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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, ANDREE MELLY and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 April 1968)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Andree Melly and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is the Man of the Minute, Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Just to remind you, each one of them are going to try and speak for Just A Minute if they can on some unlikely subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation. And if one of the other three think the fourth one is guilty of one of these crimes, he may press his buzzer in front of him... BUZZ NP: Just like that, well done! And if I uphold his challenge, I will award him a point and he takes over the subject. And if I don't uphold his challenge, whoever's speaking will gain a point. At the end of 60 seconds you will hear this noise. HOOTER NP: And whoever is speaking then will gain another point. Well with those particular points in mind let us begin this edition. A lovely feminine subject for a lovely feminine lady, the lovely Aimi Macdonald. Aimi especially for you we've asked you to talk for Just A Minute if you can on how to stay lovely starting now. AIMI MACDONALD: Well that all depends really on how lovely you are to start off with. But if you are lovely and you want to stay lovely, well, there's ever so many things you can do. There are a lot of products in the market, and you can buy things for lip wrinkles and... BUZZ AMa: (squeals) NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge? DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation. Wri-wrinkle! NP: Well alas! Because she was speaking for the first time she's a little nervous. But I must be fair within the rules of the game and say Derek pass it on to you with still 45 seconds. Derek Nimmo would you try and talk for the last 45 seconds on how to stay lovely starting now. DN: Well my trouble is... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation. NP: I'll tell you what I will do Clement. I will give you a bonus point for that very clever try. But I think within the game we must still stick with Derek Nimmo. So Derek, how to stay lovely, starting now. DN: Mud packs... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition. NP: No, you're trying too hard. Derek Nimmo's got another point, how to stay lovely, 43 seconds left Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: The best way to stay lovely is to share out some gold powder and put it on your eyelashes. This I find to be particularly useful, especially if you're wearing sequins at the time. I also wear a long high wig which I wear a little tiara on the top of... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly you challenged. ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation. NP: Yes a very slight hesitation. I'm going to give you the benefit of the Melly here and ask you to talk on how to stay lovely starting now. AMe: The best way is to sleep a very great deal. But then of course nobody can see how lovely you are, at least one supposes nobody can. If you stay up too late at night and go to bed too late in the morning, you will have black bags under your eyes and lots of wrinkles and linkles, as Miss Aimi Macdonald testified... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition because Aimi Macdonald's already told us about it. NP: Yes but she only told us once, so there was a reference to them. Still with Andree Melly with nine, eight seconds left starting now. AMe: Exercise and fresh air and sunshine and a lovely tan in the summer are very good ways... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Well rather than staying lovely she sounds like a sort of woman cyclist doesn't she? NP: So why did you challenge? DN: Well deviation because she'd make herself very unattractive with all that exercise. NP: Oh I think a lot of suntanned people look very very delicious. No, there are three seconds left with Andree, how to stay lovely starting now. AMe: To be very young is one of the best ways to stay lovely... HOOTER NP: Derek as you are so good at this game, we thought we'd start you off this time with what we think is a difficult one but certainly a challenging one. I'll give you a second to think about it, it's it. Now do you think you can talk for Just A Minute on it starting now. DN: Well of course I've always been absolutely mad about it, from a very early age. I suppose really I must declare my interest in the subject before I really start. I suppose I just really became aware of it first when I was about 12 years old. And as one gets older, one finds it increasingly difficult to find it, I suppose. And sometimes of course whereas in the past one used to be able to get it for nothing, now you have actually to pay for it... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly why did you challenge? AMe: Repetition. NP: I quite agree, we've had rather a lot of it. Right, would you take it over please and talk about it if you can with still 37 seconds left starting now. AMe: No! BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo buzzed first. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes, that's right, you have 36 seconds left for it, Derek Nimmo, starting now. DN: Italian vermouth is something that I like to put in my gin. And once it is put in one's gin, it is... generally referred to as gin and it... BUZZ NP: No, I'm not going to... what was that Andree Melly? Hesitation? No... AMe: How did you guess? Now, if it wasn't, how did you guess? NP: Because I saw his natural impediment from the stutter coming over, and I have to judge between what is hesitation and it's very difficult. Lat time I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I won't penalise you because I think it was a genuine impediment. Ah Derek Nimmo we're still with you with 30 seconds for it starting now. DN: The thing that I was talking about before was my collection of pottery. I keep it in cupboards in my bedroom, there are several shelves... BUZZ NP: Ah Andree, Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged? AMa: Deviation. NP: Yes I think he's gone on about pottery and we were on it really. DN: Well that was it. AMa: That's got nothing to do with it. DN: No that's what I was talking about... NP: I know, but you weren't... DN: I said I started on it when I was 12, and I've been interested in it ever since. NP: Oh that was your it, was it. DN: Yes. NP: You still have 22 seconds left for it and pottery, whatever it may be, but the subject is it starting now. DN: I once went to Farmagusta which is a town in Cyprus, and caught a bus in search of it, which I... got as far as... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think so, yes. With 15 seconds left for it, Clement Freud, would you take it over now. CF: This is a very splendid word which used at one time to refer to sex appeal and other alluring parts of people. One used to say "what a super woman, she has it!" I haven't used the word before, so you can't challenge me... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well deviation, you see he's talking about not using words before instead of it. NP: Ah, no, no, no, if you'd said we'd had the word it too much before I would have granted it, but not that particular challenge. Clement Freud you still have two seconds left for it starting now. CF: And there was a man in... HOOTER NP: Andree it is your turn to begin, the subject for you is pocket money starting now. AMe: If I was a child I'd go to the National Incomes Board and complain about the state of affairs with pocket money. The state of living has gone up enormously in the last 20 years and this particular commodity has not. There are children who still get three and sixpence in the shilling and some who get between 10 shillings and 15 shillings. This seems to have nothing to do with the parents, in fact it's the very rich ones that give their children about sixpence saying they've got to learn the value of money and all they learn is that it hasn't got any value because they can't get very much for that amount... A pocket... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes I think so, all right, pocket money with you Derek, 20 seconds left starting now. DN: Sixpences, threepenny bits, shillings, half crowns, florins, memorial crowns and all sorts of other coins are monies that I keep in my pocket in case of various emergencies. It might be for instance I was walking along Piccadilly and saw a taxi coming towards me in the opposite direction... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge? CF: Deviation from his natural impediment! He didn't stammer! NP: Because the audience applauded I feel I should give you a bonus point. Do you think I should give Clement Freud a bonus point for that clever...? CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: All right, you got a bonus point from the audience Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo still has the subject with 11 seconds left for pocket money starting now. CF: "Whatho, cabby", I cried, "take me down to Trafalgar Square so I can see the lions." Into my pocket I put my hand and there I find are a half crown... HOOTER NP: Clement Freud, Clement, let's have a subject that perhaps you can talk about quite well, gold shares, for Just A Minute starting now. CF: Gold shares are shares in companies that mine gold. And there's a very interesting thing about this and that is the one thing that you don't want your company to do is to actually find gold. Because if it does that, the assets of the company are far too obvious for everyone to see. What you want is a company that goes on looking for the metal, and while it looks, there's tremendous hope that it'll find much more than anyobody... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged. Why? DN: Repetition. NP: What do you think he repeated? DN: Well they're keeping on looking for the gold, you see. It obviously must be repetitive. NP: A very, I can't award any points, that was a very clever try but I don't think it's justified. Clement Freud there are still 35 seconds left for gold shares starting now. CF: The main parts of Africa in which gold is found are OFS which stands for Orange Free State, and... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DN: Well it's not known as Orange Free State any more, it's the union of South Africa, so it's deviation. NP: I believe the Orange Free State is part of the Union of South Africa so I think it's not justified. There are 25 seconds left for Clement Freud, gold shares, starting now. CF: There are also districts known as Rand which are listed in the financial newspapers... BUZZ NP: Clement, Derek Nimmo, you challenged. DN: Well they can't also be districts because the Rand is part of the Orange Free State in Transvaal. NP: Derek you seem to know so much about South Africa, we're going to bow to you on this and pass it over to you, with 21 seconds left for gold shares starting now. DN: Whenever I go out and cut the hedge in my back garden... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly why did you challenge? AMe: Deviation. NP: Now this is one of those occasions where as he's only started the sentence I must be fair and allow him to finish. Can you justify gold shares with that sentence very briefly. DN: I always cut the hedge with my gold shears! NP: And the way that Derek speaks and also acts I have no doubt that he does have gold shears. So you have gained a point Derek and with still 17 seconds left carry on with gold shares starting now. DN: In Johannesburg I went down into a gold mine to examine... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge? CF: Deviation, there are no gold mines in Johannesburg. NP: You are absolutely right, in the town of Johannesburg as far as I know that's right... DN: It's not true! He means under don't you, actually? Presumably. But there are plenty of gold mines actually in Johannesburg. The deepest gold mine in the world is in Johannesburg. NP: In the town of Johannesburg? DN: Absolutely in the middle of Johannesburg, yes. NP: Well as I haven't been to Johannesburg, I'd better shut up! Somebody's going to hit me over the head with a programme very soon. But the person I think who knows most about Johannesburg and South Africa is Derek Nimmo. You still have 13 seconds left, let's get away from South Africa if you can for the chairman's sake, gold shares starting now. DN: There was a, er, most famous man called... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes, alas it was! Anyway Derek got a point just then so you've got one now Clement with now still 10 seconds left, gold shares, starting now. CF: And so one looks in financial pages for the sort of gold shares that might... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo, why... DN: Repetition he said gold shares three times. NP: We've had a lot of gold shares, yes, that is true, you mentioned it... CF: I have a lot of gold shares! NP: Good luck on you son! Derek Nimmo it is still six seconds left for gold shares starting now. DN: They're generally bits of paper on which you find a lot of writing. This is to indicate the amount of money that you invested in... HOOTER NP: Aimi Macdonald, here's a subject, what I like about money starting now. AMa: Well what I like about money is the fact that you can buy so many things with it. And you can go wherever you want with it, and you can more or less do whatever you want with it. That is if you have a lot of money. However some people... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge? DN: Repetition, she's having rather a lot of money! NP: No, I'm sorry I don't think so. Aimi Macdonald, we're still with you with what I like about money with 45, 47 seconds left starting now. AMa: Well what I like about money is I think it's a very sensible thing to have. I mean if you didn't have money then you'd have to... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Six moneys now, enough yet for repetition? NP: Well yes I think so. All right, what I like about money Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: I likeits shape actually, particularly the shape of pound notes. I think it's very attractive really. I love holding it up to the light and looking through and seeing that little water mark. Very pretty, with a picture of the old head inside and a little bit of nettle. Now sometimes if you get that little nettle between your teeth and pull very tightly like this, you manage to extract it and a great long thin piece, very useful for wrapping around Christmas presents. I also like half crowns. Now half crowns, there's something very evocative about half crowns, I think... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition, three half crowns. NP: There were three half crowns, you're quite right. So with 16 seconds left for what I like about money Clement starting now. BUZZ NP: Clement, Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. What I like about money starting now. BUZZ DN: Three of the coins I mentioned before... NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, all right, 14 seconds left for you Clement Freud on what I like about money starting now. CF: Two shilling pieces are what people like and shilling pieces are pleasant, whereas sixpenny bits are much too small. They go in to parking meters and only give you quarter of an hour except in some districts where you get... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Deviation, they do give you more than quarter of an hour very often. NP: What do? DN: Sixpenny bits, pieces. The sixpenny pieces you put in parking meters... NP: Yes but in some places they do give you only quarter of an hour so it's justified. No, no, I think that's right, six seconds left Clement Freud, what I like about money starting now. CF: In the other districts it supplies you half an hour, and as... HOOTER NP: Well money has been Clement Freud's ally in this particular game because with money again he's now taken the lead with 14 points to Derek Nimmo's 13, Andree Melly a little way behind and a little way behind that is Aimi Macdonald. Ah Derek, a subject which I'm sure is very close to every man's heart and may be close to yours I'm sure, ornithology. Will you talk about ornithology for Just A Minute starting now. DN: Yes well I have always been terribly keen on our feathered friends actually. I remember setting up a hide in my garden in Liverpool when I was quite small to study birds, in particular to study tits. And there are an awful lot of tits in Liverpool actually. There are blue tits and long tailed tits, marsh tits and coal tits, crest tits... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged? AMe: There are an awful lot of this particular bird, you see. NP: There were quite a lot of that particular bird, weren't there? Um Andree Melly with 45 seconds left will you take over ornithology starting now. AMe: I like to wear a deer stalker and hide behind large... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation, I'm not interested in her cravings really. The fact she likes to wear a deer stalker... NP: Yes I don't think it's very devious that Andree... DN: She's talking deers! NP: ...likes to wear a deer stalker, she probably looks very looks very lovely in the deer stalker... DN: Oh well! NP: So 20, no 41 seconds left for ornithology Andree, will you carry on now. AMe: And study birds in Northern Scotland. Large ones made of pretty coloured feathers and even some of the small variety are fascinating and somehow very endearing. In spring there is the noise of birds to be heard in the gardens of London and in the streets. And in the summer... oh... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Yes, 20 seconds left starting now. DN: Gardens, eagles, sparrows, starlings, crows, thrushes, little hedge sparrows, flamingoes... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud, why did you challenge? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Ornithology is the study of birds, not the definitions. NP: All right, it's not for hesitation either. Clement, I will give it to you, 10 seconds left starting now. CF: The important thing when you're an ornithological student is... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge? DN: I don't really know! I don't quite know. I thought he had mispronounced a word but he hadn't. NP: It's a very clever way to play the game, to buzz first and then think of... But sometimes all it does is to give a point to the person who's speaking which in this case is Clement Freud, he has six seconds left for ornithology starting now. CF: You take your feathered friend into your left hand and turn him upside down and discover whether he really is... HOOTER NP: Clement Freud is still a little in the lead, 17 points to Derek Nimmo's 14, Andree Melly has caught up with seven and Aimi is still trailing somewhat. Andree it is your turn to begin and as you've played the game many times before and are very clever at it, we've got a subject which I hope will be difficult for you. I'll give you a moment to think about it, before I start you, it's nothing. Can you talk for Just A Minute on the subject of nothing starting now. AMe: It is the opposite of something. You spell it N-O-T-H-I-N-G. The French for the word is rien, the Italian riente, and the Chinese forbok-oooooon! It.. BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. AMe: Ah but you had to wait for that... NP: Chinese hesitation! Can;t allow that, not even in China, no, no, it is, um, also I thought there might have been deviation for that particular interpretation, I don't think that was the Chinese anyway. Forty-two seconds are left with you Clement Freud starting now. CF: I searched once for this particular product and looked absolutely everywhere. I walked first of all down Piccadilly and then turned along Park Lane, down Oxford Street... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly. AMe: Deviation, you don't find it down there! NP: It depends which kind of nothing you're looking for, and Clement Freud has probably got his own particular ideas. So with 30 seconds, one seconds, carry on now Clement. CF: And there in a house in Gloucester Place I discovered... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: No, I'm sorry, but if he's, deviation, if he's looking for something, he must be looking for something, he can't be looking for nothing! NP: Very clever challenge, all right Derek. Twenty-eight seconds left for nothing starting now. DN: I once received a brown paper parcel. I undid the strings that encompassed the parcel and took off the top layer of paper... BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald why did you challenge? AMa: Deviation, he's not talking about nothing, he's talking about a parcel. DN: If I may say... NP: Yes, I think I know where he's coming to. I'll give you a second to justify it Derek, what is it? DN: Well when I owned it I found nothing inside. NP: Yes I think that is entirely justified. Sorry Aimi he has another point, he carries on with er 20 seconds left starting now. DN: Underneath the spreading chestnut tree, I once saw absolutely nothing! This was... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Oh no no no... CF: Milking the audience for a cheap laugh! NP: And you do it in different ways very cleverly Clement! So we're still with Derek Nimmo with 13 seconds left for nothing starting now. DN: Instead of finding what I'd expected to find under the spreading chestnut tree, I... BUZZ DN: ...found Clement Freud! NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes alas you're right with seven seconds left for nothing with Clement Freud. CF: What is in Derek Nimmo's brain has often beeen described as... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Deviation! NP: As you can't prove it, I'm afraid we have to put it to the audience. All right I'll put it to the audience as you say. Do you think that Clement Freud's idea that there is nothing in Derek Nimmo's brain is justified within the context of this game. Remember, we do play it for fun. If so, will you cheer, if you agree with Clement Freud and if not will you boo, and do it now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I would say it was equal, I would say there's no points awarded. I would say that you have four seconds left for nothing and you start now. CF: And so I said to this chap "look here there isn't absolutely anything..." HOOTER NP: Well as he was speaking as the hooter went, he has another point. Clement Freud now has 20 to Derek Nimmo's 17, Andree is trailing with seven, Aimi is trailing even more, but no doubt if she keeps her finger on her buzzer and buzzes as rapidly as the men she might have a chance. Clement, I don't know why they've thought of this one for you. Whether it's something to do with the way you speak, I hope not. It is throat spray. Ah, I mention the subject first because I think it's time we had a penalty. Because they get rather clever after a time. They mustn't mention the word A. You've thought about the subject I hope, throat sprays, you mustn't mention the word A, and you start now. CF: Ifyour throat is particularly sore, it seems to me to be a very good idea to go to chemist's shops... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: It seems to me to be A very good idea. NP: It seems to me to be a... yes, A very good idea. Derek Nimmo we're with you, 55 seconds left, no as, start now. DN: I once took a throat spray... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. A guilty conscience or a Freudian slip, I don't know but Clement Freud has the subject back, throat sprays starting now. CF: They are really delightful ones which most good chemist's shops would sell, with a... BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald. AMa: Hesitation! NP: Aimi I will help you as you're trailing, he also said A. AMa: He said A, yes. NP: Yes he definitely said A, yes, I've written it down. Throat sprays Aimi Macdonald, don't mention the word A and start now. AMa: Throat sprays I find are rather fascinating things... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you... CF: A. AMa: No. What? NP: She never said it. CF: Are rather a fascinating. NP: Are rather fascinating. She gets another point. AMa: Ah! NP: She gets another point and you have throat sprays... BUZZ NP: And what have you challenged for? CF: I want to give her another point! NP: Another point. You've given her another point, she still has 43 seconds left for throat sprays, no As, Aimi, starting now. AMa: As I was saying, throat sprays are rather fascinating... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: I thought she was going to say A, but it's repetition. NP: You've given her another point, Aimi Macdonald... CF: She said exactly that before! NP: Yes but she's got another point because I want to play favourites at this particular moment. Aimi, 40 seconds left, throat sprays with no As starting now. AMa: As I was saying, I love to... BUZZ DN: Repetition, as she was saying. NP: Yes, she has another point and she carries on with the subject. Throat sprays, Aimi Macdonald, mustn't mention the word A and start now. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well either hesitation or another point! NP: As she hasn't been challenged for hesitation yet she can have another point and carry on, for the last time the chairman's on your side Aimi Macdonald so you've caught up a little, 40, no, 37 seconds left, throat sprays, no As, starting now. AMa: My... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, Derek Nimmo you take over throat sprays and you start now. DN: These mouth squirters are terribly useful to take with you to study ornithology. I wonder... BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged? AMa: Deviation. NP: Why? AMa: He's gone back to birds again, hasn't he? NP: Yes but he said the throat sprays were useful if you went there. So I think he's all... but he'll have to be very careful as he continues. AMa: But he was going to go on and on and on about birds, wasn't he! NP: Yes... DN: I was not! NP: You obviously know Derek Nimmo better than many of us. We're still with Derek Nimmo, throat sprays starting now. DN: Whenever I caught a puffin, I opened its mouth... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: A puffin. NP: A puffin, yes, no As in this particular round, 35 seconds left starting now. CF: Acutely sore throats react terribly well to spraying with... different... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Well he's slowed up so much, he's nearly stopped. Hesitation. NP: All right, hesitation. Take it over Derek Nimmo, throat sprays, no As, starting now. DN: "Open your mouth wide," said the doctor. "Open it even wider," he said again. "Let me start..." BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition! NP: Repetition! That's the most dogmatic repetition we've had in the whole of the series. Eleven seconds left, Clement Freud, take it over now. CF: Keeping mouth closed makes it absolutely impossible to spray throats whether they belong to small children, adult women, or even parents... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why did you challenge? DN: Well he is cataloguing the people he is referring to. Deviation. NP: Deviation? No he only catalogued the three different things. I'm still with him, two seconds left, Clement Freud, starting now. CF: And so you go to doctors... HOOTER NP: Ah Clement Freud is still a little in the lead from Derek Nimmo. Aimi Macdonald with the chairman's help has caught up equal in third place with Andree Melly. So Clement Freud is just the winner in this particular contest, a nice round of applause for Clement. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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