JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock,CBinstead
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, SHEILA HANCOCK and CAROL BINSTEAD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 December 1967)

NOTE: Sheila Hancock's first appearance, Carol Binstead's only appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Sheila Hancock and Carol Binstead in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is the Man of the Minute, Nicholas Parsons.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and welcome to our studio audience and hello listeners. Well here I am surrounded by lots of pieces of paper, a stopwatch and Ian Messiter who thought of the game. And I have a list of very unlikely subjects that I'm going to throw at our four contestants who are going to compete against each other and endeavour to talk for Just A Minute on one of these subjects without hesitating, without repeating themselves and without going off the subject. In other words, sticking to the point, keeping going and not hesitating. Just a reminder of the very simple rules, no deviation, no hesitation and no repetition. And let us start off, the rest of the game will become apparent as we play it. And I have to adjudicate when someone challenges the other four and sometimes it's very difficult as you will see. But let us start with Derek Nimmo and Derek I would like you to speak for 60 seconds on the subject of bedrooms starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I always think there should be a careful definition of bedrooms. Rooms in which are beds are kept in and beds, rooms which you sleep in. Um, beds seem to me to be the most fruitful place for entertaining. I love entertaining when I'm in bed. I think there's nothing nicer than lying in bed and receiving one's friends...

BUZZ

NP: Carol Binstead...

CAROL BINSTEAD: I think pornographic and unsuitable for the programme!

NP: And on what basis...

CB: I think talking about entertaining in bed is not the sort of thing that should go out on the BBC! Therefore in the best interests of our audience I'm just...

NP: On what basis of deviation, repetition or hesitation are you challenging Carol?

CB: Oh nothing, it's just moral standards!

NP: Moral standards! Well as you have such high moral standards I will award you one bonus point and ask Derek Nimmo to continue talking on entertaining in bed, I'm so sorry, no! The subject was just, he's changed it, hasn't he, to entertaining in bed. Probably the chairman should get a bonus point for that. Anyway Derek would you continue talking on bedrooms starting now.

DN: When I entertain in bed, I generally entertain my smaller friends, young children of four and five years old...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Indeed!

CF: I thought that was enough really.

NP: Without going any further into it Clement, I will award you one point. And ask you to go on talking for just 35 seconds on bedrooms starting now.

CF: Bedrooms tend...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation.

NP: No I... would you like to explain that?

DN: Well I just consider, I can imagine nothing more devious than Clement Freud in bed!

NP: Well as I gave Clement a bonus point before for his devious ideas of you, I will give you a bonus point. But I still think we stay with Clement Freud, will you continue talking about bedrooms starting now.

CF: Bedrooms tend to have four walls, a bed, a carpet. The bed has a number of useful things in it, notably me, two pillows, two sheets...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock, why have you challenged?

SH: I don't know quite why but Clement Freud isn't in my bed! So I don't think it's altogether true to say that bedrooms always have him.

NP: I would call that a very devious challenge. Because I think this is where...

DN: Because you know Clement Freud!

NP: I said before one needs more than the wisdom of Solomon and I think I'm going to call upon our delightful looking studio audience to be the judge. Now do you think I should award a point to Sheila Hancock for that. Clap if you think so.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Or do you think the point should go to Clement Freud?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: We're on the distaff side in this audience. Sheila you've won a point and you continue talking for just over 15 seconds on bedrooms starting now.

SH: Bedrooms can have a four poster bed, or a bunk bed, or a divan bed... ah....

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. I'd have thought repetition with all those beds too. How can you get them into one room? All right...

SH: The subject's bedrooms.

NP: Clement Freud has gained another point and he continues talking for the last nine seconds on bedrooms starting now.

CF: There are...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation, he always takes such a long time to start.

NP: Derek Nimmo, you've gained a point, we have eight seconds left, would you talk on bedrooms starting now.

DN: When my...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: You gained a point. Now who can beat this time. And from this point on, no-one else... you can't go any closer to the starting line than that. There are five seconds left, Clement Freud would you begin go on talking about bedrooms starting now.

CF: There are counterpanes, overblankets, underblankets, sheets, pillowcases, lovely warm...

CUCKOO

NP: The cuckoo which was played by Ian Messiter on his cuckoo machine here indicates that 60 seconds is up. And the person talking when it goes gains a point. And it was in this case Clement Freud who now has four points, Derek Nimmo two, Carol Binstead one and Sheila Hancock one. So we're going to ask Sheila to begin this round and Sheila I'd like you to talk for Just A Minute on the subject of my life starting now.

SH: I... oh...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

DN: It took ages before she started then.

NP: All right Derek would you continue talking about my life starting now.

DN: May I just ask a question?

SH: Yes my life or his life?

DN: Whose life is it? I mean is it her life or mine?

NP: I think in this occasion when you talk about my life you're talking about your own personal life.

DN: Fine, yes.

NP: Derek would you talk about your personal life starting now.

DN: My life is extraordinarily enjoyable. I wake up every morning in my bed and entertain my friends. They come to see me, bringing me large cups of coffee and cornflakes and there I sit in my bed...

BUZZ

NP: Carol Binstead why have you challenged?

CB: That's advertising!

NP: What has it got to do with deviation, hesitation and repetition?

DN: I'm not advertising my bed!

NP: Nothing at all! But before we get too deep into advertising will you continue Derek Nimmo with an extra point.

DN: Right, I was just lying in my bed entertaining my friends and eating my cornflakes. Then I read my newspaper and then after a little while my bath water is run for me, I get up and go into the bathroom and there take a most splendid bath. And I froth the bubbles and play with my rubber duck. And then after a little while I get out of the bath, towel myself thoroughly, put on my clothes, generally a little white silk shirt, a green tie perhaps and maybe a navy blue suit. And then I set off into the morning, perhaps foggy... ah!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud. Why did you challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. You're quite right, but I thought you'd better say it as all... Right though it's a pity because he only had about six seconds left but would you complete the six seconds talking about my life Clement Freud starting now.

CF: My life began on Thursday afternoon in April...

BUZZ

DN: I just, I don't want to know about Clement Freud's life!

NP: I'm afraid I can't give you a point for that, all you've done is give Clement Freud an extra one.

DN: Just trying to protect the public, that's all.

CF: Nevertheless my life began on a Thursday afternoon in April in the year nineteen hundred and forty-eight...

BUZZ

CUCKOO

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: That's a lie!

NP: Yes! All right, but with one second to go I think the fairest thing to do is to give a point to Sheila Hancock for her challenge for the deviation and also to Clement because he finished, they almost finished together. And the score now is Clement is leading with eight, Derek Nimmo has four and so Sheila has four, Carol Binstead has three and Carol's going to start this round. And I'd like you to talk for 60 seconds please on the subject of horror films beginning now.

CB: I lost one of the most fascinating men in my life through a horror film. I'd never been to a horror film and I was aged about 18 and I'd been dying for this man to ask me out for ages. Finally he asked me out and I hadn't got the courage to say I didn't want to go and see the particular film that was on that was a horror film. So we went and it started with great rolling of drums and I was terrified. And everyone in the audience was roaring with laughter except me who sat shaking in my feet not daring to show that I was absolutely terrified. Anyway the film wended its horrific way until halfway through the film suddenly someone appeared from a trapdoor and I was so frightened I shrieked and fainted...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition, there would have been many shrieks in the film already!

CB: Oh no everybody was laughing except me and I hadn't shrieked so far.

NP: All right, I'll give you an extra point Carol. Would you continue talking, you have 25, 24 seconds left starting now.

CB: This horrifying moment caused me to pass out...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Too much horror altogether, she said horror five times.

CB: But it was a horror film!

NP: Audience do you think Derek Nimmo should have a, have an extra point for that. Clap if you think so.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Carol Binstead?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The audience are definitely on the side of the ladies. So right Carol would you continue please, another 20 seconds.

CB: I find it very difficult to continue with this story as I don't really know what happened next as I was unconscious. The next thing I knew I was in the ladies cloakroom at the cinema with my boyfriend to be as I hoped then leaning over me in the most concerned way with the ladies cloakroom attendant standing by...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Well my moral standards are coming out now. I don't think we want to know about her sexlife in the ladies lavatory! Really, we have got to protect the public.

CB: I don't think there's anything particularly sexual about being unconscious!

SH: In the line of the ladies lavatory there is!

NP: It depends what is happening...

DN: I want to know how he got in! That's really...

NP: I must say...

SH: I thought she said she fainted and didn't know what happened. I'm worried about...

NP: Well things can happen after you fainted as well. So we'll leave it at that, I'll award a point to Sheila Hancock and you continue talking about horror films for the remaining five seconds starting now.

SH: Almost any film that I have appeared in has been a horror film...

CUCKOO

NP: And that cuckoo wasn't a comment, it meant that you have won a point because you were talking at the end of the 60 seconds. You have six points Sheila, Carol has five, Derek Nimmo has only four...

DN: Come on, I won!

NP: You've actually gone up according to the score which Ian Messiter beside me is keeping. And Carol, Clement Freud, has eight. And we're back with you Derek, you have a chance to redress the balance and I'd like you to talk for Just A Minute please on the subject of my worst enemy starting now.

DN: My worst enemy is fairly new acquired. His name is Clement Freud. There's a lot of things I find most unattractive about him, apart actually from his physical appearance which is peculiarly repellent! What really antagonises me more than anything is his gloomy voice. This dreadful dreary no...

BUZZ

NP: Carol?

CB: I think it's human cruelty this! I don't think it should be allowed!

DN: I think he is human cruelty!

NP: On what basis are you challenging then Carol?

CB: Human cruelty!

NP: But that's not, that's not one of the rules of the game, deviation, repetition or hesitation?

CB: Oh um, well deviation.

BUZZ

NP: No I don't think so, no. He's well stuck on Clement Freud here. Would you, Clement Freud you can have another challenge on top of that.

CF: I thought, fairly boring!

DN: I'm sorry, I'm rather governed by the subject!

NP: And I would say, speaking as the chair, I would say that Derek Nimmo was sticking to the subject, he was not hesitating from the subject and he was not repeating the subject. So would you continue...

CF: Terribly boring!

NP: ..about your worst enemy!

DN: Another thing which I find particularly unattractive is his clothing. He tends to wear rather nasty baggy woolen cardigans stained with soup!

BUZZ

NP: Did someone challenge then? Oh Clement. I didn't hear the buzzer. Yes?

CF: Tends to smacks of repetition.

NP: Tends? Would you explain that more fully please for the less intelligent people here including myself.

CF: Either a man wears rather baggy things which is a statement...

NP: Yes...

CF: But the repetitive process, he tends to, means he puts on, takes off, puts on, takes off. Which is repetitious!

NP: No that's, that's your interpretation of tending to, I would have thought tending to is he hasn't quite got into them. And on that basis I would say that Derek Nimmo has won a point and I ask him to continue Derek, there are 35 seconds left, go on talking about your worst enemy.

DN: One finds not only soup stains on his apparel. One finds all sorts of nasty gastronomic stains. When you see him first thing in the morning, with all bits of yellow oak... yolk... haha!

BUZZ

NP: Sheila?

SH: Hesitation.

NP: I think, yes.

DN: That was a natural pause really. Don't make fun of it!

NP: He has a natural, he has a natural hesitancy in his speech sometimes... I couldn't even get it out then!

DN: You try and say yellow yolk!

NP: Well I think the only thing to say is, Derek, is that if you have this problem with yellow yolk, rather than...

DN: Then I'll say it's white yolk, it's white now.

NP: Stay well clear of yellow yolks...

DN: And Clement Freud!

NP: You continue Sheila. Now we carry on now Sheila with your worst enemy. That's the subject.

SH: Oh.

NP: Starting from now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: Well I'm sorry, I withdraw. Well you see you rather doubled up on your starting, you said Sheila Hancock and I thought you meant start now and she didn't say anything. Then you buzzed and she did say something...

NP: Well I was trying to make it clear that talking about as we were before my life, the subject is my worst enemy and it's a personal reference. So Sheila would you go on about my worst enemy for the final 10 seconds starting now.

SH: I find it difficult to talk about because I haven't an enemy in the world. I suppose...

BUZZ

NP: Derek yes?

DN: She's not talking about her worst enemy and that's the question. Because she hasn't got one, you see, she's not talking about, it's deviation.

SH: Well, you then!

NP: I'm sorry, though the audience may be with you Sheila, you can't have second thoughts. Derek you win a point, will you continue please on my worst enemy for the last five seconds.

DN: His shoes are also peculiarly repellent. They're always stained with fruit...

BUZZ

NP: Carol Binstead why have you challenged.

CB: I don't think Clement Freud is that stained. He's talked about Clement Freud being stained at least four times and I don't think he's that stained, it's repetitious.

NP: Repetition?

CB: He talked about stains on the cardigan and stains on his trousers...

NP: Audience would you consider that those stains were repetitious?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right. Do you disagree?

DN: This is, this is a reason for not liking him!

NP: We haven't got time for a long discussion. Carol actually it is exactly 60 seconds, you actually were talking as the cuckoo went so I will give you a point for finishing on the 60 seconds and Carol a point for her challenge. And the score now is Derek's gone up to eight and Clement Freud has got eight. Carol has got six and Sheila Hancock has got seven. And it is Clement Freud to talk now for 60 seconds please on the subject of the art of winning at bingo starting now.

CF: My friend Derek Nimmo has a number of talents, among which is hesitation, deviation...

BUZZ

NP: Carol Binstead?

CB: Deviation, it's nothing to do with winning at bingo.

NP: I think you're quite right and you win a point and you continue talking about the art of winning at bingo starting now.

CB: The art of playing bingo and the art of winning at bingo surely must be to be a complete moron. You sit there for about four hours at a stretch with your eyes glued to a piece of paper while some nut calls out numbers. It is extremely... I think you have to have a particular mentality to win at bingo. I'm happy to say I haven't got that mentality, I've never won at a game of bingo in my life...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: That's deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You can't...

CB: I'm not playing bingo so I can't win at bingo.

CF: It's simply not talking on the subject of how to win at bingo.

NP: The actual subject is the art of winning at bingo.

CF: The art of winning at bingo.

NP: And on that basis I agree, Clement Freud would you get a point and continue talking on the art of winning at bingo starting now.

CF: The art of winning at bingo is to listen very very carefully to the people who call out the numbers. You assemble the cards in front of you and every time a number is called out, you cover such number if you have it on the card in front of you with some small item like a piece of paper...

BUZZ

NP: Carol Binstead.

CB: It's boring!

NP: It may be boring but he's sticking to the subject of winning bingo. You get an extra point and you have one second to continue talking on the subject Clement starting now.

CF: Thirty-nine!

CUCKOO

NP: I hope the listeners got that witticism from Clement, he just said in one second "39". Right you have got 12 points now Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo eight, Carol Binstead seven and Sheila has got seven. The girls are behind, let us see if they can come up now to the front. Sheila Hancock would you talk for Just A Minute please on the subject of Derek Nimmo starting now.

SH: This is a subject I know a great deal about it because I lived with Derek intimately for six weeks...

BUZZ

NP: Who challenged?

DN: I'm not challenging!

NP: Who challenged then? Now they're all getting very shy!

DN: There was nothing repetitious about it and nothing devious about it! A degree of hesitation but nothing else!

NP: Well Sheila I don't know who challenged...

SH: You must let me finish!

NP: Yes. You have, you have 55 seconds to continue talking about this delightful subject, we're all fascinated, will you start now.

SH: Well for the sake of his wife, I will add that I meant during the six weeks in which we did The Bedsit Girl. Derek is very kinky about yogurt! Instead of having a coffee break he used to have a yoghurt break during The Bedsit Girl. He's also inclined to be hesitant, devious, very devious. He has a stutter, he's tall, handsome...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo?

DN: Ah deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Well I'm not tall and handsome.

NP: Now this is one occasion in which I have to bring the audience in.

DN: No don't! No I withdraw that. I withdraw that!

NP: It's too late!

DN: I withdraw that!

NP: You've withdrawn three times but you're not withdrawing the sentence. Do you consider that Derek Nimmo is tall and handsome, if so clap.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: Now let him away.

NP: Do you consider that he's short and unattractive?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: I will.

NP: All right Derek, I'll let you be the judge, have you got a point or not?

DN: I've got a point yes.

NP: You've got a point so you are tall and handsome. Well done.

DN: No, no...

NP: That was what you were challenging on, oh you were challenging on the negative so I give you a point for that and Sheila continues talking about Derek Nimmo starting now.

SH: He's just had a baby...

BUZZ

NP: Carol Binstead?

CB: Impossibility!

SH: With Derek anything is possible!

CB: That's deviation!

NP: Deviation, I give you a point. Clement Freud you have something to say?

CF: Repetition, he's already had two babies.

NP: The first item on the show was kinky and I think we're going a little bit further into the realms of fantasy. Anyway who won the point? Ian Messiter would you tell me who won points for that particular point then.

IAN MESSITER: Derek has to win the last point because it wasn't kinky. Um Clement 12, Derek 10, Carol eight, Sheila eight.

NP: But we've still got some time to go on this particular subject of Derek Nimmo. But who's still talking on it? Sheila Hancock?

DN: Might I have a word?

NP: All right, Derek Nimmo would you continue talking on the subject of Derek Nimmo for 33 minutes starting now.

DN: Every morning when Derek Nimmo lies in bed he waits for his coffee to be brought in and his cornflakes. And then he goes to his bath where he bathes...

BUZZ

NP: Carol Binstead.

CB: Repetition of a previous answer.

NP: All right, I give you a point for that. Would you like to talk about Derek Nimmo starting now.

CB: As I haven't met Derek Nimmo before today, I'm not really an authority on Derek Nimmo. But I think that he is tall and quite attractive really. I think he's maligning himself...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud?

CF: Deviation, we've already proved that he's small and ugly!

NP: Another point to Clement Freud and would you continue talking Clement about Derek Nimmo for the last er 17 seconds starting now.

CF: Small ugly Derek Nimmo who has brown hair and two hands, both sporting eight fingers and two thumbs sits opposite me with a lot of cream coloured shirt showing cheap cuff links which are black and...

BUZZ

CUCKOO

NP: And that was the whistle. Who buzzed then?

DN: I did actually.

NP: Why did you challenge?

DN: Well they're not cheap cuff links, they're nice cuff links.

CF: I think they're cheap cuff links.

NP: Well we can only take your word Derek. I'm afraid I can't award you a point because we haven't enough time to have them valued by anyone in the audience. Clement Freud actually was talking as the cuckoo went, he wins another point. And the score um on that is Clement Freud now 15, Derek Nimmo 10 and the two girls have both got eight. Carol I'd like you to talk for 60 seconds please on the subject of gas starting now.

CB: The Gas Board in Britain is probably the most inefficient organisation going. I had a gas cooker installed last week. I walked into the house two hours after it had been installed and the house was full of gas. So I rang the Gas Board. As I was ringing them...


BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation, that wasn't inefficiency, that was deliberate!

NP: As I think a lot of people have experience with the Gas Board we will grant you a point Clement and would you continue talking about gas starting now.

CF: I think gas is by far the best means of cooking because it's faster than electricity and altogether an excellent and clean medium. This is not a commercial for the Gas Council of whom I'm particularly fond because they've been very nice to me on a number of occasions. In the very near future I'm cooking with gas in Belfast and I hope many of you who live in Belfast will come and see me cook with gas in...

BUZZ

NP: Carol?

CB: Self advertisement!

NP: But what's... you must say if you're challenging on deviation, hesitation or repetition.

CB: Oh I think deviation. It's not really about gas, it's about Clement Freud cooking.

NP: I quite agree and you win a point. We must be precise, all right, and you continue talking about gas for 25 seconds starting now.

CB: I shall continue with my story about how the gas men turned up at the door...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Repetition.

NP: Yes I quite agree. Would you continue talking about gas, Sheila Hancock starting now.

SH: Gas is a very uncomfortable thing to suffer from. You get it round your heart. There's certain things that people take to cure it. I can't mention them because that's advertising but they're very efficient. I can't tell you exactly the process that happens but as ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Will you continue talking about gas Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: Deep sea gas I find to be particularly interesting...

CUCKOO

DN: Oh! I thought that was almost a comment actually.

NP: Well you were, the cuckoo went as you were talking so 60 seconds are up. You win a point Derek Nimmo. Well there I'm afraid we must leave it. Just A Minute must be off the air in Just A Minute. I've just time to tell you that victory in this programme went to Clement Freud, closely followed by Derek Nimmo, a little way behind was Sheila Hancock and then Carol Binstead. And this is Nicholas Parsons saying goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.