JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,DCoffey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and DENISE COFFEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 March 1970)

NOTE: Denise Coffey's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Denise Coffey in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we welcome for the first time Denise Coffey to speak up for the ladies against these three experienced male exponents of the game. Once again Iím going to ask them all to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. If one of the others thinks theyíre guilty of doing this, they may challenge. If I agree with the challenge or otherwise they will gain points. Otherwise according to which way the decision goes. Derek Nimmo weíd like you to begin the first round. The subject is breaking a code, can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Itís very curious that you should ask me about breaking codes because it is in fact one of the few things that Iím really qualified to talk about. Because I spent the whole of my military service in the intelligence corps. Now the trouble with this really is that Iím bound by the Official Secrecy Act and as I was in MI8. And although I know absolutely everything about breaking codes, I donít know whether I should really be allowed to talk about it. Now would you like to put this to the audience?

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why deviation Clement?

CF: Would you like to put this to the audience is entire...

NP: has got nothing to do with...

CF: ...ly devious to the point of breaking a code.

NP: It is entirely devious to breaking a code. Yes I was trying to think of a devious way of saying according to this game it wasnít devious because we do put it to the audience sometimes. All right Clement Freud I do agree and there are 34 seconds left for breaking a code starting now.

CF: I once had a terribly bad cold and I tried to break myself of it...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Weíre not discussing bad colds, weíre discussing codes so heís deviating.

NP: Yes, unless there is something very wrong with my diction and Iím not going to be allowed, to be accused of that Clement, I did say breaking a code...

CF: So did I!

DN: So did he!

KW: No you didnít!

CF: I once had a very bad code and I tried to break myself of it! Itís exactly what I said!

NP: Well then obviously youíre not such a good actor as I thought because I didnít get the (speaks as if has blocked nose) cold down the nose! So all right, I see what you mean now, you had to explain it to me. Therefore I disagree with Kennethís challenge and you gain a point Clement, another point, Clement Freud, and you keep the subject, 29 seconds for breaking a code starting now.

CF: It was set by a man who transposed every fourth letter of the alphabet, putting in its place an asterisk or a dash. And this was an impossible thing to solve until one afternoon, walking down Regent Street at dusk there was...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes I agree. He got down Regent Street at dusk and he paused. So there we are, there are 12 seconds left for you, Derek, breaking a code starting now.

DN: Well I used to break my code in a particular Mediterranean island. And I was there in a small hut along with several other people. And we used to listen to Morse code. And I used to get...

BUZZ

NP: Denise why have you challenged?

DENISE COFFEY: Oh ah um...

NP: You just want to say something?

DC: No I , what I want to say is repetition of the word code.

NP: Yes yes the actual subject is breaking a code and he used the word code not in the context...

DC: Not once but twice!

NP: ... not in the context of the subject. So Denise has a point, her first point, and there are three seconds left Denise to continue with the subject of breaking a code starting now.

DC: My very favourite form of code is the anagram which is used widely...

WHISTLE

NP: When the whistle goes it tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that point gains an extra point. On this occasion it was the newcomer to the show Denise Coffey who now has the lead alongside Clement Freud. They both have two, Derek has one and Kenneth is yet to score but we know heís probably got great things in store for us. Clement the subject for you to start the next round is the dodo. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The dodo is as old as itself. Or put it another way when something is particularly ancient, unspirited...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree Derek. So you take over the subject and gaining another point, 47 seconds for the dodo starting now.

DN: A particularly fine bird, rather like a pelican really. That used to be found in Mauritius but is now extinct because it was shot to death unfortunately. Though you can see...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, it was never established that the dodo was shot to death.

NP: No, I believe it was hunted to death by the pigs which were imported by the British at another time...

KW: I have other information!

NP: So Kenneth I agree with your challenge, you gain a point and there are 40 seconds left for the dodo starting now.

KW: I was reliably informed that it flew in ever decreasing circles and eventually vanished in its own vacuum! But that is probably a matter of hearsay. Then of course we have to realise that much of our knowledge is based on hearsay...

BUZZ

NP: Denise Coffey, you challenged.

DC: Er...

NP: Repetition of hearsay. I quite agree Denise...

DC: I do think...

NP: So you get another point and there are 21 seconds left for the dodo, Denise, starting now.

DC: I was told that this was in fact a wingless bird which led to its immediate distinction because it could not fly and felt embarrassed and inferior in company with others of the feathered flock which surrounded it and constantly pecked at it. It was completely defenceless and therefore fell down full of dreadful holes with blood spurting from every gushing gash...

WHISTLE

NP: Once again our newcomer Denise with her spurting gushing spouts of knowledge er was speaking as the whistle went. She gains another point and has a lead over all the others at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round for us, the subject is being made up for a film. Can you talk about that, Iím sure you can very easily, 60 seconds will do starting now.

KW: It usually takes place very early in the morning and one is certainly not in the mood for cosmetics. But that is what is applied to oneís face. And they lay you out on this slab...

BUZZ

KW: I use the term...

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged you, Iím afraid! Why have you challenged?

DN: They donít lay you out on a slab!

KW: The last film I did, I was done all over with this wet white! So I had to be on a slab! So shut your row!

NP: Kenneth Iím completely on your side! You donít need to defend yourself with such gusto as that. Because youíve got another point and there are 42 seconds for being made up for a film starting now.

KW: Firstly they use a foundation cream which evidently makes the skin (starts to slowly mumble) nicely pliable and usually helps makeup being...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Well as I couldnít hear what he was talking about, I donít know! I donít know whether he hesitated, Iím going to, I couldnít hear. You can hear, Iíll let you judge because I donít know. Weíll let the audience judge. If you think Kenneth was hesitating, cheer. If you think he wasnít hesitating boo. And all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre cheering so they thought you were hesitating. So Clement gets a point and he takes over the subject with 29 seconds for being made up for a film starting now.

CF: For me this is an experience which is getting longer and more tedious. Because as my hair is receding...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation I agree Kenneth. You have 23 seconds left for being made up for a film starting now.

KW: And then this girl gets this brush to make my eyes blue. And she often said to me "this makeupís really quite unnecessary because your eyes are like...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of eyes.

NP: Yes weíve had too much of your eyes Iím afraid, twice.

DC: Oh!

KW: Just done yourself out of a very interesting anecdote!


NP: Itís a lovely way of getting out of it, isnít it Kenneth. But Derek gets a point and there are eight seconds left for being made up for a film Derek starting now.

DN: Well unlike Kenneth Williams Iím only made up from the neck up. When I sit down in my chair, they put a lovely thing round my neck. And there I sit there with brown put all over me and my hair is curled...

WHISTLE

NP: I thought there was a very clever bit of gamesmanship from a very experienced player then! Derek you have gone into the lead alongside Denise and Clement at the end of that round. And Kenneth is only a point behind so itís still anybodyís game. Denise Coffey will you begin the next round. Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Can you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

DC: The eponymous heroes of this topic which has just been mentioned are two fictional characters, both kinights of the realm, who were invented by Eric Dodson, who was otherwise known as Lewis Carroll...

BUZZ

NP: Clement... Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Not true, they werenít invented by him.

DC: Oh? I thought they were.

DN: Tweedledum and Tweedledee are words that have been in the English language for many many years.

NP: Yes Iím afraid they were, they werenít actually invented...

DC: Oh Clever Clogs!

KW: He is a Clever Clogs!

DC: Oh yes!

KW: Oh Mr Sharp, straight out of the knife box, that one! I can tell you!

NP: But it is a very definite challenge which is accurate so Derek gets a point and he takes over the subject with 48 seconds left for Tweedledum and Tweedledee starting now.

DN: Some say that campared with Bonacini...

BUZZ

NP: Kenenth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, thereís no such word as campared. Unless itís a form of compering you happen to specialise in!

NP: Yes!

KW: It wouldnít surprise me!

NP: Yes well! Donít talk yourself out of points!

KW: Mmmmmm! He covers the multitude, he does!

NP: Kenneth donít talk yourself out of a point!

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: No! Iíll give you a point for that because he meant compared, and I agree that was deviation. So there are 44 and a half seconds left for Tweedldum and Tweedledee Kenneth starting now.

KW: They are the names given to two mythical characters who consist largely of a load of old codswallop. And that is all I really have to say on the subject...

BUZZ

NP: So Clement Freud challenged you.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No he did not actually hesitate...

CF: If thatís all he has to say on the subject...

KW: Ah but I didnít stop there!

NP: But the thing is Clement...

KW: I could have gone on to say but I will digress here...

NP: Yes...

KW: You fell right into it, you did, didnít you!

NP: At that particular point...

KW: He just fell...

NP: Oh quiet Kenneth! Please! He hadnít at that point deviated, ah, hesitated so he gets another point, much to his surprise Iím sure, 32 seconds for Tweedledum and Tweedledee, Kenneth starting now.

KW: Many people find such a disgusting...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, heís already said that that was all he was going to say about it!

NP: But, but he had not yet established in his sentence what else he was going to say. So Iím still with Kenneth who has another point and 30 seconds left for Tweedledum and Tweedledee starting now.

KW: Existing largely in the realm of the imagination, there is very little sort of validity which any challenge can properly contain that could be said to dismiss...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged.

DN: Heís not talking about Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

NP: No I think heís gone right off it! I donít know where youíve gone but itís not Tweedledum and Tweedledee in my mind. So Derek Nimmo gets a point and there are 18 seconds left for Tweedledum and Tweedledee starting now.

DN: That handle was a nanny. And others averred that the afore-mentioned gentleman couldnít hold a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth has buzzed you.

KW: This has nothing to do with Tweedledum and Tweedledee either!

NP: Has it Derek?

DN: Yes it does!

NP: Go on, quickly justify it.

DN: And as there is no difference between them to see, theyíre as alike as Tweedledum and Tweedledee. Itís a poem by John Bowen actually.

NP: It is actually, I thought he was going on to that. So Derek gets a point and there are 12 seconds left for Tweedledum and Tweedledee Derek starting now.

DN: Well they are of course people who are absolutely similar or kinds of things that show no difference between them. Itís something that has been used throughout the English literary world for many years. You can look at it and find these words mentioned throughout the work...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Derek was speaking then as the whistle went he gains an extra point. Derek the subject is now with you... by the way you have a lead of two at the end of that round over Kenneth whoís in second place now. And the subject is gorillas, Derek, and er I couldnít think of a less apt one for you but Ianís thought of it anyway. And will you begin now.

DN: Well curiously enough I was a gorilla. I mean actually I played one. And I had to wear this awful gorilla skin and climb up to the top of a great big thing in Battersea Pleasure Gardens. You know the big dipper thing and I had to run down chasing a very small dwarf! And it was very perilous and awfully nasty and I didnít enjoy it at all. And after a while questions were asked about me in the House of Commons because people stood up and said (gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes. Once the questions came up in the House, there was definitely... So there we are! Clement you gain a point and the subject, 33 seconds left, gorillas starting now.

CF: I was never myself a gorilla but I have...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, he is!

NP: Iíve never given bonus points for funniness, but thatís about all I can do. I think all I can say is a very funny line, no points awarded. But Clement keeps the subject, 30 seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: But often I see these animals at the zoo. And they do smell quite appalling. Itís an astonishing thing because Iím fond of animals, and I like going to the Zoological Gardens in Whipsnay as well as those in Regents Park. And when I go to the monkey houses, the ape huts and even the chimpanzee cages, the astonishing odour...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Repetition, he did say astonishing before.

NP: No he said the amazing smell. Nine seconds left for you Clement still on gorillas starting now.

CF: The name is also given to patriots who fight men who come into their...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: It isnít!

NP: Well you see we go by the sound and people...

KW: Well you canít make guerrilla sound like gorilla.

NP: Well Iím afraid you see...

CF: Well you just did!

KW: Donít laugh, youíre just helping him!

NP: Actually if youíre pronouncing carefully you should talk about a gorilla instead of a guerrilla...

KW: Precisely! Thank you! Youíve done it! Youíve answered it then! They donít sound the same! Do they dear!

NP: But Iím afraid people being very colloquial in their speech especially in this country...

KW: Weíre not concerned with people or their colloquialism, weíre concerned with whatís correct.

NP: And we are also concerned in this game with how a thing sounds to the air and most people, they talk of...

KW: Well I donít like the way things are going! I donít like it! It seems to me youíre giving all the judgments his way! He always wins!

NP: You always...

KW: Every week itís the same! Iím fed up with it!

NP: You always forget when I give the judgements your way! Oh shut up! Letís get on with the game! The subject is gorillas, itís the way you hear it spoken. There are six seconds left for Clement Freud to continue starting now.

CF: In the African forest there are notices posted up on...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: There are no notices posted in the African forest posted up! Itís all lies!

NP: There are notices...

KW: Itís a load of lies! I should have the subject back!

NP: There are notices! We would all like you to have the subject back but there are notices in the African forest in places. So Clement gets another point and thereís three seconds left for gorillas starting now.

CF: In India, Pakistan and Siam youíre very unlikely...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth you tried very hard, Iím sorry you didnít win any points. But all that happened is that Clement gets a number of points in that round and he has sneaked his way into the lead from third place into first. Madison Avenue is the next subject and Clement Freud itís your turn to begin. Will you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: This is a thoroughfare in New York going from east to west, unlike streets which go from north to south, which is why the city of... the first...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was a hesitation. I think he was working out whether he was accurate in saying east to west and north to south. Anyway there are 50 seconds for you to talk about Madison Avenue Kenneth starting now.

KW: The Madison Avenue I am most familiar with is of course in Birmingham. And when I played it with a marvelous production I might add, of Peter Pan. I donít wish to sound as though Iím pushing myself. But I was superb as Sulphie, a wonderful character, and I may say...

BUZZ

NP: Denise Coffey has challenged. Why, Denise?

DC: Iím afraid weíve left Madison Avenue, er... deviation...

NP: Well heís established how ever imaginary it may be, that he was in Madison Avenue...

DC: Oh all right!

NP: ... in Birmingham giving this strange but superb performance, he thinks was out of this world. So Kenneth gets another point and he continues for 29 seconds on Madison Avenue starting now.

KW: And at Number 10 in that road there lived...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, itís an avenue.

NP: Oh yes thatís a very clever challenge. Oh wait a minute, wait a minute...

KW: Of course thatís rubbish! Watling Street was a road!

NP: No, no, no, yes they are basically roads...

KW: Of course they are!

NP: Quiet! Kenneth!

KW: Donít say quiet! Heís always picking on me!

NP: You always... well you just said in this particular round how absolutely marvelous and gentle and composed you were. Clement Freud will get a bonus point for cleverness on that....

KW: Oooooh!

NP: But you keep the subject because you werenít actually deviating from it, Madison Avenue, Kenneth starting now.

KW: The residence there that I was most familiar with belonged of couse to Maudie Fittleworth-fun-with-a-frankfurter! Oh the times that we had in her presence and the gaiety, the elastic, birds came out the chimney...

BUZZ

KW: ...oh the laughter...

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Well weíre always having Maudie Fittleworth with her frankfurter! Do we want this woman and her frankfurter shoved down our throats all the time! We donít want to hear about her...

KW: Youíve only heard about her...

NP: On my right, in the blue corner Derek Nimmo! And on my left in the red corner Kenneth Williams! And I say there was no contest there! Well we enjoyed that little battle, it didnít actually, listeners, get to actual fisticuffs! You know to grips with it! But we did have quite an argument about Maudie Fittleworth and her frankfurters. But Iím afraid according to the rules of the game, Kennethís entitled to bring in pretty well anything if he can. Heís brought her into Madison Avenue somehow or other. So he gets another point and he continues for 12 seconds, Madison Avenue starting now.

KW: At the other end of it was a pillar box, into which I was wont to post my evening mail. Little missives which I sent... whatís the matter with her?

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Whatís the matter with her has got nothing to do with Madison Avenue.

DC: Oh no, solicitude! And my name is Coffey after all!

NP: Well actually you know, to be utterly fair Kenneth that is quite true, you see. You should keep going. So I agree with Clement Freud. By the way listeners Denise Coffey was having a cough and thatís what made Kenneth say the remark. But Clement Freudís challenge was correct so he gets a point. And thereís only one second left Clement for Madison Avenue starting now.

CF: The American advertising industry...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth you see it does pay to keep going. Another two seconds, you would have had an extra point.

DC: What a shame! What gallantry!

NP: All that happens is that Clement has extended his lead at the end of that round. Denise Coffey will you begin the next round, tranquillity. Can you speak about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DC: Tranquillity was an obscure Irish philosopher whose works have mainly been lost to us because he wrote mainly for illiterates. And therefore all his books were contained only blank pages...

BUZZ

NP: Denise Coffey youíve challenged yourself!

DC: I hesitated, Iím sorry!

NP: So having very, having very cleverly gained some breath and some more thought for the subject, itís a very clever way of playing the game...

DC: Give me back my buzzer!

DN: Iíve taken her buzzer away from her!

DC: Please give me it! I like it!

NP: So Denise I have to tell you havenít gained any points but just time and there are 47 seconds left...

DN: She should get a bonus point!

NP: No I think...

CF: For a clever challenge yes.

DN: A clever challenge!

NP: A clever challenge! All right, a bonus point for a clever challenge! Forty-seven seconds left for tranquillity Denise starting now.

DC: To be serious for a moment tranquillity is an atmosphere of peace and calmness which has been notably not prevailing in this studio, and I donít wish to part...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation! That is a definite accusation!

NP: And itís absolutely true!

DC: Hear hear!

NP: Denise Coffey has another point there, has another point and there are 38 seconds left for tranquillity Denise starting now.

DC: What could be more peaceful than a summer evening by the bosom of the sea...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Derek Nimmo could be more peaceful than a summerís evening, for instance.

NP: He could be but she has not deviated from the subject of tranquillity. So Denise gets another point and there are 35 seconds left starting now.

DC: Wordsworth once described poetry as emotion recollected in this very particular mood of which Iím speaking. And how true that is! Donít you find when you write particular...

BUZZ

NP: Derek...

DC: Bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh!

NP: ...Nimmo has challenged. You ungallant thing!

DC: Oh I turned myself off there!

NP: But I have to play the game correctly so Derek takes a point and there are 24 seconds left for tranquility Derek starting now.

DN: The most tranquil person that I ever met was of course Gertie Guttleforth and-her-hot-dogs! She lived in Madison Avenue in Birmingham, standing there in the most extraordinary calm way! And I used to pass her on Friday evenings after going to see him in Peter Pan. And there sheíd be there, all calm, serene...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of calm.

NP: Yes you did say calm before, Iím afraid Derek...

DN: Ohhhhhh!

NP: Clement listening very well gets another point and five seconds left for tranquillity Clement starting now.

CF: On a calm night in Lowestoft when the moon is low and the streets are awash...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was speaking then when the whistle went so he gains that extra point and increases his lead just a little over Kenneth Williams whoís still in second place. And um we continue with Derek Nimmo and the subject is faux pas. Can you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: One of the worst faux pas I ever met was occurred quite recently actually, when I went to a public house near this very theatre with Mr Clement Freud one night after this show. A man came up to the bearded one and said "I think weíve not seen each other for a long time", slapped him on his old back, and wandered off again. Freud said "Iíve never seen the man in my life!" Well soon after that I said to him "you know the most extraordinary thing happened to me the other day. I was sitting in the BBC restaurant, and this incredible woman came over, kissed me full on the mouth and said all sorts of things that I didnít understand. And then she wandered away again! Quite extraordinary!" And Freud said...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged.

KW: Repetition of wandered away! The man wandered away, the woman wandered away.

NP: Yes!

KW: Everyoneís wandering away from them!

NP: Rather a lot of wandering...

KW: Itís as if someoneís got BO or something!

NP: Anyway Kenneth your intelligent listening has gained you a point and the subject with 24 seconds left starting now.

KW: The faux pas which I once made was appalling. Because at this dinner party I said "how dreadful for someone very young to marry someone really old!" And the dinner party was being given by a man of 60...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

KW: And the manís wife...

DN: Repetition of dinner party.

KW: ...was only 16.

NP: Repetition of dinner party...

KW: Unfortunately!

NP: So um Derek you get a point and the subject and there are six seconds left for faux pas starting now.

DN: The afore-mentioned fellow said "that was no woman, that was my wife", and in fact it was Clement Freudís wife...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Derek was speaking then as the whistle went he gains that extra point. And alas it is Iím afraid the end of this particular edition of Just A Minute. We have no more time left, so it remains for me to give you the score. In fourth place was Denise Coffey. She got a lot of points but for the first time here I think she did remarkably well. Congratulations Denise! In second place was Derek Nimmo alongside Kenneth Williams. They are both equal in second place, two points behind Clement Freud who once again is this weekís winner! We do hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute as much as we've enjoyed playing it for you. Until we all meet again goodbye from us all here! Goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.