JAM:CFreud,THawks,SPerkins,JHardy
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS, SUE PERKINS and JEREMY HARDY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 August 2000)

NOTE: Jeremy Hardy's last appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world and also to welcome the four exciting, individual and aggressive players of the game who have joined me this week. We welcome back the irrepressible Tony Hawks, the irreplaceable Clement Freud, the irredeemable Jeremy Hardy and the irresistible Sue Perkins. Will you please welcome all four of them! And as usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst whoís going to help me keep the score, and she will blow her whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Dorking Hall in Dorking. And we have a truly hyped up Dorking audience in front of us. In other words weíre in the county of Surrey and weíre delighted to be here. As we start the show with Clement Freud, and Clement the subject is positive thinking. Can you talk on that subject in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Confucius was a great one for positive thinking. He wrote "it is a mark of insincerity of purpose to seek an Emperor in a low down tea shop". And I would like to add to that that the Liberal Democrats will win the next Government! Just A Minute will run forever! The British Broadcasting...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TONY HAWKS: What do you have to enter to win a Government?

CF: An election.

NP: I think itís being a little bit nitpicky on that one...

TH: I withdraw that remark.

NP: I think we knew what Clement meant and I will give Clement the benefit of the doubt on this occasion...

CF: And a mark!

NP: And I might have cause to return to. Right! So Clement we call that an incorrect challenge so you get a point for that...

TH: Iím so embarrassed! Iím so sorry!

NP: Donít be embarrassed, others will be later on! You have 39 seconds, you keep the subject, positive thinking, starting now.

CF: Positive thinking is of course the opposite of negative thinking. Thoughts such as Conservatives might easily get a majority the next time the Gov... country...

BUZZ

CF: Sorry!

NP: Sue Perkins you challenged, yes Sue?

SUE PERKINS: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was hesitation Sue. So you now have a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject which is positive thinking and there are 27 seconds available starting now.

SP: When my optician informed me that I was short-sighted, I became very depressed. And he advised me I might want to take up a course in what he described as positive thinking. This involved me removing my spectacles, standing in front of the mirror and saying "I love myself". Unfortunately because Iíd removed my glasses, I couldnít actually see my own face! And therefore it was actually easier than normal to find myself endearing. The things I like...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Tony you did actually challenge before the whistle went.

TH: I canít go through with it!

NP: There are rules, you can, you can er withdraw, you can...

TH: Iím withdrawing! Iíve heard it!

NP: Because Iím sure you were going to have her for hesitation, and she did hesitate.

TH: Yeah but I didnít realise it was so near the end of the thing.

NP: Well as Sue has only played the game once before, I think weíll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that heís going to withdraw his challenge. So you were technically speaking as the whistle went Sue in which case you gain that extra point fort doing so and at the end of that round youíve taken the lead. And you begin the next round Sue, and the subject is bath time. Oh what a lovely subject! Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

SP: In a very famous bath time incident, the Greek thinker Archimedes leapt from the soapy suds crying "Ulrica!" Not many know that the Swedish blond haired meteorologist is such an inspiration and muse to the thinkers of the early age. But indeed the play "My Dear" was written about Anne Diamond, an embittered woman, and a host of GMTV presenters, Eamon Holmes, Fiona Phillips from the core of The Furies in Onastya. In my own bath tub, I like to talk to Barry Norman, formerly of the BBC but now languishing with Sky for a great deal more money than I will ever earn! I talk to him about my feature length film which is a post feminist reworking of the Bible, featuring Kevin Costner as Lot, turned into a pillar of salt, but still managing to pump out 10 films a year for a total of $40 million. Other things I contemplate in my bath tub...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sue Perkins started with the subject, and finished with the subject and went for the full 60 seconds and that hasnít happened for a very long time! And for someone whoís only just started playing the game that was very very applaud... and the audience showed their appreciation by the way they clapped. And you have increased your lead because you have not only gained a point for speaking as the whistle went but you get a bonus point for going without being interruption for 60 seconds. Jeremy Hardy, would you take the next subject, it is bringing home the bacon. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

JEREMY HARDY: If you bring home the bacon, it means that you are the bread winner. Now by that, I donít intend to say you have won some of that yeast based food, in the sense of an enevelope appearing through your door saying "congratulations, you may be the winner of a sliced wholemeal". What Iím saying is you have brought home the income upon which your family will live. It may not be the sole person doing this but in a sense you have brought home that bacon. The Roman Army were paid not in money or salt, but in fact bacon. This is something that very few people realise because in those days they didnít have currency, because you simply could buy with money in the way that you can with rashers! Another thing that you can do with bacon is skin grafts. You thought pigs could only be used for their organs...

WHISTLE

NP: So Jeremy Hardy started with the subject, completed it, went for the full 60 seconds without being interrupted, without hesitating, repeating himself or deviating. So he gets a point fro speaking as the whistle went and the bonus point for not being interrupted. That has never happened in Just A Minute before, two consecutive rounds for the full 60 seconds. We are making history today! And you good people of Dorking can now go home and say I was there! I was there when it happened!

TH: Am I next Nicholas?

NP: Yes youíre next.

TH: No pressure then!

NP: Your turn to begin, Tony, jumping to conclusions. Try and see if you can go on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

TH: Iím always jumping to the conclusions. Not long ago I saw Nicholas Parsons outside a theatre dressed in a leather skirt with fishnet stockings, wearing makeup. And I assumed he had just left the stage of the Rocky Horror Show where he had been appearing. But no, in fact, it was just a Friday night and he was out at one of his clubs! But at school, we used to have a little club called the Jumping To Conclusions Gang. Ah one person would come to a conclusion and the rest would jump around shortly afterwards! This is tremendous fun. Ah we used to do it throughout break and sometimes into the lunch hour as well, depending on whether anyone had actually reached a conclusion or not. The Conclusions were a band I formed in the 16th year of my life and we were particularly good. I played a little bit of bass, some other instruments but now it looks like Iím going to do it as well...

WHISTLE

NP: My goodness me! Oh the record books are being thrown out of the window! Weíve gone not for two but now for three rounds.

TH: Trouble is the showís going to be 15 minutes long!

NP: But anyway Tony Hawks went for the full 60 seconds, heís got two points. Clement Freud, youíre on to something now arenít you! Three complete rounds! Youíve been doing this for a number of years. Letís see if you can create another record! The subject is ballyhoo. So ballyhoo is the subject Clement, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: Ballyhoo is an Irish seaside resort, quite near Ballymena, Ballykinla, Ballylahinch and Ballymatton. I spent many years in the cafe having eggs and bacon and sausage and tomato, which in Ireland is...

BUZZ

NP: Oh someoneís challenged. Yes Tony?

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

TH: You donít even know what Iím going to say yet! It doesnít take many years to eat eggs, sausage, bacon and tomato!

NP: So whatís your challenge?

TH: He said he spent many years eating eggs, sausage, bacon and tomato! Heís got to eat quicker!

NP: Tony itís a lovely idea and weíll give you a bonus point because the audience enjoyed the challenge...

TH: Well they might not want it, the booers!

NP: But I did think he conveyed the fact that he spent many years going back there and enjoying that particular breakfast. So Clement I think that was an incorrect challenge, you have a point for that...

CF: I think it was a rather good challenge! I think he should have it!

NP: Tony, Clement is being very generous as he is often in this show and Ballyhoo is with you, 41 seconds available starting now.

TH: There is quite a ballyhoo in my household every time itís bath time. Tantrums, tears, shouting which is embarrssing really because I live alone! I agree with Clement that Ballyhoo is a small Irish village which...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement challenged.

CF: Itís not!

NP: so it was a fiction you created before. Right Clement, a correct challenge, 22 seconds starting now.

CF: Ballyhoo is a fuss you make, especially if you go to a small Irish village, and you donít go to a cafe...

BUZZ

NP: Tony you challenged.

TH: Repetition of Irish village.

CF: Quite.

NP: Thatís right, yes, you mentioned the Irish village before. So well listened Tony you have a correct challenge...

TH: What have I done to upset you in Dorking?

NP: Theyíre living every minute of it! And you have 13 seconds to tell us something about Ballyhoo Tony starting now.

TH: Ballyhoo is the kind of fuss that is caused in an audience in Dorking when someone makes a challenge that they are not fully in agreement with, even if they had not yet heard the challenge! They still get out there, they are so aggressive, but I admire them for that...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Hawks with points in that round, including one for speaking as the whistle went has moved forward. Heís one point ahead of Sue Perkins who is in second place and then Clement Freud and Jeremy Hardy follow. And Sue Perkins your turn to become and the subject is high summer. Tell us something about high summer in this game starting now.

SP: High summer, or the monsoon season as itís called here in England, generally begins in May and extends through to September. During this time there is an influx of European visitors, mainly French, dressed in brightly coloured caggles, who visit some of the greatest sites we have on offer and say "zat is very boring" to all of them! After this period we have what is called an Indian summer. That lasts approximately 30 seconds during which I rush into my garden, lie on a sheet of baking foil, just until my skin reaches boiling point. Then I rush in and watch the clouds form. After this there is the great cull, the great luminaries of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of great.

NP: Yes thatís right and correct challenge Clement. A point to you and there are 20 seconds available still on high summer starting now.

CF: Hi Summer would eb a sort of discourteous greeting to Elke Summer, an actress better known for her cleavage than her theatrical skills. And yet high summer could also refer to the odd bit of sunshine that we get from London To Dorking, all the way from the seaside...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud got that point for speaking as the whistle went, heís now equal with Tony Hawks in the lead. And Tony Hawks, itís your turn to begin, the subject, double chins. Tell us something... everybody in the audience is doing that, putting their hands up immediately! Double chins, 60 seconds, starting now.

TH: I once wrote a song about a double chin called Iíve Got You Under My Chin. But unfortunately Cole Porter took the idea, made a tiny alteration and had a massive hit with it! Very disappointing to me I can tell you! Now the interesting thing about a double chin is that it cannot exist on its own. It has to have the other chin there otherwise it becomes a single chin and loses its double chin status, which would be upsetting if you were a double chin and wanted to...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy challenged.

JH: No thatís inaccurate because double chin is a collective term for two chins. Itís not one of the two chins, itís them both together. Like a pair of chins.

NP: Youíre trying very hard but it doesnít work. A double chin is a singular, you can use that in the singular...

JH: Oh can I?

NP: Yes! So Tony...

JH: I will use this knowledge wisely!

NP: Thirty seconds, double chin still with you Tony and another point starting now.

TH: For some reason people think itís unsightly to have a double chin. You could go on to have more, a quadruple chin. It doesnít matter. Your appearance is not as important as you think. People who talk...

BUZZ

NP: Sue Perkins has challenged.

SP: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes you said people, yes. And Sue well listened, you got in there with 17 seconds on double chins starting now.

SP: The important thing with a double chin is never to talk to a child, because small people are much much much tinier than you are...

BUZZ

SP: I just set myself up for that!

NP: I know! Oh itís a tough game! Clement...

SP: So what was that? Sorry, what am I being... thereís a problem there!

JH: Itís offside!

NP: Itís offside! Ten seconds, Clement, double chins starting now.

CF: If you have two breasts, it is known as a bosom. And yet a couple of chins donít have a collective term. Theyíre known as a double chin...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking again as the whistle went gained that extra point. Heís now moved further ahead, Tony Hawks and Jeremy Hardy... Tony Hawks, second place, Jeremy Hardy, Sue Perks.. ins, equal in third place. And Jeremy Hardy, your turn to begin. The subject is my worst habit. Tell us something about my worst habit, starting now.

JH: My worst habit would have to be repetition, by which I mean saying the same thing over repeatedly and again. This might not seem like a cardinal sin or a very perverse habit. But on this game, itís considered worse than bestiality or Satanism! Which in areas outside Dorset would be considered quite perverse in themselves. But in the west of England theyíre considered field sports, along with beating badgers to death with pool cues and riding around on the back of the working class!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah, considered, three times.

NP: Yes you did say considered.

JH: Did I?

NP: He let you go for a bit but you did repeat the word. And Clement you got in with 27 seconds available, my worst habit starting now.

CF: My worst habit is one that I bought in an Oxfam shop for under 50 pence. It was a special deal and includes sacking, and an old silk lining once worn by a titled lady...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: I want to know how many other habits heís got! If thatís his worst one! Just a, just a...

NP: Just a question that was all.

TH: Yes how many others have you got?

NP: Well he maybe will tell us in Just A Minute because you interrupted him, he gets a point for being interrupted, he continues with the subject, 13 seconds, my worst habit, starting now.

CF: A compulsion to throw pieces of sweet paper out of the window of my car regardless of where I am is an extremely bad habit which some would think might be my worst. (whistles)

WHISTLE

NP: He paused but nobody challenged and then the whistle went, so he gets a point for speaking. Tony Hawks your turn to begin and the subject is barking up the wrong tree. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

TH: For a long time I never fully understood the logic of this expression, because I couldnít grasp the concept that there is actually a right tree to bark up! Surely whichever tree you go to, to perform this, itís still a waste of time especially if youíre a young man like I am. But then I discovered its origin. In fact what it is coming from is the ca.. raccoon hunting... hello my dear!

BUZZ

NP: Sue Perkins you challenged, yes?

SP: Just a question, whatís a ca-raccoon?

NP: Itís a...

TH: Iíve got more than heís got habits! I tell ya!

NP: So deviation from English as we understand it, so Sue you have a correct challenge, you have 33 seconds. Tell us something about barking up the wrong tree starting now.

SP: If itís wrong to bark up the wrong tree, then itís also wrong to meow up the wrong tree...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Repetition of wrong.

NP: You can repeat the words on the card, not necessarily in the phrase, but individually and differently. So Sue very cleverly did that, Tony didnít know the rules. And Sue got another point and keeps the subject and 29 seconds available, barking up the wrong tree, starting now.

SP: So the cats are in clover, there they are meowing up the wrong tree...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement you challenged.

CF: Repetition of meowing.

SP: Yes Dorking!

NP: Yes...

SP: Sir Clement is right!

NP: Some were listening and heard it, some were not and didnít hear it. But Clement you were correct, you listened, 26 seconds, barking up the wrong tree starting now.

CF: Barking up the wrong tree. Or up the wrong tree barking. Barking tree up wrong tree. All these are expressions showing one has got the wrong end of the stick. Trees have barks as everyone knows, as do dogs, who occasionally bark up the wrong tree because they donít know which the right tree is likely to be...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and heís now moved ahead of Sue Perkins and Tony Hawks and Jeremy Hardy in that order. And Sue itís your turn to begin, the subject now is panel games. Tell us something about that in this show starting now.

SP: A panel game is generally where four people sit around talking and then Clement Freud wins! The first ever panel game took place in the First World War at Billford barracks, an unfortunate incident where somebody misunderstood the term quickfire round! Women in panel shows are expected to wear bright coloured blazers and not say very much, and in one of those respects I am the same as that! And also way off grammatically which is good but no-one has picked up on it, so I carry onwards with my discussion of panel shows. Panel beating was a great panel show which Jeremy er Clarkson hosted in 1979. Sadly it only went to one series and nobody watched it, apart from me. Which is great because I can talk about it, and no-one is there to challenge me...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of no-one.

NP: No-one, yes. Itís correct!

TH: I tell you, Iím not coming to Dorking on tour!

NP: He plays by the rules, let her get away with a couple of hesitations, so he comes in on a correct challenge of repetition and 13 seconds available on panel games with you Tony starting now.

TH: I came up with a panel game once, called Thatís My Beard in which five bearded men came on, shaved off their...

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Hardy challenged.

JH: He came twice! Which Iím not knocking at all!

NP: And was not possible on Just A Minute because itís repetition. And there are six seconds available, panel games with you Jeremy starting now.

JH: Start The Week is a bit like a panel game with all the rules taken away and no joke...

WHISTLE

NP: So itís pretty equal with the points and even with the contributions but Clement Freud just in the lead ahead of Tony Hawks and Sue Perkins and then Jeremy Hardy in that order. And Jeremy your turn to begin, the subject parasites. Tell us something about parasites in Just A Minute starting now.

JH: There is a huge family of parasites, so big it requires many palaces and castles to accommodate all of them. But there are of course other parasites. There is the ringworm, there is the theatre critic...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Ah repetition of there is.

NP: There is, yes.

JH: Fair play!

CF: And I didnít like what he said!

NP: I donít think the audience did either! Middle England rebelled! And Clement you got in with a correct challenge, there is, 45 seconds available, parasites starting now.

CF: The Parasites was probably the bravest regiment the Army has ever seen! Replete with battle honours, medals, fights in which they defeated the enemy. And I wanted when I joined the Army to join... Iíve said join...

BUZZ

NP: Tony got in first.

TH: Repetition of join.

NP: Yes. Tony, you got parasites... sorry you havenít got parasites!

JH: I thought...

SP: Itís out in the open!

NP: I, I apologise Tony!

SP: That means I...

NP: I donít know why the audience enjoyed it so much. I donít know whether they, thereís an image you project that we donít know about! Anyway, 28 seconds are available for you to talk on parasites Tony starting now.

TH: As far as I know parasites are ugly little organisms which live off the organs of other creatures, not really contributing anything themselves to the well-being of the world. Hence they become rather unpopular, certainly in our social parlance when we use the word parasite weíre not paying compliments. I wouldnít really know who the social parasites are, and itís a very controversial area. Heaven knows, there was nearly a...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And with other points in the round has moved forward. Heís now only one point behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Tony your turn to begin. The subject, a chip off the old block. Can you tell us something about a chip off the old block starting now.

TH: I suppose if you are a chip off the old block, you are supposed to be like your parents. Yet my father was in the Merchant Navy, and my mother was a tiller girl. Now I would need to be a dancing sailor really to be a chip off the old block. And I will be doing an act similar to that in Dorking in about a monthís time! If any of you here would be interested in coming along, you can boo me in the same way you did some of my challenges earlier on. And that time it really will deserve it because the performance will be abysmal. I have to tell you. But I used to have a block in my back garden that I used to chip away at for no reason and thatís all I have to say!

BUZZ

NP: Jeremy Hardy challenged.

JH: Hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation! So you have the subject which is a chip off the old block and you have 18 seconds starting now.

JH: There is a discussion as to whether things are hereditary or environmental. Most things, I believe, are a consequense of time and place. You can inherit male pattern baldness from your motherís father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War. Unless certain conditions are in place, you will not simply replicate the activities...

WHISTLE

NP: So Jeremy Hardy speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Heís now equal with Sue Perkins in third place. But they are only just two points behind Tony Hawks who is three points behind Clement Freud. So Clement Freud we say you are the winner this week! So it only remains for me to say thank you to our four exciting and talented players of the game, Sue Perkins, Clement Freud, Jeremy Hardy and Tony Hawks. Also thank Janet Staplehurst whoís helped me with the score and blown her whistle so delicately. We are also indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game that we enjoy playing so much. And of course we are deeply indebted to our producer Claire Jones for her production and also her direction. But we are more indebted to this lovely audience here in Dorking who have thrilled us and moved us on our way with eclan! A lovely warm Surrey audience, from them, from the panel, from me Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in, be with us the next time we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC