JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,KHesketh-Harvey
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 June 1998)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons, and as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure not only to welcome the many listeners we have throughout the world but also to welcome the four experienced and dynamic players of the game who are going to take part in the show this week. We have three of our original players going back for many years, the charmingly witty Peter Jones, the effervescently effusive Derek Nimmo, and the challengingly intelligent Clement Freud. And weíre also, and weíre joined in the fourth chair by someone who hasnít played the game quite as many times as that, and that is the highly knowledgable Kit Hesketh-Harvey. Will you please welcome all four of them! And as usual Iím going to ask them to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. Beside me sits Linda Cobley who is going to help me keep the score, she will hold the stopwatch, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the beautiful grounds at the gracious stately home, Blenheim Palace. And we are honoured with the presence of his Grace, the Duke of Marlborough. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud and how very apt! Clement the subject is palace. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Anyone can live in a castle. But to have a palace means that you are royal, aristocratic or a bishop. Which is why Iíve never had a palace or lived in one! When I joined the Army I said "where will I sleep?" And they said "palace". And it turned out to be a pally-ass which is quite different! A sheet of cotton with straw inside it which was not at all the same. If you have a palace ah you can give...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.

NP: No I think he was going slowly, more slowly than usual. But maybe he was over-rawed by the atmosphere...

DN: He went ah.

CF: No I didnít!

NP: No he didnít!

CF: No I didnít!

NP: There wasnít! Utterly prejudiced audience obviously! I mean if you want to make all the decisions for me thatís fine! But on this occasion Iím going to make the decision that I donít think he was actually going slow enough to be a definite hesitation so Iím not going to allow that. So Derek that was an incorrect challenge so Clement gets a point for that, he keeps the subject, there are 28 seconds left starting now.

CF: Good palaces have natural mineral water, organised tours, glorious gardens. And every now and again the Lordís Taverners are assembled to meet there, and buy expensive food which is called a dinner. If Nicholas Parsons speaks to them afterwards the charge is doubled or trebled! The Palace of Blenheim where we are assem...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kit Hesketh-Harvey...

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Was there a repetition of Blenheim?

DN: Yes!

NP: Yes youíre right! Iím glad youíre there, you listened well, Blenheim, well listened Kit, correct challenge, so you get a point for a correct challenge there, you take over the subject with three seconds to go starting...

KHH: She was of course the Greek goddess of wisdom and is er seen in Nicholas Parsonsí...

BUZZ

KHH: Oh no!

NP: Derek youíve challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I will give a hesitation! This is the most partisan audience Iíve ver had in my life! You utterly inhibited poor Kit then! Because he came in with three seconds which is part of the game, to get in just before the end, you almost booed him for doing it! It was an incredibly clever trick! And Derek you got in with half a second to go on palace...

DN: Those awful gin palace...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo so he got a point for that. He also got a point for his challenge so he is now in the lead with two points. Peter itís your turn to begin, the subject, high society. You tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PETER JONES: Itís not a very good subject for me, but still! It was a lovely musical with Cafka, Sinatra...

BUZZ

NP: You remembered it so well, didnít you Peter?

PJ: Yes!

DN: Hesitation and deviation!

NP: Yes! But you canít get two points but you were correct on both counts Derek. High society, 55 seconds with you starting now.

DN: To be in high society is not very easy. Youíre either born into it. You can get into cafe society which is frightfully...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said into twice.

NP: Itís one of those, yes, one of those sort of rather tough challenges, but it was correct Peter...

PJ: Tough?

NP: ...and you have 48 seconds on high society starting now.

PJ: And they had er Louis Armstrong singing in it as well I think. I think his name was Louis...

BUZZ

NP: Your first thought was right! Yes, Louis Armstrong was in High Society.

KHH: Yes, I think there two I thinks.

NP: Yes quite right Kit! Kit your challenge came first, repetition of I think, 42 seconds left, high society starting now.

KHH: Best illustrated by the Duke of Marlborough, in point of fact, who when asked at dinner by a Texas Dowager whether he would like a cigarette between courses, he said "Madam, I like bonking between courses, but I donít do it between courses!"

BUZZ

KHH: Are we allowed to say bonking? Are we allowed to say bonking?

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Too many courses.

NP: There were too many courses! There were indeed but what was between them was what got the laugh. Clement you have 31 seconds on high society starting now.

CF: If youíre in high society you tend to send your children to Eton, Harrow, Winchester, Marlborough, Rugby, Charter House, St Paulís, Westminster, Millfield, Ampleforth, Beaumont...

BUZZ

NP: Ah well done Clement but you did pause then and Kit got in first. Right, 15 seconds for you, back with you Kit, high society starting now.

KHH: The rules are very simple nowadays. All you have to serve is those little chocolates, that go with the ambassador...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Peter yes, yes a stumble there which we interpret as hesitation. Ten seconds for you on high society starting now.

PJ: And there were a number of very well-known stars in this film...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey, yes?

KHH: Was that a pause, I mean, was that a hesitation?

NP: Whatís that?

KHH: Was it, was it not... Iím sorry!

NP: I donít know what youíre apologising for because...

KHH: Well it seems so graceless to...

NP: No! All right! Anyway an incorrect challenge Peter, another point to you, five seconds, high society starting now.

PJ: Some of the numbers are still being played on the radio. And the...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No, of course not! I donít think so!

PJ: Hesitation?

NP: Hesitation! Good heavens, no! Half a second with you Peter on high society starting now.

PJ: What a swell party this is!

WHISTLE

NP: Ah the swell party! And Peter Jones really has leapt forward, heís now equal in the lead with Derek Nimmo, followed just a little behind by Kit Hesketh-Harvey and then Clement Freud in that order. Derek itís your turn to begin and the subject now is celebrations. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

DN: The biggest celebration weíve ever had in my family was when my sister Valerie came out of prison where she served quite a stiffish sentence for bigamy! Her husband was there and all her lovers and so on! It was a very moving occasion and we toasted her with fine Blenheim natural spring water that had come from an aquifer within Blenheim Palace...

BUZZ

DN: And Iíve said Blenheim twice!

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey yes Kit?

KHH: The usual challenge, repetition of Blenheim, isnít it.

NP: Blenheim yes, we canít have too much of Blenheim but on this occasion you can if you repeat it in the round. So Kit youíve got in with 38 seconds still available, celebrations starting now.

KHH: But what you wonít know at home is that weíre recording this in a wonderful Mayday weekend, the celebration of the coming on Spring. And Iíve just hailed from Padstowe on the north coast of Cornwall where theyíve been teasing the Abiass, a strange fertility ritual which occurs there every May the 1st and if you look at it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of May.

NP: Yes yes!

KHH: Sorry!

NP: Weíve had too much May yes. Clement Freud you have the subject, 23 seconds available , celebrations starting now.

CF: I celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and the Battles of Bannockburn, Sedgewick, Sellhurst, Sellbridge, the battle of Soul...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of battle.

NP: Of battle, yes. What do you do when you celebrate Bannockburn? Iím fascinated to know!

CF: Drink whisky!

NP: Right, so correct repetition of battle, correct with you Derek, celebrations starting now.

DN: Funnily enough today Iíve just come from the celebration of the Sir Donald Sindenís and his wife, 50th wedding anniversary held in the Wheeld of Kent with much joy and celebration by all the local house builders...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo again speaked as the whistle went and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Weíre back with you Kit Hesketh-Harvey to begin, dizzy. Tell us something about dizzy, 60 seconds starting now.

KHH: The most famous Dizzy I suppose os Dizzy Gillespie, the noted bebop trumpeter who sat on his trumpet one day and came up...

BUZZ

NP: Derek, Derek Nimmo, that was what happened...

KHH: I thought, didnít I say trumpeter. Trumpeter followed by trumpet.

NP: Yes. Trumpeter and then he said trumpet then.

KHH: Oh I see Iím sorry.

NP: No thatís all right! Itís an incorrect challenge Derek...

DN: Oh, did I challenge?

NP: Yes you challenged! So he sat on his trumpet, Dizzy did, and youíve 52 seconds to continue starting now.

KHH: After which it protrcated at an angle of 45 degrees. For listeners at home, Iím pointing at the air so the audience can understand this. And made a much nicer noise than it did before...

BUZZ

NP: Kit youíve challenged.

KHH: Iím challenging myself because itís deviation isnít it. Because the trumpetís at the wrong, the wrong angle!

NP: So this is a, the new players of the game come in with new ploys which is very... So Kit you challenged yourself for deviation, that is a correct challenge actually, yes, you were deviating, so I presumably have to give you a point for a correct challenge. And also say having got that you keep the subject!

KHH: Oh how marvelous!

NP: With 41 seconds still available on dizzy starting now.

KHH: Iím so dizzy my head is spinning, like a whirlpool it never ends. The most remarkable performance is Benjamin Disraeli...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Repetition of most. Most famous name and...

NP: Yes...

KHH: It was quite, absolutely well done Derek, well done!

NP: It was one of those small... goodness me, theyíre so generous arenít they? Right! Derek, dizzy, 35 seconds starting now.

DN: In my experience the most famous Dizzy was Benjamin Disraeli, who made Queen Victoria Empress of India and sucked up to her no end! She was quite her most favourite...

BUZZ

NP: Clement?

CF: Repetition of most!

NP: You started off with the most famous dizzy and then she was most famous. Right! So Clement the subject is dizzy and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

CF: If you stand on your toes, and turn first left, then right, north-east, south-west, you tend to become dizzy and your brain no longer functions as well as it would if you were un-dizzy. Um, many people of my acquaintance...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was a hesitation there...

CF: Between words, was it?

NP: That is invariably when they occur!

CF: I could, a pause...

NP: Itís difficult to hesitate while youíre speaking a word!

CF: A pause between one word and the next!

NP: Yes! Sometimes if you pause between each word, we interpret that on Just A Minute as hesitation...

CF: Ah!

NP: And Iíve decided on this occasion to interpret that as hesitation. I know youíve only been playing here for 32 years Clement! So Peter youíve got in cleverly with five seconds to go on dizzy starting now.

PJ: Well when Disraeli shut his...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: (Giggling) He always starts with well but it was in the last round, so... Iím so sorry! He always starts with well, you see!

NP: I know he does!

DN: Yes!

NP: But he hasnít spoken yet...

DN: No he hasnít spoken!

NP: Didnít speak in the last round!

PJ: Youíre mumbling away here!

NP: Youíre surging forward Peter! My goodness me yes, youíre still in fourth place but you are surging! And the subject is dizzy, three seconds, starting now.

PJ: He shut his wifeís hand in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Didnít start with well!

NP: Right! Give Clement Freud a bonus point, we enjoyed the challenge! Peter gets a point for being interrupted, he keeps the subject, dizzy, one second left starting now.

PJ: And he was just about to make a complete...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and with the other points really genuinely has leapt forward and heís now in second place behind our leader Derek Nimmo and then equal following are Clement Freud and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. Derek your turn to begin, the subject, my memory. Will you tell us something about it in this game starting now.

DN: Well I donít think I can remember very much at all really! I barely know where I am half the time! Although it is very nice to be here at Long Beach this evening! And in particular to be with our genial quizmaster, Hughie Green, who Iíve always had a huge admiration for. If you tell the truth you donít have to have a memory, I think Mark Twain once rather wisely said. I very seldom tell the truth and thatís why I canít remember anything at all! Mind you...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of truth.

NP: Yes!

DN: Absolutely!

NP: Absolutely! Yes, yes...

DN: Well done!

NP: Nimmo always says that whne he knows he faux pased. Right, 32 seconds are available for you Clement on my memory starting now.

CF: My memory used to be very good in respect of battles. Salamanca, Victoria, Toulouse and Waterloo ran off the cuff like water from a hogís back. The Battle of Hastings...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: You canít have words running off the cuff!

NP: Yes I think that is a form of deviation, running off the cuff, it doesnít really make sense does it? Yes a correct challenge Derek, 18 seconds, my memory starting now.

DN: The trouble is that when you go into a room looking for say a key, and when you discover it hidden in a corner and you pick it up...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: He said when twice.

NP: He did say when twice Peter, yes...

CF: Tough challenge!

KHH: Tough challenge!

NP: Yes a tough challenge, but a correct challenge. I have to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute and say correct, 12 seconds are available for you Peter, my memory starting now.

PJ: Iíd like to tell you about a man I met in Birmingham. But unfortunately it wouldnít be allowed on the BBC. I can remember it...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of B.

NP: I know! BBC, yes! Derek, a correct challenge on BBC, five seconds, my memory starting now.

DN: I remember when it used to be called by everyone the British Broadcasting Corporation...

WHISTLE

NP: Speaking again as the whistle went, getting that extra point for doing so, Derek Nimmo has now edged forward just ahead of Peter Jones and then come Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Clement Freud equal in third place. Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject, correspondence. Tell us something about that subject in this game if you can starting now.

CF: I have had a protracted correspondence with my wine merchant, who has been sell me a kind of brandy which is aged in a boat! It appears that cognac shippers at one time, presumably in the last century, sent their wares by sea to whomever...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Itís not a tough challenge but he did seem to hesitate between the words!

NP: We had this conversation a little while ago Peter....

PJ: Yes well you...

NP: I established that if you hesitate between the words then we interpret that as hesitation. They were getting slower and slower...

PJ: Yes they were!

NP: I think the boat in which the brandy came was actually sinking at the time! So you have a correct challenge Peter, 38 seconds, correspondence, starting now.

PJ: I think the level of correspondence nowadays is very poor. If you read the letters of Jane Austen or some of the Bronte sisters, and other people...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey?

KHH: Repetition of Bronte. There were three of them! And a brother!

NP: He just said the Bronte sisters.

PJ: Itís a joke Nicholas.

KHH: Itís a joke.

NP: I know it was a joke yes.

KHH: It wasnít a very good joke, Iím so sorry!

NP: Thank you, thank you for your contribution...

KHH: Iíll go back...

NP: Iím sorry I canít give you a bonus point for it but you keep the subject Peter, correspondence, 29 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well that does seem rather a long time, but still! Iíll make an attempt at it! It may seem even longer to you!

BUZZ

NP: Derek?

DN: Two, repetition of seem.

NP: It does seem a long time, yes. It may seem longer to you! Derek a correct challenge, 20 seconds, correspondence, starting now.

DN: Iím at present reading the correspondence between Virginia Graham and Joyce Grenfell. And muchly, I am enjoying it! It is witty, funny, and it has the most acerbic things to say. They describe the moments of great happiness and sadness. And for Joyce whoís a confirmed Christian...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

KHH: It sort of foundered, didnít it?

NP: Yeah a sort of hesitation. Kit you got in cleverly...

KHH: Tough luck!

NP: ... with three seconds to go, correspondence, starting now.

KHH: They used to be found in the Metropol... ted... ted... in Brighton...

BUZZ

NP: Ohhhhh! Peter Jones got in first, thereís one second on correspondence, Peter with you starting now.

PJ: I blame the telephone!

WHISTLE

NP: So with that extra point for speaking as the whistle went Peter Jones has gone back into the lead again alongside Derek Nimmo. Kit Hesketh-Harvey your turn to begin, the subject, what I keep in my pockets. Tell us something about that, so, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

KHH: Apple, briar pipe, chewing gum, diary...

BUZZ

KHH: Earwig...

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed!

KHH: I only got as far as E!

NP: I know! It was the idea of a briar pipe in a Kit Hesketh-Harvey pocket I canít quite see! Fifty-five seconds with you Clement, what I keep in my pocket, starting now.

CF: What I keep in my pocket starting now is correspondence with my wine merchant who sent me a letter explaining that cognac could be matured by sea. And I was vert surprised because I thought if it could be able to reach...

BUZZ

NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey? Yes Kit your challenge?

KHH: Ah yeah hesitation.

NP: I think it was Kit yes, 38 seconds for you on what I keep in my pocket starting now.

KHH: Eraser, fur cone, diary...

BUZZ

NP: Another hesitation, well done Clement, yes. Thirty-six seconds for you Clement, what I keep in my pocket starting now.

CF: It occured to me that one might age liquor of all kinds...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of age.

CF: I never said age before. No, mature.

NP: Mature before. Clement an incorrect challenge so you keep the subject, what I keep in my pocket, 32 seconds starting now.

CF: The letter from this provider of liquor explained that supersonic travel has the most extraordinary effect on the fermented juice of grape...

BUZZ

NP: Having got that sentence out, Iím sure anybodyís entitled to pause!

KHH: There was a sort of natural hiatus but I think it did go on...

NP: More than that, he was a definite, yes, right, 18 seconds Kit with you what I keep in my pocket starting now.

KHH: Gentlemans handkerchief, inkpen...

BUZZ

KHH: Jamjar!

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Itís amazing, they all hesitate when theyíve got to think whatís in their pockets. Maybe thereís something there they donít want to reveal! Fourteen seconds now with you Derek, what I keep in my pockets starting now.

DN: I generally have in one hand... lots of...

BUZZ

NP: Yes Kit you got in first.

KHH: Er...

NP: Yes definitely! Yes, 11 seconds what I keep in my pockets starting now.

KHH: Keys, lovely...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones you challenged first.

PJ: Yes, hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes Peter. Right, nine seconds, starting now.

PJ: Mostly itís bits of fluff which the dry cleaners always fail to remove. Now in future Iím going to take the pockets and turn them inside out...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud and Kit Hesketh-Harvey got between them so many points in that round for challenging each other about what they kept in their pockets. They have leapt forward but theyíre both now still in third and fourth place. Peter Jones is still just in the lead at the end of that round, one ahead of Derek Nimmo. As we move into the final round on the subject of romance. Derek, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well it is a very apt subject...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He started with well!

NP: And he doesnít usually, and thatís your prerogative, is it?

PJ: Quite, yes.

NP: I tell you what, the audience enjoyed your challenge so much Peter, we give you a bonus point for the challenge. But Derek gets a point for being interrupted so he keeps the subject, with 50... only 59 seconds still, 59 seconds, romance starting now.

DN: Because sitting a few rows back in this old stable is my bride of some 43 winters and summers...

NP: Ohhh!

DN: And we do try and keep things romantic. Itís terribly important, romance, in a very long marriage. Our honeymoon was taken in San Aredegromme. And we go back there every year! She goes in July and I go in June! Because romance is something that one does need. Last night for instance, we shared half a peter with a little tin of flavoured...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I didnít get that, half a what?

NP: No, half a peat?

DN: Peter! You know a peter donít you? You know peter donít you?

PJ: Peter who?

DN: Peter!

NP: You shared half a peter? Thatís what you said...

DN: Pita bread! Pita bread!

NP: Oh, pita bread! Derek you can share half a piece of pita bread but you canít share half a Peter! If you share half a Peter, it becomes sexually very very disturbing! And therefore I agree with Peterís challenge, it was deviation, and Peter you have 26 seconds to take over romance starting now.

PJ: One thinks of violin music played by a garlic breathing Italian or Spaniard who hovers over the table and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek?

DN: Hesitation, he stopped!

NP: Yes, he hovered too much, Iím afraid, right! So Derek a correct challenge, 15 seconds available on romance starting now.

DN: I think the most romantic gesture I ever made to my wife was to phone...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of romantic.

NP: Yes! You had romantic before when you were talking about your lovely wife Pat. Which is very understandable, because I know she is a delightful and romantic lady. Um...

PJ: How do you know?

NP: Clement Freud, you had a correct challenge, 13 seconds, romance starting now.

CF: Sitting next to the romantic lady who married Derek Nimmo is my wife. I thought Iíd just mention this because we too, in our time, took holidays, sometimes in April...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and brought that round to a close, but also brought the show to a finish. So I now give you the final score, the points such as they are. I know there are a lot of people interested and occasionally I get letters about it. But the contributions all important. And itís a very interesting situation because Kit Hesketh-Harvey whoís not played as often as the others came just in fourth place, just behind Clement Freud. But a few points out in the lead, equal in the lead were Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones so they are the joint winners this week. So it only remains for me to say thank you to the four talented players of the game, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. Also to thank Linda Cobley for keeping the score so admirably and blowing her whistle so magnificently. Also our producer Chris Neill who keeps an eye on everything and makes sure that it all runs very smoothly. We must also thank Ian Messiter who thought of this game and created it for us which we enjoy playing. And we must also thank this delightful audience at Blenheim Palace. From all of us here and me Nicholas Parsons, thank you and goodbye.

THEME MUSIC