are olive shaped! That's boring! If you're talking about eggs, you're entitled to say eggs are egg shaped but I think that's a boring remark! Boring! Boring! Boring!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Kenneth, I think that Peter made a very good point. If you have eggs you talk about then being egg shaped. Olives are not round, he didn't say they were round, he said they were rounded and their surfaces are rounded. Therefore I think it's an incorrect challenge and Peter has 27 seconds to continue with olives starting now.
PJ: And can be squeezed, and you can get olive oil from them, which mixed with egg yolk can make mayonnaise. You have to drip it very slowly...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: It's deviation.
CF: You don't have to drip it very slowly. It's an awful mess, it really is.
NP: You don't have to drip it, no.
CF: He said you have to.
NP: This is the point. I mean there are many ways of...
PJ: I didn't say you have to. I didn't say you have to make mayonnaise!
NP: You did say to make mayonnaise...
PJ: If you do make it, one way of doing it is by dripping it!
NP: No we've got to the stage where everybody's getting very tense about accurate...
PJ: I'm not tense! I'm as relaxed as I've ever been in my life!
NP: So in this state of tension I've got to be very accurate in my decisions and you did say in making mayonnaise you have to drip it. And on that basis Clement challenged you, so I must uphold his challenge as being correct and give him a point and 15 seconds to continue with olives starting now.
CF: In the Mediterranean countries it would be virtually impossible to cook without olives because they or the oil made from them make their appearance in virtually every dish that you...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: He said virtually twice. Repetition.
NP: Yes he did.
CF: (laughs) Two, two people are awake!
NP: All right, virtually was said twice so Peter you have a correct challenge and a point and five seconds for olives starting now.
PJ: In the Mediterranean countries it would be virtually impossible to cook without the use of olive oil...
NP: Peter virtually made his point then about cooking with olive oil and he gained some points and also one for speaking when the whistle went. He has now moved forward considerably. Fat heads, that is the subject on the card in front of me and it's Juno Alexander's too, dear me, Juno Alexander's turn to begin and will you talk to us about fat heads, Julian, Juno for 60 seconds starting now.
JA: These can be very delicious if made out of calves or sheep or pigs. They are difficult to acquire and must be cooked with extreme care. And as the... fat....
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
NP: I think I would agree with that hesitation, fat heads dried her up I'm afraid. And Kenneth you get a point for a correct challenge and I must tell you now and tell the audience and the listeners that this will be the last round because we have no more time. And at this particular moment Kenneth has now moved into the lead alongside Clement Freud, he has the subject of fat heads, he has 44 seconds and he starts now.
KW: I understand this is a slang word and of course refers to people who are imbecilic fools. And they say "oh he's a fat head, doesn't know what he's talking about". And of course some people might apply the term to me, because they do feel very often that I don't really know what I'm discussing. Now that is untrue, I always, I always...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: That's the third of course. Repetition.
NP: Yes you did use of course rather a lot. And at this particular moment of the game, Kenneth has very generously given way on the subject of this small challenge. And kissed Clement Freud to show that there's no ill feeling at this moment. And so Clement has another point and 28 seconds for fat heads starting now.
CF: One of my most embarrassing occasions was when I went to dinner...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Deviation, we're not discussing his most embarrassing occasion.
NP: Kenneth you can ill afford to challenge so rapidly because he might well say that one of his most embarrassing occasions was something to do with a fat head. And he didn't have a chance to establish that. So to be utterly fair that's an incorrect challenge, he didn't get going and he has 25 seconds on fat heads starting now.
CF: And my hostess replied "that is my son" so I said "it suits him". This would have been a much funnier story had I not been interrupted by Kenneth Williams. Fat heads on the part of animals are usually served in a vingerette or sauce velt which consists of oil and vinegar coming from olives, lemon juice, sorrel, watercress, hard boiled egg, chives...
NP: So as Clement Freud's knowledge of food and his ability to keep going in Just A Minute under all opposition gained him not only an extra point but that extra one for speaking when the whistle went. So let me give you the final score. Juno Alexander finished in fourth place, only one point behind Peter Jones who was a little way behind Kenneth Williams who was in second place and he was definitely three points behind this week's winner Clement Freud! We do hope you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and enjoyed the game and of course the way that we play and from all of us here good-bye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.