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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring PAUL MERTON, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and TONY HAWKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 January 1995)
NOTE: Alison Harford's last appearance blowing the whistle. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four exciting panelists who are going to play the game this week. Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Paul Merton and Tony Hawks, would you please welcome all four of them! And this particular edition of Just A Minute is being performed before a Fringe audience at the Pleasance Theatre during the 1994 Edinburgh International Festival. And as usual I'm going to ask our four panelists to speak if they can on the subject I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Paul Merton will you begin the show this week, and the subject, very aptly for Edinburgh is the Firth of Forth. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now. PAUL MERTON: The Firth of Forth, so much better than the Third of Fifth, I find. Marvelous stretch of water. I often when I'm in Edinburgh, I go for a swim. I get up at half past seven in the morning and I go down there. I go on to the bridge and I... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo's challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Too many goes. NP: Yeah you were going too much there. PM: Yes! I just get so excited about it! NP: Yeah I know, you were really a great goer there. Right Derek Nimmo, a correct challenge, so you get a point for that, you take over the subject, the Firth of Forth, there are 47 seconds left starting now. DN: Starting at North Berwick it continues, this great elbow of the sea, up the river and afa going.. BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. DN: So sorry. PM: Deviation I think. DN: Oh terrible. PM: Elbows! Elbow of the sea I think threw him! NP: So Paul I agree with the challenge, a point to you for a correct challenge, 42 seconds are left for you to take the subject back, Firth of Forth starting now. PM: I bathe in the cool clear H2O which just laps against my chin as I bathe... oh! BUZZ NP: Derek? DN: Well it's not cool and clear, that's for one thing! NP: So that's deviation... PM: It's cool! NP: ... but it was also hesitation. Right Derek, another correct challenge, 35 seconds for you, the Firth of Forth starting now. DN: My favourite village of the Firth of Forth is Crummond. I used to go and stay there as a child many years ago in a house called Crummond House. And a woman called... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Two Crummonds and two houses. NP: Yes there were. All right, don't rub it in Clement, I mean one's enough! DN: Very sorry about that Clay, I'm sorry, I'm not very attentive really. NP: Clement Freud, correct challenge, 26 seconds are left, the Firth of Forth starting now. CF: I don't actually know a lot about the Firth of Forth, other than that the temperature is not cool and the water is unclear. It is in fact a filthy stretch of water between... BUZZ BOOS FROM THE CROWD NP: Tony Hawks challenged. TONY HAWKS: I thought I'd get in before the audience lynched him! NP: Yes! APPLAUSE FROM THE CROWD TH: He did repeat water as well. NP: He did repeat water, well done Tony yes. So 12 seconds are left for you to tell us something about the Firth of Forth starting now. TH: The Firth of Forth is a marvellous stretch of water! APPLAUSE AND CHEERS FROM THE CROWD TH: How I love to wander down to it! It is the gateway to the north of Scotland and you can go across the bridge and stand looking at the... extent... WHISTLE BUZZ NP: Yes all right! Whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gains an extra point and it was Tony Hawks so he's equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo at the end of the round. Derek your turn to begin, the subject big hands. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now. DN: Well I haven't got particularly large hands myself, nor have I particularly wanted to have them. I don't know why I said particularly three times now... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Particularly three times. NP: Yeah particularly, yes. Right 51 seconds for you on big hands starting now Paul. PM: I think it was Anwar Sadat who had that hit record with You Need Hands To Hold Someone You Care For. And this is true because one of my favourite footballers when I was growing up was Pat Jennings, who played for Spurs at the time. And he had these enormous hands. One of his tricks was when the ball was coming across from the wing, he'd leap up, like a salmon leaping out of the Firth of Forth, and grabbing the ball just like that, just in the middle of his huge... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two justs. NP: Two justs, yes ah yes. BOOS FROM THE CROWD PM: Well it was... (laughs) NP: I think we would call that not a popular challenge! But it was a correct challenge so I have to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute and Derek, it was correct, you have 33 seconds, you take back big hands starting now. DN: I think it's an American expression, I really rather hate it. They say "come on, give him a big hand" which means that someone needs desperately a bit of applause because nobody's ever heard of them! And they toddle on to the stage and again they say "another big hand" when they've finished. Why they have to keep on reiterating those words, I do not know. There used to be a place called, near Dumfries where they used to have hand faces, big... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Deviation, there can't be a place called Near Dumfries! Unless it's very small! NP: You're on form tonight Paul, yes, correct challenge, 14 seconds, big hands starting now. PM: A big hand is usually given for someone who has entertained an audience at some point. I agree with Derek, sometimes this is artificially put into the proceedings. But in this case... oh I don't know what I'm talking about! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Ah too many thises! NP: Yes yes, rescuing him as well. Five seconds, Clement, big hands starting now. CF: Big hands is an anagram of Bashing D. It's also... a city... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks challenged. TH: I don't think it is! NP: Oh right. I must explain to our listeners... TH: Mind you, I'm guessing! NP: Yes, you're guessing! Dashing what did you say? DN: Bashing. CF: Bashing D. DN: D. NP: I think he's right actually... DN: Why are we suddenly doing crossword puzzles? NP: Half a second for you Clement on big hands starting now. CF: Large gloves! WHISTLE NP: So at the end of that round Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, he's now in the lead, just ahead of Paul Merton and Derek Nimmo and Tony Hawks only one point behind those other two. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject influencing people. Sixty seconds as usual starting now. CF: I think if you want to influence people, there's no better subject to talk about than big hands! Um, there are many who believe that large mitts or excessively big digits... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Repetition of big. NP: Yes you said that big, it's not on the card, that was last time. So 48 seconds are left Paul for you on influencing people starting now. PM: Influencing people of course is an anagram of pinfluencing eople.. BUZZ PM: ...which is a little small town just outside Dumfries.... NP: Oh I'm sorry. Tony Hawks you challenged. TH: I'm afraid it isn't! PM: What? TH: There's, there's no, there's no K in influencing people. NP: On this occasion Tony I definitely agree with you. So you have the subject of influencing people, there are 42 seconds left starting now. TH: There are many ways of influencing people, with money, with fame, with standing... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Two withs. NP: Two withs. So Clement, another point to you and another, and the subject again, 38 seconds for influencing people starting now. CF: Mr Chris Eubank influences people enormously with his fists. Many have fallen on to the canvas floor and been unable to get up again, as a consequence of punishment by this black pugilist. Other ways of influencing people would be to persuade them to adopt a new policy. Politics of a kind they have not previously experienced or practiced. Or possibly taking them for a walk in Scotland and showing them the beauties of the topography, the clear water, the fast running deer and hare, the... WHISTLE NP: You had the audience on the edge of their seats Clement! They could almost see the mental wheels turning in your brain as you gained an extra point for doing so and have increased your lead at the end of that round. Tony Hawks would you take the next round, karaoke or carrie-okee as some people pronounce it. There are 60 seconds on the subject starting now. TH: (singing) At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Thinking I could never live without you, by my side. And now I've spent so many nights thinking how you treat me wrong, Do you think I'd fall? Do you think I'd lay down and die? No, not I! (speaking) This is the sort of song that people like to sing when they're doing karaoke. They get up there on that stage. It's their chance to have a little piece of stardom and boy, do they grab it with both of their... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Well it's just patronising! Their chance to grab a little piece of stardom! NP: Well it may be patronising but it still wasn't deviating from Just A Minute. So Paul, the audience liked your challenge, I'll give you a bonus point for that. But Tony gets a point for being interrupted, Tony gets a point for being interrupted, right. And he keeps the subject of karaoke... BUZZ PM: Repetition! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: So Tony you carry on with 34 seconds left starting now. TH: (singing) And now the end is near, And so I face... (speaking) These young people... I've said people... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of people. NP: Yes. TH: I nearly didn't say it that time though! NP: Twenty-one seconds Derek, karaoke starting now. DN: I have some particular friends called Leslie Melville who live in a place called Locklickin near Garr. And they have bought a karaoke machine, and it's an absolute nightmare! Because after a wondrous dinner, marvellous salmon and so on, one retires to play and sing karaoke. It is ghastly! You don't, even fortified by a number of drams it doesn't improve my voice. I sing absolutely horrendously, out of tune... BUZZ DN: What's the matter? NP: Clement Freud challenged. DN: What's the matter? CF: Why are they friends? LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE DN: They're friends because the fishing's very good! NP: Yeah! You deserve it! One second on karaoke starting now. DN: Who? Me? NP: Yes. DN: Kara... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. CF: One second! PM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes Paul. Two seconds, karaoke starting now. PM: (singing) Why am I... WHISTLE NP: Right, so Paul Merton's got an extra point, he's leapt forward, he's equal with Clement Freud at the end of that round. They're both leading Tony Hawks and Derek Nimmo who are equal in second place. And Paul your turn to begin, the subject, postcards. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now. PM: Whenever I'm away from home, I tend to send postcards back to my loved ones and friends. I like to write them because I think it can express... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks challenged. TH: Why have I never got one then? PM: I think it... APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE PM: I did say friends and loved ones! NP: Yes! PM: I mean I send one to the Karaoke people all the time! NP: So you're not a loved, a loved... TH: Yes! NP: So what was the serious challenge? TH: There was no serious! Did you not notice? I was being frivolous, I'm so sorry! NP: I give you a bonus point for being frivolous because the audience enjoyed it. But he did actually repeat something which you didn't spot. TH: Ah! NP: And er... TH: You're so clever Nicholas! NP: No! I'm not! Fifty-two seconds, postcards starting now. PM: George and Ethel Postcard are two of my oldest friends. They live just... BUZZ DN: Repetition of friends. NP: Yes. You taled about sending postcards to your friends before, and loved ones. You mentioned the word friends. PM: Yes I did. TH: So who are these George and Ethel Postcard? PM: Well if Derek hadn't interrupted I could have given you a thumbnail picture! TH: Because they get a bloody postcard, don't they? NP: Derek, 48 seconds on postcards starting now. DN: In 1972 I took my family to Saigon just before the Tet Offensive for a holiday. There weren't many people there... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: This is deviation, taking your family to Saigon in the middle of... Surely this is dreadful! DN: It's true! PM: Is it true? Oh carry on then! NP: I don't think he'd actually got under way and got to postcards, I think they were coming up. So yes I give him the benefit of the doubt. Forty-one seconds, Derek, postcards starting now. DN: My wife said principally I had gone there so I could send a picture postcard of tanks and bombs going off to my mother-in-law saying "wish you were here". The great British postcard of course as done by Mr McGill is I suppose one of the great... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Ah hesitation. NP: Yes indeed, yes. Clement, another point, 26 seconds, postcards starting now. CF: I think it's fair to say that it is a huge mistake to write "private and confidential" on a postcard because so many people are likely to read the content and spoil the thrust of that simple message. I have sent postcards to people from every county in Ireland, 26 in the south, six in the north... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks has challenged. TH: Repetition of six. NP: Yes. Twenty-six and six. Well listened Tony and you've got in with four seconds to go on postcards starting now. TH: Whenever I go away I make a point of sending a postcard to Paul Merton. I would.. WHISTLE NP: Ah yes Tony Hawks was speaking then as the whistle went and gained that extra point. He's now in second place just behind our joint leaders Paul Merton and Clement Freud. And Derek Nimmo is one point behind him. And Derek it's your turn to begin, and the subject is good nights. Would you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now. DN: There are I suppose many good knights in Britain. There are quite a lot of bad knights as well. And most of them belong to an order of chivalry, except for the Knights Bachelor who don't. Sir Clement Freud is one of those very good knights who is not one of the CB or anything like that. The orders are these. The First Order is the Garter Order. There's something going... what's the matter? BUZZ DN: I think there's an uneasy noise behind me! Somebody is cleaning up wrongly... NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes there definitely was! CF: I didn't want anyone to interrupt him if he was going to go on talking about me! DN: No! NP: That is the cleverest way out of getting out of some ploy I've ever heard of. But Clement you've got a point, you've got 39 seconds, you've got good nights starting now. CF: I blame Ovaltine. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Well he just sort of stopped, didn't he? NP: I know he did. CF: It was a statement. NP: It was a statement. He had his Ovaltine and went straight to sleep! Thirty-five seconds Derek on good nights starting now. DN: I had a wonderful night last night with Emma Freud, the daughter of Sir Clement. we went to this extraordinary performance where there were rats in a cage and clowns beneath and they stealthily stepped round these quadrupeds. And the stench was unbelievable! But this was a representation of some new kind of modern art which this lovely daughter showed to me for the first time, I thought it was very enjoyable. And then we went to see some statue and things from Sarayevo, piles of bricks! Quite fun! And then to Bouncers, and there she abandoned me, this glorious wondrous. I felt absolutely peculiarly at home... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking then as the whistle went, he was hesitating, deviating and repeating himself. But the others let him go because they thoroughly enjoyed it and so did the audience. And you kept going until the whistle went and gained an extra point. You are equal in second place with Paul Merton, Clement Freud's one ahead in the lead. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, bunkum. Will you tell us something about bunkum in this game starting now. CF: Seven 9s are 56. If we are marked to die, we are enough to do our country loss. And if to live, the fewer men the greater of honour seems to me total bunkum! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: Almost as much as getting the Kings and Queens of England in the right order, let alone the wrong one. I have several bits of advice to give people here. Go out and jump straight into the lake and you will become drier and warmer. Steal your bathroom towels. Do not book into the Hickton Hotel because it is of no good to anyone. BUZZ CF: Bunkum! NP: Tony Hawks has challenged. TH: He's on drugs! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: We're going to have a dope test after the show actually! PM: (laughs) I don't know if you'll pass it Nicholas! NP: I've been dopey for years! Made a good living out of it! PM: You heard it here first! NP: Yes! DN: I saw a sign in a car going "grow your own dope, plant Nicholas Parsons!" NP: Eleven seconds, Tony Hawks, bunkum starting now. TH: Mocknub... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: No! He came in very rapidly! Sixteen seconds, bunkum, Tony Hawks starting now. TH: I do not agree with the rest of the panel who sometimes say that Nicholas Parsons talks nothing but bunkum. He has a difficult job to do up there and my goodness, he gives it his very best. He falls some way short of being er average... BUZZ NP: Um... CF: Hesitation. NP: No I think it was deviation, I don't... BUZZ TH: Come on! We can't wait for this decision! NP: No I can't. Paul what was your challenge? PM: Deviation! NP: Clement challenged first for hesitation which I disagreed with so actually technically Tony must keep the subject with three seconds to go on bunkum starting now. TH: Lord Looks Lummy, I've never been to a shop with those kind of trousers before on my ears... WHISTLE NP: So Tony Hawks was speaking as the whistle went, and he's now one ahead of Clement Freud and two ahead of Derek Nimmo and Paul Merton. And he also begins the next round, Tony the subject is bats. After bunkum we go to bats and you start now. TH: Tabs is an anagram of bats. Not very sophisticated but I am a beginner in that particular game. Now I used to have a table tennis bat when I was little. And I was so thrilled when I got my first one which had sponge on it. This could really impress the other children at the school. Oh my goodness, Tony's got a bat with that surface over the front of it. We are very scared of taking him on, because he might beat us 11-nil and that would be a humiliation. So they didn't and I had to find another sport to do instead. And I chose cricket. And I had a marvelous bat of that persuasion. It was wood which is a good start and it had a handle at the top. That's the best way to have cricket bats, I believe. But there... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged. DN: Don't you have a handle at the bottom? TH: I had it upside down! NP: That is not actually a challenge within Just A Minute, but he did repeat cricket but you didn't spot that. Twenty-two seconds, bats Tony starting now. TH: They fly about... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: He repeated cricket. HISSES AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: They think you're mean but I've got to, within the rules of Just A Minute give it to you Clement, 21 seconds on bats starting now. CF: Stab is a good anagram of bats. I just thought I would mention this. BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Well he was so pleased with mentioning it, he sort of just stopped. NP: Fifteen seconds are left for bats with you um Paul starting now. PM: I used to live in this early Norman church and there were these bats in the belfry which would come down at half past seven every night and start screeching in your ear. Absolutely unbelievable noise. So one night I went up there with a shotgun, I thought I'm going to get rid of these little devils. So they flew across, bang, and there was one bat less than there had been before. So then four bats... WHISTLE NP: Well it just shows you how talented they all are because Tony Hawks is in the lead but only one ahead of Paul Merton and Clement Freud. And they are only one point ahead of Derek Nimmo. And Paul Merton it's your turn to begin, the subject is Parson's nose. There are 60 seconds as usual starting now. PM: Nicholas Parsons knows that he's greatly appreciated by the great British public. They can't get enough of him. As long as they don't have to pay any money, they're quite willing to come along and watch something like Just A Minute being recorded at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Whether it's his natty style of dress, and his urbane manners, there's something about him that is quinsitentially English... BUZZ NP: Tony Hawks you challenged. TH: He's made up a new word there! PM: Quinsitentially? TH: Quintessentially I believe. NP: Yes I think it is. But.. PM: I was using the 17th century pronunciation. TH: You were probably... NP: Probably because you think that was the century I was born or something! Tony I agree, deviation from the English language so 38 seconds for you to tell us something about Parson's nose starting now. TH: If there is any deviation or hesitation or repetition that takes place on this particular programme, then God, does Nicholas Parsons knows. I've made that not right, have I... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Slight deviation from the English language there. Does Nicholas Parsons knows! TH: It was rubbish, I know. NP: Yeah. Paul, 29 seconds, Parson's nose starting now. PM: Nicholas Parsons knows that people hate him. They can't... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: He said Nicholas before. PM: Oh yes. NP: That's right, yes. Right Clement, you have how many seconds, 21, on parson's nose starting now. CF: I think quite an interesting thing for the British Broadcasting Corporation to have done was to introduce set aside for Nicholas Parsons. It means that he doesn't have to work and gets paid. And the fact that you see him in this game today going through the motions of chairmanship is actually a wonderful... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton you challenged. PM: Hesitation. NP: Yeah and I'd have had him for deviation. Five seconds on parson's nose starting now. PM: Every Christmas we would look forward to the moment when my mother threw open the kitchen door and presented us with our... WHISTLE NP: Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And he's now one ahead of Tony Hawks and then Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in that order. And Derek, your turn to begin, the subject, brakes. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. DN: I wish I had a break in the last question really, because I wanted to talk about Parsons' nose and in particular that lies beneath it. Because I think the audience ought to know that he's wearing the most lurid blazer that's ever been seen north of the border. And a tie, because he has no shame, to match it. And now I've had my break I shall probably move on and talk about brakes elsewhere for my car. Now that actually has very poor once. I had them fixed at the garage in Northamptonshire just before Easter and they really don't work. So sometimes when I'm sliding down a hill and press on the brake pedal, it doesn't stop. And as a result I went into a greenhouse in a village called Onie, demolishing a lot of plants and two cars that lay on either side of my motor vehicle. The car registration number is SA75 if any of the constabulary in Buckinghamshire are looking for me and it would be very nice if they did... find me because... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton. PM: Hesitation unfortunately. NP: When? PM: When he stopped between words! NP: I think he... DN: No that actually was a fullstop. NP: I think he meant... PM: In the middle of a sentence? NP: No I didn't notice him hesitating. Did he? PM: Well whether you noticed it or not Nicholas, I can't be held responsible for the few things you notice in life! NP: Derek I disagree with the challenge, you have five more seconds on breaks starting now. DN: Playing snooker of course it's very important to get a really good break. If you watch that programme that comes from the Crucible Theatre... WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, he's still in fourth place. Um, but he's only one behind Clement Freud who's one behind Tony Hawks who's one behind Paul Merton. That is the order. We're moving into the final round and Tony it happens to be your turn to begin as well. The subject is pippins, will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. TH: You might not believe this, but there was actually a girl at my school called Mary Pippins who was a dreadful girl who insisted on taking an umbrella everywhere she went even if it wasn't raining. And had a list of her favourite things, but that's from another film, isn't it? I think... Anyway, pippins are apples... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton has challenged you. PM: Hesitation. NP: I know, he was so overcome with his joke, he couldn't keep going. So Paul you've got pippins, you've got 43 seconds starting now. PM: I know Mary Pippins as well and she's a wonderful individual. She's absolutely gorgeous. She walks down the street and everybody goes "oh look there's Pippins". And that's exactly who she is. She walks round... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged, yes? Repetition of walks, Pippins was doing too much walking. PM: Mmmmm. NP: Thirty-two seconds, Clement, pippins starting now. CF: I had quite an interesting conversation once with some farmers who grew apples in Wisbech. And the Ministry of Agriculture had told me that the price of this fruit was going to collapse and I told them. And one of my constituents was good enough to reply "you are wrong, apples are going up". And I said "this will come as a body blow to Sir Isaac Newton." Pippins are probably the nicest growth of fruit in that there's room, ah, mistake... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Hesitation. NP: You have got exactly one second to tell us something about pippins Paul starting now. PM: I suppose my friend... WHISTLE NP: So Paul Merton got in then before the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And I will now give you the final score. It is extremely close because they're all so good at the game. So very few points separate Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Tony Hawks in that order. But just three points ahead of them all is Paul Merton so we say he's the winner this week, Paul Merton! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. It only remains for me to thank our four outstanding players of the game. And also Alison Harford who's kept the score and also blown her whistle for us so magnificently. And also our producer Anne Jobson and of course particularly Ian Messiter who thought of the game, without whom we wouldn't still be playing it. And from me Nicholas Parsons until we take to the air once more and play Just A Minute, from all of us good-bye. THEME MUSIC |
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