JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,WRichard
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and WENDY RICHARD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 May 1988)


NOTE: Thanks to Vicki Walker for her work on this transcript. :-) Wendy Richard's first appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just a Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, once again it is my pleasure to introduce to you the four exciting personalities who are going to play Just a Minute today. And we welcome three of our regular players of the game, Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud. And also a guest who has never played the game before, that distinguished actress Wendy Richard. Will you please welcome all four of them! As usual, I'm going to ask each panellist in turn if they can speak on a subject that I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. Ian Messiter sits beside me, he keeps the time, also blows his whistle when 60 seconds is up. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, who better to begin any show?

CLEMENT FREUD: Me?

NP: Yes. Well said, Clement. Kenneth, going bananas. Something you've never been guilty of. But would you talk about going bananas on Just a Minute, starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Few people realize this derives from banana split, meaning the personality divided as in schizophrenia. And the assumption must be that a manic state ensues, whereby, mmmm, passion is arrived...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation. Mmmm, passion.

NP: Yes. That was a hesitation.

KW: I think it's awfully hard on me.

NP: Derek Nimmo gets a point for a correct challenge and he takes over the subject with 44 and a half seconds left, going bananas, starting now.

DN: It's an expression used in Zimbabwe for those who aspire to be president of that country which used to be called Rhodesia, because the present occupant of the post is the good Reverend Doctor Canon Banana. And so anyone who wants to go bananas in that particular part of the world means that they're trying to get high office. Going bananas can also be used for the way in which Clement Freud and indeed Kenneth Williams very often plays Just a Minute. Because they scream and shout and carry on most alarmingly! Which produces merriment and mirth, which is the object of the game. See, we all try to go bananas from time and quite frequently thereafter as well, because this is the sort of thing which is amusing, we hope, and which

WHISTLE

NP: Well, Derek Nimmo took the subject over with 44 and a half seconds to go and kept going till the 60-second whistle went. Clement Freud, would you take the next subject, which is greyhounds? Sixty seconds as usual, starting now.

CF: A greyhound is any sort of breed of slick, fast dog, bred for its ability to run more quickly...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation. It's not any sort of breed. Lots of breeds, dogs are bred to be fast and rapid.

NP: Yes, I don't see how a greyhound can be described as any sort of breed. It is a particular breed, is a greyhound.

DN: That's absolutely right.

CF: Not...

KW: Don't say not like that. He's the chairman!

NP: That wouldn't inhibit him, don't worry!

CF: Why do you think there were no greyhounds in France? Because it isn't a class.

NP: Greyhounds are not accepted because there are many different variations of the greyhound. But not any breed of dog can be a greyhound. I hope I've made my point.

KW: Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

NP: So, Clement...

DN: Gosh, aren't we lucky to have such an erudite and articulate chairman!

KW: Yes.

DN: Very fortunate.

NP: Fifty-two seconds are left for greyhounds with you, Derek, starting now.

DN: During my youth, I went many times to watch the Waterloo Cup, which is a contest between the best greyhounds of this country. It happens to be, take place near my hometown of Liverpool, and it is a sport which I am not entirely agreeable with...

BUZZ

DN: Or not I'd rather think a little better

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. That was definitely hesitation.

DN: Absolutely. Well judged, chairman! Very good.

NP: So you've got your greyhounds back, Clement, with 33 seconds left starting now.

CF: There are stadia all over London and in most towns and cities in the country in which six greyhounds race against each other. They're known as one, two, three, four, five... and the...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation. He missed out on six.

NP: He was coming to another way of expressing six without actually having arrived at it, and I don't think he went pause enough to be called a hesitation.

DN: Are you clairvoyant as well, now?

NP: No, but I can see... I've played the game long enough to know which way his mind's going. Like the way you got out of time and time by saying time and something later or something. Clement, I disagree with the challenge. You have another point, 19 and a half seconds, greyhounds, starting now.

CF: There are folk who think it is the same half dozen greyhounds who run at Stamford Bridge, White City and all the...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: They can't run at White City because it's been pulled down. He should, he should have used the past tense.

NP: With that, he gets another point and the subject. Twelve seconds, greyhounds, Derek, starting now.

DN: Coming out of Los Angeles, I lept onto the handily adjacent Greyhound bus and drove up...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I don't believe it. He has a butler and takes taxis!

NP: Whether, whether you believe it, whether you believe it or not, it is quite possible he did it, even if he didn't do it recently. Six seconds are still with you, Derek, on greyhounds, starting now.

DN: Like a greyhound at the slips is part of a quotation from one of the splendid...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo once again was speaking as the whistle went, he's gained a number of more points with greyhounds and he has increased his lead. Clement Freud's the only other person to score any points so far, and we now move to Derek Nimmo to begin a round. Derek, the subject is Paris. Would you tell us something about that city starting now?

DN: "I love Paris in the springtime, je adore Paree in the fall" are the words of a very popular song that describes that lovely city in France, the capital thereof which I have spent many times there in great excitement, particularly at the Moulin Rouge and the Lido Cabaret, dangling on my knee a sort of Bluebell Gulls, and gosh, there's an awful lot of them to put on that particular part of one's anatomy that I was describing, which is handily adjacent to another part of one's anatomy, being the ankle...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: We've had two anatomies.

NP: You not only had two anatomies, he's deviated entirely from the subject of Paris!

KW: Yes, that's true. He was deviating.

NP: Talking about his anatomy and someone else's anatomy that was dangling on his knee! Anyway, you did get him for repetition, which is correct.

KW: Yes.

NP: And Paris is the subject, and you have 24 seconds to talk on it, starting now.

KW: You'll find them still there, those cafes in the square where our first love affair was a dream that came true. On the Vue de Voillant, I mean I went there to a tatty old boarding house by Pan l'Essaire and this awful woman, I said "Oo ae, la toilette" and she said, "Oh, you are searching...

WHISTLE

NP: So much to our audience's pleasure in the studio, Kenneth Williams got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went, and ah we never discovered what he did in that toilette in Paris. But he has another point. In fact, he' equal with Clement Freud, who are trailing Derek Nimmo, and Wendy Richard will now take the next subject, which is soap. Wendy, take a deep breath and talk, talking for the first time on Just A Minute starting now.

WENDY RICHARD: The word soap can apply to many things. It... could refer to some of these appalling American programmes that are shipped over here, ie. Dallas and Dynasty. Or as the French say, it could also... pertain to... javon, which is what one wash, washes one's hands with. Or... or... it could relate to East Enders, a little-known... television show...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged.

DN: Ah me! Who did that?

KW: I did, because how can you say East Enders is little known? It's well known! Millions watch it, don't they?

NP: So actually, no, I think he was ah...

WR: I was being modest!

NP: ...because, you see, yes, and this is where the boys are very generous. They want everybody to know who's listening in this country and abroad that Wendy Richard is one of the stars of EastEnda... Enders. And she was so modest she dried up and Kenneth got in with a correct challenge and he takes over the subject of soap with 29 and a half seconds left, starting now.

KW: Well, it's dreadful stuff when it gets in your eyes. And not only smoap, I mean soap... I mean...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo got in first.

DN: Well, it was a sort of deviation.

NP: Yes. Derek, would you talk on soap with 23 seconds left, starting now.

DN: Soapy Sam was the name of Samuel Wilberforce, or nickname thereof, who was Bishop of Oxford and was known for his very unctuous kind of delivery which they decided was rather soaplike...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Hasn't mentioned soap.

DN: Soapy Sam.

NP: Soapy Sam.

CF: That's not soap.

NP: You got soap and you have nine seconds to talk on it starting now.

CF: I went to a chemist's shop quite near...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He hasn't talked about soap!

NP: So Derek gets a round of applause and gives Clement Freud another point. And there are seven seconds on soap starting now.

CF: Do you have soap, I said...

DN: Soap is one of those infinitely...

NP: No, not you!

DN: He hadn't mentioned soap!

NP: He was going into a chemist's shop.

DN: You could buy anything in a chemist's shop! Minty...

KW: That's true, especially nowadays!

NP: I maintain that you didn't give him a chance to establish that he was going in to buy soap. So he therefore kept the subject and it was his point and there are now five, four seconds for Clement to continue on soap starting now.

CF: Do you have soap, I said to the man behind the counter. Five pounds...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained another point, and he has moved up just two points behind Derek Nimmo, just ahead of Kenneth Williams, and Kenneth begins the next round. Kenneth, the subject: Neptune. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

KW: Well, of course it is the old Latin god of the sea, water to be precise. But also there is Neptune in New Jersey, where this Methodist association has a lot of tents, and they're camping all the year round. It's an enormous camp and they are great campers...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy, Wendy Richard, Wendy Richard, you challenged.

WR: Well, because he said camp... Is camp, camping and campers classed as one word or three?

NP: They are three words. You can have camp and camps.

DN: They're much the same in Great Portland Street.

WR: Well, I think then it was a deviation.

NP: All that camping was a deviation from Neptune?

WR: Yes.

NP: Yes, I think you're right, Wendy. Yes, definitely. So you've got your first point on Just a Minute. Well done, yes.

WR: Thank you.

NP: So will you talk on camping now... no, no, sorry... will you talk on the subject of Neptune with 32 seconds left, starting now.

WR: There used to be this wonderful fish and chips shop in Soho called the Neptune and they used to serve the best food you've ever had. And Manny, the chap who owns the premises, made wonderful batter which he used to... dip the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I just didn't want to hear what he did.

NP: So you're challenging for deviation.

DN: Hesitation and deviation.

NP: No.

WR: I didn't know you could buzz me.

DN: I've never tried before.

WR: I would have buzzed you before now.

NP: May I explain to our listeners, the reason...

WR: I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood.

DN: This is going to be my lucky night!

WR: I'm sorry, but I would have done you before now.

NP: I think I should explain to our listeners the reason for Wendy's remarks is that they sit in pairs either side of me and Wendy, sitting beside Derek Nimmo, she assumed that that was her partner! And she's just discovered he's playing against her.

DN: Oh dear.

WR: Right.

NP: But he actually challenged first of all, Wendy, for deviation. And you were not deviating.

WR: I wasn't, no.

NP: No, you weren't. You hesitated but you didn't deviate. No! You continue, you got another point for that, and there are 17 seconds left on Neptune, starting now.

WR: So he used to make this wonderful batter which he used to dip the fish...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of batter.

WR: That's not true!

DN: When you start again, you're not supposed to repeat the same thing on the same question.

NP: You can use...

WR: I was just letting them know from whence I had left off!

CF: Quite right.

NP: I certainly...

DN: I'm sorry, I withdraw, I withdraw my challenge. They do look like a very thick audience.

NP: Um, actually, Wendy, the audience are actually very much on the ball. They will know where you left off last time.

WR: All right.

NP: You, you can't repeat anything you've said in any particular round.

WR: Right.

NP: But Derek's being very generous and has withdrawn his challenge.

WR: Right.

NP: So you keep Neptune and Manny and his fish and chips shop and there are 14 seconds left, starting now.

WR: And if one of the customers was somebody he knew, he used to get an extra-large portion, you see, and they always used to keep special...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It was the seventh used.

WR: What?

NP: The seventh what?

CF: The seventh used.

DN: I only noted six, actually.

NP: I made it five, but who's counting? I mean, Clement, all right, Neptune is with you with six seconds to go starting now.

CF: One of my very favorite restaurants was in Lisbon Grove in...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He hasn't mentioned Neptune.

NP: He was deviating because he didn't actually come in with the idea of Neptune. He should have established this place was Neptune before he started. So I agree with you on this occasion...

CF: Oh, how would you, how would you have done it yourself?

WR: That fish and chip shop was called the Seashell.

NP: That fish and chip shop is called the Seashell, it's not the Neptune.

CF: We're talking about different...

WR: No we're not! I've been near there, it's got nothing to do with Neptune!

NP: Wendy, I, I can stick up for myself, love. I quite agree...

WR: Oh, sorry.

NP: It is called the Seashell, and they're getting a wonderful plug. We're going to get a free fish and chips supper afterward. Uh...

CF: The Seashell's moved.

NP: Um, there are three seconds for Derek on Neptune, starting now.

DN: Neptune is the same god who in Greek mythology is called Poseidon. And he used to reside on this...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo, again speaking as the whistle went, gained another point increased his lead. Ah Clement, ah the subject is with you and it's your turn, in other words, and it is shambles. Something I try to prevent this show degenerating into on occasion. And would you talk on it now starting now?

CF: I suppose shambles was originally a slaughterhouse, but it is now a name given to any sort of chaos, such as you might find on a Sunday evening in Paris Cinema in Regent Street...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: It's not a cinema, it's a theatre.

NP: Well, it was a cinema originally, Wendy.

WR: Yes, but we're in the present now. We're not living in the past, are we?

NP: Ah, it is now...

DN: It is now what's known as the White City Syndrome.

NP: I agree with Wendy because it is now known as the BBC Paris Studio. It is, was a cinema originally, for those interested in history. And Wendy gets the subject with 47 seconds left, yes, right, shambles, starting now.

WR: I have visited the Shambles, which is a street of shops in York... They have a slick...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well, she spent rather too long in the street in York.

NP: Yes, I will give it to you. Your hesitation was a strong one. I'm sorry, Wendy. Forty-two seconds for Derek on shambles, starting now.

DN: I visited the Shambles on a little street in York. And very nice it is, too...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy, what's your challenge?

WR: He's repeating me!

NP: I know, but he can repeat what you said but you mustn't repeat what you said. That's how we play Just A Minute.

WR: But he's pinching my ideas.

NP: He's pinching...

DN: Not only your ideas there.

NP: Well, you listen carefully and you might be able to pinch a few of his!

WR: All right, then.

NP: Right. Ah, 39 seconds, 39 seconds, Derek, on shambles, starting now.

DN: The whole of this program of Just A Minute turns into a shambles is because we have such an inadequate chairman who never gets things right! And always gives the wrong decision because unfortunately he's rather deaf and terribly elderly, and...

BUZZ

NP: Wendy Richard has challenged.

WR: I object to that remark.

NP: You're absolutely correct. So you consider that devious?

WR: I do. I played his girlfriend a few years ago. He can't be that old!

NP: It was deviation, and the audience applauded when she challenged.

DN: I see.

NP: So it was endorsed by the audience and she gets two points for that. And there are 27 seconds left for you, Wendy, on shambles starting now.

WR: Quite often, rehearsals and programs can develop into shambles...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

WR: What do you mean?

CF: Didn't mention York.

NP: So, so we give Clement Freud a bonus point for a delightful challenge, but Wendy Richard gets also a point for an incorrect challenge and she keeps the subject with 16 seconds on shambles, starting now.

WR: ...Anything can take up...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: She didn't say anything.

NP: I know she didn't. But she was working herself up magnificently to it, as this audience will verify. And she's only played the game... well, she hasn't even played it once before. It's her very first time. So she gets another point for being interrupted on her intake of breath. Do try and start after I say now if you can, please. There are 14 seconds on shambles starting now.

WR: Any minute now I shall take Clement Freud outside and show him what shambles is, because, oh, because, because otherwise this whole programme will deteriorate...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, our guest Wendy Richard, who's not played the game until this week, and um and with a little encouragement from the chairman there did get a number of points in that round in spite of everything else and actually getting one for speaking, for trying to speak when the whistle went. And she has lept forward. And she's in second place ahead of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. But she's trailing Derek Nimmo, who also begins the next round. Derek, the subject is wimps. Will you tell us something, why, why did you laugh? What, did you think it was a comment on him? Derek, the subject is wimps. Sixty seconds, starting now.

DN: Wimps, I believe, are rather wet, dreary people who these days seem to be equated with rather unsuccessful yearning, perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of rather.

NP: Clement, you have 51 seconds to tell us something about wimps starting now.

CF: Robert Browning was known as one of the wimps, mainly because he lived on Wimpole Street on London West One. I think Kenneth Williams wants to talk about Robert Browning at some length...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of Robert Browning.

NP: Yes, that's right. So wimps is back with you, Derek, with 40 seconds left starting now.

DN: When they put barrage balloons up into the sky during the war, I used to call them wimps. I don't know why. Perhaps it was due to that little character that one saw in that rather jolly cartoon where they ate hamburgers rather than fish and chips, which you get at the Neptune restaurant which we're plugging so heavily on this program. But wimps are also...

BUZZ

NP: Uh, Wendy Richard has challenged.

WR: I thought he was, he was deviation. It's deviationing. Deviating!

DN: Deviating, yes.

NP: Well, yes, but he was trying very cleverly to work in the fish restaurant again that you mentioned.

WR: It closed down years ago. It burned down.

NP: Now I know that it's burned down, he was deviating! Up until then I didn't know. So Wendy, you now have the subject of wimps and there are, uh, 18 seconds left starting now.

WR: I think wimps refers to some of the young men that there are today who seem to spend more time concerned with their own appearance rather than that of the young ladies whom they should be escorting out, i.e. some of these pop singers that you see that have makeup and...

WHISTLE

NP: So our guest, Wendy Richard, got another point for speaking as the whistle went. She's still in second place behind Derek Nimmo, but she's ahead of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. And Wendy, it's your turn to begin.

WR: Oh!

NP: Yes, you can begin on the subject of fudge. And there are 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

WR: Fudge is a rather wonderful substance. I have a very good recipe for a cake or biscuit made using this substance. You put a layer of the aforenamed... ingredient, first of all into your baking tin, followed by a layer of... shortcake, and then on top of that you put some chocolate. And you bake it all and it's absolutely wonderful! You cut it into little squares and it's very good to have with, with tea but not, not very beneficial to your teeth. And um... you can buy fudge in fingers covered with, um, the substance made from the cocoa bean... cuz you're letting me go on because you're not...

BUZZ

NP: The audience are clapping because Wendy has collapsed with hysterics.

WR: I have.

NP: Derek, you pressed your buzzer and your challenge is?

DN: Well, I, hesitation because she was rather fudging the issue and not keeping with the subject.

NP: But I think she did actually teeter to a halt there. In fact she, she, she sort of laughed herself to a halt. So Derek, you have another point and 12 seconds with fudge, starting now.

DN: I have a cousin who is in the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I agree with that one. Ten seconds on fudge with you, Clement, starting now.

CF: I have two cousins who make fudge. One of them chocolate and the other one coconut, which I don't like a lot because... any nutty substance...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

CRIES OF "YEAH" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I didn't hear it, actually, because there was so much noise...

WR: I did, I did.

DN: I did.

WR: I did, I did.

NP: But the audience obviously did because they're shouting that they want to hear from you. You've only got one second to talk on fudge starting now.

KW: Gelatinous and delicious, sweet and all of those...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth got some points in that round. He's still in fourth place. But it's Kenneth's turn to begin and the subject, milking a goat. Something I'm sure you've done, something I'm sure you've got a great personal experience of, knowing where you were originally brought up in Kings Cross, Kenneth. Will you tell us something about the subject starting now.

KW: You do it in the same way that you approach milking a cow. You take hold of the goat's teats, or udders as they're sometimes known in the rural communities, and that ekes out the milk. Now the milk of the goat...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Wendy Richard challenged.

WR: He said milk twice.

NP: No, he said milks before.

WR: I beg your pardon. Sorry, Kenneth.

KW: Thank you. Very good chairman, marvelous chairman.

NP: So Kenneth, you have the subject of milking a goat still with 47 seconds left starting now.

KW: Milking a goat is the only way in which you can get this delicious cheese which is made from the goat, you see. And people...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Made from the milk, actually.

NP: Yes, it is made from the milk of the goat. But honestly, if we have to be so pedantic, I mean...

KW: It's ridiculous. Yes, you're a very good chairman, you're very good.

NP: I mean, the milk originally came from the goat so that we do talk colloquially about selling some cheese from the goat, don't we?

KW: Of course we do. Exactly. Yes.

NP: It's the cheese you're talking about. So I think we'll be generous and let Kenneth continue with milking a goat with 31 seconds left starting now.

KW: In Greece it&'s very popular, and because of its crumbly texture the cheese is delightful with a salad, especially if it's accompanied by a few olives. I find...

BUZZ

NP: Um, Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He's no longer milking the goat. He's moved on to the manufacture of cheese and the enjoyment it consumed.

NP: Uh, yes, I'm afraid he has. I was, he finished from milking a goat right the way through. He's talking about the goat's cheese now, isn't he? He's really gone off the milking aspect.

KW: How could you get the cheese if you didn't milk the goat?

NP: But it was a long time ago you milked the goat to get the cheese! And we have to stay with the subject.

CF: And it takes some time for the cheese to mature.

NP: Yes. I, I, I have to try to be as fair as it is possible in...

KW: Well, you're not fair at all!

NP: At the beginning of this programme you said I was a marvelous chairman. Now I'm feeling like a load of rubbish.

KW: Well, you've altered. I saw it myself.

NP: I can't be generous anymore to you, Kenneth, I'm sorry. I've got to give another point to Derek Nimmo and there are 13 seconds on milking a goat with Derek, starting now.

DN: Milking the goat was often presumed to have taken place by the night john, not only in England but in various other countries where that particular bird was known as the goat sucker because it was believed that he used to crawl over the thumb or perhaps...

WHISTLE

NP: Well, as I said a little while ago, um that was going to be the last round and indeed it was, and we have the final result, which I know means so much to everybody listening. Out in the lead was the man with the most points that we judge to be this week's winner, Derek Nimmo! Well, it only remains for me to say on behalf of our lovely panelists and Ian Messiter, who devised the game, and our producer, Edward Taylor, and myself, Nicholas Parsons. I do hope you've enjoyed this particular programme and if you have, you'll want to tune in again next week when we take to the air and we play Just a Minute. Until then, from all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC