JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,DHart
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and DIANE HART, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 January 1970)

NOTE: Diane Hart's only appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Diane Hart in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much and welcome once again to Just a Minute. And as youíve just heard we welcome today to represent the ladies for the first time Diane Hart. Iím suresheís going to do jolly well against these three tough exponents of the game. And once more Iím going to ask them all to try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. And according to how well they do this, they will gain points or otherwise. Anyway let us begin with Clement Freud, and the subject Clement is astrology. Can you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Astrology is the knowledge of the stars and the belief in the signs of the Zodiac, of which I donít really approve. Because every now and then people come up to me and say "when were you born?" And I say "the 24th of April". To which they reply "this means you are a Taurus the bull, boorish, difficult, talented, brilliant, amazing, fantastic, realistic and Iím afraid...

BUZZ

NP: Diane Hart you challenged, why?

DIANE HART: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DH: He isnít!

NP: In this game I hate to judge on peopleís personality or character. Sorry, Diane, a very clever try. It means that Clement Freud has a point and he continues with the subject with 33 seconds left, astrology, starting now.

CF: Most newspapers have a column which is entitled "Your Stars". And have a tame astrologer who tells people what is going to happen to them on this day, week, month or even year. For instance if you are born under the sign of Gemini, the twins, they predict...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition, twins.

NP: Thatís one of those occasions where I definitely award a bonus point for cleverness. But actually within the rules of the game it doesnít really count. So Clement continues with the subject and er there are 15 seconds left starting now.

CF: You are likely to meet a tall dark bald stranger who was probably wearing a wig, and will accost you and promise you great riches and some travel. This is the sort of thing which...

WHISTLE

NP: When the whistle goes it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud, heís at this moment being congratulated by the person he sits next to, Kenneth Williams. At the end of that round Clement has a lead of one over all the others. Kenneth Williams will you begin the second, the subject is common sense. Can you talk common sense for Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: (Getting slower and slower) I have more of it than most people! And I think it manifests itself in valuation. For example if you are offered something which patently obviously is not worth the price. If you have common sense youíll reject it! You see, you...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well, hesitation, deviation, hesitation there.

NP: Hesitation, I agree, Derek that means you get a point and you take over the subject with 34 seconds left for common sense starting now.

DN: Every time I go to Wimbledon Common I can sense it. Now how I manage to do this is I stand on the road opposite to the right hand fork which reads round the two ponds behind the fir trees and I say to myself "there is the smell of conifers in the air...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, weíre not talking about common sense.

NP: I think that Derek was making out a very good case for having a sense about the Common in which he was walking, and he had a very good sense of Wimbledon Common. I got that picture, Iím sorry you didnít, so all I can say is that Derek has another point and there are 18 seconds left for common sense starting now.

DN: Common sense and plain speaking tend to go hand in glove and mouth to tongue. I do think that this is what this nation needs more of. If there was less love...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek will you begin the next round for us. The subject is frightening people, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I suppose the most frightening person Iíve ever met is Clement Freud. I always have to look across at him! That awful grey matted beard, filled with old bits of soup and carrot and all down his ponderous looking face. Can you imagine facing a child with a sight like that? I mean on a Sunday afternoon strolling perhaps across Hampstead Court, and there was he (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, Iíve never been to Hampstead Court!

NP: Weíve only got your words for it! How do I judge?

DN: I said imagine.

NP: Yes, he imagined him in Hampstead Court. So Derek Nimmo has another point and there are 36 seconds left for frightening people starting now.

DN: The best way of frightening people really is to put a big sheet over your head...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, he said the best way of frightening people, I mean, he...

NP: He established that you were the best way to frighten people.

CF: Yeah thatís right.

NP: All right, to be fair now, as I wasnít sure before I give you the benefit of the doubt, we give you a point and there are 36 seconds left for frightening people starting now.

CF: Some of the most frightening people I have come across work in the theatre. Especially in the musical branch of that profession, where they race after this performance, invariably asking me to give them a lift to the stage door.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, I never ask for a lift. He always offers me a lift so he can show off his new car!

NP: To be perfectly fair Derek, Clement had not established it was you he was giving a lift to. So I must be fair within the rules of the game and say Clement Freud has another point, 17 seconds left for frightening people starting now.

CF: Thereís also Derek Nimmo who I find quite...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, Iím sure I was mentioned before!

CF: No!

NP: I just said he didnít mention you before.

DN: No but I still think he did, you see, I think he did!

NP: Anyway all that happens is that Clement has another point, frightening people Clement, 14 seconds starting now.

CF: The bristling toupee, loose false teeth snapping...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Thatís an absolute disgrace, itís real!

CF: Iím not talking about Derek Nimmo, Iím talking about frightening people!

NP: You see this is the wicked thing...

DN: You said Derek Nimmo!

NP: He did!

DN: I heard him! He said it last time!

NP: He said Derek Nimmo, he started off again on quite a different tack about toupees and frightening people. So I must within the rules of the game say Clement has another point and there are 11 seconds left for frightening people starting now.

CF: Alsations, goats and chipmunks are among animals that frighten people particularly. Although I know a woman in Llandudno who is frightened by sheep. Blah!

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round as you can well imagine that Clement Freud has taken a small lead over Derek. I do think that Derekís having very bad luck. I... The way the gameís constructed I feel I canít do anything else. Diane Hart will you begin the next round, the subject is, very aptly for you that Ian has chosen, is feminists. Will you speak and Iím sure you can on that for 60 seconds starting now.

DH: Well feminist is a word that men always look at me and say "youíre a feminist" in a rather snide way as though one is proud of it. And after all why shouldnít one be proud of it? I mean I can hardly be proud of being a man...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Too much pride.

NP: Iím afraid you did, there times. Forty-five seconds for you Derek on feminists starting now.

DN: I always think of feminists as those big ladies that wander round in boots, tying themselves to railings with bowler hats on and smoking pipes. Theyíre the sort of people who always are going up with Mrs Panborne...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

DN: Wrong station I fear!

CF: Deviation.

NP: Deviation, why?

CF: She never went to the Isle of Wight!

NP: So Clement you have another point and there are 32 seconds left for feminists starting now.

CF: Iím really in favour of feminists, because they support women who are the best other sex that we have! And I would like to go along with that very much. There was a movement, I admit, about which my colleague, Mr Nimmo, was trying unsuccessfully to cast our minds, in which...

BUZZ

NP: Diane why have you challenged?

DH: Heís talking about er Derek Nimmo which is not feminist. I hope!

NP: Itís a very clever challenge Diane but I think he had established that Derek Nimmo was trying to cast our mind in that direction. I will give you a bonus point for cleverness Diane and leave the subject with Clement, feminists, seven seconds, starting now.

CF: One of the most audascious attempts to bring this problem to the minds of the public was when a woman ran on to the race course at Epsom during the running of the Derby...

WHISTLE

NP: That very sad note did mean that Clement Freud had a point because he was speaking when the whistle went and he now has a lead of three over all the others at the end of that round. Clement itís your turn to begin the next round and hereís a lovely topical subject, the Loch Ness Monster. Clement can you talk about the Loch Ness Monster for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I got into my small submarine, went down to a depth of 43 feet...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, put it to the audience whether heís got a small submarine!

NP: I donít need to put it to the audience...

CF: Yes!

NP: But I do believe that he hasnít got a small submarine. So Derek I definitely award you a point and...

DN: I donít want it! I donít want it!

NP: Fifty seconds left...

DN: No! I donít want it!

NP: ... for the Loch Ness Monster Derek starting now.

DN: Well there are all sorts of theories about what really the Loch Ness Monster might be. I would like of course to think there really is a monster and then there may well be. A lot of people think itís beavers swimming tail to mouth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes that was. So his beavers tail to mouth caused him to hesitate and there are 40 seconds left for the Loch Ness Monster Clement starting now.

CF: There was recently an American who commissioned a small naval craft which was submerged beneath the water. And in this he attempted to find whether or not such an animal existed, financed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, the American didnít actually get into it. He arranged for other people to do so.

NP: Kenneth...

CF: The man who did so was an American!

NP: Kenneth Iím going to say that you have a point for that and er because we havenít heard enough from you about the Loch Ness Monster and the others are not very keen on the subject! And there are 27 seconds left starting now.

KW: This of course has never been proved to exist. We are left with some very blurred dreary old photographs, and some very wandering garbled testimony from people who seem to me to be out of their minds half the time. But there you are, mythology of course springs up around strange incidents. And recently when somebodyís chimney caught alight next to me...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well deviation heís talking about someoneís chimney. A long way from Scotland!

NP: Yes I think that chimney was a bit far from the old monster donít you! I think it would very soon have gone out too if itíd been smoking. Derek I give you a point, one second left for the Loch Ness Monster starting now.

DN: In the Book of Revolution...

WHISTLE

NP: As you can see once again, if youíre clever enough to get in just before the 60 seconds are up you can always get an extra point. Derek has got two more but heís still one behind Clement Freud who is still in the lead. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. Something that I know you can talk about extraordinarily well Kenneth, the finest human qualities. Will you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I could talk about them, because I possess them! I would say the finest in the listing would have to be altruism. I think I am one of the most altruistic people...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition.

KW: No I said altruism and the second was altruistic.

NP: Yes he did.

KW: Why donít you listen!

CF: You didnít give me a chance...

NP: Actually I tell you Kenneth, he was listening so well, he anticipated the challenge and he challenged you on altru!

KW: Yes thatís right!

NP: He didnít get the tistic out!

KW: Yes you see thatís right, what you said Nick, youíre right! You donít mind me saying Nick?

NP: I donít mind what you say! Youíre liable to say anything at any time! So suddenly to apologise for saying Nick...

KW: Well I mean the shortened version is a bit impertinent, one should say Nicholas!

NP: There are 45 seconds left for altru... no thereís not, there are 45 seconds left for the finest human qualities starting now.

KW: Then we would have to come to truth and goodness and beauty. Of course I have all these three! An abundance or as some people would say...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

KW: ... the embarrassment of riches...

DN: Deviation...

KW: You see Iím embarrassed by my own riches, you see! I see heís hanging on my words!

NP: Yes one person was hanging on my words but weíre all waiting to find out what Derekís challenge was actually!

DN: Well I wouldnít, deviation, I wouldnít dispute goodness and beauty but I would dispute truth! I think heís not truthful!

NP: So you think...

DN: A little fibber!

NP: That while you agree that Kenneth has many qualities and he has some in abundance, he hasnít got truth in abundance. Heís proved in this game because we have to be very untruthful sometimes at playing this game. So a very clever challenge Derek, I give you a point and 33 seconds left for the finest human qualities starting now.

DN: Of course I think really this is one of the subjects which one shouldnít treat too lightly. Itís so easy...

BUZZ

NP: Diane Hart why have you challenged?

DH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes heíd got so slow he had almost hesitated, hadnít he?

DH: Yes I think so.

NP: Playing the game a bit too sharply for once. So Diane you have a point, you have 27 seconds for the finest human qualities starting now.

DH: Well I donít think Iíve ever met anybody with the finest human qualities. And the way Clay Freud is looking at me from over there, I donít think Iíll live long enough...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís got nothing to do with the finest human qualities.

KW: You havenít got anything to do with the finest human qualities?

CF: The way, the way Iím looking at her has got nothing to do with fine human qualities.

NP: It might...

DH: Well youíre so sexy it put me off!

KW: Ooooh!

CF: Well in that case yes! Yes!

KW: Oooohhh Ďere! Ooooh! Itís all going on Ďere!

NP: Before Diane came out, I was about to say she has endowed Clement with different human qualities because we do believe he has some! So Diane you have a point and 17 seconds left for the finest human qualities starting now.

DH: Well I live in hopes that one day I shall meet a gorgeous man whoís tall and beautiful and er sexy...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes there was. She got stuck on this chap, she got this image in her mind and couldnít go any further!

DH: Quite right!

NP: Derek you have another point and nine seconds left for the finest human qualities starting now.

DN: The finest human qualities are set out very clearly in St Paulís letter to the Corinthians, chapter 13 when he says "though I speak in the tongues of men and of angels and I have not loved...

WHISTLE

NP: The words of St Paul there quoted by Derek means that as the whistle went he gets another point and he has a lead of two at the end of that round ah over all the others. Derek will you begin the next round, keeping the peace, itís a subject I should talk about for 60 seconds really isnít it! Anyway Derek will you try starting now.

DN: Curious you should ask me to speak about keeping the peace because it reminds me of something which Iím not terribly proud of. A few months ago I was staying at a house in Lincolnshire, and after dinner one evening we sat down to play a game of chess. And we started off, I started off with an interesting gambit...

BUZZ

NP: Diane why have you challenged?

DH: Repetition, he started off twice!


NP: Yes he did!

DN: True! True!

NP: Yes he never got going at all did he! Forty-three seconds for you Diane on the subject of keeping the peace starting now.

DH: Well there is a piece that people keep which I think is absolutely disgusting. And somebody I know had a child who had one of these. And she called it the sucky blanket which apparently the child wouldnít go to bed without... waaaah!

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged. Why?

DN: Hesitation. Diane youíve got to keep going even you know at the risk of repeating yourself because otherwise you get had for hesitation. Derek you have another point and 23 seconds for keeping the peace starting now.

DN: The chessmen were of the finest ivory construction and laid with gold and mother of pearl. Theyíd come from India. Theyíd been brought by my friendís grandmother some little time before. When we started this interesting game a funny thing happened. That I said "check" and therefore I was able to take his queenís bishop...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well I think itís totally devious, itís nothing to do with keeping the peace.

NP: All right then.

DN: What happened then was I took the bishop, I put it into my pocket by mistake and kept the piece!

NP: Yeah but youíd taken such a long time...

DN: Iím telling the story!

NP: Yeah but it took you so long to get there, it was utterly devious on the way. So Kenneth has another point and there are three seconds left for keeping the peace Kenneth starting now.

KW: It is the duty of course of the police to keep the peace! And a marvelous job they do!

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Kenneth was speaking when the whistle went then, he gains an extra point and heís now in third place behind the other two, Derek is still leading. Diane will you begin the next round, the subject is serendipity. Can you talk on that strange subject for 60 seconds starting now.

DH: I donít think I can talk about it at all frankly! I think as far as I remember itís discovering something by accident and being very happy about it. Well once I had a baby, thatís not what was the serendipity about it. Um but I was offered a play and I said to this specialist "may I go and rehearse next week?" And he said "no of course you canít. I mean youíve just had this baby." So I said "well er ah I canít pay you...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, alas there was and there was a repetition of the baby too wasnít there?

DH: Yeah I know!

NP: Anyway um and those will know that Diane has actually repeated that process, she has two children. But anyway...

DH: That was serendipity!

NP: Well said Diane, well said! Thirty seconds, Clement has another point, 30 seconds left for serendipity Clement starting now.

CF: Serendipity is a quality which I have in abundance. You only have to see my family, my aunts and uncles, my loving mother and my well intentioned father who used to beat me unmercilessly when I was small...

BUZZ

NP: Diane why have you challenged?

DH: Not serendipity if he was beating him!

NP: No it wasnít, indeed no!

CF: Iím a masochist!

DH: Ah! Well yes it was then!

NP: And weíve already established those wonderful human qualities that you had earlier on, so you canít be a masochist and have wonderful human qualities. So Diane has another point and there are 14 seconds left for serendipity starting now.

DH: So anyway this speacilaist let me go to work bu... but my tummy stuck up...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes your tummy was hesitating you. There are 10 seconds left for you Clement on serendipity starting now.

CF: Three of us running down a beach in Suffolk, one summer...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, three of them!

NP: I think thatís one occasion and the audience agree where I give you a bonus point for cleverness, leave the subject with Clement, eight seconds left, serendipity starting now.

CF: And the sun shone and the circus had moved into the nearest town, a ten pound note stuck on the roundabout...

WHISTLE

NP: In spite of that Derek you still have a lead at the end of that round, itís only one. But Kenneth Williams your turn to begin again, having a field day. You have one regularly in this show Kenneth so think about that thought and talk for 60 seconds on it starting now.

KW: Well of course oneís mind automatically connects with fields when this expression is used. And I have done one or two things in fields none of which I would really recount with very much zest. On the other hand camping has figured largely in my activities. And I remember we had to do these outside latrines and erect these mesh things all round, you see, so that people could do it without undue prodigality as they say. And there we were, and the scout...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was a fullstop. Clement now you take over the subject with 21 seconds left for having a field day starting now.

CF: This is really one of my favourite ways of spending an afternoon. I run around touching a leg here, gripping an arm there, embracing a woman, perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, why have you...

KW: Deviation! Itís a load of filth! All about feeling ladies legs! I mean!

CF: Thatís the question! Thatís the subject!

KW: What? Field day, feeling peopleís legs!

CF: Feeled day!

NP: The idea of you Clement running round and touching...

CF: Feeled day!

KW: Well I havenít come along here to listen to things like that!

NP: So at the end having had all that touching you see Iím really felt it over! So what do we do?

CF: Thatís my...

NP: Itís a very clever interpretation of the word, isnít it! I have to play the game...

DH: I told you he was sexy!

NP: So Clement Freud has another point and six seconds for having a field day starting now.

CF: With my hand stroking the small of her back...

DH: Ooooh!

CF: .. and her hands touching...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Well itís absolutely disgusting! You canít let him go on stroking small backs!

NP: Absolutely agree Derek!

DN: Up and down the legs and everywhere heís going!

NP: Iím not going to let him go on any longer!

DN: Disgusting!

NP: All right well...

DH: Can I go and sit beside him there?

DN: No you canít, heís already booked actually!

NP: Heís got Kenneth Williams beside him!

DH: Ohhh, shame!

NP: Please we canít go any further with Clement Freudís feeling days! So we have one second left for you Derek on having a field day starting now.

DN: Having a field day!

WHISTLE

NP: We alas have come to the end of Just A Minute. Itís alas because perhaps we should have finished on a more note of better tone. But let me tell you the result. Diane Hart was just in fourth place, just behind Kenneth Williams, whoís in third place. Derek Nimmo was way ahead of them both in second place and Clement Freudís activities in that field, which we do not wish to dwell any further upon, gave him a lead at the end of the last round and makes him the winner this week, Clement Freud! We do hope the audience here in the nicest sense of the word have had a field day. And we hope the listeners may have had a field day here from listening to the show. From all of us here goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.