JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,NParsons,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, NICHOLAS PARSONS and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by CLEMENT FREUD (Radio, 16 February 1970)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Nicholas Parsons and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is this weekís chairman Clement Freud.

CLEMENT FREUD: Thank you for that tremendously warm welcome. Let me just remind you how this game is played. Each panellist is going to be given a subject and will have to talk about it for 60 seconds without deviating from it, without hesitating...

DEREK NIMMO: (makes droney noise) Oh ommmmm!

CF: ... and without repeating himself.

DN: (drones) Ommmmm!

CF: And the first subject today...

DN: Oh dear!

CF: .. goes to the newest member of the panel who is actually the oldest chairman we ever had. Nicholas Parsons, Nicholas, will you speak for one minute on the blarney stone starting now.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: The blarney stone is a piece of rock in a castle in a village outside Cork in Southern Ireland. It is considered that if you manage to kiss this particular er blarney stone...

BUZZ

CF: Derek...

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Unfair!

DN: With great pleasure, hesitation!

CF: Can we just um... Derek I believe you challenged?

DN: Yes I challenged on the grounds of hesitation.

CF: You have the subject of the blarney stone, you have 47 seconds to go starting now.

DN: When I first met Blarney Stone, it was in a small cotswold in Southern Ireland. The very first...

BUZZ

CF: Nick you buzzed.

NP: I said repetition, I said southern Ireland, I said small cotswold.

DN: This is a gentleman called Blarney Stone.

NP: Yes but I have already said Southern Ireland..

CF: Stop arguing! Nick you get a point, youíve got 41 seconds on the blarney stone starting now.

NP: If you...

BUZZ

CF: Derek you buzzed.

DN: Hesitation.

CF: Shut up! Nick you have another point, the blarney stone...

SHEILA HANCOCK: How are you Kenneth? All right? Just tell them youíre here, say something to me!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Iím totally all right, Sheila, Iím listening though! Go on!

NP: If you kiss the blarney stone itís considered that you have the gift of eloquence...

BUZZ

CF: Derek you buzzed.

DN: Well he said if you kissed before.

CF: Absolutely correct.

NP: Well I love kissing, I mean...

CF: Derek has another point, he has the blarney stone, he has 34 seconds starting now.

DN: This particular piece of masonry was hewn from the earth some 789 years ago come next Pancake Tuesday. The interesting thing about it, in attendance at the time was the Thane of Phwar, which is one of the smaller villages outside...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth you challenged.

KW: Deviation, there are no Thanes in Ireland, itís a Scots term.

NP: Well done!

CF: Kenneth you have a point, you have 18 seconds and the blarney stone starting now.

KW: This stone has its name, blarney, which is connoted in Ireland with to mull over, to, so to speak, gloss and...

BUZZ

NP: Derek you buzzed.

DN: Repetition, two tos. Four!

CF: I think thatís right actually. Yes Derek you have another point, you have the blarney stone, you have six seconds starting now.

DN: Early in the 19th century there was a determined attempt by a group of English people to steal this piece of rock and bring it back to...

BUZZ

NP: Repetition of a piece of rock, he said it before.

CF: He did, you get the point, you have two seconds for the blarney stone starting now.

NP: It was also considered you have the gift of the gab...

WHISTLE

CF: As Nicholas was talking while the whistle went, he gets another point and he shares the lead with Derek Nimmo. And theyíre just ahead of Kenneth Williams, and Sheila Hancock is...

SH: Bottom! Go on, say it! I donít care! I donít care!

DN: Itís all a bit creepy, isnít it, really!

CF: Sheila itís your turn.

SH: Oh?

CF: The subject is magic, for one minute starting now.

SH: This is something with which I could not do without. To start with you have the sort of conjuring ma, magic...

BUZZ

SH: Ohhhh! Get off!

CF: Derek you buzzed?

DN: Hesitation.

CF: Iím afraid so! Derek, you have a point, you have magic, 54 seconds starting now.

DN: I remember going to the Hoban Empire in the old days, and there seeing wonderful magicians standing there, pulling out of bags rabbits, out of ther sleeves of their...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth you buzzed.

KW: Two outs.

CF: Two outs. Kenneth I will give no more duplication of prepositions....

KW: He said to!

CF: Derek has the subject back...

SH: Oh dear!

CF: Forty-two seconds...

NP: Heís going to play it like that, is he?

CF: Magic starting now.

DN: Two little gnomes and one pixie held the wand high...

BUZZ

CF: Sheila?

SH: Deviation, this isnít true!

DN: Itís magic!

SH: Gnomes and pixies! Youíve never met a gnome in your life apart from Kenneth!

CF: Sheila youíre absolutely right, heís never met a gnome in his life. You have the subject, you have 36 seconds on magic starting now.

SH: There are certain people who have magic. Like Clement Freud, he has a great magic...

BUZZ

NP: Deviation! Clement Freud has no magic!

CF: Another point to Sheila... thirty-one seconds Sheila starting now.

SH: Kenneth Williams has it off and on! Derek has it mainly off! We also sometimes say in the theatre the magic happened tonight, which means that a sort of communion happens between you and the audience. Itís nothing to do with how you work, itís just something that happens. The other day my little girl was watching her Daddy doing a card trick and I explained to her how the card trick was done because Iím an immensely practical...

BUZZ

CF: Nick you buzzed.

NP: Repetition of card trick.

SH: Oh yes!

CF: Very ungallant!

SH: Yeah!

CF: But entirely true!

NP: But she was going for...

CF: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Nick you have magic for six seconds...

DN: We want...

CF: ... and another point starting now.

NP: Some of the best magic you see comes from television. The other...

BUZZ

CF: Derek you challenged.

DN: It doesnít!

CF: You know itís terribly unfair of me to judge.

KW: Youíve got to make the decision love!

CF: Iíve made...

NP: Iíll tell you what to do, score no points like I do and leave the subject...

CF: Shut up! Derek you have the subject with one second for magic starting now.

DN: Houdini was a very great...

WHISTLE

SH: Awwwww!

CF: And as Derek was talking while the whistle went, he gets another point and Kenneth gets the next subject. Will you speak for one minute please on laughter starting now.

KW: This sometimes happens through serendipity, and sometimes through the machinations or otherwise of professional comedians. Roby came on once and said "my last audience simply adored me, the reception I got was sublime, they made me a present of Mornington Crescent, and threw it a brick at a time!" And of course I think of that other notable comedienne Nellie Wallace...

BUZZ

CF: Nick you challenged.

NP: Repetition of comedian.

CF: No...

KW: I said comedienne!

CF: No it was comedian and comedienne. Kenneth you have another point and you have 33 seconds...

NP: Youíve got another point!

CF: Nicholas be quiet! Thirty-three seconds on laughter starting now.

KW: And she cried out, "Iím in the garden watching the birds wheeling and turning, waiting for them to drop a message by... by carrier pigeon!" And they said "waiting for it, youíre asking for it!" And laughter was produced with these wonderful lines! Such a nice young man, he was, always held my purse, said the change did him good! Another laugh getter! Indeed itís the most healthy sound that ever issued forth from the human body...

WHISTLE

CF: Kenneth Williams gets another point because he was speaking as the whistle went, which puts him one point behind Nicholas and a few points behind Derek...

KW: So Iím creeping up really!

NP: Yes!

CF: Youíre creeping up and Derek Nimmo is in the lead...

NP: Less of the creeping if you donít mind!

KW: Oh sorry!

CF: ... and has the next subject which is hobgoblins. Will you speak about hobgoblins for one minute starting now.

DN: Itís a source of great regret to me that people these days tend not to believe in fairies and gnomes and pixies, and in particular in hobgoblins. But all of you here who are privilleged to look at Kenneth Williams tonight will know without any doubt they really do still exist! What is a hobgoblin...

BUZZ

DN: Small...

CF: Nicholas you challenged.

NP: Deviation, I donít believe that Kenneth Williams is a hobgoblin!

CF: I think...

NP: Heís a human being!

CF: Um... this is not a game in which you spread your beliefs! Derek you have another point, you have hobgoblins, youíve got 41 seconds starting now.

DN: A small ugly mischievous demon is a hobgoblin, and that is what we see here...

BUZZ

CF: Sheila?

SH: Iím not going to have that, heís not ugly!

CF: Sheila youíre quite right, you have a point, youíve got the subject, you have 35 seconds starting now.

SH: Oh hobgoblins are...

BUZZ

SH: Oh go on! I know!

DN: Hesitation!

NP: Youíre absolute!

CF: You are a swine!

KW: Oh yes! Hear hear!

CF: Sheila has another point, she has another hobgoblin, she has 33 seconds...

SH: I donít know what to say about hobgoblins!

CF: ...starting now.

SH: Goblins that live in the hob, they sit on the kettle and bubble! Thatís what hobgoblins are! They have little horns and red trousers. They walk around in the fireplace...

BUZZ

CF: Derek you challenged.

DN: Hesitation

SH: Yes.

CF: Iím afraid it was...

SH: I do have to breathe you know!

DN: I know!

CF: Derek you have another point, 18 seconds, hobgoblins, starting now.

DN: The sun comes kingís core...

BUZZ

CF: Nick you challenged.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: You have a point, you have hobgoblins for 15 seconds.

NP: These hobgoblins all came down to this house...

CF: Nick, Nick, you have 15 seconds starting now.

NP: These hobgoblins all came down to this big house...

BUZZ

CF: Derek you challenged.

DN: Repetition, he just said that!

CF: Nick you have another point, 13 seconds on hobgoblins starting now.

NP: These particular creatures came into this house with the three...

BUZZ

CF: Derek you challenged.

DN: Repetition, he said that.

CF: That really was repetition. Derek you have a point, you have 10 seconds on hobgoblins starting now.

DN: The Goblan Tapestries were the most famous creations...

BUZZ

CF: Nick you challenged?

KW: No I challenged dear.

CF: Kenneth?

KW: Because he wasnít saying goblin, he said goblan!

CF: Er I think goblan is absolutely legitimate...;

KW: Well then why havenít we been saying that all along? Why have we all been saying goblin then!

CF: Heís allowed his version of the subject...

KW: Mmmm! Youíre no gent!

CF: Iím a gentleman and Derek has another point and you have eight more seconds starting now.

DN: And Sherk Oltz was the most famous tapestry worker, and the most sought after...

BUZZ

CF: Nick you challenged.

NP: Repetition of tapestry.

KW: Oh thatís true!

CF: Youíre quite right, you have another point, you have the subject...

KW: Very sharp! Very sharp!

CF: Three seconds starting now.

NP: The three lads lived in this house and their names were Ken, Clem...

WHISTLE

CF: Nicholas gets another point because he was speaking while the whistle went, heís now three points behind Derek and some way ahead of Sheila Hancock who is just ahead of Kenneth Williams...

SH: Oooh, am I? Ohh!

CF: And Nicholas has the next subject, will you speak for one minute please on crumpets starting now.

NP: Crumpets are absolutely delicious! Well toasted, with plenty of butter on them, you can have them for pretty well any meal you like! I love them myself. Of course in the Midlands theyíre usually referred to as pikelets. In other parts of the country theyíre sometimes called muffins. In the singular this word has a quite different meaning. It usually means a woman of very easy virtue. And if you mention it in any script at all it is sure to get a laugh. Immediately you get a reaction from the audience if you say the word crumpet. If you put this into a wri... a thing on the radio, you will find...

BUZZ

CF: Sheila you challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

CF: You get a point, you keep the subject, you have 25 seconds on crumpets starting now.

SH: One of my happiest memories as a child was Sunday tea, when we always had crumpet or muffins with butter or honey on. My father used to cook them with a knife, and he used to scream all the while because he always burnt his hand. And nothing would induce him to use the toasting fork, it was part of the ritual. Always used to drop off and we always burnt at least three crumpets out of the packets of six. But it was a thing that we enjoyed very much. He then used to put them on a plate on the hearth and all the butter soaked through...

WHISTLE

CF: Sheila you get another point because you were talking...

SH: Oh you were all so gallant because I did say always an awful lot.

NP: Did you? I didnít know! I was laughing!

DN: Very good!

NP: Mouths were watering, I could feel the butter...

CF: Youíre now... Sheila is now substantially in third place behind Nick who is definitively in second place behind Derek Nimmo, who is currently in the lead. Sheila you start the next round with landladies. Would you speak for one minute on landladies starting now.

SH: These are both the terror and the delight of my life. Most of my early days have been spent in digs as Iím sure most of the people on this panel. When you are in the theatre you donít have a home at all until you settle in the West End. And from the day I was 16, I lived in digs...

BUZZ

SH: Oh yes!

CF: Derek you buzzed.

DN: Repetition of digs.

CF: Derek you have the subject with 43 seconds left, landladies starting now.

DN: During the war we used to have a lot of landgirls working on the fields...

BUZZ

CF: Ah...

KW: Deviation, the subjectís landladies, not landgirls.

DN: May I please substantiate that?

CF: Um if you could have had him for hesitation, but deviation, I wonít give it. Derek you get another point, you have landladies...

NP: Definitely deviation from landladies!

CF: Thirty-nine seconds starting now.

DN: As they matured in age, they became landladies and a splendid job of work they did...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth?

KW: Itís deviation, they never began as landgirls to become landladies! So the maturity did not occur!

CF: Um I think they could quite easily have become landladies...

KW: They certainly didnít! Iím telling you ducky!

NP: Landgirls and all of us, Iím with you!

KW: I happen to know! You werenít alive at the time!

CF: No, thatís absolutely true! I wasnít! Derek you have another point...

NP: Oh heís with him, isnít he!

KW: Itís nepotism! Nepotism! Heís an old nepot, you can see it from here!

CF: You have nepotic landladies for 33 seconds starting now.

DN: Mrs McFadgean who lives in Glasgow keeps a lovely house with a warm bedsitting room where I go and stay every time Iím there. And there I have teas brought into me, lovely coal fire to warm my cold hands! I remember going back there on a Tuesday evening in Lent and the funny thing was that sheíd given up fish for Lent. And I said "how very kind"...

BUZZ

DN: And I said it twice, and now Iíve been stopped!

CF: Kenneth?

KW: Two Lents.

CF: Two Lents, you have a point, you have the subject, you have three seconds starting now.

KW: The best landlady that I ever met was Sheila Hancock when she played the landlady in the revue, I was in with her!

WHISTLE

CF: You know, I never thought we would get to the end of the landladies! But we have! And Derek is now really rather extravagantly in the lead.

KW: Itís really very odd, because he didnít know anything about landladies at all!

CF: Derek you have the next subject, will you speak for one minute on taking risks and will you start now.

DN: Well of course I do think of all the great truisms this one is perhaps the most true. That one should always try to take risks. And we have done tonight, for instance! We have sitting up there as our chairman, Clement Freud, looking like a reincarnation of Genghius Khan...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth you challenged.

KW: Deviation, Clement Freud does not look like the reincarnation of Genghis Khan...

CF: You neednít go on, you have a point! Kenneth you have 42 seconds on taking risks starting now.

KW: This involves, of course, vulnerability. And itís something about which I am an authority. Whenever one takes a step, be it into the middle of the road, there is the danger that we might be run over or...

BUZZ

CF: Sheila?

SH: Deviation, itís a pretty funny step that gets you right into the middle of the road!

CF: Sheila you have a point, taking risks, 20 seconds, 22 seconds starting now.

SH: One, one of the most classic examples...

BUZZ

SH: Ohhhh!

KW: Serves you right for being so cocky!

CF: Derek you challenged for?

SH: Hahah! He hits me all the time! You do!

DN: When have I hit you?

SH: I can feel you wobbling!

CF: Will you stop...

DN: Deviation!

SH: He flies his arms around and wriggles! Go on then! Go on!

CF: Heís stopped wriggling now then as he has the subject, taking risks, 21 seconds starting now.

DN: Another risk that we have taken tonight is having that genial nit Nicholas Parsons on the panel...

BUZZ

CF: Nick you challenged.

NP: Hesitation before the nit and also deviation for the Nicholas Parsons nit.

CF: Nicholas Parsons gets the subject, 16 seconds on taking risks starting now.

NP: I took a very big risk when I decided to become on the chair of this particular programme, and allow Clement...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth you challenged.

KW: To become on the chair? To become on the chair? Whatís he going to do on this chair? Thatís what I want to know! Whatís he going to become? Itís like waiting for an ectoplasm!

CF: You have...

KW: Something smells like a bit of haddock over here too! Someoneís brought their tea with them!

CF: Kenneth you...

KW: What did you say dear?

CF: You have made your point, you have got your point, you have got the subject, you have 11 seconds, taking risks starting now.

KW: And all our lives we go out with this terrible misfortune hanging oíer our heads like a sword of Damocles...

BUZZ

CF: Derek you challenged.

DN: Deviation, we all havenít got this terrible misfortune, only Kenneth Williams has it! So heís talking about him!

CF: No, I think thatís not a valid challenge, not a valid deviation. Kenneth you have the subject back, you have an extra point, youíve only got three seconds, Iím with you, starting now.

KW: But if youíve wearing your lucky charm, and keep your pecker up, you think to yourself, "well Iíll better myself...

WHISTLE

CF: Kenneth, you have leapt past Sheila Hancock...

KW: Oh love, am I in the lead?

SH: No!

CF: No, donít over do it, but...

SH: Youíre just not bottom!

CF: Youíve gone past Sheila Hancock...

KW: Well, who is in the lead?

CF: Derek who is in front of Nick.

KW: How does he do it? I mean, his performance has been totally inept!

NP: He breathes down your neck...

CF: Nicholas, you have plenty of chance to breathe down necks...

KW: He keeps wobbling next to her over there!

CF:... because you have the next subject, it is gibberish. Can you talk about gibberish for one minute without deviating, without hesitating and without repeating yourself for the period of 60 seconds starting now.

NP: (Speaks French gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: (Continues shouting French gibberish)

CF: Derek you challenged.

NP: (Continues French gibberish)

CF: Nick, Nick...

NP: (Continues French gibberish)

SH: Shut up!

CF: Nick you were challenged about 48 seconds ago!

NP: I couldnít tell!

CF: Otherwise you would have gone on. Um you challenged?

DN: On the grounds of repetition. (Copies Nicholasís French gibberish)

KW: Yes I was amalette sourli visage!

CF: I think I must give you the point, Derek Nimmo...

NP: I didnít repeat anything the whole time, it was pure gibberish!

CF: But as it continued to be gibberish it was repetition and therefore Derek has the subject...

KW: Good for you Clem! Good for you!

CF: ...53 seconds starting now.

NP: Sweating in his beard now isnít he!

DN: I should come around, Clement Freud, Nicholas Parsons... (heads off into unintelligible gibberish)

BUZZ

DN: (continues gibberish) Oh dear! Am I near the end?

CF: Derek you were nowhere near the end because Nick challenged you. Um and I think on the same grounds I must give it to Nick...

NP: I challenge on exactly the same grounds.

CF: Yes you challenged...

NP: But actually I can substantiate my challenge. He said hahahaha! That is definitely repetition.

CF: Iíve already given it to you! Youíre in danger of losing it! But you have got it with 38 seconds, gibberish, starting now.

NP: (Italian gibberish)

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Repetition of oh.

CF: Nick you have an extra point, you have the subject, you have another 28 seconds starting now.

NP: This is a most fascinating subject. Gibberish is of course the obliteration of sense, and you put words together in such conjunctivation that you do not understand them and the audience is mystified, puzzled beyond words...

BUZZ

CF: Kenneth you challenged.

KW: Conjunctivation! Conjunction exists, conjunctivation doesnít!

NP: It does in my vocabulary!

CF: Kenneth you have a point...

SH: Itís something wrong with your eyes!

CF: Conjuncti...

KW: What did you say?

CF: Kenneth, gibberish, 18 seconds starting now.

KW: I really donít understand that if anybody says (gibberish)

BUZZ

CF: Nick youíve challenged.

NP: Well I get him on the same as before. Repetition.

CF: No! You donít! Kenneth you have another point, you have 12 seconds to go starting now.

KW: Then I would say (gibberish)

BUZZ

CF: Nick you challenged.

NP: Repetition, heís already said that! (gibberish)

CF: Kenneth has another point and is creeping up very quickly indeed, nine seconds to go starting now.

KW: In the (gibberish)

BUZZ

CF: Nick you challenged.

NP: Hesitation.

CF: Hesitation is right! You get another point Nick! You have one and a half seconds starting now.

NP: If you can talk about gibberish for one...

WHISTLE

CF: That brings us to the end of this edition of Just A Minute...

NP: Oh about time too!

CF: The winner... Letís do it in the reverse order as was done by Nicholas Parsons who was once chairman of this programme...

NP: Once!

CF: Um and in fourth place was Sheila Hancock. In third place Kenneth Williams. And in second place one point behind this weekís winner was Nicholas Parsons. Which means that the winner this week was Derek Nimmo.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Clement Freud, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.