JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,RAlan
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and RAY ALAN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 May 1979)

NOTE: Ray Alan's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Ray Alan in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we welcome back Ray Alan, the great ventriloquist to do battle with our three regular competitors of the game. And as usual Iím going to ask them to speak if they can on a subject I will give them, and theyíre going to try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo, if I were not a thespian. Will you tell us something about that... the audience are laughing. Maybe they donít think the situation applies! But will you try and talk on it in 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: I think that if I were not a thespian, Iíd like to be a follower of Martin Luther. A pastor, a missionary perhaps, delving into deepest Africa to seek converts, to bring them to...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well I donít know what heís talking about! I mean heís talking about Martin Luther going into darkest Africa! I mean he was nowhere near Africa! Iíve never heard such rubbish in my life! Deviation!

NP: Yes, Martin Luther...

DN: I did say a follower of Martin Luther.

NP: You were slightly devious there, and weíre going to ask Kenneth to tell us something about the subject. If I were not a thespian, Kenneth, there are 46 seconds left starting now.

KW: I would have fancied myself in the ballet! Because I could have done the odd twirlet and the pirouette and disappeared in a flurry of talcum powder which I think would be rather nice. I once was in a situation where it was demanded that I appear to be a ba...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter, so weíre going to hear from you now on this subject. There are 29 seconds left, if I were not a thespian Peter starting now.

PJ: I think I should have probably gone into politics. Because I think those sterling qualities which I have in such abundance and which Iím sure Kenneth will support me in claiming...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Deviation! I donít support him at all! Sterling qualities! All he does in this game is cheat by coming in at the last minute to try and get a point after Iíve done a lot of hard work!

PJ: It wasnít the last minute!

KW: Why should I call him sterling? Nothing sterling about him! Heís up to every cheap trick in the book!

NP: So what is your challenge Kenneth?

KW: No, nothing because heíd be ideal! Heíd be ideal for politics, wouldnít he!

NP: So you... You just objected to what he said which wasnít a correct challenge and so Peter gets a point for that... no Peter gets a point, youíve given it to Derek! Peter gets a point, oh Ian Messiterís falling asleep beside me now! Um Peter...

DN: Iím not surprised sitting next to you! Iíd get sleepy!

NP: Every time! The ruder they get the more you laugh! Youíre a rotten audience! Whereíd you come from? Twenty seconds, Peter Jones, on if I were not a thespian starting now.

PJ: I should have had to form my own party, Iím afraid, because I donít think any of the other existing ones would have let me in. So having done that I should have taken part in an election and perhaps been with it...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Ray Alan! Ray Alan pressed his buzzer! Ray this is very unexpected, why have you challenged?

RAY ALAN: Well you see, he was, he was hesitating...

NP: No heíd gone right yes, right off the subject of thespians onto politics...

RA: Right off, yes, he was hesitating in his own subject, which heíd changed...

NP: No...

RA: Heíd gone onto another subject...

NP: What you said before was right! Heíd gone off the subject!

RA: Heíd gone into another subject which is nothing at...

NP: Thatís right!

RA: ...all to do with being a thespian.

PJ: Well it hadnít, it wasnít supposed to do with being a thespian!

RA: No but you canít be a politician and not a...

NP: Thatís right, donít say anything more Ray!

RA: How can I get to sleep! I mean Iíve got Kenneth Williams jumping up and down next to me! Iím trying to have 40 winks while he was talking! Youíve woken me up and Iím, Iím cross now!

NP: I noticed that hand that usually goes up Lord Charles is back. Itís moving all the time, itís very difficult for you.

RA: Yes, thatís why Kenneth Williams keeps jumping up and down!

NP: Ray weíre going to hear from you on the subject now, there are eight seconds left, if I were not a thespian...

RA: What is it, if I were not, oh yes...

NP: Will you start now.

RA: Well if I wasnít, I suppose... well I donít know if I am really, because in the true sense of the word, no perhaps I am not. But if...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Deviation! He is!

RA: No!

KW: Youíre an actor, actingís what...

RA: Oh yes but you see I consider....

KW: Well we canít have a...

RA: ... you a great thespian!

KW: Well yes! A great diplomat!

NP: But nonetheless Kenneth I agree with the challenge...

RA: He agrees with the challenge!

NP: I agree with the challenge because in the strictest sense of the word Ray Alan is a thespian. So you have one second on the subject Kenneth starting now.

KW: I would have gone down the sewers!

WHISTLE

KW: And cleaned them out for the public!

NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking then as the whistle went, much to the delight of our audience because it means he got an extra point for doing so, and heís now in the lead!

KW: Oh how gratifying! How very gratifying!

NP: You now know why we have Kenneth Williams in the show, because if we didnít, we probably wouldnít have an audience. So Kenneth Williams your fan clubís here and will you take the next subject, itís my undoing. And if youíve not already been undone by some of the things youíve said in this programme, nowís your chance in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: It has frequently been diction and of course I have trouble with hooks and eyes. Iíve always felt theyíre looking at me when Iím trying to undo them. And so in a sense that has been my undoing. I was very glad when the zip fasteners come in, I can tell you. They can tell you all this rubbish about the value of fly buttons and the fact that they do stay on, at least in some degree, whereas the zip can break completely. Well now that is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of zip.

NP: Yes, you mentioned the word...

KW: No zip fasteners first and then zip. See, zip fasteners is hyphenated, you great nit!

PJ: I had this, I had this vivid picture of Kenneth being glad when they came in, which was in about 1913.

KW: Yes! Oh yes, you can laugh! Oh youíre very clever! Yes!

NP: Kenneth you had a wrong challenge...

KW: Thank you, yes.

NP: Because it was a hyphenated word...

KW: Very good chairman! Yes!

NP: There are 29 seconds...

DN: Very difficult, itís very difficult to hear a hyphen, thatís the only problem.

NP: My undoing, starting now.

KW: You mean to say that you regard zip fasteners as being unhyphenated?

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: You did say zip fasteners previously.

NP: Yes you repeated the whole word then. Yes I did say youíd started. There are 25 seconds left Derek, the subject is my undoing starting now.

DN: My undoing was one foggy morning when staying at Balmoral. I wandered through a forest and came along a lonely Corgi, and tripped. And as my nose crunched on the ground, I felt the beast was dead beneath me. I picked it up in my arms and then feeling it being cold and rapidly chilling, I secreted it under my kilt...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the thespian was at work there, to hold you with dramatic tension and keep going until the whistle went. Derek Nimmo, youíre now in the lead alongside Kenneth Williams. Ray Alan, your turn to begin, the subject is what I think of the one next to me. Weíve already established for the listeners at home that the one directly beside him at the moment is Kenneth Williams. We know in real life, a lot of us who have seen him with his ventriloquist Lord Charles, he does have other people next to him. But will you talk on the subject in Just A Minute starting now.

RA: The one sitting next to me, I can only say, is a person who I have admired since I first saw the photograph of this little cherub face, next to the great Richard Talber, on the cover of an LP. I looked at it, gazed at it with great awe, knowing that one day that face was going to blossom into what we now have...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of face.

NP: Iím afraid there was rather a lot of face there.

RA: Well he is a bit two faced, you see! And I was trying to... it was a subtle comment!

NP: Peter Jones you have a correct challenge, 33 seconds are left, what I think of the one next to me.

PJ: I suppose Iím reduced to talking about Derek Nimmo, because thereís nothing else I can talk about. Youíre not sitting next to me, are you Mr Chairman?

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, thereís a lot of things he can talk about besides that. He can talk about the tonic solphar, do-ray-me, ray is next to me. Actually Ray is next to me, in the sense...

NP: Kenneth!

PJ: Yeah but heís not next to me!

KW: I said in the tonic solphar, ray is next to me, do-ray-me-far!

NP: I think youíve gone a bit too far now Kenneth!

PJ: What I think of the one next to me, isnít it!

NP: Yes, what I think of the one next to me.

KW: The one next to me!

NP: Kenneth! Kenneth!

KW: Me! Me! The one next to me! Me! Me!

PJ: Oh thatís you all over!

NP: Me, me, me! Kenneth!

PJ: Thatís always... me, me, me, thatís you all over!

NP: Listen Mimi! Itís your turn, Iím giving you the er point for the correct challenge, because he was deviating by talking about me then, and, meaning me here, and now itís you over there who says Mimi and there are 27 seconds left for what the subject is, what I think of the one next to me starting now.

KW: I hold him in the highest regard, since I had the privillege once of seeing a testimony, hand written, on his behalf, to a prospective employer. And it stated he is an upright citizen, one who can be trusted, and who in an emergency will never let you down! Be it the Gobi Desert, heíll be there with a cup of water or a thermos of hot soup...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: I canít believe this was written in a testimony about the Gobi Desert and cups of hot soup!

NP: I agree with you Derek! I donít mind who it was about, nobody would put in a testimony that somebody would be there in the Gobi Desert with a cup of water!

RA: Itís true actually! It was true!

NP: Oh well...

RA: He did see it...

KW: I saw it!

NP: Oh well done! You have the subject then Ray...

RA: I did show it to him!

NP: And there are two seconds to go, starting now.

RA: You see...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you rotten thing! But as he didnít legitimately win it last time, he couldnít illegitimately have it this time, so Ray youíve still got it, one second to go starting now.

RA: The one next to me is...

WHISTLE

NP: So Ray Alan got two unexpected points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went...

DN: Nothingís unexpected with you around!

NP: And er heís still in third place, alongside Peter Jones, behind our two joint leaders Kenneth, Kenneth Williams.... Kenneth I must explain this is not television, all those funny faces donít mean a thing to the listeners!

RA: They make me laugh!

NP: We havenít got visual radio yet!

PJ: We have! Itís called television!

NP: You took it away from me!

PJ: Oh sorry! I didnít want it!

NP: And Derek Nimmoís in the lead with Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones, your turn to begin and the subject is having my picture taken. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

PJ: Well I was on this aeroplane, and I had the best seat with this marvelous view over the Harbour. And there were a lot of Japanese on board, each one with a camera, of course. And they made a great fuss of me and they didnít speak any English, but they kept gesticulating and smiling and everything. And I posed because I thought they wanted to take my photograph. I thought I must be on the television there...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two thoughts.

NP: Yes you were thinking rather a lot Peter alas. And there are 40 seconds left on this subject and it is having my picture taken, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: When this occurred first in my life, I was 14 and looked divine. This hair was like people said, spun gold, hanging from this lovely head! And the photographer said to me, "Iím just swooning looking! I can hardly focus straight!" But when the job was finished they pasted in the window of that studio and people were flabbergasted! And said to me "donít you look a beaut! Theyíve taken a lovely snap of you! Youíre in the window in the High Street...

BUZZ

NP: Ray Alan challenged.

RA: Window, repetition of.

NP: Yes!

KW: Oh yes, what a fool, I did say it twice!

NP: You almost framed yourself in the window there, by repeating the word. And there are five seconds left with you Ray Alan, having my picture taken starting now.

RA: Having my picture taken was always an ordeal because I find they always say to you "now lick your lips...

WHISTLE

NP: Well youíll be pleased and interested to hear at the end of that round, Kenneth Williams has taken the lead, one ahead of Derek Nimmo. Derek, your turn to begin, the subject is fancy dress balls. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I had a very nice dresser when I was working at a theatre in the Strand called Fred Watson, who sometimes used to dress up and call himself Gina Fredericks. And he started running fancy dress balls at the Lyceum Ballroom. He asked me to go along and judge one of these competitions. And when I got there I was absolutely amazed because all the fellows there were dressed up as ladies, and they were dancing one with another, very lightly on tiptoe. They looked beautiful, they looked, and I had to judge which one had the most spectacular costume. And I was told by one of the judges, given he was an old drag queen, he had hair sticking over the top of his bra, would you believe...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones...

KW: I can hardly believe what I was hearing!

NP: I think itís as well that Peter challenged when he did! What was your challenge Peter?

PJ: Well I challenged really as a public duty! But I think he did repeat judges.

NP: Yes there were, yes, yes he did repeat judges. And so letís hear from you now on the subject with 23 and a half seconds left, fancy dress balls, Peter, starting now.

PJ: Well fancy dress balls have lost a lot of their novelty in the last decade....

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Well the one I went to hadnít!

NP: Yes theyíve lost a lot of their novelty! He wasnít strictly speaking deviating from the subject because he can express his own opinion....

PJ: Thanks very much! Quite!

NP: And so wrong challenge, Peter, you still have the subject, 19 seconds are left starting now.

PJ: On account of the fact that people these days walk about wearing fancy dress a great deal of the time. Youíve only got to walk along Oxford Street and you see people, not necessarily tourists, wearing ah their native costume...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Ah hesitation.

NP: You have a correct challenge on er, there are six seconds left starting now.

DN: I love going to fancy dress balls! I always dress as a sheik these days because itís so easy to get lovely long robes in Kensington....

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went and heís er now gone one ahead of Kenneth Williams at the end of that round. And Peter Jones and Ray Alan are equal only two points behind. Kenneth your turn to begin, and the subject Alexander Pushkin, the Russian poet. You have Just A Minute to tell us something about him starting now.

KW: Well regarded by many critics as Russiaís greatest poet, he married this woman Natalia Bonjawva, and was exiled for over liberal views, as they were then described, to southern Russia and not able to return to Moscow, so they tell us, till the ascension of Nicholas the First. Perhaps the most outstanding work is the novel in verse form, Eugene Onigin. Now it would depend greatly on how you would wish this work to be pronounced, indeed how you wish it to be pronounced at all...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of wish.

NP: Yes, how and wish.

KW: I said pronounced twice, you great fool! Hahahahaha! Oh Iím very sly, I can tell you!

NP: Very foolish too, in Just A Minute, to repeat the whole sentence!

KW: I donít mind, Iím not here to score points, that doesnít worry me, Iím not here for an easy victory! Iím trying to be one better than the next man! I just come in good fellowship, a few giggles, you know what I mean! I donít mind who wins, I can take it lying down...

NP: Kenneth! Youíre just trying! To me anyway as chairman! There are 19 seconds for you Derek on the subject of Alexander Pushkin the Russian poet starting now.

DN: He spent a lot of his time in Omsk and occasionally in Tomsk. And it was there that he had this disastrous affair with a Negro lady whoíd arrived from Venezuela. And well it was because of this he was carried to a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He never had any woman who was a Negress who was married to a feller from Venezuela! Iíve never heard such fanciful rubbish! Mind you, it was funny! It did make me laugh!

NP: He said it with tremendous confidence, too, didnít he?

KW: Yes!

NP: Well done Kenneth you have seven seconds, deviation, Alexander Pushkin, the Russian poet, starting now.

KW: Heís made fun of a lot by people who donít share Russian tastes by calling him Push and then the kin and saying that we...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and heís gone back into the lead again, one ahead of Derek Nimmo. Ray Alan, your turn to begin and the subject, throwing my voice. Something that you can tell us a lot about, but will you try and do it in Just A Minute starting now.

RA: The expression, throwing my voice, is not correct in the sense that the ventriloquial fraternity will refer to it correctly as the voice illusion. Now this is often being asked to ventriloquists of course, how do you throw your voice? Well you donít. What you do is pretend and imagine that somebody is speaking to you from a distance, and then you recreate that sound in order that the listener will think the voice is coming from somewhere other than your own mouth. That... is... not why... Iíve gone...because why donít I... wouldnít....

BUZZ

RA: ... where... apart from that... and not withstanding, yes... well.... I like that...

NP: Peter Jones you challenged. I canít imagine why!

RA: Iím glad somebody did!

PJ: Well hesitation because he said heíd gone.

NP: Yes, hesitation, repetition...

RA: Hesitation, I was floundering!

PJ: Well I know!

RA: Drowning there!

NP: But you did very well for 43 seconds so...

PJ: Very good, yes.

NP: And the audience are so fascinated, they canít rush, they canít wait to get home and start throwing their voices, not throwing, no, concealing their voices. And there are 17 seconds on throwing my voice Peter starting now.

PJ: There was an advertisement in a magazine I used to read as a boy, which had an illustration of a schoolboy throwing his voice and making it seem to come out of a trunk being carried by a porter. It said "ouch! Hohoho! Yahoo!"

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Three hoes!

NP: So Derek you got in with only one second to go, with your hoes, throwing my voice starting now.

DN: I worked with Peter Brough at RTM...

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo got in just before the whistle, gained an extra point and heís now one ahead of Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones, your turn to begin, the subject, beetles. Will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Theyíre not things Iím terribly fond of, though there are people who collect them, and they pin them onto large boards. And they look at them with their microscopes...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: I think so Kenneth yes, 50 seconds with beetles with you starting now.

KW: Well the only ones I know about really are those people who used to sing those songs. And they were very popular and they said one of our greatest export earners. And I believe, were won er distinction...

BUZZ

NP: Ray Alan challenged.


RA: I would say a slight hesitation.

NP: Yes I would agree Ray.

RA: Ah slight!

NP: There are 36 seconds for you on the subject of Beatles starting now.

RA: When I was with them in Liverpool, they were always nice and polite. And they were great fun. And the fact that they became such enormous international stars didnít appear to affect them in any way at all, as far...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Thatís interesting because itís the same with me! Itís not affected me you know! Itís the same! You know, Iím no different! Quite honestly, no different now! Iíve had people whoíve said I can remember you when you were a kid in Cromer Street...

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Youíre exactly the same as you were then! You havenít changed a bit!

NP: Kenneth!

KW: Itís marvelous isnít it!

NP: I can only believe that Ray Alanís working you again! Nobody would say that about themselves! Whatís your challenge?

KW: No I just wanted to say that I chimed in, you know what I mean?

NP: Well you...

PJ: I agree, Iíve known him for many years and he hasnít changed at all.

KW: Hear hear!

PJ: He was insufferably conceited then! And so he is now!

NP: Derek have you got anything to say about Kenneth Williams? No, you havenít, all right. Kenneth... Ray you keep the subject because it was a wrong challenge and there are 40, sorry there are 22 seconds left on Beatles starting now.

RA: When they went to America it was noticeable that the Americans looked upon them as, I think I can quote, lovely unaffected lads. Well all mothers throughout America and indeed in Britain thought they were just that. And it was this image they created...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of America.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did...

PJ: I waited a bit to see if it was going to be interesting, and then I thought...

NP: Well Peter you very wittily er put the listeners right on the fact that it was quite a while ago he did repeat America. But youíre right, I spotted it, so there are three seconds for you.... listen! If the audience are going to take the same reaction to the chairman as the panelists do, thatís, thatís part of the game with them, but donít you start it as well. No, he said America twice and there are three seconds on the Beatles with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Remember how everybody got uptight about their hair? Itís...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I remember that last time Ray Alan was in the show we had a similar situation where it was a very even contest. Ray Alan is only a little way behind the others in fourth place, Peter Jones has now moved into second place, only one point behind joint leaders Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. And we canít have much longer to go. So weíll get moving and Derek itís your turn to begin, the subject, my first car. Will you tell us something about that in the game starting now.

DN: My first car was a 1937 Buick. It was very black, large and had grey seats. And I bought it in Liverpool, just off a place called Penny Lane which has associations with the Beatles indeed, come to think of it. I drove it all over our countryside and it only did eight miles to the gallon which wasnít frightfully economical as you can imagine. And I remember when I was first out in my first car I saw... petrol come...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: I thought hesitation.

NP: Yes Kenneth and er you have 36 seconds, my first car starting now.

KW: It was an old tin thing with pedals inside! And I used to propel myself along on it! And it was absolutely marvelous, I felt I was really rich. One day, donít you worry yourself matey. We all have the great Rolls and be really chiche! With a coach high, and that lovely rich smell, the aroma of a fat cigar, and the stereo, well of course they didnít have stereos in those days...

BUZZ

NP: Ray Alan challenged.

RA: Repetition of stereo.

NP: Yes indeed Ray so you have nine seconds on my first car, Ray, starting now.

RA: My first car was a spotless job. It was one of those beautiful shining things that stood in the road and I looked at it....

WHISTLE

NP: So very aptly our guest was speaking then as the whistle went, not only to get the extra point but to bring the show to an end as we have no more time. And let me quickly tell you that the final result was Ray Alan our guest came in fourth place, but he was only one point behind Peter Jones, and Peter Jones was one point behind Derek Nimmo, and Derek Nimmo was one point behind this weekís winner who was Kenneth Williams!

KW: Oh!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.