NOTE: Kenneth Robinson's last appearance, Miriam Margolyes's only appearance.


ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Kenneth Robinson and Miriam Margolyes in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we have two guests on the programme this week playing against our two regulars. We welcome back Kenneth Robinson and we welcome someone whoís not played the game before, Miriam Margolyes. Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams have of course played the game more times than they care to remember, and theyíre all going to try and speak if they can for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them and try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. I almost forgot the rules after all these years! Clement Freud let us begin with you, and the subject is hotch potch. Will you tell us something on that in Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Hotch potch is an alternative name for what in Lancashire is called hotpot. And it is in fact no more than a confection of meat, potatoes, gravy and parsley. If you want to know exactly how to do it, and there doesnít seem much else that we can talk about in the remaining seconds of this game...


NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Oh a lot of other things we can talk about! I have many things to say about it, so thatís in, thatís deviation, definitely deviation!

NP: It wasnít actually because he wasnít deviating from the subject of hotch potch. And he keeps it, a point for an incorrect challenge and 42 seconds....

KW: What a rotten chairman!

NP: ...starting now.

CF: A best or scrag end of neck is preferable. And in the way of tubas I would suggest King Edwards or...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, this is nothing to do with whatís on the card. Hotch potch is nothing to do with cooking, and nobodyís ever ordered a hotch potch in a restaurant or ahouse in their lives!

CF: They have!

MIRIAM MARGOLYES: You be quiet! You be quiet!

KW: You shut your row!

MM: Be quiet! Be quiet!

KW: Shut your row! They should never have had women on this programme!

MM: Youíre a disgrace!

KW: Thereís a woman here!

MM: I should think so too!

NP: Yes well I think I may have some support at last. We have a guest who doesnít like to have the chairman rattled by Kenneth Williams like that...

MM: Yes! You go on dear! Yes go on!

NP: Thank you very much Miriam! And Clement Freud will also continue with 35 seconds on hotch potch starting now.

CF: Hotch potch can also be a mess. Just any disorganised, rumpled, crumpled, unregimented...

NP: Like Just A Minute!


MM: You be quiet too!

KW: Yes I donít think itís in the rules of the game that the chairman is supposed to interrupt somebody!

NP: Well after 13 years I suddenly wanted to. Iíve never done it before...

KW: Weíre not here to satisfy your occasional whims!

MM: Oh I donít know!

KW: You take your proclivities somewhere else!

NP: Well...

KW: Iíve never heard anything so disgraceful!

NP: Weíve been putting up with your whims for so long...

CF: If you looked it up in the Encyclopedia Britannica, youíd very likely to get a derivation...

NP: Clement! There are 23 seconds...

CF: Oh no!

NP: Yes!

CF: I havenít stopped!

NP: Oh!

CF: Do you mean the clock stops when you interrupt...

NP: Well I did stop you by interrupting, I did interrupt you which was very bad of me...

CF: Well letís give it to somebody else!

NP: Iíve never done it before but I suddenly felt devilish like the fellers do sometimes. There are 23 seconds on hotch potch starting now.

CF: A mess.


NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged.

KENNETH ROBINSON: Two messes weíve had!

NP: Yes! You have and there are 20 seconds for you Kenneth on the subject of hotch potch starting now.

KR: Hotch potch of course comes from the Russian, spodge terria hod spodge...


NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Iím afraid there was Kenneth, it was such a ...

KR: No, no, it was a hyphenated word, hod spodge there.

NP: Yes but it did take some getting out and so you hesitated.

KR: But a hyphen has to be spoken...

KW: Donít argue! The chairmanís ruling is final...

KR: Kenneth Williams...

KW: And heís a very fine chairman! I mean heís a wonderful man! He never interrupts people...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: ... when theyíre under way! You know when theyíve started to play the game...

NP: Kenneth!

KR: Kenneth Williams!

KW: Heís very good!

KR: Kenneth Williams, if you ever find...

KW: You shut your row! Donít argue with me! Iím a regular!

KR: ... to literature youíll realise that a hyphen takes some doing!

NP: Well now that weíve all got a little bit off our chest at the beginning of the show and weíve got the audience warmed up, because after all, theyíre not used to Just A Minute, Ken...

MM: Iíve still got a lot on my chest!

NP: Well if you have, I would keep it to yourself Miriam!

MM: Didnít say that last night!

KW: Aye aye! Hello!

NP: Itís developing into quite a different show this week!

MM: Yes!

NP: Perhaps we should have women on the programme! Um Kenneth I agree with your challenge which you gave some time ago and there are 15 seconds for you to talk on hotch potch starting now.

KW: The children love it! You throw the dice and you jump! And itís hopscotch really you see that theyíre playing. They often say hotch potch instead, but of course we all know what theyíre really doing. Itís jumping over the cracks in the pavement you know. And manyís...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two you knows.

NP: Yes, you do, there are two seconds Clement on hotch potch starting now.

KW: Yeah he always does that, doesnít he! Gets in on the last two seconds!


NP: Well when Ian Messiter blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And if you donít know it already, whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. And once again it was Clement Freud. And at the end of the first round, heís got a commanding lead. Kenneth, itís er, weíd like you to begin the second round and the subject is why I am so well informed. With a face like that you donít look well informed Kenneth! So why I am so well informed, 60 seconds, starting now.

KW: Because I have had the good fortune to mix with the erudite and the learned of this world! And as Emerson rightly remarked, we have as...


NP: Miriam Margolyes has challenged.

MM: Itís boring!

KW: I think itís disgraceful!

NP: Miriam itís fre...

KW: I...

NP: It frequently is on Just A Minute!

KW: Iíve come all the way from Great Portland Street! Iím insulted! I mean that is insulting! Thatís really insulting!

NP: Yes it...

MM: Itís true though! Itís true!

KW: I donít know how youíre sitting there taking it! Iím amazed you havenít got up!

NP: Because itís... Kenneth! I try to be just and fair! It was a wrong challenge. You keep the subject, you have 47 seconds....

CF: Is that your New Years resolution?

NP: ... on why I am so well informed starting now.

KW: It is a good thing to take a decent newspaper. That way you can keep abreast of current affairs. Of course in the old days I ...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes you did say it before Iím afraid. And there...

KW: You always say that! You donít know whether I did or not! Youíre just agreeing with him! I didnít say it, did I? There you are!

NP: Iím not going to be intimidated by you and the audience! Clement Freud had a correct challenge, there are 36 seconds on why I am so well informed, Clement, starting now.

CF: Principally I am so well informed because I read an extraordinarily large number of boring documents which Miriam Margolyes really ought to come and join me in the perusal of. Hansard...


NP: Ah Miriam Margolyes.

MM: Bad grammar! You ended your sentence with a preposition.

KW: Yes! Yes! Deviation! Deviation! Yes!

NP: Yes, what a very nice challenge. So Miriam you have the subject, there are 24 seconds and... she didnít want the subject! She just wanted to interrupt all the time! That was...But anyway Miriam letís hear from you trying to talk in Just A Minute...

CF: It was acceptable grammar!

NP: ... in 24 seconds and the subject is why I am so well informed starting now.

MM: I am so well informed partly because I was born in Oxford, and I went to Cambridge. And I think Iím the only person here who has the benefit of a university degree...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, how can you be partly born in Oxford?

MM: No I was born...

CF: Bad grammar!

MM: ... partly in Oxford, but I came to Cambridge to be educated, you see.

NP: You did say you were partly born in Oxford.

MM: In that case I have to, I have to...

KW: Your residebce was on the boundary! Thatís right, halfway between Oxford and Berkshire!

NP: Miriam Margolyes keeps the subject, there are 14 seconds on why I am so well informed starting now.

MM: I went to an absolutely marvelous school, the Oxford Girls High School, one of the...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Oxford.

MM: You canít have it often enough you know!

NP: And yes there are 10 seconds Clement on why I am so well informed starting now.

CF: I live very near Cambridge, which is one of the great universities, replete with colleges and students, lecturers, fellows, principals, masters and presidents of university establishments...


NP: Clementís hushed tones of reverence brought such a hush from the audience we wondered whether they were going to revive. But they did fortunately to clap him for speaking as the whistle went and gaining that extra point and increasing his lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Robinson will you begin the next round please. The subject is the Audean Press and would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KR: The Audean Press was founded in the 15th century by a man called Aldiss who was an expert, hence the expression "donít contradict your Aldiss". Aldiss Mantusi also known as Macini or Mantovani. he had three names and he used them whenever he felt like having a new one. He er his er (goes into gibberish)


NP: Miriam Margolyes challenged.

KR: Iím sorry, one steps so easily into Russian in this!

NP: Miriam what was your challenge?

MM: Well I hate to challenge him but I think he hesitated.

NP: He more than hesitated...

MM: Yes!

NP: He completely dried up! Miriam there are 42 seconds on the Audean Press starting now.

MM: I havenít got the faintest idea what the Audean Press is, so I think Iíll talk about another one that I have got rather...


NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged.

KR: Deviation.

NP: Yes, you talk about another one, deviation.

MM: Quite right! Back you go.

NP: Thirty-five and a half seconds on the Audean Press back with you Kenneth Robinson starting now.

KR: Yes Aldiss Mancusi was out to make books cheaper. He was assisted by his son later on, who then went and set up a printing press for the Pope. And his grandson then carried on the business. And itís almost impossible to make this subject anything but very boring. Perhaps I can tell you that they were a Roman family, they spoke Greek at home. And that one of the things that they succeeded in doing was inventing Italics, those things that you use instead of putting a line underneath them, I think Iím going to run out of... breath...


NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well I donít think that was boring, I thought that was absolutely fascinating! And I think everyone here would agree with me that it was fascinating!

NP: But nonetheless, you challenged Kenneth?

KW: Especially that stuff about Italics. I had no idea that was their invention.

NP: Yes well donít letís have a philosophic discussion, what was your challenge?

KW: No I was simply saying that contrary to what he said about being boring, he wasnít at all. And I for one delighted in that peroration.

NP: And when he paused, you were the first to challenge.

KW: Oh well I probably was trying to come in to help him out, so to speak.

NP: Well you have helped him out, youíve got 10 seconds to talk about the Audean Press starting now.

KW: The Audean Press unquestionably has won a place for itself in the annals of publishing, which everyone would (pronounced wo-o-o-od) if they had any kind of...


NP: Miriam Margolyes has challenged.

MM: Distortion of vowel sounds!

NP: Well as he does it every week and has made a living out of it, I donít think we can...

MM: I canít help that! I canít help that! It was true wasnít it! Doesnít he distort vowel sounds! And you can all hear how pure mine are! Thatís why Iím on the programme!

NP: Um after some of your previous remarks, I wouldnít talk about purity!

MM: Didnít say that last night!

NP: I think we should have women on the programme! Kenneth I disagree with the challenge, you have one second on the Audean Press starting now.

KW: Well I think in the last analysis...


NP: So in the last analysis Kenneth spoke as the whistle went, Kenneth Williams did, got the extra point for speaking er, for doing so, for so-doing when the whistle went and heís er...

KW: You are making a mess of it arenít you!

NP: Yes because Iím trying to read the clock and the figures and look at the next sub...

KW: Oh yes, itís so complicated your job isnít it! Oh you should be on a higher salary! You should! Oh!

NP: Would you like to write in for me? Kenneth youíre in second place at the end of that round. Miriam Margolyes will you take the next round please and the subject is Pluto. Will you tell us something about that subject in Just A Minute starting now.

MM: Pluto calls to mind three things. One of them concerned with astrology. The other concerned with astronomy. And the third of course is the King of the Underworld. I donít mean the Producer, but that wonderful personality who is famous for stealing Pestephanie. You all remember that of course from your history lessons, as indeed, so do I. She was the very attractive girl, he couldnít resist her. We all know what itís like when we see somebody attractive. We cannot hold ourselves back. There we are...


NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged.

KR: I think we had two attractives.

NP: Yes you did.

MM: I think I did.

NP: Thatís right, you did say attractive.

MM: Arenít I sweet! I think you did, I think I...

NP: Thatís right, you did, yes.

MM: Have I made a mess of it? I mean will I, what will happen now?

NP: You didnít say that last night! Kenneth Robinson you have the subject and there are 29 seconds left on Pluto starting now.

KR: Pluto is the subject I am very sorry to have, because I can only repeat what has been said that he was the...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well if he donít want it, why donít he give it to someone else and shut up!

NP: Well he might yet if he deviates from the subject, but he hadnít done so yet so he keeps it and gets a point for a wrong challenge and there are 24 seconds left, Kenneth Robinson, starting now.

KR: He is certainly the God of the dead, which must give him quite a quiet time I imagine. He is also that absurd...


NP: Um, Miriam Margolyes.

MM: Repetition of he.

NP: Yes, he is also, thatís right. The whole sentence. So Miriamís in with a good challenge and there are 18 seconds left Miriam, Pluto, starting now.

MM: Pluto was rather a sexy little devil, and one of the things he did was to make love to a nymph called Mint. And his wife found out and trampled her into the ground. And that is why we get the name, which you donít need me to say on...


NP: Kenneth Robinson.

KR: Slight hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a slight one there.

MM: Yes.

NP: She was trying to think of the name, yes.

MM: Itís true.

NP: Four seconds for you Kenneth Robinson on Pluto starting now.

KR: Pluto is also one of the...


NP: Miriam Margolyes.

MM: I just felt like doing it!

NP: Well tit for tat, he did it to you, and you got a point for that. Kenneth Robinson you have three seconds on Pluto starting now.

KR: Pluto is also one of...


NP: Miriam Margolyes.

MM: I just felt like doing it!

NP: Well tit for tat, he did it to you and you got a point for that. So Kenneth you have three seconds on Pluto starting now.

KR: Pluto is also a planet, I think the second largest and it has...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of planet.

NP: Yes...

CF: He said it when he spoke earlier.

NP: Iím afraid you said planet when you got it last time. So Clement Freudís got in with one second to go again and...

MM: Boo!

NP: Well they could all do it if they want to listen as carefully as that! Starting now.

CF: Walt Disney...


NP: Kenneth Robinson challenged.

KR: A slight pause.

NP: No, of course not, a quarter of a second starting now.

CF: Mickey Mouse.


NP: Well a lot of points were scored in that round, thank goodness. Because Miriam Margolyes, our guest for the first time on the show has got a lot of points, and sheís still, alas, in fourth place but sheís equal with Kenneth Will...

MM: Oh itís not fair! Iím not playing if I canít win!

NP: Actually Iíve noticed something, you're equal in third place with Kenneth Williams.

MM: Thatís better!

NP: And heís played regularly, only two points behind Kenneth Robinson and only four, no only six behind our leader Clement Freud, whoís going to begin the next round. And the subject Clement is my first words, Just A Minute, starting now.

CF: Oddly enough my first words didnít come till late in life. It is reputed that I waited some 58 seconds before I opened my mouth and said I want sem...


NP: Kenneth Robinson challenged.

KR: Slight pause there.

NP: I donít think there was a pause, no. Clement you keep the subject with 47 and a half seconds, my first words starting now.

CF: Semalina pudding. And the...


NP: Kenneth Robinson.

KR: Pause there definitely, hesitation.

NP: Yes, yes, he was waiting for the challenge, I think, because he couldnít have said semalina pudding after 58 seconds of life either.

CF: I didnít say of life.

MM: Kenneth, give him a cuddle to cheer him up, heís gone all sad!

NP: Forty-five seconds...

MM: Yes!

NP: ...with Kenneth Robinson, my first words starting now.

KR: My first words as my mother told me, I spoke them at her knee, were (baby talk gibberish)


NP: Baby! Baby! Baby! Baby!

KR: (baby talk gibberish)

NP: Oh Iím glad you got that off your chest! Did you get up all the wind? Miriam, you challenged.

MM: Yes I just thought he was being a bit unfair.

NP: No, he was repeating...

KR: Havenít done that for 74 years!

NP: He did repeat a lot of baby words there. And Miriam got in with 15, no 17 seconds left, my first words, Miriam, starting now.

MM: My first words to my mother, as far as I can remember, were "how lovely to see you today" because she was born abroad and I hadnít expected to find her at that point. And I think I had better shut up because I canít think of anything else to say.


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well I thought hesitation there.

NP: Yes.

MM: Yes I think youíre right.

NP: Six seconds, my first words, starting now.

KW: My first words on walking on to the stage were "the carriage awaits". And I did it...


NP: Kenneth Williams got the extra point, speaking as the whistle went. He is definitely in third place but only one point behind Kenneth Robinson, two ahead of Miriam Margolyes and our leader is still Clement Freud. But Kenneth youíre going to begin the next round and the subject is Christopher Marlowe. Would you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: He was a contemporary of Shakespeare. And indeed the latter used a line, a very beautiful one, of his in As You Like It, and played the sort of generous tribute one expects from such a fountain of genius as that. He also led a life which many people thought dissolute, and the end which was this terrible stabbing in a low tavern in Detford. He wrote these lovely lines: Come live with me, and be my love, and we will all the pleasures prove, of hill and... I canít go on because obviously you know this is not the place to recite...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Iíd like him to go on!

NP: So Kenneth you get another point for that challenge and you do go on, with 14 and a half seconds, Christopher Marlowe, starting now.

KW: Perhap his most famous play is of course Tamber Lane...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Afraid so, yes. Eleven seconds Clement on Christopher Marlowe starting now.

CF: It is thought by many scholars that the works of William Shakespeare were in fact written by Christopher Marlowe, something which Iíve never believed in, especially after having been...


NP: Miriam Margolyes.

MM: Wasnít there a slight pause there?

NP: No. Not even a slight one.

MM: Just the teeniest weeniest one?

NP: No, no...

CF: Between words.

NP: If we, if we really, you know, gave decisions like that, you could never really speak, could you. One second to go starting now.

CF: He was known around town as Kit.


NP: Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round and the others are in exactly the same position. And Kenneth Robinson is going to begin the next round, and the subject is Roman culture. Will you tell us something about that Kenneth in Just A Minute starting now.

KR: Itís often thought that the Romans contributed nothing to culture, that they simply made roads and copied everything the Greeks did. But this is to ignore the famous palace of homilies, the gondolier carvers, the Battory brothers. And where would Bridget Reilly be today I ask myself, and I ask the audience too. If it was not for Pizzani, where would David Hockney be...


NP: Miriam Margolyes has challenged.

MM: I believe he said ask twice, ask the audience and ask myself.

NP: Mmmm, where would they be.

KR: I ask myself.

MM: Yes. Iím awfully sorry Kenneth because I got quite fond of you in the last few moments.

KR: You didnít say that to him last night!

MM: Too busy! Too busy!

NP: Miriam you have 41 seconds for the subject of Roman culture starting now.

MM: Iím absolutely mad about Italy and particularly about Rome. And the culture there of course is wonderful. You can find palaces, art galleries and all the panoply that goes with a country that provided a civilsation that even lasts today. Of course our language benefits tremendously from Roman culture. All the words we say, even the ones that you wouldnít expect, they still have the hints of Roman culture in them. The Greek culture of course was important too. But Roman and Romanism and all it meant to us, that is what counts today. I find if you really listen to what I am saying, you might drop off after a while, but Iím going to continue anyway, because I know that somewhere at the back of it is something that really matters. And at last Iíve found it. It is that in Italy there is the seeds of our cooking and that of course is what I am interested in, cooking, as you can see from my size! Have I not enough time left yet to tell you about recipes and all the...

NP: No, youíve gone on for over a minute!


NP: I was absolutely wicked, Miriam, I took the whistle out of Ian Messiterís mouth which he keeps all through the show. And um, I pulled out his teeth as well, Iím afraid. But Miriam, you were way, you were actually speaking as the whistle should have gone. And you went for nearly 50 seconds without being interrupted, and you said cooking twice. And that was fantastic, and the audience showed their appreciation, but you only got one point Iím afraid.

MM: Oh canít I have more than that? Iím a big girl!

NP: No you canít...

MM: Iím eating for two!

NP: ... because itís very very close. And the competition is!

MM: I see!

NP: I wasnít referring to last night again! The um, Miriam youíre going to begin the next round as well, and the subject is the contents of my handbag. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

MM: How dare you ask me to reveal the contents of my handbag! I think thatís the most unappalling liberty Iíve ever heard! Itís none of your business whatís in my handbag! In fact I donít have a handbag. I have a pantechnicon which I carry around and I park outside. I donít think itís anything to do with you what I carry with me. As a matter of fact, of course I have a diary and that is where your telephone number is, Nicholas, as I donít have to tell you. And I shall shortly be collecting it from all the other gentlemen in the audience, if theyíre very lucky. Another thing that should be in a womanís handbag is a penknife. Now I find the Swiss Army knives quite exceptionable. Thereís something for taking stones out of horses hooves, and something for taking horses out of stones hooves. And if you havenít...


NP: Kenneth Robinson has challenged.

KR: Repetition of horses and...

NP: Horses, hooves and stones, yes.

MM: Quite right.

NP: Thatís perfectly right. So you do realise now that Miriam Margolyes doesnít receive money for appearing in the show, she gets telephone numbers instead. Ah Kenneth you came in there and Iím afraid Miriam came in before we could set the watch going, so we donít know how long sheís been going actually. So weíll estimate it was 40 seconds...

MM: You see, thatís what happens when men are in charge. Donít you agree with me ladies? Itís ridiculous! Absolutely!

NP: Yes a more light hearted easy approach to things! A less regimented idea than with women at the helm! So Miriam...

MM: You wait for it mate! Weíll get there one day! Wonít we, girl-chaps, wonít we?

NP: Will you be in the vanguard or the rearguard?

MM: Tell you tonight!

NP: Right, Kenneth Robinson, there are 20 seconds, the contents of my handbag starting now.

KR: If I did have a handbag then I would in fact put into it the things that Iíve just been taking out of my pocket which include an advertisement for Jackie Gillettís new book, showing...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, the subject on the card is the contents of my handbag, not what heís got out of his pockets.

NP: Well very good challenge Kenneth. Would you like to tell us about the contents of your handbag? And there, itís the last subject and thereís about 10 seconds left starting now.

KW: I suppose the term could loosely be applied to a briefcase which I have carried under my arm on several occasions to carry my scripts and that thing which I rub on in the event of bad weather...


NP: Well as I said a few moments ago this would be the last round. Iím afraid we do have no more time and so I will give you the final score. A great number of points were scored in this particular contest this week. And Miriam Margolyes whoís coming as a guest for the very first time, did very well. She spoke a great deal, she didnít get an awful lot of points! But she was great value and Iím sure we would love to have you back, if youíre free, if we do another series Miriam. And she came in fourth place but only just behind Kenneth Robinson, our other guest, who did very well on his return visit. He was only one point behind Kenneth Williams but Kenneth was three points behind this weekís winner, Clement Freud. We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, goodbye.


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.