JAM:CFreud,GNorton,SFrost,MJarvis
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, GRAHAM NORTON, STEVE FROST and MARTIN JARVIS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 February 2000)

NOTE: Martin Jarvis's last appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons and as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our listeners in this country and of course throughout the world and also to welcome the four individual, distinguished and diverse personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. Well we welcome back a most diverse and individual comedian, a great young star of today, that is Graham Norton. Another individual humourist performer, Stephen Frost. A distinguished actor, Martin Jarvis and also a most individual and erudite personality in Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them! And as usual in this show I am going to ask them to speak for Just A Minute if they can on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst whoís going to help me keep the score and she will blow her whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Gateway Theatre in Chester. We were here a little while ago and theyíve asked us back. So Clement will you begin today and the subject is spice. Tell us something about spice in Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: The root of the word spice is merchandise, is what people brought back from Java and Sumatra and the West Indies, Jamaica, Trinidad and Tobago, all those places. And today we seem to think that spice means ginger, Harold, pepper, chili, cumin, camaway. All the things that you add to breads or pastries or curries in order t6o make them more delicious, stronger, hotter....

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis you challenged.

MARTIN JARVIS: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah definitely hesitation. Yes he was trying to do all those wonderful listings which is very clever. But he slipped up there and he hesitated, so thatís a point to you Martin for a correct challenge, you take over the subject of spice, there are 22 seconds available starting now.

MJ: Baby, Scary, Posh, Sporty and the other one that heís already mentioned. Variety is the life of spice, I suppose you could say. Tommy Trindler, Arthur Askey, Ted Ray, Jimmy Edwards all added to this wonderful mix down at the Windmill Theatre where I believe Nicholas Parsons once appeared...

WHISTLE

NP: Yes indeed, I donít know whether theyíre clapping my appearance at the Windmill Theatre or the fact that you were speaking as the whistle went Martin. So you gain a point for doing that, and at the end of that round you have a commanding lead over everybody else in it. Oh you begin the next round Martin, down on your uppers. What a good subject, speak on it if you can, 60 seconds, starting now.

MJ: Some would say I was already down on my uppers by appearing on the same stage with Nicholas Parsons. But I would absolutely attack them for that, because Nicholas Parsons is a highly distinguished performer...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of Nicholas Parsons.

NP: I know.

MJ: I donít think you can say the name too often!

NP: Yes some have said that before but... Down on your uppers Clement, a correct challenge and you have 50 seconds available starting now.

CF: When you run short of viagra pills you could be said to be down on your uppers. There are other enhancing... The common uppers that people take today are appetite depressing pills, anything to make you cheerful against the normal nature of your temperament. Uppers at a chemist shop are sold by...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

STEVE FROST: This speech is a bad influence on any young people who are listening! Heís telling them how to take drugs, what drugs to take, and where to get them!

NP: Have you got a challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

SF: No, Iím sorry...

NP: Try hesitation.

SF: I havenít got the hang of this game yet, have I?

NP: Right youíre going to try hesitation.

SF: Yeah hesitation, yes.

CF: Thatís a secondary challenge. He already said that.

NP: Itís not a secondary challenge because he challenged first.

CF: Do you want to try that again Nicholas?

NP: No.


GRAHAM NORTON: This wonít be pretty, everyone!

NP: No Stephen, he did actually hesitate and er 20 seconds, down on your uppers with you Stephen, starting now.

SF: The expression down on your uppers ahs a very fascinating history. Unfortunately I donít know it! But I can tell you that when I was a young boy, I was only five years old (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Graham Norton...

GN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, right, we want to hear from you now on down on your uppers, seven seconds available starting now.

GN: I well remember that unfortunate incident with honey and an old duvet that resulted with much...

WHISTLE

NP: So as I said before whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Graham Norton. Stephen you get the next round. Oh what a lovely subject, bodice ripper. Someoneís scratching their bodiced down there in the audience. That is the subject Stephen you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

SF: Go in to any bookshop in your local High Street and you will find on the top shelf a series of bodice rippers. Novels written by people who base the story on sex, lust and horses usually. Now these books sell very well, but frankly Iíve read couple of them, well several hundred, and I...

BUZZ

NP: Graham you challenged.

GN: Surely thatís repetition. Letís face it, the plots donít vary!

NP: Itís a repetitious thought but itís not repeating the words within Just A Minute. So give Graham a point because his interruption was worthwhile, and the audience applauded him. Stephen you get a point because you were interrupted, 39 seconds available, bodice ripper, starting now.

SF: Usually on the front thereís a picture of a lung... lady...

BUZZ

SF: A lung! A lung! Itís all about doctors and thereís a image of a...

NP: Martin you challenged first.

MJ: I think it was hesitation.

NP: I think it was deviation as well. Thirty-seven seconds, bodice rippers with you Martin starting now.

MJ: A few years ago I used to appear on Saturday Night Theatre on the wireless. And there were a series of bodice rippers in which when you kissed the girl you did this: oooohh (kissing noises) darling!

BUZZ

NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GN: Iím afraid, repetition of (kissing noises).

NP: So Graham a correct challenge, repetition...

GN: All right!

NP: Twenty-four seconds, bodice ripper starting now.

GN: Bodice Ripper was famously the wife of Jack. She had a terrible time trying to keep her house in order. The curtains were in shreds constantly! It was worse than living with a cat! The sofa covers made her blush, she wouldnít have visitors! She would refuse to answer the door! The...

WHISTLE

NP: Graham Norton then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. Heís now taken a lead ahead of Martin Jarvis and then Clement Freud and Stephen Frost in that order. And Graham itís also your turn to begin. And the subject is a piece of my mind, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

GN: Once when I was young, I misbehaved a little. And my mother gave me a piece of her mind. I keep it in a large belljar....

BUZZ

NP: Martin challenged.

MJ: Itís a piece of her mind, we want to hear about a piece of his mind.

GN: It is my mind now! She gave it to me!

NP: Right! No Martin he wasnít deviating from the rules of Just A Minute, so Graham another point to you, 51 seconds available, a piece of my mind starting now.

GN: I think the people who say things like "Iím going to present you with a piece of my mind" are usually being very generous indeed. Because they normally donít...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah hesitation, be-a-cause.

NP: I donít think he quite hesitated.

GN: Itís my accent!

NP: I think he was teetering on the point of hesitation, but didnít quite achieve it. So another point to you Graham, and 38 seconds, a piece of my mind starting now.

GN: Thanks to the wonders of the mobile phone, a piece of my mind now looks like a bit of sautťed chicken! I imagine I could just peel back my ear and slice it off and eat it. And it probably would taste like that beast I mentioned before, the one with the wings, and the beady eyes and looks too stupid to feel sorry for in a battery type operation! Oh how I love being here in Chester! My mind is in pieces, Iím so happy! I wonder if any of the cast of Hollyoaks are in tonight. I dream of them, my mind is full of them...

WHISTLE

NP: So Graham Norton again kept going till the whistle went, gained that extra point and has increased his lead. And Iím surprised they didnít challenge you for deviation, bringing in Chester. Mind you, you canít mention Chester too often, can you? Ah Clement Freud would you take the next round, the subject is has-beens, 60 seconds as usual and you start now.

CF: Has-beens is an extraordinary subject to give to a programme in which the average age of the contestants is deceased. I believe I would like to give them a piece of my mind but I missed the last round. So let me talk about has-beens as presumably it was meant to be spoken of. They are climbing leguminous plants which have beans which are known as broad, fresh, mungo, erico, flat, runner. And sometimes instead of people sitting on a pavement selling you the big issue, they say has-beens, will travel. Those people, I think are referred to...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

SF: Repetition of people there. People selling you the issue and...

NP: Thatís right, and people on the street, well done, well listened. And youíve got in with nine seconds to go, the subjectís has-beens starting now.

SF: I was walking along the street and somebody said to me "youíre Stephen Frost, who did you use to be?" And this happens quite a lot, not only to myself but to fellow performers in...

WHISTLE

NP: So Stephen Frost speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point. heís moved forward, heís now in second place behind Graham Norton whoís in the lead and then Martin Jarvis and Clement Freud. And Martin, your turn to begin, the subject, aphrodisiac. Talk on the subject of aphrodisiac starting now.

MJ: Iíd like to give you a recipe for an aphrodisiac which, of course, is a love potion. First you take some pink champagne, you pour into it quantro, apricot brandy, some BBC water and a strawberry. You mix it all up and you toss it off...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Itís disgusting!

NP: I know it is but er thatís not one of the rules of Just A Minute. You can...

CF: I was saving him from himself and his audience!

NP: You have...

CF: And his sons who might have been listening!

NP: You have no other challenge except disgust? So in that case martin itís an incorrect challenge, you get another point and you keep the subject, you have 40 seconds on aphrodisiac starting now.

MJ: People who have extraordinary minds do not understand what an aphrodisiac is. Surely the thing is you have the pour the kind of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Pour, he has already poured.

NP: You have already poured.

MJ: I have already poured. Oh!

NP: You like his aphrodisiac do you? Maybe itís the way he does it. Thirty-two seconds available, aphrodisiac with you Clement starting now.

CF: In Brittany I was once sold an oyster, which is reputed to have such powers that if you didn't eat it quickly, you got a stiff neck! There is an advantage! What an example of an aphrodisiac! I donít myself believe in the aphrodisiac qualities of food, because to me it is much more important to eat semolina pudding with someone who turns me on than to wallow...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud got the point for speaking as the whistle went and now he and Martin Jarvis and Stephen Frost are all equal in second place behind Graham Norton. And Stephen your turn to begin, the subject, a mixed bag. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

SF: When I look out into the audience and see the faces of the people here Iíd say we have a mixed bag. Tall people, short women, older type... humanoids, and of course a few children. Definitely a mixed bag, but that makes for a good show, a great atmosphere and of course a marvelous...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Iím afraid weíve had an of course before.

NP: Weíve had great and of course, 39 seconds for you Clement, a mixed bag starting now.

CF: If you were to go out shooting and you came back with a pheasant, a partridge, a woodcock and a swallow, that is roughly what is known as a mixed bag. It is a variety of things that you have shot with your gun and put into a container known as a bag. Although when in a basket or a black plastic bucket it would also be known as a bag, because thatís the way things are! Mixed bags is an expression which is also used in respect of audiences, crowds at football matches, people who go to...

WHISTLE

NP: With great discipline in mind and ingenuity Clement Freud struggled on to the whistle, gained that extra point and heís moved forward into second place ahead of Martin Jarvis and Stephen Frost but still trailing Graham Norton. And Clement itís your turn to begin, the subject, the city walls.

GN: They are proud of them!

NP: So the people of Chester are letting us know they have some of the most famous Roman city walls in the whole of the country. Clement that is the subject, talk on it, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: The city walls were built many many years ago in order to stop people getting out of Chester. It was simply a case that they were racing away to Manchester, Liverpool, Nuneaton, Tamworth, you name it...

BUZZ

NP: Graham?

GN: No! You wouldnít go to Nuneaton! This is better than Nuneaton! Even now!

NP: Graham we give you the subject, 41 seconds available, the city walls starting now.

GN: I did admire the city walls of Chester today. But the question struck me, where were the cityís skirting boards. Where were the city cornisses, donít you watch Changing Rooms? Canít you buy stencils in this fine town, which is in fact a city, we all know, ha donít go on! I said to myself surely in a city where itís easier to buy a crystal and a packet of potpourri than a pint of milk, you could find a stencil. Iíve said stencil again, Iíll say it again, because theyíre supposed to be repeated, thatís how you create a pattern!

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged you just before the end.

CF: He repeated stencil.

GN: Oh did I! Oh yeah!

NP: Clement a correct challenge, one second on the city walls starting now.

CF: Time the whistle blew!

WHISTLE

NP: Did I say one minute instead of one second? Because it was the longest second Iíve ever heard! It was...

GN: Fine round that was!

NP: But Janet Staplehurst, I completely confused her. She sits beside me, listeners, and I looked at her and she took the whistle out of her mouth which is...

GN: Dear Diary!

NP: Letís carry on with Just A Minute. Stephen Frost, itís your turn to begin. The subject, oh what a lovely one, the kiss of life. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

SF: Make sure the body is in the correct position, flat on the floor with the head held back, no tongue blocking the throat, pinch the top of the nose with your forefinger and thumb and blow gently. This way the air will flow into the lungs of the person to who you are giving the kiss of life. And hopefully they will come back to life, unless of course you donít want them to, then suck! Make sure that your hands are kept in the correct position, maintaining the textbook er...

BUZZ

NP: Martin Jarvis you challenged.

MJ: I really hesitate myself to challenge such a brilliant example of how we should all behave in times of emergency. Um...

NP: What, sucking?

MJ: No it was a brilliant display of exactly what we should all be doing...

NP: Yes...

MJ: Nevertheless there was some hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation. So Martin you have a correct challenge, you have another point of course and 26 seconds on the kiss of life starting now.

MJ: I endorse what Stephen Frost was just saying. I have been given...

BUZZ

NP: Mar... Graham Norton challenged.

GN: That has to be repetition.

NP: What? No, it is words that matter in Just A Minute, not the thoughts. So he was endorsing it, he said he endorsed it, but he didnít repeat any words.

MJ: No!

GN: Yes!

NP: Oh keen! Right Martin another point to you for an incorrect challenge, the kiss of life is still with you.

MJ: That well known actor, Roy Marsden, gave this thing to me in a film. And unfortunately he had to put his mouth over mine about seven times because it took that long to get the shot. It was great in one sense but embarrassing next to him at lunch because I felt I knew him better than I knew him before...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two knews.

NP: I knew him, yes and I knew him before. So Clement a correct challenge, you have six seconds, you tell us something about the kiss of life starting now.

CF: Ideally the person to who you give the kiss of life should be fairly close to death.

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and he has moved forward. Martin Jarvis your turn to begin, the subject, oh what a nice one, non-stick pans. Tell us something about non-stick pans in this game starting now.

MJ: Well non-stick pans are much more efficient than pans made of sticks that you can only get in Nuneaton for instance, sell those sorts of pots and theyíre really no good at all. They donít get burnt, the soup doesnít fall through the gap. Non-stick pans are the things you should use to make eggs over easy which I particularly enjoy. Because you do need to have just a slithery way of making these wonderful pieces of da-da-diiiii...

BUZZ

NP: You burst into song!

MJ: Thatís how I feel about eggs over easy!

NP: Yeah, 33 seconds Stephen for you to tell us something about non-stick pans starting now.

SF: They stick that non-stick pans came about from the great space race, from America, which I find is a bit pointless because you donít need the eats to stick to the pan when youíre in space because of gravity, theyíre not going to in the first place. So I think thatís a bit of a lie put out by NASA which as we all know stands for National Aeronautic Space... Association. Maybe. But of course... Iíve said that again...

BUZZ

NP: Graham you challenged.

GN: Did I?


NP: Yes.

GN: Oh I did. Lots of of courses.

NP: Of courses, yes. Right, and on this occasion you have 10 seconds, you have non-stick pans, starting now.

GN: Non-stick pans are covered in something called teflon. Bill Clinton is often referred to as the Teflon President because nothing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of teflon.

NP: Teflon.

CF: Yes.

NP: You have teflon. Clement another point to you and another, once again youíve got in with three seconds to go, non-stick pans, starting now.

CF: Peter Panís uncle was called Non...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and with the other points he gained in the round heís moved forward, heís now one ahead of Graham Norton in the lead followed by Stephen Frost and Martin Jarvis in that order. And Stephen Frost your turn to begin, the subject, passing the buck. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

SF: Wasnít me!

BUZZ

SF: I sacrificed my point there for humour!

NP: Yeah you just come here to get laughs, you donít bother about whether you win do you?

SF: As soon as I get it, Iím off!

NP: Clement yes hesitation, so you have 56 seconds on passing the buck starting now.

CF: Passing the buck is a republican phrase for people who do not recognise the authority of Her Majesty the Queen. They walk down the Mall and when they see Buckingham Palace they pass the Buck. To hell with royalty, they say, pass the Buck. And in fact it is making someone else responsible for whatever action or lack thereof they... indulge... in...

BUZZ

NP: Graham Norton challenged.

GN: I was just punctuating it!

NP: I know! Hesitation.

GN: He came to a full-stop, I thought Iíd stick it on the end!

NP: You tell us something about passing the buck Graham with 28 seconds available starting now.


GN: Buck is another word for dollar, which is a way of saving old rubbish 70s group! They werenít so much passed as abandoned! Who knows what happened to them? I canít imagine what theyíre doing right now! Perhaps a little washing up, some light television reading, writing a letter, reading a good book...


BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost has challenged.

SF: Repetition of reading.

NP: Yes there was a bit too much reading there. So Stephen you listened well, youíve got four seconds to tell us a joke or talk on the subject, passing the buck, starting now.

SF: Passing the buck is what femakle rabbits do after they finish mating....

WHISTLE

NP: So Stephen Frost was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And weíre moving into the last round, alas! And the subject is raspberries. But itís a good subject to talk about, isnít it, and talk on. And who begins it? Graham Norton, itís your turn to begin. Tell us something about raspberries, wonder how much they figure in your life, but talk on it, for 60 seconds, now.

GN: While backpacking in India I stumbled upon a guru. He asked me a very solemn question, whatís pink and hairy and goes up and down? The answer of course is a raspberry in a lift! Raspberries are small fruits with quite a lot of hair on them, and thus I feel a strange affinity to them! As a schoolboy we went raspberry picking! Youíre too late to save me now, kind audience! My sister and myself werenít paid very much in those hot fields...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Grammatical.

NP: What?

CF: My sister and I!

GN: No, Iíve always wanted to know that! Iím thrilled!

NP: I think the only fair thing to do is to give Clement Freud a point for the fact that it was a legitimate challenge in the sense that it was accurate. But also itíd be very unfair to take the subject away from Graham...

CF: Yes!

NP: So he gets a point for being interrupted, he keeps the subject, 18 seconds, raspberries...

GN: I think youíll be getting it very soon!

NP: Raspberries starting now.

GN: Raspberries are wonderful fruits and I donít know...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

SF: Repetition of fruit.

NP: You had the fruit before.

GN: Oh yes I did!

NP: Yes! Stephen...

GN: Iíve drifted into a sense memory.

NP: Yes! You have 13 seconds, tell us something about raspberries in this game starting now.

SF: (makes farting noise)

BUZZ

NP: Martin you challenged.

MJ: I donít know howíd you spell that but I think itís a repetition of (farting noise)

NP: Yes! So Martin weíre going to hear from you on raspberries and there are nine seconds available starting now.

MJ: In America a raspberry is known as a Bronx cheer. I donít know why that should be so. But all I can tell you is that itís a wonderful way of...

WHISTLE

NP: So Martin Jarvis speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and in doing so, he has moved forward and heís equal with Stephen Frost in third place. And just out, well not just out, a little way out in front of them were our two leaders. But one point separated them, Graham Norton was one point behind Clement Freud so this week we say Clement Freud, youíre the winner! So it only remains for me to say thank you to our four intrepid and talented players of the game, Graham Norton, Clement Freud, Martin Jarvis and Stephen Frost. Also thank Janet Staplehurst for helping with the score and blowing her whistle. And also we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. We thank our producer Chris Neil for all his contribution to the show. And weíre delighted to thank our audience here in Chester who encouraged us on our way in such a warm and friendly and courteous way. So from the people of Chester, from our panel, from me, Nicholas Parsons, thank you very much for tuning us. Be with us the next time we play Just A Minute. Till then goodbye!

THEME MUSIC