WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and KATHARINE WHITEHORN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 December 1971)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Katharine Whitehorn in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you have just heard we are delighted to welcome back Katharine Whitehorn. And once again I am going to ask all of them to speak for just one minute if they can on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card. And according to how well they do this, they will gain points or their opponents will gain points. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh nice!
NP: Well we thought it would be nice to have you begin Kenneth. And the subject, oh a wonderful subject for you...
KWi: Oh. It's not a word that I'm normally familiar with, but I'll have a go.
NP: All right, you'll have a go, thank you very much. You have Just A Minute in which to talk on flamboyancy starting now.
KWi: As I understand it, this means to be volatile and very fluent, in terms of speech certainly. But in terms of dress I would say... oh I repeated myself...
NP: Clement Freud pressed his buzzer first and challenged you.
CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.
NP: Deviation, why?
CF: He said I repeated myself. That has nothing to do with flamboyancy.
NP: Well actually Clement, I think you're being too clever because obviously he did repeat himself. I think it's being very flamboyant to suddenly say "I repeated myself" in the middle of the subject on flamboyancy. I thought that was a most flamboyant...
CF: Not in a lower key!
NP: I disagree with your challenge and I therefore award a point to Kenneth Williams who keeps the subject of flamboyancy...
KWi: Lovely chairman! Lovely chairman!
PETER JONES: What about awarding a point to him? Kenneth?
NP: Yeah Kenneth has a point, because I disagree with Clement's challenge...
PJ: Yes. And another point surely, for spotting his own repetition!
KWi: Oh yes! What a good idea Peter! Yes!
NP: No, I'm afraid that I can't give points... unless the audience feel that Kenneth should have an extra point for...
CF: Oh yes!
NP: ...challenging himself.
NP: No they don't, they had their chance!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: It's too late now! It is too late now! You've got to be quicker than that, audience. Kenneth has only one point and he keeps the subject and there are 50 seconds for flamboyancy starting now.
KWi: Well of course, one of the most flamboyant was Vivaldi with that red 'air and those incredible robes...
NP: Katharine Whitehorn has challenged, why?
KATHARINE WHITEHORN: Well I think 'air when it's pronounced like that is entirely irrelevant. It must be deviation.
KWi: How dare you comment on my diction! How dare you!
NP: It wasn't your diction, it was your pronunciation actually. But I think...
KWi: Diction is to do with your pronunciation, you great nit! Anyone knows that!
NP: I think it was a most flamboyant way of describing her appearance. So I disagree with the challenge, you have another point...
KWi: Thank you!
KWh: I resent being described as a great nit, and having you back him up. Or that was what I...
NP: No, no...
KWi: No I didn't mean that, I was meaning the nits in the hair. That's what I meant!
NP: He was actually calling me a great nit! And I'm still giving him a point, that shows you how fair I am Katharine. So there we are...
KWh: Fair to the point of lunacy!
PJ: I think it proves you're a nit!
NP: All right, I'm a double nit! So Kenneth you have another point and there are 43 seconds for flamboyancy starting now.
KWi: Beau Brummell of course when he used to swank...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, why?
CF: Repetition of of course, the third time in three starts.
CF: Give him, give him another point!
NP: No, you are...
CF: No, really not, no, honestly!
NP: You really being very sharp and listening extraordinarily well...
KWi: I was only just warming up! I mean, it's a joke, isn't it! It's a nuisance!
NP: Clement Freud I agree with your challenge...
KWi: He's making himself a nuisance!
NP: Repetition, 41 seconds for flamboyancy starting now.
CF: Flamboyancy is the sort of characteristic that Kenneth Williams often shows on this programme. It is an ability to throw off the normal fetters of life, take off your socks, remove your shoes...
NP: Katharine Whitehorn, you've challenged, why?
KWh: Deviation, socks are not flamboyant, certainly...
NP: You don't know Kenneth Williams' socks!
KWh: I'm proud to say I don't know Kenneth Williams' socks! And I don't mind going to the grave without knowing Kenneth Williams's socks!
NP: Well actually...
KWh: They're not flamboyant!
NP: ...much as I'd like to agree with you, because you haven't played the game for a time, the thing is that when Kenneth Williams takes off his socks, playing Just A Minute, it to me is one of the most flamboyant, as well as one of the most embarrassing things one could see. So on that reason, I have to disagree with the challenge, give a point to Clement Freud, and there are 26 seconds for flamboyancy starting now.
CF: To attend a soiree at The Young Men's Christian Association wearing a daffodil in one ear may well be thought to be a sign of flamboyancy. And yet it is no more than a manifestation of proper behaviour. Because there are societies which believe in this sort of way. And encourage...
NP: Katharine Whitehorn, you've challenged.
KWh: Sort of, repeated.
NP: Quite right Katharine. So two sort ofs, and you've got in just before the whistle, and there are three seconds for flamboyancy Katharine Whitehorn, starting now.
KWh: I'm opposed to anything...
NP: Clement Freud got in.
NP: No! She didn't even... It was a very flamboyant challenge which I disagree with so Katharine has another point and two seconds for flamboyancy starting now.
KWh: Describing the two gentlemen in front of everybody..
NP: If you don't already know it, whoever is speaking in this game when the whistle goes, the whistle by the way tells us that 60 seconds are up, gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Katharine Whitehorn who on her return to the programme at the end of the first round has a commanding lead of one over Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And Peter Jones has yet to score. Clement Freud it is your turn to begin the next round and the subject is dogma. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: It could be said that dogma is the maternal parent of a canine animal...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
NP: Well it was debatable. He was trying to work out this phrase...
KWi: It was hesitation! You know it!
NP: No he didn't quite hesitate. You go slower than that sometimes Kenneth, and I don't award it against you. So it was very sharp, but no, benefit of the doubt to Clement Freud, he has another point...
KWi: Clem you know you hesitated! Why have you gone red?
CF: He who hesitates is red!
KWh: Hesitation is the sincerest form of flattery in your two cases.
NP: Fifty-seven seconds for dogma Clement starting now.
CF: Dogma are beliefs. And...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KWi: Deviation, dogma is, not dogma are.
NP: Surely dogma is the plural for dogmum isn't it?
KWi: You don't say dogma are, you say dogma is.
NP: Do you? I don't know.
KWi: Yes! You don't say dogma are...
NP: Dogma is. I think that is correct...
KWi: Of course it's correct. So I get, I get...
NP: Colloquially speaking, you do say dogma is. Colloquially speaking, yes.
KWi: That's right!
NP: So as we have to be...
CF: The plural of dogma is the same as the singular. Dogma, surely.
CF: Like sheep!
PJ: Do you mean that we've got to...
NP: I think I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to Clement Freud. And 56 seconds left starting now.
CF: I once worked on a radio programme doing...
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
CF: Can you do yourself?
NP: Katharine Whitehorn.
KWi: Quite right! Quite right! Brilliant! Yes! Brilliant! Brilliant!
NP: Well look, we've got to be fair on this, he was getting a bit irritated. Kenneth was so upset because he was speaking colloquially on dogma, and so he tried to intimidate him, disturb and frustrate Clement Freud. I think the fairest thing to do is to charge no points, give Katharine Whitehorn a bonus point for a good challenge, but keep the subject with Clement Freud, with 43 seconds left, dogma starting now.
CF: When you have an animal who barks and raises his right foot, preferably the one on the opposite side, in order...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KWi: Deviation, the subject is dogs, it's nothing to do with dogma. Whatever the word dogma means, it's nothing to do with dogs raising their legs or...
NP: You see... (laughs) Dog is in the word on the card, and I think Clement was going in a rather strange and devious way to introduce this...
KWi: Yes well rep is in the word repellent but you wouldn't discuss a weekly rep if you were discussing the word repellent.
NP: But you could if you wished, you see, that's the whole thing about this game...
KWi: No, you have to discuss the word, not part of it!
NP: No you can take the word and interpret it in any way you wish. I don't think, strictly speaking, he had yet deviated from the subject on the card. And we now have 33 seconds, still with Clement, dogma starting now.
CF: Honour, loyalty, duty, brotherly, courteous, kind, obedient...
CF: ...smiling, thrifty, clean in thought and mind, could well be said to be the dogma of the Boy Scout Movement founded by Lord er... I forget his name...
NP: Ah Katharine Whitehorn.
CF: Baden Powell!
NP: Lord Baden Powell.
NP: Hesitation, yes.
KWh: I don't know, or has er acquired the status of a word on this programme?
NP: No, no, definitely not, no, it definitely hasn't. And Baden Powell...
KWi: A touch of sarcasm there! Has er acquired the status of a word! Status of a word! What are you talking about! She's sending you up, didn;t you know!
NP: It's not unusual for everybody on this programme to send me up Kenneth. And you'd know that better than anybody else! And if she's doing it, it shows that she knows what the programme's all about! So Katharine Whitehorn you have a point and you have 17 seconds for dogma starting now.
KWh: Hillaire Belloc said that a man was putting up a candle in the hope that he could cross the Atlantic, and that he, Belloc, was putting up another candle in the...
NP: Clement Freud you pressed your buzzer first.
CF: Repetition of Belloc.
NP: Yes I'm afraid there was. Ten seconds for Clement to take back dogma starting now.
CF: GK Chesterton, a well-known friend of Hillaire Belloc, once said many words on the subject of dogma, few of which one should repeat on a programme suitable for family, some of whom have come from King's Cross...
NP: On this occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went which has taken him into a lead of two over Katharine Whitehorn at the end of the second round. Peter Jones, your turn to begin, the subject is spiders. Can you talk to us about those insects for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Now this could be fortunate. It might be a slice of luck. Because a few weeks ago, my children were discussing over a rather desultory meal of fish fingers...
NP: Katharine Whitehorn you challenged. Why?
KWh: What, it's a deviation towards the fish fingers, I don't see what they've got to do with...
NP: Well it was over this desultory meal of fish fingers they were obviously discussing the subject of spiders, I presume. He had established that they were er the subject...
KWh: Yeah but he could go on about this meal for days, couldn't he?
NP: He could but...
PJ: I'm not going to! No!
NP: It's up to you to challenge if you think he's...
PJ: I mean I...
NP: ...talking about the meal and not about spiders. I don't think he's yet got off the subject of spiders, which is the subject on the card. So I'm afraid I must disagree with the challenge, give a point to Peter, 49 seconds for spiders Peter starting now.
PJ: And because it was rather tedious food, I paid more attention to their conversation than I normally do. And they told me that they are not actually animals nor are they insects. They're something in between on account of the head not being firmly fixed to the abdomen which makes them of a name which I can't actually recall. And the male...
NP: Clement Freud why have you...
CF: Repetition of actually.
NP: They are being tough, aren't they today! Yes he did say actually twice, but I think it's very tough. But I've got to stick to the rules of the game so Clement you get a point for that and there are 28 seconds for spiders starting now.
CF: I had a landlady who said if you found a spider in your room, you would have your entire rent repaid. And as a result of this, all tenants who frequented the lady in question took with the match boxes with...
NP: Peter Jones you challenged.
PJ: Frequent the lady in question?
NP: Yes repetition of lady, you're quite right Peter, you have a point...
NP: ...and there are 13 seconds for spiders starting now.
PJ: And the male of the species has a very difficult time when he wants to make love to the female, because she is quite apt to eat anything moving which comes her way. And so...
NP: Well I'm glad Peter didn't have any time to continue with that particular process, as interesting as it was. Peter you really have leapt forward now, you've gone from fourth to third, five points behind our leader who is still very definitely Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams we're back to you again and the subject for you is Lady Godiva. Can you... it appeals to the audience, you on Lady Godiva! And... you needn't look like that! Did it bore you very much? Anyway you have just one minute to talk about her starting now.
KWi: One thing we can say is that she was a chaste lady, and rode this horse through the streets of Coventry with this very beautiful hair cascading down over her naked body. And was honoured by all the inhabitants in that city, in so far as they did not pry except for one miscreant. Now this is the origin of your peeping Tom business to which of course...
NP: Katharine Whitehorn you challenged, why?
KWh: Well, it's deviant! I mean I don't mean so much the peeping Tom thing which would doubtless be discussed better in the pages of a psychological magazine. But you're now going into the subsequent career of peeping Toms and not Lady Godiva herself.
NP: But Peeping Tom, he well established, was looking at Lady Godiva. And as the subject he's on about is Lady Godiva, so I don't think he was strictly speaking deviating from the subject on the card Katharine. So I award him another point and he keeps the subject with 23 seconds left starting now.
KWi: However she did undoubtedly incur the wrath of Leafrick. And when she got back to the calf, and he said "what do you want to go gallivanting around like that with everyone seeing you?" she said "on the contrary!" She said "they didn't witness the incident," she said, "because they were all indoors and behaving themselves, apart from this peeping Tom..."
NP: Oh Clement Freud got in just before the whistle went then.
CF: Repetition of Peeping Tom.
NP: Yes. Peeping Tom, what a pity. One second later and Clement Freud wouldn't have been in and he has a point for Peeping Tom and one second to go Clement starting now.
NP: So alas because we wanted you to keep the subject to the end, because you'd started and were going so well with it Kenneth, Clement got in before the whistle, gained an extra two points there and still of course in the lead. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, handicap. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: A handicap in the world of equestrian sport is a weight allocated to a horse which the man in charge of compiling this feels will make the animal in question run equally fast as... lesser...
NP: (laughs) Kenneth Williams has challenged.
NP: He was getting so confused! I think you rather saved him actually there.
KWi: Yes of course. It's all appalling.
NP: You can see in this game having started on a train of thought and describing something which doesn't quite make sense, you've got to keep going and try and get out of it. And Clement couldn't quite achieve it on that occasion. He usually does. Kenneth you have a point and there are 43 seconds for handicap starting now.
KWi: Well mine indeed is a handy cap. And I fold it into a half-moon, slip it into my raincoat pocket, and thus am prepared for all emergencies. Come rain, come shine, there I am...
NP: Peter Jones has... challenged. Why?
PJ: Repetition of come.
NP: Come rain or shine, there...
KWh: Come rain, come shine.
PJ: Come rain, come shine.
NP: That's right, yes. Your flamboyance tripped you up, I'm afraid Kenneth. Peter you have a point, 29 seconds for handicap starting now.
PJ: It can be a very heavy weight carried on the back. And jogging up a hill, it can make one...
KWi: Two cans!
NP: Two cans, right.
KWi AND PJ LAUGH LOUDLY
NP: I must explain to the listeners the audience are clapping because they're all slinting their eyes now to see how sharp they can be with each other. And Kenneth was the sharpest on that occasion, he gains another point and there are 22 seconds for handicap starting now.
KWi: The only trouble is when the proofing of the material goes off. Now that...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Yeah, they're all words!
NP: Yes but you see he didn't repeat the word word. And you can't play this game without repeating words.
CF: Can't you?
CF: You can't very well...
NP: Haven't you discovered that Clement?
KWi: Don't be so witless and stupid!
NP: Well I wouldn't worry Kenneth, you've got another point and...
KWi: Oh thank you! Oh good!
NP: Yes! For an incorrect challenge and you have 14 and a half seconds for handicap starting now.
KWi: (in American female accent) On the left coast there is another kind of handicap and this is always used in golf terms. And they get on those greens, you know, and throw the balls about into bunkers and canals and terrible places...
NP: I don't know what that last bit was about Kenneth, but you completely inhibited the other three from challenging.
KWi: It was supposed to be Carol Channing! Didn't you know?
NP: Yeah but you were completely, you were talking about throwing balls into bunkers! They don't! They hit them!
KWi: Amateur golfers throw them everywhere! Have you ever tried it! Oh good gracious me!
NP: Anyway Kenneth at the end of that round you have leapt from fourth place into second place. But you're behind Clement Freud who's still very definitely in the lead. And Katharine Whitehorn your turn to begin, the subject, red tape. Can you talk to us on that for Just A Minute starting now.
KWh: If blue tape is the kind of tape that you... tie up...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KWi: Deviation, the subject is red tape, so we don't want to discuss blue.
NP: Yes but she didn't have a chance to get going did she?
KWi: And she hesitated as well.
NP: That's too late, your challenge was ah, was deviation. And I think she was about to do a comparison with red tape so I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to Katharine, she has 55 seconds to continue with red tape Katharine starting now.
NP: Kenneth, Clement Freud has challenged.
NP: Yes there was a hesitation but she was thrown off by Kenneth's last challenge so I'm not going to allow it...
KWh: Would you care to allocate breathing time on this programme?
KWi: You don't get any breathing time! You've got to jump straight in!
NP: You don't get any quarter at all Katharine! They don't give any quarter...
KWi: You have your gulp of air while he's giving you the cue!
NP: There's no sense of...
KWh: Extraordinary breathing noises you will hear from now on! (breathes in and out noisily)
NP: Katharine take your breath, and I will say, no I'll do it this way. I'll say there are...
KWh: Hurry up!
NP: Breathe out! Breathe out and do it this way. There are 54 seconds for you Katharine Whitehorn on red tape, take a breath, starting now.
KWh: (breathes in) You...
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I'll try again! There are 53 seconds for you, Katharine Whitehorn, take a breath, red tape, starting now.
KWh: Pink ribbons are what you tie up the photographs of little girls that your grandmother thinks are very sweet. Blue tape are the things that you tie up the letters from your boyfriend...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
CF: Repetition of tie up.
NP: Yes I'm afraid you've had more than one tie up. So Clement, this time it's a correct challenge and there are 45 seconds for red tape starting now.
CF: It is generally believed that the reason why red tape is called red tape is that because it was used to be tied around official documents such as briefs or Government papers. And they of course are the people who spend most time waffling, or to put it your way, indulging in red tape. A man I know who lives in Chambers which is another way of saying that his residence is in the Innercourt, London, WC2, makes his most of money by electing...
NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?
NP: Yes he was, he was...
KWi: ...grinding to a halt!
NP: ...getting to a point where...
KWi: See that lady there! She's nodding! She's agreeing with me!
NP: Eight seconds with you on red tape Kenneth starting now.
KWi: This is usually done with ceiling wax. And as it drops on the paper, you bang a great seal on it. And it's lovely to look at!
NP: At the end of that round Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, he has gained an extra point for doing so. At the end of that round Clement is still in the lead, Kenneth is now definitely in second place, and Peter Jones and Katharine Whitehorn are just about equal just behind Kenneth Williams in third place. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, introductions. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: These are something that we're generally believed to be not quite so good at, here in England. And I of course include in Britain, Scotland, Ireland and Wales, as they are over the Atlantic in America where they are really excellent at this kind of social gesture...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.
KWi: Deviation, completely untrue. The English are as successful at introducing people as anybody else in the world.
NP: Whether you think that or not, you're allowed to think whatever you like in this game. I disagree with your challenge, Peter Jones has another point and there are 43 seconds left starting now.
PJ: How often has been one invited to a party and stood just in...
NP: Kenneth Williams...
KWi: Deviation, I'm not often invited to parties!
NP: Well bad luck for you Kenneth Williams! Peter Jones has got another point...
KWi: Well he should say "how often I've been". He said "how often one is!" I'm not!
NP: He's still not deviating from the subject of introductions.
PJ: Well only one is. Not many, one!
NP: One! Yes! (laughs) Peter you have another point and there are 37...
KWi: He's getting points like mad! The blue eyed boy this week, he is!
NP: Thirty-seven seconds for introductions starting now.
PJ: And once inside the door, one stands on the threshold of a huge room, being held by the hand by the hostess who's shaky and nervous...
KWi: By the, by the, twice.
NP: All right, by the, by the, all right. This time your sharp ears have got in, another point for you Kenneth Williams and there are 29 seconds for introductions starting now.
KWi: Well the right way to do this is "of course, you know who this is?" When they say "no", you say "Muriel". And they're forced immediately...
NP: Peter Jones why...
PJ: His name isn't Muriel!
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
PJ: Now he said, ah, he challenged me when I said one was invited to a party. And now he's er trying to pretend that he's Muriel! And my friend Muriel is not going to like it all!
NP: All right, Peter Jones has a point for Muriel and Kenneth Williams also has a point for an incorrect challenge and he keeps the subject and there are 18 seconds for introductions starting now.
KWi: And the other way to do it is to say "do you recall the occasion on that very very hot and lovely.."
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of very.
NP: Yes, very sharp there. Two verys, Clement Freud, repetition, you've gained a point, 11 seconds, introductions starting now.
CF: I have felt that the best way to introduce people who you don't know is to turn to one of them and say "I'm terribly sorry, I can't remember your other name", at which the person says "Smith" and you say "well of course I knew that.."
NP: On that occasion Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went so he gained the extra point. And I'm afraid we have no more time so I must give you now the score at the end of what was the final round. And as you probably guessed, Katharine Whitehorn came just in fourth place. She was leading almost at one time. She was a few points behind Kenneth Williams in second place, behind this week's undoubted winner, Clement Freud. We do hope that you've enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye.
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.