JAM:CFreud,JClary,LSmith,SWilliams
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, JULIAN CLARY, LINDA SMITH and SIMON WILLIAMS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 21 February 2000)

NOTE: Simon Williams's last appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my infinite pleasure to welcome not only our listeners throughout the world, but also the four talented and individual performers who have joined me this week to play Just A Minute. We are delighted to welcome back the completely individual and highly talented Julian Clary. And sitting beside him an individual and talented comedy performer Linda Smith. And on my right facing the audience someone who is a true individual in every sense of the word including when he plays Just A Minute, that is Clement Freud. And our fourth guest is an individual actor from the world of theatre, Simon Williams. Will you please welcome all four of them. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst who is going to help me keep score and blow a whistle when 60 seconds is up. And as usual Iím going to ask out four panelists to speak individually of course on a subject I will give them, and they will try and do that of course without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Britannia Royal Naval College at Dartmouth and we have in front of us a true naval audience representing all branches of the Navy with a lot of civilians thrown in amongst them as well for small measure. And theyíre going to cheer us on our way. As we start the show this week with Simon Williams. Simon what a subject for a feller to take for starters, powdering my nose.

SIMON WILLIAMS: Oh!

NP: Tell us something about powdering my nose in Just A Minute starting now.

SW: Well powdering my nose is to my mind an euphemism. We English people like to have euphemisms for different things, rather like we have an euphemism for sweating, which is...

BUZZ

SW: Repetition of the term euphemism.

NP: Linda you challenged first.

LINDA SMITH: Three euphemisms.

NP: Yes you repeated euphemism, so Linda you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject, you have 50 seconds available, powdering my nose starting now.

LS: When my auntie used to say "Iím just going to powdering my nose", I used to be confused because I didnít realise that she actually meant something else. How many times does that woman need to powder her nose, I used to think. Sheíll end up looking like Coco the clown...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary.

JULIAN CLARY: Two thinks.

NP: yes, she used to think. So Julian you have a correct challenge and you have a point for that and you have the subject of powdering my nose, you have 34 seconds starting now.

JC: As has already been established, the term powdering my nose has several meanings, the general, the specific and the euphemistic. The specific would mean the application...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two specifics.

NP: There were two spess... yes! You have eight seconds, powdering my nose starting now.

CF: I am going to see a man about a dog, would you like to wash your hands...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Heís deviating.

NP: Yes, the subject is powdering my nose, he gave us two other euphemisms. And this time you have got in with two seconds to go on powdering my nose, Julian, starting now.

JC: At the Groucho Club, entertainment...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. And on this occasion it was Julian Clary who is in a lead ahead of Clement Freud and Linda Smith and Simon Williams in that order. Clement Freud would you please take the next round and what a subject! Antidisestablishmentarianism. Can you talk, can you actually say it, I mean this is going to be the challenge isnít it, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I always learnt that the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog was a sentence which involved every vowel and consonant in the English language, and that antidisestablishmentarianism was the longest word in the dictionary. Now there are obviously longer er...

BUZZ

NP: Simon Williams, you challenged.

SW: I think there was a hesitation there.

NP: There was a hesitation, yes Simon. You got in with a correct challenge, you have 40 seconds, can you tell us something about antidisestablishmentarianism starting now.

SW: Contrary to public belief, I donít think that antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English dictionary. The word that is longest, the lengthiest word that is to say, in the Oxford Dictionary is in fact...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary has challenged.

JC: Repetition of Oxford.

NP: And dictionary yes.

JC: And dictionary.

NP: Itís difficult isnít it? Twenty-six seconds for you Julian, you tell us something about antidisestablishmentarianism starting now.

JC: Itís one of those meaningless phrases which you might...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: It is full of meaning!

NP: What a difficult decision to make because maybe to Julian, it doesnít, er, it has, you know, it hasnít much meaning at all, but...

CF: Meaningless means it has no meaning. And disestablishment is divorcing the right of the Prime Minister to make appointments in the church.

NP: I think youíve convinced me Clement.

JC: I was about to explain why it had no meaning.

NP: Oh thatís another problem, isnít it. Right! I think I must be just here and give the balance in favour of Clement Freud and I always redress the balance if I have an opportunity later. So Clement, a correct challenge, antidisestablishmentarianism, starting now.

CF: Antidisestablishmentarianism is what gives Her Majesty the Queen the right to interfere in politics of the church. And Iím against it...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: I donít think it is!

NP: I donít think, I donít think the word just gives her the personal right to do it. She could be involved if antidisestablishmentarianism came into existence...

JC: Would you like to redress the balance like you said you were going to?

NP: You took the very words out of my mouth! I am redressing the balance and giving the benefit of the doubt to you Julian and giving you 14, not giving you, you have 14 seconds, antidisestablishmentarianism starting now.

JC: Itís a ridiculous word that Iím not even going to attempt to get my tongue around...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I donít think it is!

NP: There I heartily disagree with you, I think it is a ridiculous word! Itís a difficult word to... Julian, I think that was an incorrect challenge, you have another point, antidisestablishmentarianism, starting now.

JC: You might hear it one day possibly by chance on The South Bank Show. I personally couldnít even...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: I donít think you would, itís gone very downmarket, the South Bank Show!

NP: I think you might hear it anyway, you could hear it on The South Bank Show. So within the rules of Just A Minute I couldnít give it against Julian. So Julian youíre leaping ahead and you have only one second on this subject starting now.

JC: I couldnít even say it!

WHISTLE

NP: So once again Julian Clary was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and has got a commanding lead at the end of the round. And Julian begins the next round, the subject, the English Riviera. Tell us something about that Julian in this game starting now.

JC: The English Riviera is the part of our country where the temperature never drops below 70 degrees, even in the midst of winter. In fact here we are in January and sitting before me are 700 navail officers wearing thongs. Some of them are a little bit snug, gentlemen, can I just say. But thatís Riviera life before you. Out there on the streets, thereís palm trees everywhere. In fact I really donít know why people bother to go abroad, if indeed theyíre going abroad for the sunshine...

BUZZ

NP: Linda you challenged.

LS: Two abroads.

NP: Yes youíve been abroad too much um Julian. So Linda youíve got in with 28 seconds, you tell us something about the English Riviera starting now.

LS: The English Riviera, itís a little known fact that the English Riviera...

BUZZ

NP: Sorry?

CF: My finger slipped!

LS: Oh incorrect challenge, extra point.

NP: Yes, yes, it might have been a Freudian slip but... Iíll do anything for a laugh, donít worry! But if youíre interrupted Linda that counts as an interruption and you get a point for that, you keep the subject, English Riviera, 23 seconds starting now.

LS: The English Riviera, Devon, is in fact the spiritual home of reggae music. Hence Bob Marleyís famous hit number, Exeter, Movement of Ja People, which was about the terrible traffic jams you get in this part of the world during the holiday season. Did you know...

WHISTLE

NP: So Linda Smith was then speaking as the whistle went and brought that round to an end with a great flourish which the audience enjoyed. Clement will you take the next round. Oh a nice naval subject, well you can take it anyway you wish actually in this show. Crowís nest. Tell us something about crowís nest in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: People who in the Army have crowís feet, whereas those who are in the Navy have a crowís nest which is usually uppermast, and has five, six, even seven people looking out for other ships or land because in the days of crowís nests there were no binoculars. Poor sods were shot up, into the air, closed their eyes, squinted towards the horizon, and then sang What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor or other similar sea shanties which were hugely popular in the 16th and 17th centuries when there wasnít a lot else to do on a sailing boat than sing...

BUZZ

NP: Linda you challenged.

LS: Hesitation.

NP: Oh it was a long time. Yes I think this is the sad thing with this, thereís someone who went for 45 seconds magnificently on the subject, did all the hard work, heíll probably end up with no points in this round. Linda comes in with 15 seconds to go, hesitation and it is crowís nest, with you Linda starting now.

LS: I wonder...

BUZZ

NP: Simon challenged.

SW: I think that was a hesitation, I think Iíll give it back to play, yeah!

NP: No it doesnít, it goes to you, you have won it legitimately on a hesitation Simon, so it was two seconds she went. Right...

LS: Simon youíre a charity case, accept it!

NP: Iím not sure, youíre the first person whoís come on the show and immediately challenged and offered the subject to somebody else Simon.

SW: Well...

NP: No youíve won the subject, take it...

SW: Oh all right!

NP: Crows nest, starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! Indeed! Heíd only just gone... Linda...

LS: No I suggest it was. It was exactly what I did.

NP: No...

LS: True!

NP: Iíve got a clock in front of me, a watch, Iím so sorry. Two seconds you didnít speak for, and that is...

LS: That is while you were speaking, that would have been rude!

NP: No I say now, and we press the little nipple here on the er...

LS: You see that is why you canít concentrate on the game!

NP: So heís all right, he has 12 seconds on the crowís nest, starting now.

SW: From the lofty position at the top of a mast, a mariner can see for a considerable distance. What he sees in the distance...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Two sees.

CF: No, a see and a sees.

NP: Yes itís still the word sees, itís how you hear it, whether itís s-e-a or s-e-e. It doesnít matter...

CF: No, no, no, he said see a considerable distance what he sees.

SW: Iím thrilled with this charity that... itís great! Iím going to win this game!

NP: I think youíre right actually Clement, I think he did...

BUZZ

NP: Whoís challenged? Linda.

LS: Could anybody take Simon in for Christmas dinner next year? Heís got nowhere to go!

NP: Right! Five seconds, Simon, crowís nest starting now.

SW: What might be seen from the crowís nest would be...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary.

JC: See. Repeat of.

NP: I thought he said seen. He said on that occasion seen. He said see, sees and now he said seen. Two seconds Simon Williams on crowís nest, starting now.

SW: From a crowís nest it is likely...

WHISTLE

NP: Simon Williams speaking as the whistle went yet again gained an extra point and has surged forward from fourth to third place at the end of that round. And Linda your turn to begin. Mickey Finn, thatís the subject, tell us something about it in this game starting now.

LS: Mickey Finn is something that makes you sleepy, one begins to lose consciousness. All the lights in the world seem to dim. Very much the sort of reaction I get when I hear the theme tune to Heartbeat. Itís not something I enjoy. I find it tedious, it makes me sleepy. But...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Two sleepys.

NP: No, it was sleep the first time wasnít it, and...

LS: Yes! Thatís right Nicholas!

NP: So Linda an incorrect challenge, Mickey Finn is still with you and 41 seconds starting now.

LS: I donít know why this soporific drug is named after Mickey Finn. Who is Mickey Finn? Itís quite a good name and sounds like a 70s pop star. Mickey Finn and the Tigerfeet would have been a good band and is probably still playing in a pub not a million miles from this very venue. If we were to wander down as Iím sure we will for a few scoops in town later on, Iím sure weíll find Mickey Finn and his fine band of men...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two bands.

NP: There was a band before, all right yes. So Clement you got in with 14 seconds to tell us something about Mickey Finn starting now.

CF: Mickey Finnís are something that you slip people. Itís very odd. Other drinks are poured, given, dispensed, bought, purchased. But a Mickey Finn, especially on the English Riviera, go from Torquay to Peyton...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. With other points in the round heís moving forward, creeping up on our leader Julian Clary and he also begins the next round. Playing bingo, Clement, you have to tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CF: Bingo is a pastime outside my cognisance, simply not something I have done. But before the Gaming Act came about, bingo halls were not allowed to give prizes of money. So instead ah when you won...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Hesitation.

NP: There was an er there yes Julian. So you have a point, you have 44 seconds, you have the subject of playing bingo starting now.

JC: Playing bingo can be very exciting if you get a full house and win a packet of tea. Unfortunately you may chance to sit on a chair sat on by an old lady whoís wet herself. This is one of the many occupational hazards involved in playing one of Englandís premier games. I play...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Oh I didnít really mean to challenge there, it was just a...

JC: Is it incorrect challenge then?

NP: Julian was interrupted so he gets a point for being interrupted, he has 24 seconds to continue on playing bingo starting now.

JC: National Bingo is advertised currently on television, in fact you may have seen it. By Lily Savage, a close show business personal friend. She was telling me how she had to be..,

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He!

NP: Oh! Lily Savage is a woman, but the man who impersonates Lil, takes Lily Savage is Paul. So he is a man...

SW: Is that right?

NP: ... and Lily Savage is a woman.

SW: I donít believe it! Canít be true!

NP: So Lily is definitely female and so it is she and therefore playing bingo is still with Julian starting now.

JC: Itís the most marvelous game in the world. It really makes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of game.

NP: It is a game, you did say that before. And Clement you have another point and you have nine seconds on playing bingo starting now.

CF: Lesley Joseph I believe is incredibly keen...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Thereís no need for that kind of talk!

NP: I think I should explain to our listeners that the reason there was that big audience reaction then is that when we were here some weeks back playing at Dartmouth, Julian Clary referred to Lesley Joseph more than once. And thatís why they responded on that particular occasion. And that was because of the reaction. Six seconds, Clement, playing bingo, starting now.

CF: In the 1960s dogs were called...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Deviation.

NP: Why?

JC: Youíre talking about the 19 whatever it was.

NP: 1960s.

JC: Well I was glazing over!

NP: I donít know what, what your challenge is about!

CF: Call for a doctor!

NP: It was a good try over nothing, but Julian Iím afraid it was incorrect so Clement has got playing bingo still with three seconds to go starting now.

CF: Dogs were called Ognib which is...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud kept going to the whistle, gained that extra point, with other points in the round heís creeping up on our leader Julian Clary but heís still a few points to go. And theyíre all doing quite well but Julian begins the next round. Oh this is a nice subject, sexing a tadpole. I donít know whether you have any knowledge in that area but tell us what you can about sexing a tadpole Julian starting now.

JC: As far as I understand it sexing a tadpole is impossible because their genitals arenít yet fully formed, not unlike Dale Winton! One has to wait until they have arms and legs and they hop around and then you chase them down the garden path, grab them round the middle...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I think round and round is just a...

NP: That is definitely er repetition yeah. Clement another point and 42 seconds, sexing a tadpole, starting now.

CF: It is quite true that a tadpole is quite small. And if you were to ask a question, what is smaller than a gnatís nickers, the answer would be a nitís knackers...

BUZZ

NP: Yes! Julian you challenged.

JC: Interesting but irrelevant! And therefore deviation.

NP: Yes he wasnít talking about tadpoles, he was talking about nits and knackers wasnít he, yes. So I think he was deviating, he got away from the tadpole.

LS: In Clementís defence, he might have then gone on to talk about tadpoleís todgers!

NP: He might have done but he was taking a long time getting there. So it was deviation Julian, 31 seconds, take back sexing a tadpole starting now.

JC: Letís get back to the heart of the matter! Weíre talking genitals here! Weíre talking amphibians...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Weíre talking.

NP: Weíre talking. Clement you got back in again, 26 seconds, sexing a tadpole starting now.


CF: We are talking sexing a tadpole, a tadpoleís genitalia, a tadpole to be sexed, sexing a tadpole. Never...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Almost wilful repetition I thought.

NP: Of what?

LS: Of sexing a tadpole.

NP: But that is the subject on the card and youíre allowed to repeat the subject on the card.

LS: Well then I stand corrected!

NP: Clement you still have the subject and there are 17 seconds, sexing a tadpole, starting now.

CF: The idea of sexing a tadpole is to establish whether it is a male or a female tadpole. Thatís roughly what weíre trying to argue today. And sexing a tadpole is something which should be done by a professional...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point and other points in the round. Heís now only one point behind our leader Julian Clary. And Linda Smith follows not far behind and then Simon Williams in that order. And Linda your turn to begin, barbecues. Tell us something about barbecues in Just A Minute starting now.

LS: Barbecues are basically cooking for men. Barbecues appeal to blokes because barbecues involve the total reversal of evolution. Civilisation recedes and we are left with a fire, a stick and a caveman.

BUZZ

NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: Hesitation.

NP: Yes she got her laugh and couldnít resist milking it but unfortunately. It was a lovely line. Forty seconds, barbecues with you Julian starting now.

JC: Barbecues are something that common people in Australia do. I donít approve of it! Iíve got better things to do than wander round the garden with a stick in my hand poking at a sausage. Iíd sooner get a takeaway. Whatís the matter with people? And thereís another thing as well, that people donít often realise...

BUZZ

NP: Simon Williams challenged.

SW: People was recurring several times.

NP: Yes.

JC: It was.

NP: People was repeated Simon so you got in there with 22 seconds, you tell us something about barbecues starting now.

SW: I think the whole prospect of cooking and eating outside is appalling. Firstly you put this raw food to the heat and it invariably falls between the struts and you see your kebab quite beyond your reach on the hot coals. Then you retrieve it and burn yourself. And by that time youíve probably been stung by various insects in the garden...

WHISTLE

NP: Simon Williams speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and a resounding round of applause from this Naval audience here because it was the first time you were speaking as the whistle went. And youhave got quite a lot of points but Iím afraid youíre still in fourth place. But only just behind Linda Smith...

SW: I donít care any more!

NP: But weíre moving into the final round. And out in the lead Clement Freud and Julian Clary are battling it for first place. And itís the last round, and Clement Freud itís your turn to begin. And very aptly here as we face this lovely audience here at the Britannia Royal Naval College at Dartmouth, the subject is the Navy. Tell us something, the subject is the Navy, Clement, 60 seconds, starting now.

CF: 1479385602 is something I never was. I had this great desire to be an Able Seaman but at my time was called up into the Royal Ulster Rifles. The Navy is the senior service, I never quite understood why. Surely people fought before they sailed. But nevertheless, the Navy, the most...

BUZZ

NP: Simon Williams you challenged.

SW: Ah I think that was a hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation Simon. So you have the Navy and you have 33 seconds to tell us something about the Navy starting now.

SW: In the words of that lovely song, we joined the Navy to see the sea. And what did we observe? We saw the...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: He tripped over his words and hesitated.

NP: Yes he did trip over, but only just though.

SW: Thereís nothing wrong with tripping over words.

NP: I donít think he...

LS: There is when youíre a trained actor!

NP: I think...

SW: Thatís what itís all about! Damn it!

NP: I think he tripped enough to call that hesitation and 26 seconds, weíd love to hear from you on the Navy, Julian, starting.... starting now.

JC: When I joined...

BUZZ

NP: Who has challenged? Clement.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No! There wasnít hesitation, was there audience? You have another point Julian and you have the audience with you and you have 24 seconds, the Navy, starting now.

JC: I shall join the Army in the fullness of time, you know Iím going to! And when I check into the barracks and they say "would you prefer top or bottom?" Iíll say "let me get unpacked first!" Then I shall...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged. Simon you challenged first.

SW: I challenged, yes I did. I thought he was hesitating for reminiscent...

NP: He was repeating himself.

SW: Oh well that too, of course.

NP: Yes.

SW: I was going to come to that.

NP: So that would be a safer bet. Right, 11 seconds are available for you to tell us something about the Navy, Simon, starting now.

SW: We joined the Navy...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Weíve had that!

NP: You did the song before.

CF: Mmmm!

SW: I was going to continue it this time, but...

NP: Nobody had you for deviation when you said we joined the Navy to see the sea. The song is we joined the Navy to see the world. Because...

CF: Very interesting.

NP: I get letters from people who say he deviated but nobody challenged him, as if it was up to me to tell the people to challenge him.

LS: Nicholas you donít get letters! You write them all yourself!

NP: Itís whatís being called a good straight man. You give them a good springboard to come back with a good laugh and get around of applause. Well done, we enjoyed that Linda but...

JC: Itís not my understanding of a good straight man! You want to get out more!

NP: Ah I could give you both bonus points, but Iíll resist the temptation. And Simon, you, no sorry Clement, you had a correct challenge against Simon there and the Navyís with you, eight econds to go in the final round here starting now.

CF: Up with a lark and to bed with a wren was the sort of thing that in my day. You get Navy...

BUZZ

NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: Irrelevant!

NP: Relevance? Why?

JC: Heís talking about larks and wrens. Heís gone off the subject.

NP: Well they have wrens in the Navy you know.

JC: Heís deviating!

NP: He wasnít deviating because wrens are part of the Navy, and a very integral part of the Navy too. And theyíre mingling on board as well now! The Navy is still with you Clement with two seconds to go starting now.

CF: Navy Cup tobacco...

WHISTLE

NP: As I said a little while ago this was to be the last round and Clement Freud brought it to a close, gained that extra point for doing so. The final situation is that Simon Williams whoís not played as much as the others, he did extremely well on his return visit to Dartmouth here, finished equal in third place with Linda Smith. They were both a few points behind Clement Freud who after that initial surge of Julian Claryís, he didnít quite catch him, so one point ahead it is this week, Julian Clary! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Linda Smith, Julian Clary, Clement Freud and Simon Williams. I must also thank Janet Staplehurst whoís helping me keep the score, sheís blown her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And our producer director Chris Neil. And of course we are indebted to Ian Messiter who originally created Just A Minute. And we are most grateful to this lovely Naval audience here in the Britannia Royal Naval College at Dartmouth for enjoying the show with us as we have enjoyed it as much playing to you. From them, from the panel, from me Nicholas Parsons, goodbye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute. Cheerio!

THEME MUSIC