NOTE: Derek Nimmo's final appearance although clips of him are heard in the 40th anniversary special in 2007, Tony Slattery's final appearance, Ann Osborne's final appearance blowing the whistle.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure not only to welcome our many listeners but also the four exciting, individual and humorous talents who this week are going to pit their wits and display their verbal dexterity as they play Just A Minute. We welcome back the flamboyant and extrovert comedian and actor Tony Slattery, the stand-up comedian and all-round performer Stephen Frost, the actor and theatre producer Derek Nimmo, and the restauranter, politician, writer, racehorse owner, you name it, he's done it, Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them. And as usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Ann Osborne who's going to help me keep the score, she's going to hold her stopwatch and she'll blow her whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from St James Concert Hall in the delightful and lovely island of Guernsey. And we're going to begin the show this week, who better yes, Tony Slattery. Tony will you go on the subject of the gatecrasher starting now.

TONY SLATTERY: Well interesting enough for those listening at home, there are in fact in this Concert Hall 350 gatecrashers. Because none of... I'm so sorry!


NP: Clement Freud challenged almost immediately. Yes and we can recognise the hesitation Clement. You get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, it's the gatecrasher and there are 51 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Technically I suppose a gatecrasher is someone who goes to a party to which he or she has not been invited. My advice to one of those people should there be aaaaaaaaaaaaaa....


NP: Tony Slattery you got in again.

TS: It's a hesitation.

NP: Yes it was, you got back in again, you have 40 seconds to continue starting now.

TS: You just reminded me, one of the most literal pieces of gate crashing I ever did was on my first driving test. I happened to fail it because when the chap said "when I hit the dashboard you have to do an emergency stop" I put it into reverse and drove into someone's garden. This, and this is absolutely true, and I in fact failed the test. And what's more...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of test.

TS: Two tests.

NP: You were doing the test, yes. So a correct challenge from you Derek, you get a point of course for that, there are 22 seconds still available, the subject is the gatecrasher...

DN: If you're going to a society party which you're attempting to gatecrash, I would advise you to go dressed, if you're a man, as a Major in the Argyle and Southerland Highlanders. Nobody will ever question your apparel, you'll be welcomed in, sat down, given a glass of champagne, or maybe something even stronger, perhaps a whiskey and soda, if that's the kind of drink that you like. I did actually witness in Colombo last year...


NP: In this game whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo. Derek, it's nibbles. Tell us something about nibbles in this game starting now.

DN: I myself have never been a great nibbler. My wife in fact likes nibbles. And she has some strategically around the house. You go into one room, there'll be a bowl with some nuts within it. Perhaps another has crisps or even chips. And perhaps somewhere away...


NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

STEVE FROST: Two perhaps.

NP: There were two perhapses, yes...

DN: Absolutely right! Well done!

NP: You see the difficulty to keep going. Stephen, 44 seconds are available, you have a point for a correct challenge, nibbles is with you starting now.

SF: Last week my pet cat died. It was called Nibbles. And of course the whole family was very sad. It was my fault, I didn't think the microwave would kill it! But it was the only way to dry it after washing it. Nibbles was the family favourite. He used to come up to us while we were cooking and sit on the salad board and rub it's bottom up and down, making the food very unhealthy. But we loved that cat (starts to laugh)...


NP: Clement Freud challenged you after that disgusting remark you made. And you've er, Clement, what was your challenge?

CF: Repetition of ha.

NP: Of ha?

CF: Ha ha ha.

NP: I don't think that was a correct challenge Stephen, so you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you have 21 seconds available for you on nibbles starting now.

SF: Of couse we bought a new one and named it Nibbles Two...


NP: Clement has already challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Clement, 20 seconds are available for you on nibbles starting now.

CF: Nibbles are an excellent thing to take to parties if you are gatecrashing. Bring a bowl of nibbles and nobody will stop you at the door and say "have you been invited?" Chips, crisps, nuts, pretzels, whatever there is in the container with nibbles will give you free entry...


NP: Derek got in...

DN: Repetition of entry.

NP: Yes you did mention entry before. And you... oh there's two seconds left Derek, so nibbles, two seconds.

DN: I really love having my earlobe nibbled!


NP: Right at the end of that round Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went got the extra point, he's equal with Clement Freud in the lead. Stephen Frost and Tony Slattery follow in that order. And Stephen we'd like you to take the next round, bar code. Tell us something about it in this game starting now.

SF: Next time you go shopping at the supermarket take a black felt-tipped pen with you. And when you pick up the products you wish to purchase, put a line down the barcode and you'll find you get it much cheaper than originally priced. I've been doing this for years and getting away with it, mostly with my cat food for Nibbles, who I no longer have of course. But when I first bought that.... feline...


NP: Tony you challenged.

TS: A little hesitation there.

NP: Ah yes definitely, 39 seconds Tony, another point to you and bar code's with you starting now.

TS: If, like me and Nicholas, you frequent singles bars, I've often thought the best way to break the ice with strangers is to have a certain bar code. By which I mean you wear badges on which you put your favourite topic of conversation. For instance with the aforesaid chairman it would be alcuvulism. With me it might be gingham frocks. The point is that if you have a...


NP: Stephen Frost you challenged.

SF: Gingham frocks, deviation!

NP: So 15 seconds with you Stephen, bar codes, starting now.

SF: If you cut out the bar codes from all packets of cornflakes or any type of cereal in the supermarket and stack them end to end, you'll...


SF: End to end!

NP: Oh!

SF: How does this game work again? What do we have to do?

NP: Oh it's an impossible game, yes, so many phrases are repetitious. And Clement you got in first, you get a point for that of course and bar codes back with you, six seconds starting now.

CF: One of the most interesting things about bar codes is...


NP: Stephen...

SF: Deviation, bar codes aren't interesting!

NP: Well perhaps they are to Clement. I've got to be fair within the rules...

SF: They would be to Clement!

NP: Yes! So he's strictly speaking not deviating within the rules of Just A Minute so it's still with you Clement, three seconds, bar code starting now.

CF: When evening comes I never tire...


NP: Clement got that extra point at the end of the round, he's also taken the lead, and he begins the next round. Clement, the information highway, that is the subject, tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I'm not tremendously conversant with the information highway. But for the record, if you want to email me, the number is F-R-dot-point-slash-bar code-U-K-no comment. I have a typewriter which is not going to survive the millennium, because one of the ratchets has dropped off...


NP: Ah, a strange thing happened, Clement, you actually challenged yourself!

CF: Hesitation!

NP: Hesitation, yes. Thirty-three seconds starting now.

CF: If you drive up the motorway you will find all sorts of information on that highway. Turn left, no stopping, kill, R-A-C...


NP: Stephen Frost...

SF: Kill?

NP: Kill?

SF: Just kill?

NP: Speed kills.

SF: Can I get a car and shoot somebody?

CF: Just west of Dublin!

NP: Kill?

CF: Yep, it's a town!

NP: Oh ah...

SF: It's not, it's not on the motorway!

CF: On the highway.

SF: Oh all right. You're so clever Clement!

NP: He's so clever yes. You justified it Clement, right. Another point to you, 24 seconds, the information highway starting now.

CF: No information.


NP: Derek challenged first.

DN: Well he hasn't got any information, so...

NP: Yes. Twenty-three seconds, the information highway Derek starting now.

DN: I must say it has changed my life considerably because I put on plays in places like, say, Jakarta, and if I want to send a poster down the line, full of the design and colour, I use the information highway. And somehow or other, how it works I have no idea. Sitting on a desk in Indonesia, out it pops and they can then print the artwork from it. It is an absolute miracle, I can't...


NP: Derek was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. He's moved forward but he's still trailing our leader Clement Freud. Tony it's your turn to begin, the subject, the thousand and one nights. Tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

TS: Like the Song of Solomon, the Thousand and One Nights is a hymn to physical love. Uterpi and Agapai are the classical terms therein. In the Thousand and One Nights many positions are tried. And even when boredom sets in, Nicholas I'm looking at you here, the main thing is that invention, physical passion floods the scene! And everyone is alight with the joys of rubbing up against each other! I'm talking about Nibbles now, the cat! Yes anything goes! There are no rules in this world of a Thousand and One Nights. The Arabic term for a Thousand and One Nights is a Thousand and One Nights! That's because it is... oh... damn it!


NP: Tony, that's the longest anybody's gone for a while. We went for 46 seconds! Oh well, well done. But unfortunately you stumbled there, Clement Freud got in first, 14 seconds with you Clement, a thousand and one nights starting now.

CF: A thousand and one knights is a rather higher figure than you tend to get at investitures. Nevertheless you go to Buckingham Palace, having been summoned by Her Majesty, who appears with a sword which she claps upon your shoulder, saying "arise Sir 987...


NP: Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went, gained that all-important extra point, moving forward. And Derek we move to you now to begin the next round. The subject, daddy long-legs. Tell us something about it in this game starting now.

DN: Daddy Long Legs is a book written by Jean Webster in about 1903, I think. It is a very charming book about a little girl who is...


NP: Stephen Frost...

SF: Two abouts, about about.

NP: And book as well. Right Stephen you got in with 51 seconds available, daddy long-legs starting now.

SF: When I was at school, we used to catch them on the playing fields and pull their legs off, one by one. And make them spin around...


NP: You...

SF: What, what, what? What's the matter? What's the matter with you all? What, what, what?

NP: You're a great phraseology man, aren't you?

SF: Yeah!

NP: End to end, one one one, yes! Forty-five seconds, back with you is the subject of daddy long-legs Derek starting now.

DN: One of the governors of the school noticed this particular girl and thought that she would benefit from a better education. So she was sent away to a college in a different part of America. And then she was told to write a letter once a week to this man called Smith. It wasn't his real name, but she wasn't allowed to what, know what he was called, so she had to call him Daddy Long-legs and that she did. And many years later, many letters... many, many, many...


NP: Stephen Frost has challenged.

SF: Many!

NP: Many...

SF: Watch out, I'll do it in a minute and then you can have it back!

NP: You got in there Stephen, 23 seconds available, daddy long-legs starting now.

SF: The best thing to do with these insects if you catch them when they get on your nerves...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Repetition of catch.

NP: You talked about catching them before I'm afraid. Derek you got in first, 18 seconds, Daddy Long-legs starting now.

DN: The crane fly which is the official name, of the daddy long-legs...


NP; Right Stephen Frost, you've challenged, what is your challenge?

SF: There was a bit of a slur and a hesitation.

NP: Well I'm sure you're right, so take the subject...

SF: On one of the words!

NP: Fourteen seconds, daddy long-legs Stephen starting now.

SF: When they fly into an easterly wind, they get mesmerised by the noise passing over their antennae. This has been scientifically proved by the famous professor...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: They haven't got antennae!

SF: Oh well, a satellite dish then!

NP: Yes so sorry, deviation, correct challenge, four seconds with you Derek starting now.

DN: (shouting) Oh Daddy Long-legs...


DN: ...she said...

NP: Tony challenged...

DN: ... when she finally saw me coming down the lane...

NP: Wait a minute! You've been challenged by Tony Slattery.

TS: I'm sure, was there deviation from the English language, I couldn't understand the first word! He went oohhhhhhh!

NP: And deviation from Derek's normal delivery as well! So Tony you've got in with two seconds on daddy long-legs starting now.

TS: Pull their legs off and they can make really good false eyelashes...


NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud is still in the lead. And Stephen Frost it is your turn to begin, the subject, the human condition...

SF: Oh the human...

NP: This could be a subject really chosen for you, isn't it. Tell us something about the human condition in 60 seconds starting now.

SF: Well I was having a long discussion about the human condition with my friend Stephen Fry the other day. And he said to me "if you go on that programme Just A Minute, I'll tell you what to say: world, peace, war, what's it all about? Why do humans fight? Why do they make up and then start the argy-bargy again? This is part of the human condition." That's what he told me, and I've said it to you. I think we can all...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes, yes. Which one do you want?

CF: Repetition of what...

NP: I have to know because you might say something which he didn't repeat.

CF: Repetition of what Stephen Fry told him!

NP: That is a clever challenge. It gets you a bonus point but you didn't actually challenge him for some of the words he repeated. So Stephen you still keep the subject and you have 35 seconds to continue on the human condition starting now.

SF: In the great scheme of things when whatever God is looking down upon us, they must think why are these people doing what they do. And I can only reply I don't know either. And this is part of the human condition, not knowing why we're here...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of why.

SF: Yeah.

NP: There were a lot of whys there, yes. Derek, 19 seconds, the human condition starting now.

DN: Two weeks ago I was in Sri Lanka, and there had been a terrible battle on the Jaffaner Peninsula. And this is what I really mean about the human condition. How people can slaughter each other like that, 2000 young men were killed. Some Tigers from Tamil and the others were ordinary soldiers. And as I was going to the airport, leaving the country, to all...


NP: Well on that rather sad note Derek Nimmo brought that round to a close. Clement it's your turn to begin, the subject patois. Tell us something about that subject starting now.

CF: An interesting French nursery rhyme goes Patois patois enteme bouleounge, er...


NP: Tony challenged.

TS: I'm sorry, I think there was a little hesitation.

NP: Yeah there was a definite er. Right Tony, 52 seconds, patois, starting now.

TS: One of my favourite jokes about South African patois is (in South African accent) of course I've got a grudge, where would I put my car? (normal voice) That isn't of course the generally understood term when er you're talking about patois. For instance cockney patois often sounds a bit like the language I was talking about earlier. For instance (in cockney accent) hurry up with those fish and chips, I've got a train to catch. (normal voice) That's what people used to say (starts to laugh)...


NP: So the person laughing loudest at that last remark was Tony Slattery, the man who delivered it...

TS: I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

NP: What has, what has corpsed you?

TS: Oh...

NP: I thought you were going to go into your impersonations of the East Enders characters which you do so well.

TS: Oh thank you, I'll remember that for next time!

NP: Yes! Clement you got in first, 22 seconds, patois starting now.

CF: Pat-a-cake, patois, baker's man, make me a cake as quick as you can, is really what I was going to say on the subject of patois. It's also a means of...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Um hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, nine seconds, patois is with you um Derek starting...

DN: When I'm in south west France at the Dordogne, one of my favourite things to eat is patois de fragrois. It is absolutely delicious. On the other hand if you're traveling in the...


NP: Derek Nimmo got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went and our two most experienced players of the game, he and Clement Freud, are now equal in the lead. And Tony Slattery your turn to begin, and the subject here is tax haven. I can't imagine why that has come up in front of this particular audience but talk on the subject if you can starting now.

TS: Well of couse etymologically speaking the word haven is a simple linguistic constriction of the word heaven. So I imagine a tax haven is a place where tax inspectors and VAT men sit around on fluffy clouds with long white beards playing harps and saying lovely things to you like "you owe me no money at all. And here's a lovely little song". Another tax haven...


NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

SF: Two lovelys.

NP: There were two lovelys. Oh dear.

TS: Yes yes.

NP: So tax haven's with you Stephen Frost, 40 seconds starting now.

SF: The best place to keep your money without paying tax is under your bed. Because have you ever seen a queue outside a mattress? I think you'll find that that is the easiest...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Sorry, no, it was a great mistake! I thought he was going to pack up, but he's suddenly, came, talking again... I thought, he had an agonised, constipated look on his face and I thought he was going to stop, but he didn't and I apologise.

SF: That's quite all right.

DN: You get an extra point.

SF: Thank you very much Derek. That's the spirit the game should be played in!

NP: Thirty seconds Stephen on tax haven with you starting now.

SF: Of course none of us here need a tax haven because we don't get paid enough by the BBC for doing this...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I'm sorry but BBC is um...

NP: Oh yes, BBC!

CF: I take it back!

NP: Right, 26 seconds with you Clement tax haven starting now.

CF: I would like Tony to talk about East Enders a lot.

NP: Tony you've challenged.


NP: That was clever! You challenged and then pressed your buzzer! Um so tax haven's with you, back with you Tony and how many seconds? Twenty, starting now.

TS: Yes a little known fact is that the east end of London is one of the most popular tax havens. It's where they all talk like this. (in East Enders voice) I've got to get out of this bloody Square, it's doing my head in! Leave it, it's family!


NP: Tony... the audience started applauding because they saw you pick up your buzzer and buzz yourself there!

TS: I think it was deviation from the subject.

NP: Right Tony you challenged yourself, you got a correct challenge and you have eight seconds on tax haven starting now.

TS: Well Guernsey is a tax haven in the way that...


NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

SF: I'm going to go for hesitation there.

NP: Why?

SF: He said in and and er...

TS: Earhgh I think there was a bit of hesitation there.

NP: You're very generous! So Stephen, five seconds on tax havens starting now.

SF: One of the best places that's known as a tax haven in this whole wide world of course...


NP: Well for those interested in points Stephen Frost got a number in that round. He's moved forward. And in descending order with only one point separating them all it is Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Stephen Frost and Tony Slattery. So it's still very close. Derek, the next subject is buffer. We'd love you to take it and talk on it starting now.

DN: Sometimes a buffer state can be very useful to the country which actually is the buffer. For instance Thailand. It was never colonised or occupied because it stood between British Burma, India and Malaya on one side, and Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia which were French on the other. And that was greatly to their benefit. I myself are rapidly becoming a silly old buffer. Now it's not something that I contemplated some years ago when I started doing this programme. But I find myself, I still stand up and let ladies sit down...


NP: Stephen?

SF: Two myselfs there.

NP: Two myselfs yes.

DN: Yes.

NP: Yeah there was. So Stephen you're doing well, right you got in there, 30 seconds on buffer starting now.

SF: At the end of the railway line you normally get two big buffers to stop the train going out of the station where it shouldn't, because that's the terminal you see, where they stop to let the passengers off. And if the buffer wasn't there, there would be an almighty accident which we wouldn't want, would we? So the buffer is in place to keep the train on the tracks, on the rails, on...on, on, on, on, on!


NP: Stephen you may struggle, but they love the way you do it! And er Derek got in first, four seconds, buffer with you Derek starting now.

DN: An old moustache, a well worn...


NP: Clement challenged you.

CF: We've had old before.

NP: You've mentioned old, you said about you're an old buffer before and now you said old moustache.

DN: I know!

NP: So Clement you got in with one second on buffer starting now.

CF: A wedding buffer is where...


NP: Clement has now taken the lead just ahead of Derek Nimmo and Stephen Frost and then comes Tony Slattery. And Stephen your turn to begin, the subject, a trip to the dentist. Tell us something about that painful experience for so many of us starting now.

SF: The last time I made a trip to the dentist, he said to me "sit down and open wide, no, your mouth!" It got off on the wrong foot but at least we got to know each other! Rinse this out and I'll have a look. And he found right at the back of my mouth an ingrown... what do they call them?


SF: Toenail?

NP: Tony you challenged.

TS: I think it was hesitation.

NP: I think it was hesitation. Yes, 38 seconds, tell us about a trip to the dentist starting now.

TS: Coincidentally instead of dental floss, to pick bits out between my teeth, I use Stephen's ingrowing toenails. They're very useful. Funnily enough this is true. The last time I went to the dentist I had an accident in that I had one of my wisdom teeth taken out and the dentist actually severed the lingual nerve which means half of my tongue is numb. And I keep biting it and my mouth keeps filling with blood! That's a nice little jolly tale isn't it! I just thought I'd share it with you! The anesthetic they use at the dentist is something called lidocaine which is not the same as the illegal drug cocaine, which of course is a controlled substance. No the aforesaid pharmaceutical...


NP: Tony Slattery showing off his university education with all that stuff about drugs and... I didn't mean it like that actually! Oohh I think I see the time, this could be, I think it will be, actually the last round. So it's still neck and neck for those interested in scores. Clement it's your turn to begin and the subject is showmanship. Tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I think a very good instance of showmanship is someone who's asked to speak for one minute on a trip to the dentist without hesitation, deviation or repetition, and does it as well as the gentleman sitting on my right, whose name, and I'm spinning this out a bit because I have to go on for nearly a minute, is...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of minute.

NP: You mentioned minute before, I'm sorry Clement. So Derek you've got in there, 39 seconds available, showmanship starting now.

DN: What the English theatre needs to are more showmen. There's not enough showmanship. Now I once did a band...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Yes, grammatical deviation.

NP: Oh what was the, the...

CF: Um, what the English theatre need.

DN: What the English theatre really needs, I said.

NP: I think you said need.

CF: Yes he did.

NP: But it doesn't really matter. I think it was sort of colloquial. We all knew what he meant.

CF: Oh is this a new rule now?

NP: I'll tell you what I'll do. Listen, I haven't done this for a long time, but...

CF: Oh no!

NP: ...I will put it to the superior wisdom and judgment of this delightful audience here in St James' Concert Hall.

DN: Oh boring, go over it all again!

NP: If you agree with Clement's challenge you cheer for him and if you disagree you boo against him and you all do it together now.


NP: Clement, they're with you! They obviously noticed the grammatical error on Derek's part. So 21 seconds available with you Clement on showmanship starting now.

CF: There is no business like showmanship biz, a song that I have sung in many theatres all over the world, especially in Thailand but also in Cambodia and Vietnam, Exeter, Plymouth, Lowestoft...


NP: Tony Slattery challenged.

TS: Er...

NP: Deviation...

TS: Hesitation I think. And hesitation...

NP: Yes...

TS: Deviation.

NP: I don't think for a minute he's stood up in theatres in Cambodia and Thailand singing you know, there's no business like showmanship! Tony got in with two seconds to go, the end of the last round, showmanship, give us a bit of it Tony starting now.

TS: The hymn of showmanship is everything's coming up roses...


NP: Right, thank you for your applause! As I said a moment ago this was to be the last round and indeed it is! So let me give you the final situation. Stephen Frost and Tony Slattery who've not played the game quite as often as the other two, but they are so good at it, they finished equal in third place, very apt. But only two points behind Derek Nimmo, and the equal number of times playing the game is Clement Freud, this time Clement Freud has just won by two points. You are the winner this week Clement! So it only remains for me to say thank you to our four delightful players of the game, Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Stephen Frost and Tony Slattery. And I thank Ann Osborne for keeping the score for me and blowing her whistle so magnificently and with such style. We also thank the man who created this game, Ian Messiter. And also our producer Chris Neill, who produces and directs the show with such efficiency. And to all our listeners who have tuned in, we hope you will once more enjoy Just A Minute. Until then from all of us, goodbye!