NOTE: Jane Stevens's first appearance blowing the whistle.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute.


NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four exciting personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. And we welcome back three of the regular players of the game, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Wendy Richard. And someone who's played the game only once before, Tony Hawks. Would you please welcome all four of them. And as usual I am going to ask them to speak on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And we're going to begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject chosen is bollards. Can you tell us something about bollards in Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Bollards are the sort of little poles that you might find on the quayside at Hull, Liverpool, Southampton, Plymouth, Portsmouth, Fowler or other such ports. And as your ship comes into port you throw a rope over the side and someone will put a round turn and two half hitches or a bolan round the bollard and then you will be secure. A Bristol ship came down the river. Blow my bollards, boy gusts is a very good song to sing if you're coming into the great estuary of the river and looking for the occasional bollard. I must say Quinquireme from Nineveh would when, the sort of thing your cargo might be carrying when you actually came into this haven. A dirty British coaster with a salt caked smoke stack. And you're looking for a bollard and you saw it, you say "whatho, there's a bollard over the horizon. And oh my dear fellow this is the most beautiful bollard you ever saw..."


NP: Well what a way to start the show. Bollards to you Derek! You took the subject and kept going for the full 60 seconds without being interrupted. Mind you, I think they didn't interrupt you because they couldn't understand what you were saying half the time! So let's move on and we'll ask Wendy Richard to take the next subject. A good date. Would you tell us something about that subject Wendy in this game starting now.

WENDY RICHARD: When one is appearing in the theatre it is most important to have a good date. I have been fortunate enough to do several pantomimes, all of them... were good dates...


NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think that was a hesitation, I'm sorry Wendy. So Derek we're going to hear from you, you get a point for a correct challenge of course, you take over the subject, a good date starting now.

DN: I think a particularly good date...


NP: And Tony Hawks has challenged.

TONY HAWKS: Can I er buzz Derek for repeating port in the first round?

NP: Tony you can certainly buzz him for repeating port...

TH: It's just taken me a little bit of time to catch up with the speed.

NP: Yes I can understand that. Well done. He did repeat port. He also repeated river but nobody picked him up on that as well.

TH: I was going to do that in the next round though!

NP: Oh I see! But unfortunately you can't gain points in this round from something which you've said in the previous round. But it's very nice to hear from you Tony...

TH: Thank you.

NP: Welcome back to the show. We enjoyed what you did last time. It was last year wasn't it?

TH: It was, Nicholas, yes. It's not important frankly, but it's er nice that you remember that far back.

NP: Oh I can sometimes, yes.

TH: Good.

NP: Derek Nimmo you have a point for an incorrect challenge and you take over the subject and there are 50 seconds left on a good date starting now.

DN: The 25th of December is a particularly good date. Because that's the day when I hang up my stocking and leave a little glass of sherry and a mince pie for Santa Claus...


NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: You're supposed to hang your stocking up on the 24th! Because... on the night of the 24th.

DN: I always go to the watchnight service and I'm rather late going to bed!

NP: And also when you get to Derek's age, you do forget sometimes. So Wendy I agree with your challenge, a very good one, you have a point for that, you have 41 seconds to take over a good date starting now.

WR: A good date for pantomime is Brighton...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: We've had pantomime.

NP: She had pantomime before, you mentioned it last time you were talking.

WR: Oh poo!

NP: So Clement we're going to hear from you and you have 39 seconds to tell us something about a good date starting now.

CF: I always find that a good date comes in a box with a palm tree on it. And when you open , there are sometimes between 40 and 50 dates of impeccable quality which ideally you stick in your mouth and spit out the stone. But the 24th of April, which is my birthday, is an equally excellent date. If anybody wants to make a note of it and send me a card it would be immensely appreciated. Derek Nimmo always sends me some sort of communication on that...


NP: Tony Hawks.

TH: Was that a repetition of sends in there?

CF: Sends and sent.

TH: Yes. It was nearly a repetition though, wasn't it?

NP: It was very close, there was only a D and a T...

TH: It rhymes, can you have anything for that?

DN: At least you challenged in the same round!

NP: Eight seconds are left on a good date Clement starting now.

CF: If dates are less than very good, people tend to put marzipan into them which I don't myself like much. Nevertheless...


NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point for doing so. And at the end of that round he's catching up on Derek Nimmo who's still in the lead. And Tony Hawks we'd like you to take the next round and the subject we've chosen is Geordies. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

TH: Well Geordies of course is an affectionate name for those lovely people from the north-east of England. And...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: They're not lovely.

NP: Oh! The number of fans you can lose with one remark!

TH: When are you doing your next date in Newcastle?

NP: Yes!

DN: Only when I've got marzipan in them!

NP: We'll give him a bonus point, I think we liked it.

TH: Oh that's great.

NP: It was a bit courageous too actually. Fifty-three seconds are still with you Tony and you get a point for being interrupted...

TH: Oh lovely.

NP: Geordies starting now.

TH: I have always wanted to be able to perfect the Geordie accent. (in Newcastle accent) Why aye man! Away the lads! That'd be about as much use as carrying coal to Newcastle! (normal voice) As you can see...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: There's two Newcastles.

NP: No it was Derek Nimmo who mentioned Newcastle before, outside of the game...

CF: Well it came from that side! That direction.

NP: He didn't mention Newcastle...

CF: Didn't he?

DN: I've not actually spoken in the round. How could I have said Newcastle?

NP: Tony you have a point for an incorrect challenge. There are 42 seconds left on Geordies starting now.

TH: Paul Gascoigne, or Gazza of course, is a celebrated...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes you did say of course right at the beginning. You started off by saying well of course.

TH: I had such a lovely Gascoigne story as well.

NP: Yes, well maybe you'll get back. Thirty-eight seocnds for you Derek on Geordies starting now.

DN: When we used to have coal mines a Geordie was the name of a lamp that they had to support the miners when they went underground. Named after George Stevenson. Usually a very bright light and a Geordie was something that was something that you actually...


NP: Tony challenged.

DN: Tell us the story about Paul Gascoigne.

TH: Yes!

NP: Tony Hawks got in first, 24 seconds are left with you Tony to tell us something about Geordies starting now.

TH: Well I would so much like...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of well.

TH: You don't want to hear the story, do you? You were lying!

NP: So he doesn't want to hear the story, he wants to get points. That's what he always comes for, points. Twenty-two seconds with you Derek on Geordies starting now.

DN: They used to call a guinea a Geordie because it had...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of call. Called a miners lamp.

NP: That's right, they called the miners...

TH: Yes.

NP: Well listened Tony, 19 seconds, Geordies starting now.

TH: I'm not going to fall into the trap of telling this story about...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of story.

NP: Yes you mentioned the story.

TH: No, no, no, no, I mentioned that in between the rounds when I was saying I had such a nice Paul Gascoigne story.

NP: I'm very pleased the audience listen as well! Very good. So you've still got Geordies, you've got 16 seconds, another point of course starting now.

TH: Bollards to this particular... tale...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Heavy hesitation.

NP: Derek I agree with the challenge, 12 seconds are left on Geordies starting now.

DN: Tyneside is probably my mostly least favourite place...


NP: Clement Freud challenged. Yes Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I agree. Eight seconds for you Clement on Geordies starting now.

CF: I'd like to tell rather a nice story about Gascoigne who is known as Gazza, a footballer who plays for Lazio and was asked by a coach whether...


NP: And we'll never know! Was it worth finishing or not Clement?

CF: I think it probably is yes. When Gazza played his first game for Lazio, the coach said to him "do your best and we'll pull you off at halftime". And Gazza said "oh that'll be a change, at Tottenham they gave us oranges".

NP: (In Newcastle accent) Well that's a Geordie for you, isn't it man? (normal voice) Derek you are still in the lead at the end of that round and Clement is still in second place, then Tony Hawks, then Wendy Richard in that order. Derek your turn to begin, the subject is a filthy night. I don't know why they give you these subjects really. But anyway would you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

DN: I suppose a really filthy night would be the 30th of April in Germany in particular, because that was Val Purches' night. She was and English...


NP: Wendy Richard.

WR: He's hesitating...

DN: I'm giving a sense of mystery!

WR: ..and he's dragging it out again! No you're not Derek! You do this! You either pace up or you speak very slowly to use up your seconds.

NP: Yes but actually Wendy he didn't actually pause which is hesitation. And there are 50 seconds for you Derek on a filthy night starting now.

DN: Another filthy night was the thirth of June, 1938...


NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: There's no such word as thirth!

NP: So your challenge is deviation of grammar?

TH: Yes.

NP: Right, well done Tony, you have 47 seconds to tell us something about a filthy night starting now.

TH: I had a filthy night some weeks ago when I was out on a dinner date. And I fell over in a puddle. And it was most distressing to me. I had a beautiful girl on my arm and she came with me. There was mud all over her and I was distraught. I started to cry. She couldn't believe what she was seeing, she thought I was such a chivalrous fellow up to then. And I'm going at enormous speed and I'm not going to be able to keep this on much longer. But I'm still going and I think the other panellists are going to let me suffer on this one...


NP: Derek, Derek Nimmo's put you out of your misery. What's your challenge Derek?

DN: It was deviation because he sort of started talking about his personal problems and his inability to keep up with the game and rather left this lady lying in the puddle...

NP: So he was deviating from the subject of a filthy night, I agree Derek, a point to you, 19 seconds are left, a filthy night, starting now.

DN: Sir Yardley Hastings was a particularly filthy night who lived in Northamptonshire. And he was known for taking damsels back to his house which was adjacent to Castle Ashby where he had his way with them. And a filthy knight...


NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Did he repeat castle?

DN: No.

NP: No, no, I don't think so.

TH: No it was just a question I was interested in asking.

NP: No, no, no, he talked about the house but you got Derek another point and four seconds on the subject of a filthy night starting now.

DN: The night of the long knives when Himmler and Hitler ordered all the brownshirts to be massacred, 400 of them...


NP: So Derek Nimmo was then speaking as the whistle went, so he gained another point for doing so. And Tony your turn to begin, dives. That is the subject on the card. Can you tell us something about it now.

TH: "Degree of difficulty, 5.2," said the commentator as the swimmer stood erect ready to dive into the water... In...


NP: Wendy you challenged.

WR: Hesitation.

NP: Definitely yes. He suddenly realised what he'd said and he hesitated. And you can't say that on Radio Four or even on World Service. But Tony they probably won't understand. So 50 seconds for you Wendy on dives starting now.

WR: I was never any good at doing dives when I was at school. When we had smwimming lessons...


NP: Tony Hawks.

TH: As well as thirth, there's no such word as smimming!

WR: I nearly said slimming by mistake. I didn't mean to.

NP: Tony, dives is back with you with another point and 44 seconds starting now.

TH: It was most enjoyable at the Barcelona Olympics because you could see the Sigrida Familia in the background from the high board. I thought how splendid that at last they're having the dives taking place outdoors. So often you are confined to those horrible swimming pools where you can smell the chlorine and you start to become ill with it. But now they've changed things and I'm all for that. Now another thing I'm very keen to tell you about dives is the fact that they are, we are in one at...


NP: It's tough!

TH: It's not easy, this game, is it!

NP: No! You get the thing after about 25 years!

DN: They are, we are!

TH: Yes.

NP: So Derek your challenge...

DN: Is much the same as the first challenge!

NP: Yes and there's 16 seconds with Derek, now tell us something about dives starting now.

DN: Some of the most interesting dives that I have seen have been in the Gulf of Arabia where they dive for pearls. They generally bring these days young fellows from the local...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Oh you are, you're absolutely incorrigible! You, you knew there were about four seconds to go so you pressed your buzzer and then thought of a challenge. So you threw in hesitation because you couldn’t think of anything else and it's wrong! So Derek has five seconds to tell us more about dives starting now.

DN: In former times they used to bring them from Zanzibar, put pins on their nose and throw them over the edge for four...


NP: Well Derek's increased his lead at the end of that round and the other three are very close following but a little bit way behind. Clement... I try to keep it going, you see, and I slip up and make an absolute mess of it all. The subject, corn, there are 50 seconds, no there are not, there are 60... I don't know where I am!


NP: Yes Tony?

TH: I'm challenging on incompetence!

NP: And I'm glad you recognised it because it was a very good demonstration I was trying to give but you were the first to spot it.

TH: Thank you.

NP: So Clement Freud, the subject is corn starting now.

CF: Corn is something produced by farmers who, by and large, are the most splendid people in the entire country. Many of my best friends till the soil in order to produce corn. They go on holiday because they rotate crops, barley, wheat...


NP: Wendy.

WR: Well he is, you see, he's listing again isn't he. I mean, I know he hesitated...

NP: No...

WR: But you always do this Clement.

DN: He only mentioned barley and wheat, it wasn't much of a list. Couldn't think of any others!

WR: He just got started Derek! Then he hesitated so I buzzed him.

NP: Well that's all right, you got in with a correct one so why carp about the fact that he mentioned two things which you thought could be a list?

WR: I'm not talking to you Nicholas, I'm talking to Derek!

NP: Right, so there are 40 seconds, corn, starting now.

WR: I'm not mad about corn. When you get that corn on the cob and it's all dripping with butter, it tends to run all down your chin and if you're not suitably tied up with a napkin, you get it all over your clothes and it's very difficult...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of over.

NP: Yes.

TH: All over your chin and all over your clothes.

WR: Oh dear.

NP: Anyway 25 seconds for you Tony on corn starting now.

TH: Corn is grown in fields. And that's pretty much the extent of my knowledge about it. However you can have cornflakes which are very nice indeed to have at the morning. I notice that there's a new campaign where they're trying to pretend that... bald people...


NP: Wendy.

WR: He hesitated.

NP: Yes he did and you've got the subject back, corn, 10 seconds are left starting now.

WR: I like cornflakes. I have corn that is covered in some sort of gooey stuff. I think it might be honey and chopped nuts...



NP: Tony Hawks challenged just before the whistle.

TH: The whistle's put me off now, I can't. I think my challenge was going to be you ought to know what you've got on your cornflakes. How can you not know?

WR: I never read the small print.

TH: Oh I see, I thought you...

NP: So what is your challenge? Is it deviation or...

TH: I'd like to...

WR: No he was just being picky!

TH: Yes!

WR: You must remember Tony, nobody likes a smart-arse!

NP: Wendy sometimes you can gain points by being a smart-arse in Just A Minute! But it was an incorrect challenge so you gain another point which is marvellous and you only have half a second to keep going, or one second on corn starting now.

WR: Corn...



NP: And you've been challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed! So Clement you have a quarter of a second on corn starting now.

CF: Flake!


NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Derek we're back with you to begin, the subject, diets. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

DN: Diets of worms, that always seems to me an extraordinary thing to eat, but of course it wasn't actually. It was an assembly, a gathering of Parliament. In fact in Japan they still call it a Diet, their lower House. Of course you can eat food in limited quantities. And I had a heart bypass many...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: (laughs) That was just... disintegration! You name it, he did it! Hesitated, deviated...

NP: I didn't hear him hesitate.

WR: He did! I heard it! I'll back you up Clement!

NP: He did manage to keep going very quietly. I think for the others, the deaf ones, you should speak a little louder.

DN: Okay, fine, okay, off we go.

NP: So I'm on your side on this one Derek, being utterly fair and you have another point and 41 seconds on diets starting now.

DN: And after this very serious operation I was put on a low cholesterol diet so I can't eat butter or fat. (starts to shout) Which is rather hard for me because I do like a juicy pork chop. And this is now denied to me because...


NP: Tony, Tony challenged.

TH: I'm challenging for unnecessary volume!

NP: Deviation from the normal way he speaks.

TH: Yes yes.

NP: Well done Tony.

TH: He was speaking so loud it was beginning...

NP: So you have 28 seconds to tell us something about diets starting now.

TH: I'm very fond of the joke that goes it's good to have the G-plan diet where you have to eat furniture. There have been many other jokes about diets...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, I'm not! Very fond of the joke, that's all.

NP: I know, it didn't get very much of a reaction, your joke, did it?

DN: No!

NP: Tony I disagree...

TH: Got me another point though, didn't it?

NP: It got you another point, yes, that's the important thing. Nineteen seconds are left on diets Tony starting now.

TH: I'm one of those very lucky people who don't really need to diet. I think everyone here will agree I am a slim lithe figure. Some...


NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: He's hesitated and he's talking rubbish!

NP: You don't think he's slim and lithe?

TH: I say I am!

NP: I think you should show it to the audience.

WR: Well he's a bit on the skinny side!

NP: Would you please stand up Tony...

TH: It's a radio programme!

NP: ...and show the audience. Let the audience judge. If you think he's slim and lithe will you cheer for Tony...


NP: And if you don't you now boo for Wendy, whichever way you want. Oh Wendy they...

WR: They wouldn't boo me, dear! But he hesitated anyway.

NP: No he didn't hesitate.

WR: He did!

NP: No...

TH: Comic timing! Comic timing!

NP: He didn't hesitate and there are nine seconds left with you Tony on diets starting now.

TH: It is very difficult to diet...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: He's said difficult.

NP: It was difficult, you did say you were difficult before. You had difficulty with something, I don't know what it was but it was difficult.

WR: You obviously have difficulty remembering what he said.

NP: Seven seconds with you Clement on diets starting now.

CF: As no-one in their right senses would call me slim or lithe, I do quite a bit in the way of diets...


NP: Well the situation at the end of that round is much the same. The three of them trailing Derek Nimmo who's still in the lead and Wendy it is your turn to begin, the subject place. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

WR: Not being a great fan of meat eating...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I know but she hadn't really got going had she?

DN: I don't give a damn!

WR: You let Derek have it, I've just struck him off my Christmas card list.

NP: All right if you want to, 57 seconds Derek on place starting now.

DN: My favourite place in the whole wide world I think is Hong Kong. And a very interesting thing about it is that recently has arrived there Harry Ramsbottom from Leeds who set up...


NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: It's Harry Ramsden isn't it?

NP: That's right.

WR: He said Ramsbottom.

NP: Yes.

DN: You don't know who I'm going to talk about! You have to let me continue.

NP: I think you are entitled to actually Derek...

WR: He's not! He's not being correct!

NP: Well we'll find out and if he isn't, I'll bring it back to you Wendy. Forty-eight seconds on place with you Derek starting now.

DN: Who as a well-known Sinologist is an assistant to Chris Patten. And when he recently went with the noble Governor to Beijing, he took with him the afore-mentioned gentleman, because he speaks totally fluent Mandarin and was a tremendous assistant. And to Sir Alan Bond...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I think he's slurring at the moment!

NP: I couldn't understand what he said actually.

TH: He's not finishing any of his words, is he? It's misssa Mandarin.

DN: I'm trying to get a bit of a speed up!

NP: We interpret that as hesitation Tony.

TH: Yes.

NP: Thirty-two seconds on place starting now.

TH: Fancy coming back to my place is one of my favourite remarks I like to make to people. And I can do this because I am so slim and lithe!


NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: He's hesitating!

NP: He did hesitate then Wendy yes.

TH: No, ah, that's just the way I talk. I'm just boring!

NP: Wendy you have 22 seconds on place starting now.

WR: I like grilled plaice because plaice is good for you. It's much better for one's diet than eating any... meat...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Twelve seconds on place with you Clement starting now.

CF: When I ask people to come back to my place, I tend to give it to them with tartare sauce. It's very good...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: He's talking about filthy nights, now, isn't he?

NP: Tony he may be but he wasn't deviating from the subject. So give Tony an extra point, we liked the challenge. Clement...

CF: I didn't like the challenge!

NP: ...keeps the round, a point for an incorrect challenge and five seconds to go on place starting now.

CF: My place is in East Suffolk on the coast between Alderborough and Lowestoft...


NP: Well looking at the clock, I'm sure we're entering the last round. And as we do so Derek Nimmo is in quite a strong lead, but he's now only three points ahead of Tony Hawks and he's four points ahead of Clement Freud and he's eight points ahead of Wendy Richard. I don't think Wendy will have much chance but anyone could still win the game.

WR: Isn't it nice to know that the leader of one's ship has such confidence!

NP: Tony it's your turn to begin, the subject is custard. Can you throw a bit of that about in Just A Minute starting now.

TH: Custard is ideal to have on puddings. Some people use custard for other things, Clement Freud probably on one of his filthy nights. But we don't need to go into that. For my own part I enjoy it very much with apple crumble. I used to hate lumpy custard, oh, that used to make me very upset indeed. But now I am a calmer person and if I am given custard which does not please me I let it roll off my back like duck...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

TH: How far did I get? Is that the furtherest I've got so far?

DN: Deviation, how can he left custard roll off his back?

TH: Come back to my place and I might tell you!

NP: Derek you have a correct challenge, 33 seconds on custard starting now.

DN: Custard is made with egg, milk and sugar and is a rather un...er...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It isn't! And hesitation.

NP: Which one do you want?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Good. Twenty-seven seconds Clement for you to tell us something about custard starting now.

CF: Custard comes in a tin called Birds, on the outside of which...


NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: He hesitated.

NP: No he didn't hesitate, but custard doesn't. Custard powder comes in a tin called Birds. Is that your challenge?

CF: Are you challenging?

WR: Yes!

NP: No I'm trying to put words into her mouth, she's a bit slower than she usually is. So he didn't hesitate which was your first challenge. Twenty-three seconds for you Clement on custard starting now.

CF: One of the very nicest things you can do with custard which is fairly boring food I always think, is to strew brown sugar over it and hold it very close...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: I thought he hesitated a bit earlier but then I'm not sure whether he did in the end. So I'd er...

NP: What is your challenge?

TH: I just thought I'd like to hear my own voice again actually.

NP: The audience don't have the same opinion on it, yes. Clement you have another point for an incorrect challenge and 13 seconds on custard starting now.

CF: The French call it creme broulet which is their sort of custard. And as we don't like the people who come from France because their farmers are such filthy unprincipled...


NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Deviation, he's just trying to ingratiate himself with the farmers in the audience, isn't he. Well we're talking about custard here. You don't make custard on farms.

NP: Oh yes he did.

TH: He did.

NP: All right Tony, there's two seconds to go, come on Tony, let's hear from you on custard starting now.

TH: Slim and lithe and bollards!


NP: Well as I said a little while ago this was probably going to be the last round and it has turned out to be so. And just to give you the final score. Clement Freud and Tony Hawks were equal in second place. They were only two points behind the one who had most points so we call him the winner, Derek Nimmo! We do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful game. May I say on behalf of our four talented panelists, also Jane Stevens who's been keeping the score and blowing the whistle, and also our producer Sarah Smith and the creator of the game Ian Messiter and myself Nicholas Parsons, goodbye.