starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, TIM RICE and EMMA FREUD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 April 1990)

NOTE: Emma Freud's only appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four delightful and talented people who this week are going to play Just A Minute. And we welcome Derek Nimmo, Tim Rice, Clement Freud and Emma Freud. Will you please welcome all four of them. We have there three who have played the game a number of times before and Emma Freud playing for the first time. And sitting beside me is Anne Ling and she blows the whistle when the 60 seconds are up. She also has a stopwatch in her other hand to tell me how many seconds are going during each round. And as usual I'm going to ask our four panelists if they'll speak on the subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we're going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud, and the subject Clement is odds. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: If you had a gold doubloon and you tossed it into the air and it came down heads 429 times running, the odds against it doing that for the 430th time would be exactly the same, even. Because there is a law of averages and there is another of probability. That's really all I have to say about odds.


NP: And it was interesting. You may have noticed he hesitated after he repeated the word 400 but nobody challenged which was very generous of them. What was your challenge Derek?

DEREK NIMMO: Well he just sort of stopped really.

NP: A hesitation.

DN: The odds seemed to be against him, I thought.

NP: So Derek you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that and you take over the subject of odds and there are 33 seconds left starting now.

DN: Odds are the ratio by the bets staked by one party exceed those of another. You can do it more easily by computer these days. That's why I like to bet on a quinella or a quadrella. Trifecta is very good as well...


NP: Emma Freud has challenged.

EMMA FREUD: He's making these words up! They don't...

NP: I'm not a horse racing person but I don't think he is. As a matter of fact... ask Clement Freud, he would know. Clement would you like to judge on this one? I know you go...

CF: I think Emma's right!

DN: Oh! Glorious! Glorious! Glorious!

NP: Oh there we are. I would never, I would never come between family! So therefore in this situation I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt to Emma Freud...

CF: Oh no! No you can't!

NP: Why not? She's the first time on the show, let her have a little chance! All right, Emma, you have 17 seconds to talk on odds starting now.

EF: Having been brought up amongst gamblers and going to racecourses an awful lot during my youth, the thing that's always amazed me about odds and betting are the tic-tac men you get on the racecourse. These particular gentlemen of the field wave their hands around in an extraordinary manner...


NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Emma Freud. So Emma you're in the lead at the end of the first round of your first time on Just A Minute. So well done! Tim Rice will you take the next round and the subject, wastes. And there are 60 seconds as always starting now.

TIM RICE: I certainly will. Where there's muck, there's brass. This is a phrase which is extremely true. Over and again I have had this brought home to me, because every person you know who has set out his stall to make a career or a living or both in muck has made a...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Muck twice.

NP: Yes, where there's muck, there's brass, where there's brass, there's muck. And where there's... 42 seconds for you Clement with a correct challenge, to take over wastes starting now.

CF: I have a waist which weighs...


EF: You were very right to stop there!

NP: So Clement Freud is the only person who can weigh his waist! But Tim you challenged.

TR: Well yes.

NP: What was your challenge?

TR: Hesitation.

NP: You have 39 seconds on waists starting now.

TR: I'm delighted to get back to the core of this subject after that brief interruption...


NP: Um Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation...

NP: Why?

CF: ...from waist.

NP: Clement is right, you hadn't got to the core of the subject previously. So you couldn't actually get back to it. And that was his challenge which is quite clever. So um we must give him the benefit of the doubt there and say he has 35 seconds on the subject of waists starting now.

CF: My waist we... measures...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well it's a sort of nonsense. Hesitation, deviation, everything! Throw the book at him! Throw the book at him!

NP: We give it to you Derek, 33 seconds on waists starting now.

DN: Traveling through the waste land of New Zealand I chanced upon Christchurch. And I find that city particular because amongst all the waste there in the City Square is a wizard...


NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Two cities.

NP: Two cities.

DN: A tale of two cities, that's what I was talking about!

NP: Tim you have waists and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

TR: Waste product means loot. You cannot go wrong if you invest your life savings and your ambition and your drive, everything that you have, every... oh!


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well he... hesitated, didn't he.

NP: Yes.

DN: Oh he went oh he went.

NP: Thirteen seconds Derek on wastes starting now.

DN: I used to have a very slim waste. But unfortunately the ravages of time have taken toll upon it. And it now exists at some 36 inches. Because I'm terribly sorry about it and I'm going to do...


NP: Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, he's in the lead. And Derek your turn to begin, the subject cats. You tell us something about those in this game starting now.

DN: There are so many things called cats. I will seize immediately upon a cat of nine tails. There was a particularly devilish whip with the same number I just mentioned of long bits of leather attached to it. One for the trinity, and multiplied by three to...


NP: Emma Freud has challenged.

EF: It sort of went a bit... you know! Hesitant.

DN: What do you mean, child? I've held her on my knee! How dare she buzz!

TR: Just before the show!

NP: And you were certainly very hesitant then, I can tell you Derek! I'm going to give Emma the benefit of the doubt because she hasn't played the game before and say that she has, er, 46 seconds to talk on cats starting now.

EF: Cats are my favourite animal. One of the most exciting moments of my entire life was when my small cat, Molly, climbed onto my knee and gave birth to seven kittens. Um...


NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: It was a very moving story but it, it, it ground to a halt!

NP: Yeah it ground... well...

EF: Yes.

NP: ..she was so overcome with the memory of seven kittens in her lap, that she couldn't continue. So Tim you have a correct challenge, 36 seconds, tell us about cats starting now.

TR: I have a cat which has one extremely damaged leg...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, we're talking about cats.

NP: Well he can still start off by saying he has one cat, that's not...

TR: I was going to go on to...

CF: Oh were you?

TR: ...to this cat's chum?

CF: I'm sorry! Tell us about your other cats.

NP: Thirty-two seconds Tim on cats starting now.

TR: Also two dilapidated ears, very poor eyesight and a sort of tail. It's called Lucky! Its friend however is infinitely more healthy. This feline fiend leaps around my house with gay abandon. In fact I'm rather worried about some of the company it keeps. But I am assured by my vet that it is a totally normal butch macho cat and I need not worry. His name is Brian...


NP: Emma Freud challenged.

EF: Two worrys.

NP: That's right, there were.

TR: Thank God for that, yes.

NP: You were worried before and you were worried again Tim, and not without reason! Um five seconds to go for you Emma having got in on the subject of cats starting now.

EF: After the third small cat that was... given birth to...


NP: Oh Derek who has had you on his knees got you again.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes Derek. Mean! Two seconds to go starting now.

DN: I have three cats, one's called Quinella, the other's called Trifecta...


NP: So Derek got in before the whistle and kept going and gained an extra point for doing so. He's increased his lead, he's just ahead of Tim Rice and Emma Freud and Clement Freud for once is trailing. Emma it's your turn to begin and the subject is larks. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

EF: Larks are japes that the four Marys get up to in the comic Bunty which I'm ashamed to say I still have delivered my front door every Saturday morning, and have had since I was about seven years old. This particular story which I have to say is my favourite contains er...


NP: Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Hesitation.

NP: I'm afraid so.

EF: It's very difficult!

NP: It is very difficult, yes, and they're not giving you any chance are they?

DN: If you'd just paid attention to your father for the last 23 years, you'd know how to play the game!

NP: Tim you have 44 seconds to tell us something about larks starting now.

TR: The sound of a meadowlark is not the same as that of a skylark. The former goes (does a long bird-whistle)


NP: Clement you challenged. What is it?

CF: Repetition.

NP: What of?

CF: The first and the fourth note!

TR: To a lark they meant very different things!

NP: I wanted you to tell us what the repe... tell us what the repetition was. So um Clement yes, I agree with the challenge, 37 seconds on larks starting now.

CF: During the war the ladies agricultural ration cards selectors were known as the Larks. And it used to be said up with a lark, and to bed with a Wren. This...


NP: And Tim Rice challenged.

TR: Well unless she was waiting for even more applause than he got, that was a definite hesitation.

NP: It was a definite hesitation yes. He was waiting for a bigger laugh. But um he got a shocked reaction because we have a very nice audience here and they weren't alive during the war. They don't know what he was talking about, half of them! The um, 21 seconds are left for you Tim on larks starting now.

TR: The kind of lark that is found in fields lays four to five eggs at one sitting. Not every time it squats I must admit. But every ahhh...


NP: Derek Nimmo got in. Yes?

DN: Two everys.

NP: Every yes, you were... you said every last time.

TR: Every.

NP: Yes.

TR: I've got an every problem.

NP: Got an every. Thirteen seconds for you Derek on larks starting now.

DN: I once recorded a disc. And the name of the tune was Wouldn't It Be A Lark To Be A Statue In The Park. It didn't sell many copies...


DN: Didn't seem to be tremendously interesting! What's the matter now? Who's played, was that you?

NP: Emma Freud's challenged.

DN: Why are you doing this to me all the time?

EF: I would like to hear you sing it!

DN: You wouldn't! I bet you wouldn't! I was talking about wouldn't it be a lark if there was dancing in the park...

NP: The audience would like to hear you sing it too.

DN: ..and the leaves began to fall or something. It was a terrible song.

NP: The audience would like to hear you sing it too Derek.

DN: I've just done it! That was it! That's what passes as singing!

NP: I might tell you that we had a visit...

DN: I don't have to audition on this programme! I'm here to play a game, not audition for Emma Freud! I know she's a new power in the land, but I don't have to sing for her!

NP: Emma you got in with a challenge with one second to go, what was it?

EF: That was it!

NP: That was it?

EF: Yes.

NP: I don't know what it was. What did you say?

EF: It was that I wanted to hear him sing it.

NP: Oh I see, well that's not a legitimate challenge is it really. So unfortunately Derek gets another point. You should have said hesitation and I'd have given it to you. Derek you have another er...


NP: Tim?

TR: Hesitation!

NP: Too late! Derek you have one second on larks starting now.

DN: The Australian expression larrikin comes from larking about...


NP: So at the end of that round Derek Nimmo has increased his lead. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject ghost writing. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Ghost writing is when somebody who is not the actual author writes a volume in the name of another person who is probably illiterate or in any case unable to do as well as would the ghost writer. And cricketers, footballers, baseball players, American basketball practitioners, many other sportsmen and quite particularly actors and singers who are not too good at putting one word...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Actors and singers aren't sportsmen.

NP: I know they're not but he's talking about the people who have books ghosted for them.

TR: Didn't he say many other sportsmen, particularly actors and singers.

CF: No.

TR: Oh sorry, I was totally wrong.

NP: So Clement I disagree with the challenge and you have 34 seconds to continue on ghost writing starting now.

CF: Every now and then you get particularly incapable and... uneducated...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well he sort of stopped again, didn't he?

NP: No he didn't stop, he hesitated.

DN: Well hesitation then.

NP: He had his flow interrupted and it's sometimes difficult to get going again. There are 29 seconds for you Derek on ghost writing starting now.

DN: One of the best ghost writers I know was Charles Dickens in Christmas Carol. The spirit of Christmas past...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Two Christmases.

NP: Christmas Carol, Christmas past.

DN: Oh well listened! Jolly good yes!

NP: Tim you have 22 seconds on ghost writing starting now.

TR: When I was a lad, one of the biggest thrills I ever got was back in 1951. I was given a copy of the Denis Compton Annual for Boys. I assumed that our hero, DCSC, wrote every single word of this tome. But no, his brother Leslie wrote some of it. And I am com...


NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I don't believe it! I mean, of those two Leslie was even less capable of writing!

NP: Before we denigrate these two great sportsmen, um...

CF: Great authors!

NP: Great authors! Did he, did Leslie write some of it?

TR: It said so on the book. I was about to get to the point that I was very upset when anybody suggested that he might not have written it. I believe that both Denis and Leslie wrote every word.

NP: Right! So... you have three seconds to continue on ghost writing starting now.

TR: PBH May on the other hand hardly ever got to grips...


NP: Well at the end of that round Tim Rice was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. He's moved forward, he's in second place though, one behind Derek Nimmo our leader and then come Clement Freud and Emma Freud equal in third place. Tim your turn to begin, the subject treats. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

TR: One of the greatest treats I ever had as a lad was in 1951 when I was given a copy of the Denis Compton Annual For Boys. It was a fabulous book...


NP: Emma Freud has challenged. Emma you challenged.

EF: Does that not count as repetition then?

NP: No, no, you can speak, say whatever you like in one round but use the same information in another round, providing you don't repeat yourself...

DN: Can't he be challenged for sheer boredom or something?

NP: Challenge for boredom or any other clever challenge you like to put in. But you can repeat...


NP: Um yes you challenged again Emma?

EF: Boredom!

NP: It's not one of the rules of Just A Minute. You're trying extremely hard...

EF: You said you can challenge for boredom or...

NP: No Derek Nimmo said you can challenge on boredom. I said you can try and be inventive with your challenges and creative. But unfortunately he can repeat words he's used in a different round. So well dome Emma, we loved hearing from you. But there are 53 seconds for Tim to continue on treats starting now.

TR: A great treat is to wander along some riverbank and listen very carefully. There you may hear the sound of the meadowlark. Or possibly that of the skylark. It is...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two larks.

NP: There were two larks.

TR: No they were... there's no hyphen in the word, meadowlark, skylark.

NP: A skylark is one word, you're quite right.

TR: Well done!

NP: I don't know about meadowlark but skylark definitely is one word. So you're right Tim...

TR: Good chairman!

NP: And far be it for me anyway to argue with someone who also writes so many words as you do. Forty-one seconds are left on treats starting now.

TR: Another treat in life is a cat. What could be more wonderful than...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repeat of what could be more.

NP: Well listened. Right, 37 seconds for you Derek Nimmo on treats starting now.

DN: One of the treats I don't like is the one they play in Chicago. It's called trick or treat and on Halloween they go around asking people either to give money for presents and things like that in Chicago. Otherwise they'll play a trick upon them...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

DN: Who did?

NP: Clement Freud did. Clement, your challenge?

CF: Repetition of Chicago.

NP: Two Chicagoes. So Clement got in with 26 seconds on treats starting now.

CF: I think a treacle tart for me is probably one of the great treats. When you have golden syrup and breadcrumbs and ginger and lemon juice and it's cooked in an oven with short pastry and thick cold Cornish cream is dollopped on top of it. And a spode plate is brought to the right temperature, and silver, a spoon and a fork...


NP: Everyone in the audience was dribbling at the mouth during that last bit. Clement Freud you spoke as the whistle went, you've moved forward, but you're still in third place. And Derek Nimmo and Tim Rice are equal in the lead. And Derek Nimmo your turn to begin. Derek now, the things I dread, starting now.

DN: One of the things that I dread is the thought of putting my hand down a wastemaster by mistake and switching it on and having this whole extremity cramped and flushed down into the drains beneath. Another thing that I dread greatly is going to the betting shop and saying "could I have a quadrella?" and the man saying "there is no such word!" I say then "can I have 5000 pounds on a...


DN: ..quinella! What?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, there's no such word as quadrella.

DN: There is! Are there people here from Melbourne? Is there a quadrella? Thank you very much.

CF: You can't go in a betting shop!

NP: For those listeners who didn't hear Derek Nimmo appealed to some of the audience who comes from Melbourne and he has confirmed to us that there's such a thing as a quadrella...

CF: Anyone here from Katmandu?

NP: And nobody in this country argues with a stranger from Melbourne! So we accept your superior judgement in the situation. I don't know whether you're right or wrong but Derek Nimmo you have the benefit of the doubt and 36 seconds on things I dread starting now.

DN: Sometimes I dread a great deal the possibility that I will not be able to sleep through the night. I might have to take a pill. But if I am lying there tossing and turning and seeing the faint crack of dawn coming through the windows, I know that my hours of rest have disappeared and throughout the day...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

DN: What's the matter now?

TR: It's deviation, it's not hours of rest because he's just been saying he's in torment.

DN: They've disappeared! I said they've disappeared!

TR: No but dawn has now arrived.

NP: Tim I can't agree with the challenge unfortunately so 16 seconds for Derek still to go on in his dreary way with... with things I dread starting now.

DN: One of the things I would really dread is going to Nicholas Parsons' daughter's wedding. Because I know...


NP: Because I didn't hear what you say, I don't know why the audience is clapping! Clement what was your challenge?

CF: He really dreaded before.

NP: That's right, he dreaded, he dreaded before.

CF: Really! Really!

DN: Well isn't that the subject?

CF: Really! Really dread!

NP: Things I dread is the subject. Yes one of the things I really dread. So Clement you got in with 13 seconds on things I dread starting now.

CF: What I dread is Tim Rice talking about when he was a lad in 1951 and getting the DCS Compton Cricket Annual about which PBH May wrote so very glowingly and Leslie...


NP: So Emma, as the first time on the show, you do see how sometimes you can very cleverly use material other people have used in other rounds. And ah recycle it all again.

EF: Gosh, thanks Nick!

NP: I know! And that's the only reason we asked her on the show so she'd speak to me like that! So um what is the situation at the end of that round? Derek Nimmo's still in the lead and then comes Tim Rice and then Clement Freud and then Emma Freud. And Emma, your turn to begin, the subject relations. Oh! Well thought-up subject by Ian Messiter but will you talk on it starting now.

EF: One of my favourite quotes of all-time was when an interviewer said to my father "tell me about your other grandfather". And my father replied "he was the father of psychology".


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well hesitation, she stopped, didn't she?

NP: I know, she did.

EF: It was the end...

NP: She didn't get the response she expected.

DN: It was very nice though.

EF: It was the end of the quote.

NP: Beautifully said.

DN: I know but you just started...

NP: You have to keep going in Just A Minute unfortunately Emma, one of the rules. So Derek got in there with 50 seconds left on relations Derek starting now.

DN: Well Emma Freud has a particularly charming mother Jill, who is one of the most lovely women that I have ever met. And I can never understand why she married that awful man sitting there with the bald head who's so terribly pompous! She wasn't to know at the beginning that he was going to get a knighthood, was she? No! She just knew she'd have to suffer his conversation, that (does very good impression of a Clement Freud mumble) year in, week out! For centuries it must seem! But the fruit of their loins or her loins I suppose...


DN: ...is the lovely Emma which is glorious and wondrous and... what?

NP: Tim Rice challenged...

TR: Yes.

NP: ...when you mentioned the loins.

TR: Yes, there were two loins.

NP: I didn't hear two loins, were there?

TR: Are you listening to another programme?

NP: There was such a lot of noise from the audience.

TR: No there were definitely two loins.

NP: All right, well if you say so. I mean I'll have to put it to the audience. Were there two loins? Thank you very much audience, that's why we ask you here.

TR: Thanks Mum!

NP: Tim you got two loins, I'm sorry you got the... You have a correct challenge with two loins and 17 seconds to tell us something about relations starting now.

TR: My great-grandmother was a remarkable woman. She was a dynamic character in every sense of the word. But I do not wish to detain you long about her because far more interesting is my third cousin once removed...


NP: Emma Freud challenged.

EF: Deviation.

NP: Deviation from what.

EF: Ah the subject! All right repetition!

NP: I think that's an extraordinary good challenge! Oh Emma definitely yes, you, you have, you have the benefit there, five seconds on relations starting now.

EF: I would like to point out that the only reason Derek Nimmo was saying those things was because my mother's sitting in the front row and he's a creep!


NP: So Emma Freud cleverly got in just before the whistle went and gained that extra spoint...An extra spoint? Extra spoint probably. Extra point for speaking when the whistle went and she's still in fourth place. And out in the lead still is Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud I think it's going to be the last round. Unfortunately I haven't got much more time but will you take it because it's your turn and the subject is after dinner speakers. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Your Majesty... Royal Highness... Lord Mayor...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Well, pomposity coupled with a bit of hesitation.

NP: What do you want? What is your challenge?

TR: Well I, I think hesitation.

DN: You didn't let him get to the gag-line which is not forgetting the bride's mother. You spoiled it!

TR: I'm here to win, Nimmo!

NP: Yes! Pomposity you're allowed, especially when you're demonstrating, but hesitation you're not. And I agreed that he hesitated between each one. And so there are 53 seconds for you...

CF: You can't really bring Her Majesty and the Lord Mayor very close together!

NP: In a speech you can.

CF: Considered improper.

NP: In a speech, maybe not in real life, but in a speech you can, and in Just A Minute you have to, otherwise it's hesitation. So um Tim you have after dinner speakers and 53 seconds starting now.

TR: I've got two sets of speakers at home. One are very big and boomy, the other tiny. And one is used for before dinner and the other for after the same meal. It is a very successful home entertainment format because before and... I wish somebody would stop me!


NP: Derek Nimmo helped you out. You challenged Derek? I must hear your challenge.

DN: Repeat of before.

NP: Right, 39 seconds for you Derek to tell us something about after dinner speakers starting now.

DN: That brilliant man, Sir Clement Freud, is quite the best after dinner speaker that I have ever heard. And his wife is hugely lucky to be married to a man of that degree of talent. He gave particularly good advice to after dinner speakers when he said if you have something of pith and moment to deliver, a line of people who are intoxicated and absolutely witless are not necessarily the best people at all. But if you have nothing to say at all, they might be your very audience. He is such a distinguished man. Last year he won...


NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: There was two peoples.

NP: Yeah there were, you talk about the peoples too much, I'm afraid.

DN: When people? When was this peoples thing? When? There were no peoples.

TR: Well I let you go on a bit because I wanted to see if it would get less nauseating. It didn't so I'm hauling you up on a repetition of people.

NP: Tim you have after dinner speakers and you have 10 seconds left starting now.

TR: My Lords, ladies and gentlemen. It is with great pleasure that I begin every speech I make, and there are many of them, with those time honoured and infallibly successful....


NP: So Tim Rice was then speaking as the whistle went and he gained that extra point. And it now remains for me to give you the final score because that was, alas, the last round. Emma Freud who's not played the game before, came along with great style, great charm, flirted with us all and did extraordinarily well and we loved having you on the show...


NP: Yes Emma?

EF: Unfair!

NP: Was it?

EF: I didn't!

NP: Oh well then I'm disappointed, I thought you were. What a pity. There we are, you did very well Emma but I'm afraid you finished in fourth place. You were only a little way behind your father who came in third place. This week our joint winners are Tim Rice and Derek Nimmo! We hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and it only remains for me to say on behalf of our four excellent panelists, Tim Rice, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo and Emma Freud, and also Anne Ling who's been keeping the score and blowing the whistle and also our producer Edward Taylor and myself Nicholas Parsons, thanks for tuning in, thank our audience for attending in the studio and we hope that you'll be with us on the air the next time that we play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here goodbye.