NOTE: Jacqueline MacKenzie's first appearance.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Jacqueline MacKenzie in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And what a delightful looking audience you appear to be. Well, once again we are all in the Playhouse Theatre. And we have the three famous exponents of the game, and we welcome to the programme for the first time, on the distaff side to challenge these three keen men, Jacqueline MacKenzie. And... and the rules are still the same. I'm going to ask each one to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. In other words, without deviating from the subject. And according to how well they manage to do it, they will gain points or perhaps give them away. And let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject that's been chosen for you is my cooker. Can you talk about my cooker for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: My cooker is a woman. And her names are Patricia Sybil Anne Nimmo and she happens to be my wife. And every morning...


NP: Kenneth Williams, you've challenged right away.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: He's not discussing a cooker, he's discussing a person.

NP: Well he is discussing a person...

KW: A person can't be a cooker! A person can be a cook!

NP: I think....


KW: There you are, you see!

NP: This is a very....

DN: Well if you walk, you're a walker.

KW: You don't say to her "here, you're a cooker!" You say, you say to her "you're a good cook, you are".

CLEMENT FREUD: My children say you're a good cooker to me.

NP: Right away, I'm not going to be the judge of this, because it immediately puts me in the...

KW: You coward! Yes! Sneaking out of it!

NP: No I happen to know Derek's wife is a very charming person and I don't know whether...

KW: Oh!

NP: ...she should be called a cooker or not.

KW: Hark at all the flannel that's going on.

CF: She's just been converted!

NP: She's just been what?

CF: Converted!

NP: Oh?

CF: To natural gas!

NP: Well we've got off to a rip-roaring start!

DN: (laughs loudly)

NP: They've all had a jolly good joke. I'm now going to ask the audience to join in right at the very beginning of the show. And if you agree with Kenneth Williams' challenge will you cheer and if you disagree with his challenge will you boo, and will you all do it together now.


NP: They don't think that Derek should call his wife a cooker! Is that clearly understood Derek? So Kenneth you...

KW: Quite right!

NP: ...gain the subject, you gain a point for that's a correct challenge and there are 52 seconds left for my cooker starting now.

KW: My cooker is white and very beautiful in a clinical way. I often like just to sit looking at the chromium gleaming against the white background and the little curtains....


NP: Er...

KW: What! How dare you!

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: What's his challenge?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What a nerve!

CF: Repetition of the word white.

NP: I agree there was repetition of the word white. So Clement you gain a point and you take over the subject and there are 39 seconds left for my cooker starting now.

CF: My cooker uses gas and has five points. Also a grill and beneath that an oven. Many people enjoy coming to my house because of the excellence...


NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged, why?

DN: Deviation, I don't enjoy going to his house!

KW: (laughs loudly) That is rude!

CF: I said many people.

KW: Rude!

NP: Can you give someone a bonus point for rudeness? (laughs) All right Derek you made your point, you got a jolly good laugh. I won't charge any points because it isn't at all fair. And nobody's gained anything on that. And there are 27 seconds left for Clement Freud for you to continue with my cooker starting now.

CF: Extracting an oven dish...


NP: Oh Derek why have you challenged again?

DN: Repetition of oven.

NP: Oh that's right, there was an oven before.

KW: Oh yes! He's good! That is true! That is true!

DN: Oven was repeated.

NP: Yes Derek so you gain a point...

CF: My oven dish is not a cooker.

DN: No you had oven.

NP: You had used the word oven before so that is repetition.

DN: Underneath the five points.

NP: Anyway um Derek you have gained a point for correct challenge, there are 24 seconds left, my cooker starting now.

DN: My cooker is electric. And I keep it downstairs in a little room where it lives, all by itself. And it's painted pale green to go with the walls which are a similar colour. It's particularly nice when putting pea soup on the top of it in a little pan. And I stir it with a silver spoon which used to be in my mouth...


NP: Clement Freud you have challenged.

CF: Repetition of little. Little cooker, little room, little pan.

NP: Yeah, a bit unfair, don't you think?

DN: Oh very unfair!

KW: Yes!

DN: Very!

NP: But it's definitely accurate so I have to give Clement Freud a point. And there are four seconds left for my cooker Clement starting now.

CF: Frying pans go particularly...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of pans.

NP: All right, he was tough with you, so I'll be tough with him. All right Derek, you have another point and there are two...

CF: I never said pans!

NP: Did you say pans before? He did say pans before.

DN: Well I thought he said pans when he was putting them in his oven.

KW: Well it probably wasn't that kind of a pan! I think you'd better let him have it.

NP: Who do you think I should let have what er Kenneth?

KW: Well let him have the benefit of the doubt.

NP: Who?

KW: Derek!

NP: All right Derek Nimmo has the benefit of the doubt. Clement said... Kenneth was an absolute impartial observer. So there are two seconds left Derek for my cooker starting now.

DN: North Thames Gas Board are very...


NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes that tells us that 60 seconds are up gets an extra point. In this particular occasion it was Derek Nimmo who very cleverly got in so he now has a lead over everybody else at the end of that round. Kenneth will you begin the next round for us. The subject for you, knowing your knowledge of history I'm sure Ian Messiter's chosen it specially. Robespierre. Can you talk to us about Robespierre for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: He came to the fore apropos of the er moving...


NP: (laughs) Jacqueline MacKenzie has challenged.

KW: Oh it's a disgrace!

JACQUELINE MacKENZIE: It's a hesitation surely.

NP: It was a definite hesitation.

KW: Wait till your turn comes!

JM: I wish it didn't on this one!

NP: There we are! So there w are! Robespierre completely floored him. Jacqueline has a correct hesitation, that was a correct challenge Jacqueline. So you gain a point, you take over the subject, there are 55 seconds left starting now.

JM: Robespierre was a revolting Frenchman and started the terror as far as I know. He became supreme being of starting the terror...


NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you.

DN: Over-terrorous!

NP: Yes.

JM: I was terrified!

NP: Yes of course you were! But I'm afraid you said terror twice. So Derek's challenge being correct he gains another point, and there are 43 seconds left for Robespierre Derek starting now.

DN: I stand there in my robes peering round the corner towards another statue in Madame Tussaud's...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?

KW: Because robes peering is not Robespierre! I mean it's a disgrace!

NP: Well...

KW: Deviation! Deviation ducky! You can't get round that! Come on!

NP: You can't intimidate me! You can't get me round there! He had...

KW: Robes peering round! Oh come on!

NP: I am going to justify. Robespierre is the title on the card and Derek has very cleverly taken that word and said robes peering, he put an -ing on it. And this is perfectly legitimate within the rules of the game. So he gets another point, there are 39 seconds left for Robespierre Derek starting now.

DN: Towards the wax model of Robespierre in Madame Tussaud's. This is very interesting because the first Madame Tussaud's was...


NP: Clement Freud why do you challenge, why?

CF: Repetition of Madame Tussaud's.

NP: That is right, perfectly correct Clement. You gain a point and there are 32 seconds left for Robespierre Clement starting now.

CF: This is a name of a French gentleman who appeared during the revolution doing the most dastardly deeds to people who met...


NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged.

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: I think that was a definite hesitation Derek, I agree. Fifteen seconds left with you on Robespierre starting now.

DN: One of my nightmares as a child was imagining that this fellow had come to see me on a dark night in July. I've always thought it'd be awfully nice to live in a town...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Hesitation.

KW: Yes I'm afraid...

NP: There was no hesitation! He kept going. No it sounded, it sounded very strange but it wasn't hesitation. He said awful thoughts of kinda... Audience, I don't know, was that hesitation audience?


NP: No it wasn't hesitation.

KW: No good asking them! They know nothing about it!

NP: Why not ask them?

KW: We're up here! We can see their... we can see their muscles moving, can't we?

NP: Well so can the audience, they've got as good a view as you Kenneth! There are seven seconds left for Robespierre Derek starting now.

DN: Yes well all of Robespierre's friends went out...


NP: Clement Freud you've challenged, why? Oh it was a mistake, I'm sorry, he was trying out his buzzer. It's not working very well. No points scored, there are still five seconds left for Derek to continue with Robespierre starting now.

DN: Which means not having your nickers on. And a number of people used to say...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: I challenged for (splutters) It's deviation!

NP: Yes!

KW: I haven't come here to listen to a load of filth!

NP: All right, I'm sure that Robespierre...

KW: Underwear! Underwear on a programme like this! With people... a family audience! Underwear! They haven't come here to hear a load of stuff about underwear!

NP: You mentioned the word underwear, in other words, you don't think that Robes...

KW: I wasn't using the word he's using! Have I! Good gracious!

NP: Am I to understand that.. Kenneth! In other words you don't think that Robespierre ever wore nickers?

KW: I'm...


NP: All right! I agree with that Kenneth so you have a point! And there are three seconds left for Robespierre Kenneth starting now.

KW: (speaks in French) Those are the famous words...


NP: Well...

KW: That was French, that was!

NP: I'm glad you told us, we weren't quite sure! At the end of that round Kenneth Williams was speaking...

KW: I'm in the lead! So I'm in the lead!

NP: No you're not in the lead! Shut up for a minute! But he has got three points now alongside Clement Fraud's... Frauds?

KW: Ohh! Clement Fraud he called you! Did you hear that!

NP: Clement Fraud's freed? Clement Freud's four. And Jacqueline is just behind them but Derek has a very definite lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject is, rather aptly at this moment, I just have to say this, concealing mistakes. So Clement would you talk about concealing mistakes, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The best way of concealing mistakes is not admitting to them. For instance if you were to walk down the street, say 187 yards on a moonlit night and suddenly pass a lamppost and say to it "good evening police officer". And the lamppost doesn't reply...


CF: ...you would then be entirely justified in..

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of lamppost.

NP: Yes we've had this lamppost more than once.

KW: Yeah but it was ever so good! I was dying...

NP: Yes we loved it all and we loved the lampposts...

CF: You missed a treat!

KW: You missed it! Yes!

NP: Well you're very keen at the game Clement, get back in again and finish the story. But as chairman, I've got to award, according to the rules of the game and that is a repetition. So Derek gains a point and the subject, 40 seconds left starting now.

DN: An awfully good way of starting afresh and concealing mistakes is turning over a new leaf. I'm always trying to do that particularly when I'm speaking French. (speaks in French)


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Turning over a new leaf has nothing to do with the subject. The subject is concealing mistakes. Turning over a new leaf is another subject entirely. He's deviating! He's been deviating all the time! And as for robes peering round at you, I'm speechless!

NP: I wouldn't go on about that because you think that was unfair to you, but a lot of people might think I was unfair to Derek in giving Robespierre's nickers back to you!

KW: I...

DN: (laughs)

KW: I... I don't want his nickers! I don't know why you keep bringing it up!

NP: You've got a point for that!

KW: Look in the audience! I've got my mother here!

NP: You got a point for that and a point for speaking as the whistle went. So you actually had a slight bonus there.

KW: Oh good!

NP: No he did actually say something about turning over a new leaf and concealing mistakes and went on about something to do with concealing mistakes when he was talking French. It all sounded very odd but he didn't deviate from the subject on the card. Thirty seconds left for Derek Nimmo with another point to continue, concealing mistakes, starting now.

DN: Well when Kenneth Williams makes a mistake, he shouts everybody down...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, I am nothing to do with concealing mistakes! I am the most obvious mistake! Obvious!

NP: Kenneth, look, will you answer me truthfully, did you say that just to give us a little entertainment or was it a serious challenge?

KW: No, all genius is a mistake! I mean if you're of the herd, if you're common, then you're ordinary! If you're uncommon, extraordinary, then you're a mistake! You see, and I'm a mistake!

NP: Well I'm afraid... The audience love you so much they can't think of you as a mistake in that way. So all that happens is Derek gets another point, there are 27 seconds left for concealing mistakes Derek starting now.

DN: If you are a member of the fraud squad, that is a... that is a....


NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie you challenged.

JM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree there was a hesitation on that occasion.

DN: Quite! Well done!

NP: Jacqueline you take over the subject, you've gained another point and there are 21 seconds left for concealing mistakes starting now.

JM: Well it's impossible to conceal mistakes on this programme because everybody appears to be inventing the rules...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: It isn't, I'm always concealing mistakes. Not impossible at all.

NP: I disagree, I don't think you often do conceal your mistakes.

DN: Oh.

NP: So Jacqueline MacKenzie has another point...

DN: Jolly good!

NP: ...and there are 16 seconds left for Jacqueline to continue with the subject starting now.

JM: So on this programme the thing to do is to behave...


NP: Derek Nimmo you've challenged again.

DN: Repetition of programme.

NP: Yes I'm afraid that's true. You see this is the trouble Derek, you came in and she got another point, and now she has to start again which is very difficult, so she used the same word again.

DN: Oh all right.

NP: No, it's quite true though. It was a correct challenge, you gain a point, 13 seconds left Derek, concealing mistakes starting now.

DN: Chartered accountants go in for this a great deal. They examine the books of large companies, particularly if the police ask them to. And go through them most carefully....


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: The police don't ask chartered accountants.

KW: Yes! That is very true! How right you are! My goodness!

NP: Wait a minute! Oh Kenneth keep quiet for a second! It's got nothing to do with you! It is quite possible, you know that the police could in a certain situation ask a chartered accountant to look through the books. It might not be the chartered accountant for that firm because they might be wishing to check on something and they ask another...

KW: You make the whole of English life sound like a French farce! You make up oh in this certain situation...

NP: The way you play this game sounds like a French farce on occasions! No it is possible that they could ask a chartered accountant to look through the books...

KW: In Robespierre's nickers!

NP: That's right! I thought you didn't like saying the word! There are five seconds left for Derek Nimmo to continue with the subject, concealing mistakes Derek starting now.

DN: The Board of Trade also often are asked to look into and examine...


NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie your turn to begin. Oh what a wonderful subject for you in your first one round, how I feel at this moment. Now can you tell us Jacqueline how you feel at this moment starting now.

JM: How I feel at this moment is succinctly, deranged. Faced by these three gentlemen who are determined to put me off everything I attempt to say, I would like to take a more substantial evidence of my sensations. It can be approached in two ways. From the outside, which I would like to ask Mr Nimmo to help me to do as he is next to me, by touching me objectively while I continue subjectively with...


NP: I'm sorry, Jacqueline MacKenzie you've challenged yourself.

JM: Well Derek Nimmo was deviating!

NP: She's a clever girl, isn't she! Not only a clever girl she's very quick at picking up the game! Jacqueline you've challenged yourself very cleverly, you gain yourself a point and you keep the subject. What a little ploy! Thirty-one seconds left for how I feel at this moment Jacqueline starting now.

JM: Well my susceptibilities range all over...


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: We've had that.

NP: What, her susceptibilities?

CF: Yes.

NP: I don't remember your susceptibilities coming into it.


CF: We haven't had that, evidently!

NP: We haven't had susceptibilities, no, so she has another point, 29 seconds left for how I feel at this moment Jacqueline starting now.

JM: On my nervous system which is getting gradually more and more tense...


NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: More and more. Repetition.


NP: Derek Nimmo I will show you this piece of paper on which your lead is so commanding...

DN: Oh I'm very sorry!

NP: Yes it was absolutely...

KW: Whether his lead is commanding or not is not the point. It was more and more and that's repetition! There's no argument!

NP: I am in charge in the sense that I feel I should show a little chivalry and consideration to a lady who's joined us...

KW: Oh he's doing that gallant bit!

NP: Yes! And Derek is the one with his lead as it is who can afford to cast aside a point.

DN: Oh I'm sorry.

NP: No it's all right, no Derek, it was absolutely genuine. But I think you'll agree with me that Jacqueline should continue with how she feels at this moment....

DN: You're concealing a mistake.

NP: You're absolutely right, a point to Jacqueline MacKenzie and she tells us more about how she feels at this moment and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

JM: Which is not to conceal a single mistake. I will now have to take over Derek Nimmo's share, talking about my textural and tactile aspects. Such as leaning against cushions or men's hairy chins or even bath water...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Three ors!

NP: Oh! Oh! In the bath water she had a different type of oar I think! Jacqueline MacKenzie has another point and nine seconds to continue with how she feels at this moment starting now.

JM: Endlessly on to Just A Minute. This is..


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree that time, I'm sorry.

JM: It was for a minute.

NP: What?

JM: It was for a minute.

NP: Yes you can't hesitate even for a second, I'm afraid. Kenneth you have a point and there are five seconds left for how I feel at this moment starting now.

KW: My hand's throbbing with the natural excitement when I exude...


NP: So...

KW: So that means I'm in the lead! Right?

NP: No, no...

KW: I must be! I must be in the lead! Yes of course, he's doing the figures, isn't he!

NP: No!

KW: Ooohhh!

NP: Um, at the end of that... I must explain to... I... it's very difficult for me to explain to the listeners what occurred then. Kenneth did actually come over and look over my shoulder to see if he was in the lead. He was so shattered to see that he was in er third place that he stuck his posterior out and waddled back to his seat! And that was what made the audience laugh. It's still sticking out actually! So at the end of that round Jacqueline MacKenzie has crept up a little but they're trailing quite a bit behind Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth would you like to begin the next round for us. The subject is permissiveness.


NP: The audience obviously seem to think you can talk well on that subject so can you begin now.

KW: As it is used today it is taken to denote a kind of toleration which I do not approve of! People going around behaving disgracefully! Organising marches! Protests! Dressing up! Funny hair! It's disgraceful, it all! And appalling!


NP: Derek Nimmo...

KW: I haven't finished! Do you mind!

DN: Repetition of disgraceful.

NP: Yes you did say disgraceful twice unfortunately.

KW: Did I?

NP: Yes! It's a great pity because obviously you wanted to tell us all the rest of the story! But Derek I agree with the challenge, there are 37 seconds left for you to talk about permissiveness starting now.

DN: What people today call permissiveness seems to me to be a new frankness, which is something that I personally welcome. In Victorian times life was much more...


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, he said in Victorian times life was much more. Well how does he know what it was like in Victorian times?

NP: Well he's quite capable of reading you know. And there's been some very good books written on the subject. How else can we learn about it? You're a great historian yourself Kenneth, how have you learned about it?

KW: He should say then in Victorian times, allegedly it was so-and-so-and-so-and-so.

NP: Kenneth are you going to let anybody... audience quiet!


NP: You're being permissive, audience! You're on his, Kenneth's side. No! I mean how else can anybody discover about anything. No it's quite unjustified. In spite of what the audience think. There are 26 seconds left for Derek to continue with permissiveness starting now.

DN: If you pick up the popular newspapers today, they're filled with articles about this permissiveness. Do you like it? Do you think it's wise?


NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well it was all rubbish! I mean, it was all boring!

NP: You may think it was rubbish but he wasn't deviating from the subject. So Derek has another point and continues...

KW: But I haven't said anything for ages!

NP: You've just spoken!

KW: No I mean had a long go!

NP: I'm afraid it's been one of those shows where nobody really has had a long go except Derek Nimmo. He's rather taken over the show this week. But still that happens sometimes and even the best, and therefore people who write in and say I favour one or the other which is entirely untrue, will show that this isn't because here's Derek running away with it. There are 18 seconds left on permissiveness Derek starting now.

DN: The hypocrisy of the 19th century is something which I very much abhor. I do think...


NP: Jacqueline MacKenzie why have you challenged?

JM: It wasn't about hypocrisy.

NP: No he said he abhorred it as opposed to the permissiveness of the present age. I think he'd got that quite clear. What happens is that Derek has another point and 12 seconds left for permissiveness starting now.

DN: The streets in that era were filled...


NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: I'd like Derek to have another point!

NP: You haven't heard from you in quite a long time! We did hear from you then and I think it's very generous of you to give Derek another point. He doesn't need it actually, he is going to win, I can assure you of that. So Derek has another point and there are seven seconds left for permissiveness starting now.

DN: I think sometimes on a bus it's awfully nice to ignore the notice which says don't spit here...


NP: I might tell you that Ian Messiter who holds the stopwatch for us even got permissive himself and let the watch run on after that last challenge. So he only had to guess the last number of seconds. But I don't think there was any doubt about it, that Derek not only got a lot more points but we have come to the end of the show for this week. Let me tell you that Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams were both equal in um third place. They were just behind Jacqueline Mackenzie who perhaps got a little encouragement from the chairman as it was her first time...

KW: You're not kidding mate!

NP: But there's no doubt about it. This week's winner by an overcom... overmar... I can't get it!

KW: Overwhelming! Overwhelming!

NP: Thank you very much Kenneth. By overwhelming...

KW: Majority.

NP: ...majority. By a commanding lead and overwhelming majority of points was Derek Nimmo! I think that is what is often termed a popular win! So thank you very much indeed ladies and gentlemen of the audience, we hope you've enjoyed the show and we hope everyone listening has enjoyed it. From us all here, good-bye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.