JAM:KWilliams,NParsons,GJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, NICHOLAS PARSONS and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by CLEMENT FREUD (Radio, 7 October 1968)

NOTE: Nicholas Parsons's first appearance as a panellist, Clement Freud's first appearance as chairman.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Nicholas Parsons and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz Fades away here to tell you about it is this week's chairman Clement Freud.

CLEMENT FREUD: Thank you for that tumultuous reception. I'm here surrounded by buzzers and stopwatches and Nicholas Parsons. And I also have a list of unlikely subjects for the panel to talk about for 60 seconds each, without pausing, without going off the subject and without repetition, in other words, keep going, stick to the point, don't repeat yourself. Kenneth Williams will you talk for one minute on making an entrance starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well as the poet has, all the world's a stage, all the men and women merely players, and they have their exits and their entrances. And that is absolutely true. We come into this world naked, indeed we come into it quite naked. And after that we've got to make entrances in a different way. We can't come in naked obviously!

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Well there was repetition of his nakedness...

CF: Yes!

NP: And I would say that Kenneth...

CF: Don't, don't spoil it for yourself.

NP: All right.

CF: You have a point, you have making an entrance, you have 37 seconds starting now.

NP: Well I'm delighted to think that I have 37 seconds starting now in which to make a...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation.

CF: You're absolutely right because I made a mistake, he has 47 seconds, it was.

NP: Oh!

CF: Kenneth Williams...

NP: Wait till I'm back on the chair again!

CF: You have 39 seconds, making an entrance, starting now.

KW: There are two kinds...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Deviation, because you said 37 seconds before and you said 39 now. So if it was wrong for me it is also deviation for Kenneth.

CF: You're talking nonsense. Kenneth, no points awarded but you have the subject back.

KW: Thank you. Well there's entrance, of course, on the stage and there's the entrance in private life. A cocktail party or something like that. And I think all of us agree when we do make an entrance our initial...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Three entrances, repetition.

CF: Yes. Nicholas Parsons, you have 28 seconds, making an entrance, starting now.

NP: Well I'm delighted to think that this time I have 28...

BUZZ

CF: Repetition?

GERALDINE JONES: Repetition again.

KW: Yes you could see...

NP: I've only been delighted twice.

KW: He's throbbing with it!

CF: Geraldine Jones you have a point...

KW: Ridiculous!

CF: Kenneth Williams will you stop throbbing! Making an entrance, 25 seconds starting now.

GJ: When you're making an entrance whether it's in a brick wall or at a gathering, you have to remember what materials you have. It's no use making an entrance in a stunning black dress if you're going to be going to a party where...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: Yes that is right, you have 13 seconds starting now.

NP: I'm horrified to think that I have...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, whether he's horrified or not is not the point! I mean we're discussing...

CF: Nicholas Parsons you have three seconds in which to justify...

NP: I'm horrified to think that you want me to speak for 13 seconds about making an entrance.

CF: I think Kenneth Williams has a very good point indeed, and you have eight seconds, making an entrance, starting now.

KW: Making an entrance means...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Repetition, he's made so many entrances already!

CF: Quite right.

NP: Yes.

CF: Six seconds, making an entrance now.

NP: I don't really wish to speak about this subject...

BUZZ

KW: If he doesn't wish to speak about it, why start?

CF: Under what general heading was that complaint?

KW: Eh?

CF: Under what general...

KW: It's deviation.

CF: Oh yes, yes, I give you deviation.

NP: Why! May I justify myself Chairman?

CF: Not again!

NP: May I...

CF: Three seconds starting now.

KW: I once made an entrance as Nephertiti...

BUZZ

KW: ... and it was fabulous! They all went raving when I came in as Nephertiti!

BUZZ

KW: Because I had this caped hat, this caped hat on, you see. And it was really fantastic!

CF: Nicholas Parsons?

NP: Well he made an entrance again. He's already said it about seven times.

CF: You have the subject for one second starting now.

NP: I will speak about making an entrance...

BELL

KW: It's disgraceful!

CF: You reluc... you reluctantly get a point because you were talking when the buzzer went. Nicholas Parsons has the next subject, will you speak for one minute please on the Parson's nose starting now.

NP: It is very curious that you should ask me to speak about Parson's nose. I feel that probably I have a special reason for talking about this particular subject. Of course many of you may not know that the derivation of this particular phrase arose from the Scottish McNose clan. They of course under the, deviated from the established church of Scotland. And when they drifted south being clerics of course they adopted the Parsons. They dropped the Mac and kept the Nose. This is of course the derivation of Parsons nose as of course I know only too well...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Repetition.

CF: Of what?

NP: Of what?

GJ: Derivation. He explained this before he started.

CF: Yes that's true. He also said of course five times. Geraldine Jones you have the parson's nose for 25 seconds starting now.

GJ: It's very difficult for me to talk about this because situated as we are Nicholas Parsons is to the left of me and I can't really speak into my microphone at the same time as I look at his nose. Fortunately it's made such a vivid impression upon my memory that I can talk about it without actually looking at it. It's... it's perhaps not...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: I'm afraid yes. Hesitation, you have it back, your own nose for eight seconds.

NP: Which came first, the curate or the egg. Now of course, those of you who know the answer to this very simple riddle know that...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Deviation.

CF: I couldn't agree more, deviation. Parson's nose, two seconds starting now.

GJ: It's perhaps not a terribly memorable nose...

BELL

CF: Geraldine gets an extra point because she was talking when the bell went for the minute. Geraldine you have the next subject, would you speak for one minute on the subject of trunks starting now.

GJ: Trunks are without doubt the most provocative and charming part of the clothes of any young male elephant. It doesn't really matter whether the trunk is pink or grey. It has that look about it that distinguishes elephants from all the other horrible big animals, and makes you think somehow they're rather sweet and nice. Why is it that everyone likes elephants? It's because they have super trunks...

BUZZ

NP: We've had three elephants and four trunks. Repetition.

CF: And you have one trunk and you have 40 seconds starting now.

NP: Some people have referred to Parsons' nose as a trunk. This of course is completely untrue. The trunks are really more in the enlightened way of thinking about this, the trunks that you see when people are swimming. When you see someone go splash into the water and he comes out without his trunks, yells out...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Lots of trunks.

CF: Roughly the same number of trunks. You have a point, you have 21 seconds, trunks, starting now.

GJ: All the expression in an elephant's face is concentrated in his trunk. When he's happy it waves up in the air. When he's sad, it sags listlessly downwards...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

CF: A very minor hesitation. All right, you haven't spoken for a while.

KW: Thank you! Mmmmm!

CF: Eleven seconds on trunks starting now.

KW: Some people, indeed I've just seen them, they take as much as 24 pieces of luggage on a holiday. But the most important piece of luggae for a long holiday is of course your trunk. You've got to have a large capacious trunk and you can stuff...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Repetition of trunks.

CF: You have one second to go on trunks starting now.

NP: When it is...

BUZZ

BELL

KW: Hesitation! Hesitation! Hesitation!

CF: I thought a definite hesitation! Kenneth Williams is completely right! You have point eight of a second starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Definite hesitation.

KW: I never got it out!

CF: Nicholas Parsons starting now.

NP: Trunks!

BELL

CF: Nicholas Parsons has an extra point because the bell rang. Kenneth Williams you have the next subject, will you speak for one minute on keeping pets starting now.

BUZZ

KW: Sorry I was challenging myself. That's ridiculous! Keeping pets, well, I once had this goldfish and it just swam round and round in this bowl. And I got very fond of it, you know, but all this stuff started creeping all over it, a sort of hazey misty stuff. And I took it to this bloke and he said "oh yes well it means that you've had impure water in the tank and so what I suggest is that you take it out and scrape it all off". I said "oh I don't want to hold it in my hand and actually scrape it all off..."

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: It's all very devious but he also was repeating the scraping in the hand.

CF: I don't really agree. I was fascinated!

NP: It was revolting actually.

CF: Kenneth Williams another point and you have 47 seconds starting now.

KW: Yes so I gave up the goldfish you see and I buried it. I did a nice little plaque over the top but that was neither here nor there...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: You can't keep a dead pet. So it's deviation.

CF: I would have thought this is exactly the way to keep a pet! Kenneth Williams you have another point, you have 30 seconds starting now.

KW: So I moved on and kept another pet instead, you see. And this pet was a hamster. Now hamsters are very curious things because they need an awful lot of warmth, you know. They do need warmth, you see. So I had it in a pot...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

KW: ...behind the lavatory.

GJ: Repetition.

CF: Of warmth. You have the subject, you have 17 seconds starting now.

GJ: Keeping pets is something I never ever want to do. Occasionally I've stayed in houses where people...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, we're discussing keeping pets, not what she doesn't want to do!

CF: No!

KW: Well if she don't want to do it, how...

CF: Geraldine you have another point, you have 13 seconds starting now.

KW: Disgraceful!

GJ: I'm absolutely convinced that the only people that keep pets are lunatics...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Repetition, she's been keeping pets before.

CF: I think I'm going to make a ruling here. Each... the interruptions are coming so fast and furious. Each person may repeat the subject once without being buzzed by the others for repetition. Is that fair?

NP: Yeah.

CF: Right, eight seconds Geraldine Jones, no points given to anyone for that, starting now.

GJ: The whole house revolves around this business and it's always terribly uncomfortable for any visitors. You have to be careful where you go, you have to bear in mind that some of your dinner goes to the dog...

BELL

CF: Geraldine got a point for speaking when the bell goes. Nicholas you have the next subject which is getting bubbles into soda water. Will you speak for one minute starting now.

NP: Anybody who's ever tried to get a bubble into soda water will know that it's a very difficult process. First of all, you must of course have your water. It's essential of course to get some bubbles in it because that gives it the essential phhfffft. And if you haven't any fffffftttt coming out you know very well...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Repetition.

CF: No, only a single repetition.

NP: If you don't have this particular noise occurring when you press the handle of your soda siphon, you'll know that your whiskey or whatever else that you're popping up will not have quite the same flavour if you didn't have the pppssssttt noise. This is of course very difficult if you have got the particular...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, what's all this got to do with pressing your siphon? What's it got to do with getting these bubbles in the water?

CF: Quite right.

KW: Thank you.

CF: Deviation is right, you have a point, you have the subject, you have 25 seconds starting now.

KW: Everyone knows the bubbles are put in by these monks who blow it in. They're famous for it, the monks of Buckfast Abbey blow the water, er, blow the air into...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: I hate to stop him but I think there was hesitation.

CF: There was hesitation, you've got the subject back, getting bubbles into soda water starting now.

NP: As everybody knows the monks of Belfast do not blow the bubbles into...

BUZZ

KW: I didn't say Belfast!

CF: Nobody but nobody said...

NP: You did! I never said you did...

KW: I said Buckfast!

NP: I never said... I never said you said it!

KW: Oh!

CF: We don't...

NP: I was talking about the monks of Belfast.

CF: We don't penalise for deafness!

NP: Oh!

CF: You have the subject back, you have under quarter of a minute starting now.

NP: When I was last in Buckfast I was talking to a chap who knows a great deal about this subject and he said to me (goes into country accented gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: (continues country accented gibberish)

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: I can't understand it but it sounds repetitive.

CF: No. Nick start now.

NP: Anybody who knows our delightful English dialects will know this is a very simple thing. It means that you must have bubbles...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: What's dialects got to do with bubbles in the water? It's deviation and you know it Clement!

CF: You have one point and you have one second to go on getting bubbles into soda water starting now.

KW: As I said before, you blow them in!

BELL

BUZZ

CF: The challenge was too late, the point goes to Kenneth Williams. The score now is Nicholas Parsons still in the lead...

KW: Oh!

CF: ...closely followed by Kenneth Williams who is two points behind, some way in front of Geraldine Jones who is coming third. But has the next subject which is hesitation and in this subject you cannot use the indefinite article A. So will you speak for one minute on hesitation without using the indefinite article A starting now.

GJ: The important thing to remember about hesitation is that it's a tremendously valuable asset. Anyone who...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Is A very tremendously valuable...

CF: Quite right, you have a point, you have the subject, you have 53 seconds starting now.

NP: Just think how difficult it is to play this game when you have two people sitting beside you with buzzers in their hand. Their fingers ready to press them at the slightest deviation, hesitation...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Hesitation.

CF: Yes. Geraldine Jones you have a point, you have the subject, hesitation, 33 seconds to go starting now.

GJ: Everything that is enjoyable is made more enjoyable by hesitation. Things which are not enjoyable are made...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Enjoyable we had twice.

CF: Repetition?

KW: Yes quite.

CF: Right, you have a point, you have the subject starting now.

KW: Hesitation. As the poet says "he who hesitates is lost". And of course this remains a fundamental...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: A fundamental.

CF: Quite right. You have a point, you have the subject...

KW: Oh I missed that...

CF: You start now.... starting now.

GJ: if you like doing something it's much better if you pause before you start doing it. If you don't like it, you pause and them you put off doing it...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: She was doing it an awful lot! Repetition.

CF: I thought she was doing it once too often. You have the subject, you have eight seconds to go starting now.

NP: Hesitation is a subject which Kenneth Williams when he plays to the audience here gets laughs which the listeners know nothing about, because...

BELL

CF: Nicholas you have another point and a commanding lead.

KW: Mmmm!

CF: And Kenneth Williams you have the next subject which is my favourite meal which we would like you to talk about for one minute without using the personal pronoun I. My favourite meal without using the word I starting...

NP: Impossible for Kenneth Williams!

CF: ... now.

KW: Well there's your boiled beef and carrots of course which is a staple of the Cockey diet. Then of course there's your liver and bacon. Then of course for me...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas... Geraldine Jones.

GJ: We haven't got to his favourite meal yet, deviation.

CF: I think I'll ask the audience. Now let's do it simultaneously. If you think Geraldine Jones is right will you cheer, if you think Kenneth Williams is right will you boo, now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Kenneth Williams is right, start now.

KW: Then after that you have your steak and kidney pudding. This is absolutely delicious but it must be taken fresh from the oven. It's no good having it hotted up! That's no good...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: I insist this isn't about my favourite meal, it's about food in general.

CF: I think you are right, you have the subject, you have 37 seconds to go, my favourite meal without using the word I, starting now.

GJ: My favourite meal changes from time to time...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: That's ridiculous. I mean that's, it's a daft statement isn't it! I mean how can your favourite meal change, you can't have a favourite meal...

GJ: Wait! Wait!

CF: Geraldine Jones you have a point, you have the subject...

KW: You didn't let me wait, did you, dear!

CF: Stop it Kenneth Williams! Geraldine Jones, my favourite meal starting now.

GJ: The essence of such a thing is that you don't always have, have it, but it changes...

BUZZ

CF: I think I ought to tell listeners that that was really the nastiest bit of intimidation.

NP: I think she was hesitating but I think that was very unfair and I'd like to give her the point that I know I'm going to win for this back to Geraldine Jones and the subject.

KW: Oh big deal! Oh!

CF: Geraldine Jones you have a point and you have the subject, you have 29 seconds starting now.

GJ: My favourite meal must be eaten in the company of such gallant gentlemen as Nicholas Parsons who give me points that I don't really deserve. When I say that it changes I mean that if you go on eating the same thing over and over again it ceases to be favourite...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Repetition, over and over again is definite repetition.

CF: I'd be more impressed if you'd said she said the word I.

NP: Oh yes she said that as well. But I thought...

CF: Geraldine Jones you have a point, you have the subject...

NP: I was, sorry Mr Chairman...

CF: ... you have 14 seconds to go starting now.

GJ: It always changes because you can't, you get so sick of the same thing...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: Yes right.

GJ: What?

CF: You have the subject, 10 seconds to go starting now.

NP: I don't know what the subject is but...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: I!

CF: My favourite meal starting now.

GJ: Sometimes it's steak, sometimes it's salmon, sometimes...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Sometimes three times. Repetition.

CF: A point, five seconds to go starting now.

NP: My favourite meal is a conglomeration of dishes which go on the table with such precision...

BELL

CF: At the latter end of the card, Geraldine Jones and Kenneth Williams are now equal, unfortunately seven points behind Nicholas Parsons who has the next subject. The best way of entertaining friends without using the word the. The best way of entertaining friends starting now.

NP: Best way of entertaining friends. It's impossible to talk about this subject. It begins with this er definite article...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones you challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

CF: You have a point, you also have the best way of entertaining friends starting now.

GJ: You must always bear in mind what your friends like doing. This is undoubtedly in the visable...

BUZZ

KW: In the visable?

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: Right, you have the subject starting now.

NP: When I'm entertaining my friends, my first thought is to ask Clement Freud to come round to dinner...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation.

CF: No!

NP: What?

CF: Nicholas Parsons you have another point and you keep the subject.

NP: I also like to ask Kenneth Williams in spite of the fact that...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: The.

CF: You're right, you have a point, you have the subject, you have 37 seconds starting now.

GJ: Many people when entertaining friends think only of themselves. And this leads to a number of awfully boring evenings. I've sat through innumerable such events...

BUZZ

NP: Hesitation.

CF: Reluctantly yes. You have a point, you have the subject starting now.

NP: My favourite guest to entertain is Geraldine Jones. She is the most de, delightful...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: Modesty impels me to say hesitation.

CF: You have the subject now.

GJ: Entertainment is often a very boring affair which is quite the opposite...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: We had boring before. She's already done that, she said she sat through all these boring evenings, now we're off again on boring.

CF: Yes she did. You have a point, you have the subject, you have 18 seconds starting now.

KW: Entertaining, well of course, you come into the room and you...

BUZZ

CF: Geraldine Jones.

GJ: The room!

KW: Oh I didn't realise that!

CF: Quite right. Geraldine Jones, 14 seconds to go, the best way of entertaining friends starting now.

GJ: Many people try to entertain friends deliberately. They always fail. You have to let people do what they want. This invariably a very good...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: Yes you're right, you have the subject starting now.

NP: When you have Clement Freud in your kitchen and he refuses to cook, the best thing is to twist his arm...

BELL

KW: He said the!

NP: You didn't challenge!

CF: Nicholas Parsons said the, Kenneth Williams looked at him, but didn't press his buzzer. So Nicholas Parsons has another point and is now in a commanding lead. But Geraldine Jones is second and Kenneth Williams is last. Geraldine it's your subject, will you talk for one minute on bowling starting now.

GJ: This is a terribly technical subject which I know nothing about. When I was at school, we had to play cricket and part of learning to play this game involved learning how to bowl. It always involved such an enormous expenditure of effort, not just running but wheeling around with your arms as well, that I decided very early on I would never ever learn to bowl. Other people I believe do. Occasionally my father forces me to watch cricket on television as part of widening my educational horizons. When I do I always find it terribly boring and particularly the part where the man bowls. It takes such a dreadfully...

BUZZ

CF: Nicholas Parsons.

NP: That's the third bowl we've had. Actually there were four I think definitely. Bowling twice when she talked about school...

KW: Very ungallant! It's very ungallant!

NP: ..and bowling. No I let her go for a very long time...

CF: Yes yes yes don't go on!

NP: You're such a hard man as Kenneth said, I...

CF: Nicholas Parsons you lose...

GJ: There's a point scored here!

CF: You lose a point for repeating yourself on the challenge...

KW: Yes! Tremendous! Tremendous!

CF: But you get the subject, bowling, you have 35 seconds to go starting now.

NP: Bowling is of course a gentle lovely game. Upon the green swards of England you see these delightful elderly people with their little rolled up mats railing down on one knee and passing the ball gently across the green sward until it comes up against the little white pill at the other end. Sometimes they say "gosh your turn Mabel, you see if you can beat that one because I bowled a good one, see if you can do better..."

BELL

KW: Brilliant! Very good! I liked the bit about Mabel!

CF: A very commendable point won by Nicholas Parsons on bowling. That is it and Nicholas Parsons wins with 33 points for which he deserves a small modicum of applause.

KW: I don't! I thought it was disgraceful! Disgraceful! All cheating!

CF: Geraldine Jones who was my own particular selection as many of you must have noticed came second with 21, 25 points. And Kenneth Williams came last. Goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute this week was Clement Freud. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.