JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,MKarlin
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and MIRIAM KARLIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 December 1969)

NOTE: Nicholas Parsons's 50th appearance, Clement Freud's 50th appearance, Miriam Karlin's last appearance, David Hatch's 50th show as producer, Ian Messiter's 50th appearance blowing the whistle.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Miriam Karlin in Just A Minute, and as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And we welcome to the show Miriam Karlin whoís joined these three other old campaigners at the game. And theyíre all going to try and speak at different times for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating in any way from the subject. And if one of the others thinks they are guilty of one of these crimes, they may challenge and gain a point for themselves or otherwise. And if youíre not sure how we score, I hope it will become obvious as we play the game. Derek Nimmo, will you begin, the subject is makeup. Will you try and speak for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Makeup can be used either as a verb really or as a noun. I shall take the former first. It is really the process of currying favour or acting in an obsequious manner when youíre trying to obtain some sort of reward from somebody. As exemplified really by the way that Clement Freud behaves towards Nicholas Parsons! Whenever he wants to try and gain an extra point on a dubious challenge, he makes up to Nicholas Parsons...

BUZZ

DN: Repetition of Nicholas Parsons!

NP: Kenneth Williams, youíve challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well heís taken the words out of my mouth! It was that.

DN: I managed to correct it, you see, before, so thatís all right.

NP: Itís not all right, Iím afraid Derek, I agree with Kenneth Williamsí challenge, that means he gains a point, the first point to be awarded, and he takes over the subject of makeup and there are 34 seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: It is one of the most disgusting...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Isshk! Hesitation!

NP: Hesitation, I agree that was a hesitation, Derek, so you gain a point and there are 32 seconds for makeup starting now.

DN: Of course as a noun it is something which people, mainly ladies, and very often gentlemen these days Iím ashamed to say...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I donít think there was hesitation, it was bordering on it, teetering on it. Iím not going to be intimidated by the audience, no, no, no, Derek Nimmo has another point and there are 29 seconds left for makeup starting now.

DN: When I go into my dressing room in the theatre of an evening I put a little bit of greasepaint on my face really. Number Five or perhaps Number Nine. I then put a Carmen liner on top of my eyes and black underneath. I put on my toupee which I keep to one side...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why did you challenge?

KW: Put on three times.

NP: Yes he did put on rather a lot, didnít he? So Kenneth you have another point and you take over the subject, there are 12 seconds left for makeup starting now.

KW: Makeup is one of the most revolting aspects of this age! And of course meretricious. This must be borne in mind when any discussion of it takes place. Cosmetics...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: I donít quite understand, deviation, how can it be, how can it be revolting and meretricious?

NP: Yes it is rather difficult.

KW: Well I mean we canít go off on to a great thing on semantics. Weíve got to play the game!

DN: They do seem to be rather...

NP: I donít know whether it can be meretricious and revolting. So Iím going to put it to the audience and let them be the...

KW: They donít know anyway!

NP: As I donít know either Iím going to let them judge!

KW: I can tell you!

NP: No, Iím not going to let you tell me or Derek, Iím going to let the audience judge. If you agree with Derekís challenge will you please cheer and if you disagree will you please boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think they disagree. So Kenneth you have another point, there are two seconds left for makeup starting now.

KW: The face needs...

BUZZ

NP: Miriam Karlin, youíve challenged, why?

MIRIAM KARLIN: Oh, um, well I...

NP: Derek, Kenneth Williams has another point, one second left Kenneth for makeup starting now.

KW: The face needs no adornment, itís lovely as it is!

WHISTLE

NP: And Miriam, Iím sure, was trying the trick that so many of them try and that is to try and challenge just before the whistle goes because you can get not only another point for that but a point for speaking while the whistle goes.

MK: Thatís right, you read my mind!

NP: Yes but you werenít successful, bad luck Miriam. Kenneth gets that extra point for speaking as the whistle goes. And at the end of the first round he has a very commanding lead over all the others. So letís see how we continue. Clement Freud, weíd love to hear from you...

CLEMENT FREUD: Good evening.

NP: And will you now try and talk for Just A Minute on the subject of empathy starting now.

CF: Empathy is the sort of thing that children who canít pronounce their sís say when they actually mean sympathy. If you look up the word in the Oxford English Dictionary or similar volumes, it is possible that you will find it described as a feeling of affinity between two people which is more one of mental attraction than one of actual physical communion.

BUZZ

CF: I think Iíll stop here.

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation on the grounds he packed up!

NP: He not only packed up, so it was hesitation, Derek, so you gain a point and you take over the subject, there are 33 seconds for empathy starting now.

DN: Of course I have the most tremendous empathy for Kenneth Williams. I find we are kindred spirits in so many ways, itís quite extraordinary. I have this great overwhelming attraction which I find quite unbearable sometimes! Iím waiting on a number 49 bus and I thought to myself I have an empathy for that man! And do you know, when I came to the theatre, what did I see? Nothing but hatred and an overwhelming disdain from him! And all the time the empathyís bubbling up inside me...

BUZZ

NP: Miriam Karlin. Miriam you challenged his bubbling just before he went on the boil!

MK: Yes I hated to interrupt but he did...

DN: I wasnít too keen on it either really!

MK: ...repeat empathy at least three times!

NP: Miriam as you are next to him, I think you can be the only judge of how many times he said it, so I will accept your word...

MK: I donít particularly want to speak about it but er...

KW: Youíll have to now, dear, youíll have to!

NP: You have the subject now, you challenged, youíre in with the subject...

MK: How many seconds?

NP: And there are seven seconds for empathy starting now.

MK: Well er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek?

MK: Yes. Youíre quite right!

DN: Hesitation!

NP: Derek you have a point and there are five seconds for empathy starting now.

DN: Sometimes when you find someone with a brain...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: From his former lunatic attachment with Kenneth Williams!

NP: It is certainly deviation from that, but it is not deviation within the game. So therefore all that can happen is that Derek gets another point and there are three seconds left for empathy Derek starting now.

DN: Actually of course if you look in Websterís Dictionary, you will find...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmoís bubbling has put him right on the boil to the extent of taking the lead at the end of that round, he has a lead of one over Kenneth Williams. Miriam Karlin, will you begin the next round, throwing a party. That is the subject, will you speak about it for Just A Minute starting now.

MK: Well I was sitting, minding my own business in Regents Park very quietly, sitting watching the ducks, and in the, watching going past in the pond. And suddenly this party came up to me, accosted me, and said something very rude in my teeny lughole. So I got hold of him, you see, having learnt the jujitsu and how to do it and all that clever stuff, because Iíve been watching that programme on the television where they do it in black leather. And so I decided to take a course of that, you see. And it came in very very handy indeed. Because after this party had said something extremely rude in my teensy whatsit, I heard...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, he said something funny in her teeny whatsit!

NP: Do you...

DN: No, hesitation!

NP: I donít think you can change a challenge!

KW: No, you canít, no.

NP: No, no. It was certainly not deviation for her teeny whatsit!

KW: No, no!

MK: I mean I didnít repeat...

NP: Yes I could have given it to you for hesitation but you were too late with your ideas. So Miriam has another point and there are 17 seconds for throwing a party, Miriam, starting now.

MK: So I took him up, picked him and chucked him in the...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Sheís already done that, and is spitting all over Derek Nimmo!

MK: I havenít touched him yet!

NP: No she hadnít actually.

MK: I hadnít...

NP: She told us what she intended to do!

MK: Exactly!

NP: Oh, Iím with you Miriam, itís all right!

MK: Okay.

NP: As far as I remember she told us what she intended to do, she hadnít actually done anything yet with this party. He could have done what the hell he liked by this time, couldnít he! So anyway Miriam you continue for 13 seconds, throwing a party starting now.

MK: And I chucked him in the canal! And he...

BUZZ

MK: ... was floating there and struggling around...

NP: Miriam youíve been challenged.

MK: Oh really?

DN: Itís just right, but it was repetition of chucked.

NP: Yes, she did chuck before, so this time Derek has a point. There are 10 seconds Derek for throwing a party starting now.

DN: Everyone back to my place, I cry! And they all come bubbling back on motorcycles and motorcars, scooters and everything. They draw up outside my door...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams, you challenged, why?

KW: Repetition, the word motor twice.

DN: Oh no!

NP: Motorcycles, motorcars. Yes.

DN: Theyíre all one word.

NP: Theyíre hyphenated words, arenít they? Theyíre not...

DN: I think this is really quibbling! Youíre always...

KW: Youíve got to look to the chairman! Youíve got to have rules! Nicholas Parsons has got to be the presiding ruler!

NP: You havenít heard what, you havenít heard what decision Iím going to give!

KW: No, but Iím sure it will be just!

NP: Ian Messiter, you thought of the game, where does a hyphen stand in this game?

IAN MESSITER: If theyíre hyphenated, then theyíre a different word, motorcar is not a motorcycle.

NP: Right, thatís the way, that means that Kenneth Williams has a point and there are four seconds...

CF: No, no!

DN: No, no, you misheard him actually.

KW: Donít interrupt the chairman in a ruling! He knows, that Messiterís no good either!

NP: All right Derek Nimmo has a point. A good chairman is always allowed to change his mind.

KW: Of course he is! Quite right darling!

NP: So Derek you have another point and there are four seconds left for throwing a party...

KW: Lovely chairman!

NP: ...starting now.

DN: I open a bottle of Louis Sanjour 1964, put a great plank in the cork, and there the people come, and they say...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Derek Nimmo was speaking once again as the whistle went, he gets another point and his hyphens have gained him extra points. So he has a very definite lead over the others at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams, will you begin the next round, absolute bliss. Iím sure youíve experienced it, you might even have experienced it quite recently. But tell us about it now, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: This of course would differ according to the person. An alcoholic would doubtless find absolute bliss if he was locked in a brewery. I find it in the realm of poetry. Indeed as Tennyson says, infinite bliss was Lancelotís in one kiss from Guinevere. Oh that moves you, doesnít it? Wasnít that really blissful? Doesnít that make you think in terms of heavenly peace and contentment? Which is what the word is about...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, why have you challenged?

CF: It doesnít!

NP: But it might to Kenneth Williams! So I think Iím only fair to leave it with Kenneth, and say..

CF: You mean that was a rhetorical question? You didnít really want an answer at all?

KW: Well, no...

NP: Try and answer it now, there are 24 seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: Ah, I donít think I can go on!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo got in first that time!

DN: Well hesitation.

NP: You got another point Derek, there are 21 seconds for absolute bliss starting now.

DN: Lying in a field of clover, with my head cushioned upon the grass, I look up into the sky...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: If itís a field of clover, he canít have his head cushioned on the grass!

NP: So there are 14 seconds for you Clement having gained your first point which is very unusual for you, but we often know you to be a late starter, 14 seconds, absolute bliss, starting now.

CF: My idea of absolute bliss is sitting at a long table with a white cloth, a knife, a fork, a spoon, a glass of wine and thou. Thou doesnít always come...

BUZZ

NP: Derek you challenged.

DN: Well two people, two thous.

NP: Yes a very definite statement, thou. So we have to give you a point on that Derek and say there are two seconds for absolute bliss starting now.

DN: Looking up at the swirling cloud...

WHISTLE

NP: Once again Derek got in, when the whistle, just before the whistle went, gained himself two more points and giving himself an even longer lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round, tiddlywinks. Will you talk on that delightful pastime starting now.

CF: Itís an extraordinary thing, but if anyone says tiddlywinks, people always laugh. And thereís no good reason for this, because as a game, it is one that has enjoyed popularity at universities and in institutions for many centuries in this country and elsewhere. There is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

CF: Donít you want to hear about this game?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Kenneth, you have the subject, 42 seconds for tiddlywinks starting now.

KW: This is a game played with curious little discs. Itís something that Iíve seen being done, but I have never indulged in myself. Because Iíve always thought that the kind of people who play it are slightly deficient mentally! Well, you have to tiddle, and they wink in return you see, as you do the aforesaid motions with these little discs on the actual board...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition of disc.

NP: Yes weíve had disc before, Kenneth. So...

KW: Iíve got a slipped one!

NP: Seventeen and a half seconds for you Derek on tiddlywinks starting now.

DN: Well I think the best way to play the game is if you have the red counters, you put them on the table, press with the large one on one of the smaller ones, which leaps into the air, and you hope it will go into the receptacle that you put there for that purpose...

WHISTLE

NP: Derekís vivid description of a game of tiddlywinks takes him even further into the lead at the end of that round. Kenneth will you begin the next round, friendship. Will you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.

KW: This is something Iím particularly adept at describing. Itís about sharing, and this probably is what the whole of life really amounts to. Perhaps it was best expressed by George Eliot in that lovely passage, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a position, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words, but pour it all out, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away. And I first read that in 1952. And I thought it summed up friendship in a most poetic way, and probably the most beautiful way. Oh Iíve said way twice!

BUZZ

NP: You were saying it so beautifully though Kenneth! I think they might have overlooked your transgression and let you go on just to hear you! But Clement Freud got in with his challenge and there are 13 seconds left for friendship starting now.

CF: My greatest friendship did in fact take place in George Eliotís passage, late one evening, when we met one another and our eyes held, hers blue, mine green. I...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went he gains yet another point and heís now in third place. Derek will you begin the next round, lending a hand. Thereís a delightful subject for you to talk on if you can for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I think itís awfully important if one can to lend a hand as one goes through life, particularly to friends. I remember particularly when I was first married...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Two particulars.

NP: There were two particulars yes. Very cleverly spotted Kenneth. And there are 51 seconds left for lending a hand, Kenneth Williams, starting now.

KW: Well to lend a hand is a very gallant thing indeed. Because the assumption must be that you are going to be without one for some time! And therefore it is something I do not indulge in. And when they say "will you loan me your palm?" I say categorically "get out of it! Youíll get nothing out of me!" I cry! And consequently I have a reputation....

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation because heís talking about not lending a hand rather than lending a hand.

KW: That is true! Itís very valid! Quite valid!

NP: Derek Nimmo, Kenneth admits you have a point and you take over the subject of lending a hand with 23 seconds left starting now.

DN: Living in my first home with my spouse, one night we were lying in bed together...

BUZZ

NP: Derek, Kenneth Williams, why...

KW: Deviation!

NP: Kenneth I disagree, thereís nothing devious about lying in bed...

KW: Lending a hand! Laying in bed!

NP: I must in all fairness leave it with Derek and say there are 18 seconds left for lending a hand Derek starting now.

DN: I had taken back with me that night Archie Andrews, and I was working with Peter Brough at the time. And he had a spare hand attached to his body. And as I was lying there with my aforesaid lawful wedded wife, I put one hand on her shoulder, another hand on her leg...

BUZZ

DN: ... and I put the third hand...

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? May I ask if that was an anticipatory challenge? Is his challenge in anticipation justified, Derek?

DN: Not at all! It was just that when she counted there were three hands she screamed rather loudly! It just happens to be true!

NP: So Clement Freud...

DN: Itís a change to tell the truth on this programme!

NP: Why are you challenging Clement?

CF: Too many hands. Repetition of hand.

NP: That is absolutely right, thereís too many hands, yes. The subject is lending a hand, you can repeat that more than once but you canít...

DN: Well I had to, the story had three hands, there wouldnít be any point if Iíd only said one!

NP: Anyway there are three seconds left for you Clement on lending a hand starting now.

CF: Coming out of Waterloo Station late one summerís evening...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the situationís still the same. Derek is still in the lead. Kenneth is following, Clement behind that and Miriam trailing a little.

MK: Oh!

NP: Clement will you talk to us for 60 seconds about making coffee starting now.

CF: Making coffee is a very simple thing and there are more snobs who tell you more untrue things than almost any other subject. Ideally what you need is a saucepan, some water, some reasonably well ground coffee, and heat which turns the water to a temperature at which it dissolves the coffee, where after it can be percolated into a jug before it is placed in a cup. But there are those...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: This is rather dreary! All this mumbling on!

NP: However dreary it may be it is still playing the game. So Derek, Clement gets another point and there are 32 seconds left Clement, making coffee starting now.

CF: But there are actually people who appear on television programmes who advise you to purchase green beans and roast them yourself. And when theyíve become the required powder...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I quite agree Kenneth. You take over the subject of making coffee with 21 seconds left starting now.

KW: The best thing to do is get your instant brand, put a teaspoonful in the cup...

BUZZ

NP: Clement why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation, itís quite clearly not the best thing!

KW: Iím making the coffee dear! You done your bit with all that percolating!

NP: This is one of those very difficult things. I would agree with Clement Freud because I think his is much better coffee. But on the other hand Kenneth Williams may prefer the other kind of coffee. So what do I do? Iíll leave it to you, may I? If you agree on this coffee issue with Clement Freud and his challenge, would you cheer? If you disagree will you boo. And will you all do it together now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They all like that filthy muck that you like!

CF: Philistines!

NP: So there we are! They are the final judges in this show. And there are 18 seconds left for you Kenneth Williams, making coffee starting now.

KW: And then you pour into the made cup of coffee, the milk or cream. Cream...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Double cream.

NP: Double cream, yes! Yes thatís right. Clement has a point and he takes over the subject with 10 seconds left starting now.

CF: Some people take sugar, and some not. And the Turks...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Two somes. Some people take sugar and some not.

CF: Oh!

NP: Yes but weíve never challenged on somes and ifs and ands and buts and these before, no. No I think what Iíll do Kenneth, I donít think we can have it for some. I think weíll just forget about that and there are six seconds left for Clement Freud, still talking about making coffee starting now.

CF: Some people take sugar, and some not. And the Turks...

BUZZ

NP: Derek youíve challenged.

DN: Repetition of those Turks.

NP: Not only the Turks but...

DN: And the somes! And the not!

NP: Yes once he said somes twice, but if you say it four times itís repetition. So Derek you have another point and there are two seconds for making coffee starting now.

DN: A lovely silver pot into which I put...

WHISTLE

NP: Well this is turning out to be a battle I think between Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams. Thereís about two or three points between them and Derek is still in the lead at the end of that round. Miriam Karlin will you begin the next round, chocolate sponge. Will you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

MK: And a terrible mess it makes in the bath too! I personally prefer a coffee loofer with which to scrub my back. But since the subject was coff... chocolate...

BUZZ

NP: Derek why have you challenged?

DN: Blancmange!

NP: Yes hesitation alas, because we were fascinated with her chocolate sponge in the bath...

MK: Itís so fun!

NP: There are 47 seconds for chocolate sponge Derek starting now.

DN: I prefer to buy mine from a certain shop in Piccadilly. I go there and I hand some cab with outriders and two livery footmen...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, itís not about chocolate sponge, itís about how he goes to a shop and hands...

DN: To buy my chocolate sponge.

NP: Yes, to buy his chocolate sponge.

DN: To buy my chocolate...

NP: I donít believe that he goes to buy a chocolate sponge with outriders! I think that is a very devious way of buying any chocolate sponge. So Kenneth you have a point and there are 40 seconds left for chocolate sponge starting now.

KW: Chocolate sponge should be as light as a souffle. And coated over with this delicious nectarines as you might say. And the teeth sink into this succulent, this piquancy. And all the muck clings to your lips, and the gelatinous glue like sweetness of it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Well if itís as light as a soufflť, it canít be gelatinous muck-glue!

NP: There are 16 seconds, chocolate sponge, Clement, starting now.

CF: By far the best way of making this is with chocolate sponge powder. You simply purchase the commodity, add water and pour it into a greased basin, where after the pre-heated oven receives the goodies and cooks it...

WHISTLE

NP: I never thought Iíd hear so much twaddle about chocolate sponge in all my life! But that is the end, not only of the round, but also the end of the game, alas! And at the end of that game Miriam Karlin was fourth, Clement Freud for once was third, Kenneth Williams was a very very keen good second. But he didnít manage to catch up and beat this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! We do hope that youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here goodbye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.