JAM:PMerton,PJones,WRichard,RMurdoch
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, PETER JONES, WENDY RICHARD and RICHARD MURDOCH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 24 March 1990)

NOTE: Nicholas Parsons's 400th appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz faeds away once more it is my pleasure to introduce to you the four exciting and interesting personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back Wendy Richard, Peter Jones, Paul Merton and Richard Murdoch. Will you please welcome all four of them. The creator of the game Ian Messiter usually sits beside me to keep the score and blow his whistle when the 60 seconds are up. But unfortunately he can't be with us this week, so I have the pleasure of sitting beside me our producer's lovely secretary Anne Ling who has done this job with tremendous efficiency in the past. And once more I am going to ask these four exciting personalities if they can speak on the subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation or repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And let us begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter the subject, garden worms. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: If you fry them in butter with a hint of garlic, they can be very nourishing. I learned that on television in a Survivor programme. But they make pretty poor pets, worms. They don't respond to affection, or even...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PAUL MERTON: I'm not surprised they don't respond to affection if you fry them up with a touch of garlic and some butter. It's not the sort of thing to endear yourself to the garden worm, is it really?

PJ: No...

NP: So what is your challenge?

PM: Deviation.

NP: Oh no I don't think he was deviating. He did sort of pause there, he put a couple of ers in. No I don't think he was deviating, he was keeping on the subject of garden worms which is a very broad subject anyway. So Peter you get a point for an incorrect challenge and you keep the subject and you continue with 44 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And if you fail to make a friend of your garden worm you can use it as bait for fishing. You stick a pin through it which is rather unpleasant I suppose for the worm and even for the person doing it. But I believe fish are quite fond of them. Now what else is there er about garden worms? If cut in half they'll sort of er go on functioning as twins. And er there's not much else I know about them really. I'm coming to the end of er...

BUZZ

PJ: I did have a pet!

NP: Paul Merton challenged again.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: At last!

PM: Yes.

NP: Fifteen seconds left, garden worms, Paul, starting now.

PM: Garden worms can be found in many different gardens. For example the gardens of Buckinghamshire...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Wendy Richard has...

WENDY RICHARD: He said gardens twice.

NP: Yes there...

WR: Repetition.

NP: Repetition of gardens because the subject is... you can repeat the word on the card which is garden worms and you said gardens twice. So er well listened Wendy, nice to hear from you. You have the subject of garden worms and nine seconds are left starting now.

WR: I haven't got any worms in my garden. I wish I had because I believe they're very good for the soil because they airiate don't they, as they go through it. Actually I haven't even...

WHISTLE

NP: Well when the whistle is blown, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Wendy Richard. Wendy you have a point for that and you're now in the lead at the end of the first round. And we would like you to take the second round which follows this theme. We've got garden gnomes. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now.

WR: I don't have any garden gnomes. In actual fact I don't have a garden, I have a patio on which...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Well deviation, because you had a garden in the last round and now you don't.

WR: Ah! If I hadn't come to the end of my minute, I would have said that! I'm continuing on with me gnomes from the worms.

PM: But the serial started off with a lie because you said you had a garden.

WR: It wasn't a lie. If you'd have... if I'd have had more seconds I would have told them I haven't got a garden!

PM: But you said you had a garden!

WR: Yes well she blew the whistle didn't she! I didn't say that!

PM: Have property developers moved, have property developers moved in in the last minute?

WR: I think I'll go home now if it's going to be like this!

PJ: You were Wendy, you were whinging on about not having a garden...

WR: Oh all right!

PJ: And then you continued whinging by saying you didn't have any gnomes and people were beginning to look quite upset about it.

WR: Oh all right then.

NP: But they, they did enjoy the banter that followed as a result of all that! So the thing is Paul...

BUZZ

NP: And shut up Richard! What do you keep buzzing for?

RICHARD MURDOCH: I, I spotted something!

NP: Oh yes what have you...

RM: She repeated several words, haves.

NP: You're a bit late Richard. We've got way past....

RM: Well you didn't give me a chance, you've been talking a lot of rubbish!

NP: I haven't opened my mouth! Coz everybody else was arguing!

RM: All right, I'll resign...

NP: Give Richard Murdoch a bonus point for the haves...

RM: I'll resign, I'll resign...

NP: Because we haven't heard from him yet. So Richard's got a bonus point, Paul can I say that um, it doesn't matter what you say within a round, but if you challenge on the basis of what was said in this particular round. So if she has contradicted herself in this particular round that would be deviation. So Wendy you keep the subject, but you have another point and it's garden gnomes and there are 54 seconds left starting now.

WR: I don't have a garden gnome but I have a duck.

BUZZ

NP: Ah Richard's challenged.

RM: She said have twice.

NP: Yes I know she did, yes. So, a very literate man, Richard Murdoch, he watches for the small words. And er he's got in there very cleverly and you've got 50 seconds Richard to tell us something about garden gnomes starting now.

RM: Well I don't have any gnomes in my garden. If I did have, I know what a...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Wendy...

RM: Oh I'm a newcomer, aren't I!

NP: Yes! So Wendy got in there. I know what the challenge is but I think the audience should know so we know we got it correct.

WR: He said have twice.

NP: He said have twice. Right, another point to Wendy...

RM: She caught me at it, you see!

NP: And another point to Wendy and the subject, 45 seconds are left starting now.

WR: I don't have any garden gnomes. But if I had...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton...

PJ: Do you realise we've been talking about garden gnomes for five minutes! And we don't know whether she's got any or not!

NP: Um Wendy you got another point and the subject back of garden gnomes, we're fascinated to know what you're going to say now! Thirty-five seconds left starting now.

WR: I've got a concrete duck! Or at least I used to, because it fell over, last winter, on its feet and broke its head off...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Concrete ducks are not on the card!

NP: No.

PJ: Well why is she talking about them?

WR: Because I haven't got a garden gnome!

NP: So that is deviation yes...

WR: I was explaining why I haven't got a gnome...

PJ: Deviation yes.

WR: ...because I've got a duck.

NP: Yeah but you established right off that you were talking about concrete ducks...

WR: All right then.

NP: ...and concrete ducks are not on the card. Peter has a correct challenge and he has 27 seconds, garden gnomes starting now.

PJ: Garden gnomes are usually made of plaster and they are very garishly painted in dreadful colours and crude er faces they usually have...

BUZZ

NP: Richard Murdoch challenged.

RM: Well there was an er in there.

NP: There was yes. So Richard you have the subject of garden gnomes, everybody's spoken on it now, and I hope it'll end some time! But 17 seconds left starting now.

RM: If I had one, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd dig a big hole and place it at the bottom of the hole. And I'd then...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged, because Wendy?

WR: He said hole twice.

NP: He did say hole twice. Wendy you have garden gnomes back again for the 17th time and there are nine seconds left to hear from you...

BUZZ

NP: And Paul Merton's challenged.

PM: I just wanted to come in before she said I have no garden gnomes!

NP: A bonus point for Paul because we liked the challenge and Wendy still has the subject, nine seconds left, garden gnomes Wendy starting now.

WR: I would love to have a garden gnome. I think they are most attractive...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul Merton's challenged.

PM: Repetition of have.

NP: I would love to have a garden gnome! Oh yes she tried to get round it. Paul Merton you've got in for the seventh time on garden gnomes with five seconds to go starting now.

PM: My garden gnome is a very interesting little fellow indeed. His hobbies....

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went so he gained that extra point and Richard your turn to begin. The subject is coincidences. Very difficult to say, actually Richard. So I don't know how we're all going to do on this one so there's Just A Minute to talk about it starting now.

RM: Well I did have one sort of a coincidence. Two years ago I was at Littlehampton in Sussex. And I was on the beach and I had a wristwatch. And the strap broke and it fell into the sand and got buried. Now I rummaged about for about half an hour but could I locate that timepiece? No, so I gave it up. Well last summer, I happened to be at the same location. And I was with a friend who had a dog. And this dog started...

BUZZ

WR: Sorry...

NP: Wendy Richard has...

RM: Oh yes I should have said pet, shouldn't I?

NP: Yes and everyone was dieing to hear what the dog found! Well if we don't, I'll ask you at the end because to play the game Wendy had a correct challenge, takes over the subject of coincidences and there are 25 seconds left starting now.

WR: I was at a charity ball some years ago when by some dreadful coincidence two ladies turned up wearing the same frock. I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Paul...

WR: I knew it would be you!

NP: ...Merton challenged.

PM: Were they wearing the same frock or identical frocks?

NP: Specif...

WR: If he's going to nit-pick I'm going home!

NP: I don't... I think it was a very good challenge...

WR: All right, all right...

PM: Because if it's the same frock that's not a coincidence, they're just very good friends!

WR: I'm not going to tell you, it's a secret!

NP: It was such a good challenge, this picture of these both ladies in the same frock. I think maybe the fair thing is to give Paul a bonus point for his lovely challenge but leave the subject with Wendy...

WR: I don't want it! Let him talk about it!

NP: He gets the point...

WR: He gets the point, he can have the subject and all!

NP: ...and the subject, 16 seconds Paul, coincidences starting now.

PM: I was walking through Littlehampton with a friend of mine who had a little dog and this pet started burying in the sand. And what it was burying was two ladies...

BUZZ

NP: Richard Murdoch challenged.

RM: He said buried twice.

NP: Yes he did indeed...

RM: Yes.

NP: You got the subject back and you've got eight seconds to finish your story Richard starting now.

RM: Well we took no notice of this dog. But eventually it came up to us and what do you think it had in its mouth?

BUZZ

WHISTLE

RM: A copy of the Radio Times! That may not be a real...

NP: Paul Merton, no, Paul Merton did actually challenge before the whistle...

PM: No, no, not at all, no, no...

RM: That may not be an actual coincidence but it's the nearest I can get to having one!

NP: It's a good thing it came after the whistle, didn't it! Yes! So anyway you get a point for speaking as the whistle went and um let me give you the score at the end of the round. Yes well Wendy's still in the lead, one ahead of Paul Merton. Richard's catching up on them and then comes Peter Jones. And whose turn it is to begin? Paul Merton, the subject Paul is choke. Would you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PM: It's a method of strangulation. This is how Doctor Crippen got rid of his wife. When he got a bit fed up with her he decided to choke her. At the trial they said to Dr Crippen why did...

BUZZ

NP: And Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: Doctor Crippen twice.

NP: Yes Crippin can't come in twice, but choke can...

PJ: Also quite incorrect, he didn't strangle his wife. He poisoned her.

NP: I know...

WR: I was about to say that. That was how I was going to start off my next bit, Peter.

PJ: Tough!

NP: It might be tough on Wendy but rather foolish for you Peter because if you'd challenged for that you could have had her on deviation. Wendy you have the subject which is choke and there are 49 seconds left starting now.

WR: I don't drive but I do believe a choke is a very important part of the motor car. You have to pull it out to start the engine in the cold weather, or indeed if you have a vehicle...

BUZZ

WR: What?

RM: You said have twice. Too many haves. You did actually say have, have...

WR: As it's you Richard, I don't mind. It's him I get annoyed about!

NP: Yes!

RM: It's the only thing I can ever get in at!

NP: Well he did let you go on the second have but he did have you on the third one Wendy. So we give it to him for repetition, 38 seconds with you Richard Murdoch on choke starting now.

RM: Oh choke, choke, yes, the thing you have in a motor car and you pull it out and it helps you to start the car. It's got nothing to do with strangulation or anything to do with the throat. It is something to do with er ah...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged. Wendy your challenge?

WR: Well there were several to do withs...

NP: Yes, to do withs...

WR: Ah...

RM: Yes.

NP: The subject is still choke and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

WR: Unless one has a vehicle like as in the one we own. Because it will never start, well, very rarely anyway. And this choke seems to be out more often than it's in. And that's all really I know about choke as far as motor vehicles are concerned...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Er deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Well she said that's as much as she knows. You can't go on! She's come to a halt!

NP: And she did repeat motor car, didn't she?

PJ: Yes she did.

NP: Well done Peter! You have another point and seven seconds on choke starting now.

PJ: Artichoke is one of my favourite vegetables because if you eat only the edible part and you don't get involved with the choke...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter was speaking then, Peter Jones, when the whistle went, gained the extra point. He takes the next subject, so here's a chance for you Peter. Tipping, would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: It's something that er I don't really approve of, and I'd prefer it if there wasn't any. But in this calss ridden society in this country, I suppose it will continue to be er indulged in...

BUZZ

NP: Richard Murdoch has challenged.

RM: There were one or two ers there.

NP: There was more than one, yes Richard. You have the subject of tipping and there are 49 seconds left starting now.

RM: It's a rather nice word, tipping. It rhymes with ripping and it also rhymes with... no it...

BUZZ

RM: Ah yes...

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

RM: I'm being awfully silly, aren't I?

NP: Well realise... people don't realise how difficult it is to play this game. I think anybody who thinks that it's easy should practice at home some time.

RM: It's practically impossible!

NP: Specially when you've got three bright intelligent people breathing down your neck, wishing to spot your errors. Forty-three seconds are left with you Wendy on tipping starting now.

WR: Tipping is very much expected by people today. I personally always tip taxi drivers well because I'm terrified if they haven't been given sufficient they'll shout at me down the street. And I get very easily upset! I do object to tipping in some restaurants when the service hasn't been that good and I do think it should be left up to the individual if you wish to give big tippings or small tippings. It should be entirely up to what...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton has challenged.

PM: Um deviation, big tips or small tips.

NP: And the word on the card is tipping. So it was a repetition of tippings.

RM: Oh bad luck!

NP: So Paul would you tell us something about tipping in 16 seconds starting now.

PM: Tipping is a little village just outside Yorkshire. There is Little Tipping and Big Tipping. Big Tipping... oh no...

BUZZ

NP: Richard?

RM: Ah, too big!

NP: Yes you did, yes. So Richard you're in on the subject of tipping and there are 10 seconds left starting now.

RM: Well a man took a taxi to the theatre and he gave the driver a penny...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree with that one Peter so you're in on tipping and there are five seconds left starting now.

PJ: I've tipped most of my life. But I've never actually received a tip. Actors don't get any. If you stand outside the theatre saying to the people...


WHISTLE

NP: Right, so Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went got the extra point then and he has moved forward rapidly but he's still in fourth place. But he's only just behind Richard Murdoch who... no, just behind Paul Merton now, who's one behind Richard Murdoch and he is two behind Wendy Richard who is still in the lead and she begins the next round. Wendy, Prince Albert. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

WR: I don't know a great deal about Prince Albert, well not Prince Albert the person. I've known a few pubs called Prince Albert. They are usually quite jolly places where one can enjoy a game of darts or shove hapenny and various entertainments before those dreadful video games were introduced and jukeboxes and that the like that. But if one is wanting to talk about Prince Albert who was married to Queen Victoria who gave her such a large family and er they named a monument...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: There was an um there.

NP: There was an um...

WR: There was!

NP: She thought about the large family and um she ermed. Right, Prince Albert is with you now Peter Jones and there are 28 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I think he was a really splendid man. He introduced the Christmas tree...

BUZZ

NP: Richard Murdoch challenged.

RM: There were two hes, he he. He was a splendid man and he did something else.

NP: I think that's a mean challenge Richard, I really do.

RM: Well all right.

NP: I mean it's really, really...

RM: Let him get on with it.

NP: ...tough. No, no, I mean, I think if it were three hes yes you might. But two hes, we are inclined to let the hes and the its and the Is go...

RM: Yes.

NP: Twenty-four seconds are left with you Peter having gained another point on Prince Albert starting now.

PJ: And I believe he instigated...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Three hes!

NP: Well I did say if there were three I would probably have to do it! Paul I've got to abide my word, right, three hes. But do watch it, not too many hes please for challenges. Twenty-two seconds with you Paul Merton, Prince Albert starting now.

PM: There is a Prince Albert pub near to where I live. It's a ... place...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, these hes are inhibiting them all, you can see that. Peter you have er Prince Albert again and 17 seconds starting now.

PJ: Prince Albert instigated, I believe, the Crystal Palace at the Great Exhibition. And a great triumph for British architecture...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of great.

NP: Yeah, great triumph and the Great Exhibition, Peter.

PJ: Yes.

NP: Sorry and Prince Albert's back with you Paul, 11 seconds starting now.

PM: In the corner there is a very old man who claims to remember the original Prince when the pub was opened in 18...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: He said pub twice.

NP: Yes he did say pub twice. So Wendy you got in again on Prince Albert and you've got only er three seconds left starting now.

WR: Prince Albert I believe was one of the most handsome...

WHISTLE

NP: So let me give you the score at the end of that round. Wendy Richard is still in the lead on 12 points. But following her is now Peter Jones in second place. He's moved rapidly forward and just one point behind equal are Paul Merton and Richard Murdoch. And Richard your turn to begin, the subject is ditties. We know you've written quite a few, but would you like to talk on the subject, any way you wish, in this game starting now.

RM: Well talking about ditties, perhaps you'd like to hear one. It went something like this.

(singing) Don't eat peas with a very sharp bread knife,
It's inadvisable,
Just use a sizeable
Thing like a needle or a fork instead.
Don't boil eggs in a bottomless saucepan,
They're never edible,
It's quite incredible
How many people never get things right.
That is the end of a pretty little ditty.
Cheerio! Good night!
Of course there are other ditties but I'm sure you don't want to hear me sing any of them now. So I won't...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard what's your challenge?

WR: Being incorrect.

NP: For why?

WR: Well he said nobody wanted to hear another one. I do! They do!

NP: You give me an impossible, an impossible decision because obviously the challenge is correct, you do want to hear it. But obviously everybody wants to hear Richard do another ditty. You're going to be generous and forego your point which you should have...

WR: Yes.

NP: Right, give it to Richard, he gets a point for being inetrrupted and he gives us the subject of ditties, 20 seconds Richard, starting now.

RM: (Singing) At Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh,
We really were a very happy station,
At Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh,
You'll always find us doing something useful.
We're very fond of sausages, we often study Greek,
Experiments in science keep us busy every day,
And when we've time to spare we often make up rhymes like this,
At Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh,
That's all I know about that one.
At Much-Binding... yeah but that's the end...

BUZZ

NP: And Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh.

NP: Yes that was a generous challenge because he waited till you'd finished. Paul's got in with one second to go on repetition starting now.

PM: I don't have any garden gnomes!

WHISTLE

NP: So the situation changes very rapidly. Wendy is still in the lead but the others are all catching her up. And Paul your turn to begin, the subject holiday insurance. You tell us something about that vexed subject in this game starting now.

PM: It seems to be advisable that if you go on holiday you must take insurance in case something drastic happens while you're abroad. For example, you could suffer from food poisoning or perhaps drown. And if you drowned, then you would want to get your money back as soon as possible. You would have to go to your nearest travel agent and you would say "look, I'm sorry, I died in water while I was on holiday and I would like a full complete refund". And travel operatives in this kind of situation are often very keen to refund the money because the last thing that they want is an unhappy dead customer. Now I remember once going on holiday to Scarborough and it was in the middle of the cyclone season which hits that particular resort every year between the months of March and May. And I was caught up in the epicentre of this particular windforce and was carried some 5000 miles all the way to Kansas City where I happened to meet Robert Redford who at that time was making a remake of the film Butch Cassidy...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, a well deserved round of applause for his flights of fantasy which he could have been had for deviation I'm sure. But they were so impressed with it. And he kept going without hesitation or repetition and anybody who does that for a full second gets a point for speaking as the whistle goes but a bonus point for not being interrupted. So there's two points there to Paul Merton and he's now equal in the lead with Wendy Richard. And Peter Jones it's your turn to begin, the subject takeaways, starting now.

PJ: Well they've done quite a lot for housewives who are rather tired of cooking. And they haven't done much for British cookery, I don't think, because the standard in the takeaways is not as high as can be obtained at home with a simple cookery book and modest equipment. I've made a few attempts myself to improve on takeaway food that I've bought and you can if you buy a normal pizza you can put extra cheese on it and split a few olives and drop, drop them over it...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: A hesitation there.

NP: Was there?

WR: I think there was. I think there was a slight um...

PJ: Yes I thought...

NP: A slight what?

PJ: ..something had gone wrong with the buzzer!

WR: Hesitation!

NP: Hesitation yes...

PJ: Sorry!

NP: He was hesitating while he dropped the olives. So Wendy I give you the challenge, the subject is takeaways and you have 27 seconds left starting now.

WR: When I first moved into my present home I had no kitchen, there was just an empty room without cooker, fridge, nothing!

PJ: Or garden or gnome!

WR: Just a kitchen sink! So I had to live on takeaways for six months! I can assure you I was sick of Indian food and Chinese cuisine by the time that period was over! But I'm not knocking takeaways because I do admit to...

WHISTLE

NP: So no doubt Wendy there applauding the intensity with which you kept going for the last few seconds there to make sure that you got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went because you have increased your lead, you're now two ahead of Paul Merton. And we have one round to go and it is your turn to begin, so let's see what happens in the last round Wendy. Mud wrestling. A good subject, I don't know whether you have any personal experience of it. But either way would you talk about mud wrestling starting now.

WR: I know very little on the subject of mud wrestling. In fact I have no knowledge of it whatsoever. But in the past I have seen pictures of people participating in mud wrestling. It looks quite revolting to me and I cannot understand why people want to get.

BUZZ

NP: Richard Murdoch challenged.

RM: I think there was a lot of people.

WR: There was.

NP: Yes there was a lot of people.

RM: Yes.

NP: Richard you have another point, you have the subject now of mud wrestling and 43 seconds left starting now.

RM: Well like Wendy I have never seen any mud wrestling. The one thing that is most...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: There seemed to be a stumble there.

NP: Yes because I think he realised Wendy said she had seen it but she hadn't participated. So it was deviation as well but the stumble I give you...

WR: I hadn't seen it!

NP: Peter you have the subject of mud wrestling with a correct challenge for hesitation and there are 38 seconds starting now.

PJ: It can't be compared to wrestling on a hearthrug in front of an open fire...

BUZZ

PJ: Though mud of course is...

NP: Peter I'm sorry, Paul Merton challenged you.

PM: Oh I think it can be, what was it? It can be compared, yes.

NP: It can be compared.

PM: Yes because in one you've got a lot of mud and the other one, you haven't.

NP: So it's deviation...

PJ: That's what I mean, there's no comparison.

NP: That's an interesting challenge because it can be compared.

PJ: No it isn't! No you can't, that's not a comparison.

PM: You can compare it and then say there is no comparison.

PJ: Well that's what I said.

NP: Oh no...

PM: You just said you couldn't compare!

NP: We're getting into the semantics of language now and I don't prepare to be involved...

PJ: If there's no comparison, you can't compare!

NP: I'll tell you what I'll do. We're getting close to the end and it's neck and neck who's going to win. I will put it to the superior judgement and wisdom of our audience. If you agree with Paul Merton...

PJ: What, that lot?

NP: Yes! If you agree with Paul's challenge which is technically correct but also Peter was colloquially correct. Let you be the judge. If you agree with Paul would you cheer for Paul, and if you disagree would you boo for Peter. So would you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter you have it they're colloquially on your side.

PJ: All right then.

NP: You get a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject, 32 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Mud is a comparatively cheap product. And that's why the promoters of these contests which Wendy saw photographs of, use it. Because if it were something else like er sugar or er treacle which might be more entertaining in many ways, particularly for the people participating because they'd be able to get nourishment as they went on and be able to sustain themselves. But as it is, mud, which they get I believe from the Nile, the more expensive contests are er financed...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged, what is it?

PM: Well first of all he said we use mud because it's very cheap...

NP: Mmmm?

PM: ..and then we import it in from the Nile...

NP: Yeah...

PM: ..for the more expensive mud contests.

NP: Yes...

PM: It can't be both!

NP: So what is your challenge Paul?

PM: Well deviation.

NP: He paused with an er seven times, I counted it. But nobody challenged him for that. But I don't think he was deviating.

PM: All right.

NP: So he gets another point and um there are with Peter a half second left on mud wrestling starting now.

PJ: It's very stupid!

WHISTLE

NP: So we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Let me give you the final score. Well Richard Murdoch finished in fourth place but he was only two points behind Paul Merton and Peter Jones who were equal in second place. But only two points ahead and so we judge her to be the winner for this week, Wendy Richard. We do hope that you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again at the same time when we take to the air and we play this delightful game. It only remains for me to say on behalf of Anne Ling who has deputised for Ian Messiter who created the game. And also our producer Edward Taylor and myself Nicholas Parsons. Thank you very much for listening and we hope that you'll be with us the next time we're all on the air. Until then goodbye from us all.

THEME MUSIC